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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex husband and refusal to return DS7 home safely after weekends

34 replies

mammamiamore · 21/02/2018 22:24

I would be very grateful for some advice. I have run out of money to fight him with solicitors and also in court.

What can I do to stop him picking DS7 up from school this Friday?

Massive back history and don't want to list it all and neither to I want to be a drip feeder so I am listing what I think might be relevant:

I have remarried and moved away from ExH
DS has had regular contact every other weekend and tried to split holidays 50:50
He has a documented history of violence (police involvement) against me
I believe DS safe with him apart from priming every weekend
We usually split driving and do 1 journey each way (it is about 1.5 hours' drive)
There is no court order in place. DS lives with me

He refused after last contact in half term to return DS home, despite me saying I cannot drive to collect (legit and told him reasons - cannot say as too identifying)
He is now saying that he will not return him on Sunday evening and that I have to collect him to bring him home. He has a meeting nearby and is passing so says he will pick up but I have to drop home. I am dubious about any drop off as he is v rarely where he says he is going to be to drop DS off and his refusal to drop DS home last time is not the first.

I have refused to let him pick him up from school on Friday but he says he will speak to the police and make sure this happens.

How do I stop him taking him from school (yr 3) as there is no court order and how would you feel if to ensure you child was returned home, you would have to drive to collect them knowing full well that they would not be in the location expected and you would either have to wait or drive around until you found them (this has happened several times and has taken around 3 hours - sometimes even with DS in car to drop off with his father.)

Actually any thoughts would be appreciated. I do not want to limit contact but to enable this, is it reasonable to have to have 7 yr old in car for so long and not knowing when/where etc?

Please help

OP posts:
Gide · 21/02/2018 22:32

So do doesn’t go to school on Friday, easy quick fix. Long term, I fear you’ll have to go back to court to resolve your ex’s stupidity or insist on a contact centre only due to his violence.

cestlavielife · 21/02/2018 22:34

Ask him to drop ds at school on monday morning ?

LittleOwl153 · 21/02/2018 22:36

The only way you can stop him from picking up from school is to not send him to school. School imI believe have to release to either parent (so long as they have parental respinsibility) unless a court order says otherwise.
Without understanding why you can't collect him it is difficult to say more. If there is DV involved can you get legal aid for court procedures?

hopefor · 21/02/2018 22:38

Get a Court order. No one will help you (police etc) without it.

And yes, if you have immediate concerns, stop contact and don't take him to school on Friday.

ExFury · 21/02/2018 22:38

Did you go to court after the last half term?

Is there anything in place that says your DS lives with you? You probably really do need to get back into court and get an order sorted one way of the other.

Without an order you can't stop him collecting your child from school.

LivininaBox · 21/02/2018 22:39

If you moved away then I think a court would expect you to do the driving to arrange contact, so he is kind of doing you a favour if he does half the driving. Sorry.

I don't quite understand the issue about him not being where he says he is. If this happens, can you not just ring him? Or does he not co-operate? If you are dropping off, then why do you drive around trying to find him - just drive home again if he isn't there without explanation.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 21/02/2018 23:02

DS doesn’t go to school and you tell them why. Get a solicitor and get a court order ASAP. Does he know where you live?

caringcarer · 21/02/2018 23:05

This sounds like a nightmare and reminds me of my xh. He used to promise ds he would take him for weekend and then text me at last minute and cancel and I had to deal with crying ds or he would take as arranged and then either not return as agreed or if i was collecting from his out they would not be there at agreed return time. A nightmare. My x even went to court and stopped me taking ds on holiday for two weeks abroad as he lied and convinced judge I would not return with him so I had to cancel our holiday. All you can do is keep ds home on Friday. Be out with ds after school in case he comes to your home and makes a scene. Go back to court to get court order stating his contact with ds must be supervised in contact centre. That is what I had to do and it took me three months as xh did not turn up and told court his mother had heart attack which turned out to be another lie. The second time he did not come to court the judge made judgement in his absence. Grit your teeth and don't let him win. Keep calm and keep safe. If you think he will be violent or threatens you call police and tell you are fearful. Keep any threatening texts he sends you to show court/police.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 21/02/2018 23:06

Or tell them he has a doctors appointment an hour before school ends and pick him up yourself.
He’s not reasonable. You shouldn’t have to put up with that shit. Must be very traumatic for your DS as well.

Original poster
mammamiamore · 21/02/2018 23:08

Many thanks for your responses - he will not commit to driving him home and insists that I do it - we have taken it 50:50

LivininaBox he will not co-operate and changes his mind at the last minute so I have to drive around to find him to drop DS off on a Friday.
He is now changing his mind at the last minute to drop DS off - ie. calls me half way/on arrival at nearby location and says he cannot drive further.

he ignores all communication regarding holiday splits until the last minute then demands 2-3 weeks in a row; despite me letting him know months beforehand that a holiday/time away has been booked and that we need to split the time. last summer he refused to commit to a reutrn date let alone time for DS.

He has dropped him off in the past, 1 hr late at 7 pm without any supper or a drink since a late lunch at 2pm.

There is no way we can afford court

OP posts:
Coolaschmoola · 21/02/2018 23:10

I'm sure you had a recent thread where you refused to say who moved away. The OP of that thread refused to collect her child, despite the ex having collected him, therefore having done his half. Lots of 'If he wants to see him he shpuld pick up and drop off'...

The general consensus on that thread was that YWBU.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/02/2018 23:10

If you moved away then I think a court would expect you to do the driving to arrange contact, so he is kind of doing you a favour if he does half the driving. Sorry

Not always and IME not even most of the time it depends on the reasons for the move and the reasons for being unable to transport. Violence is a pretty good reason to move

yorkshireyummymummy · 21/02/2018 23:10

Sell, beg or borrow the money you need to get a court order to protect your child.
Like Pp have said , keep DS off school on Friday and be away from your home at picking up time. Maybe stay with a friend /family member on Friday night with your boy if that’s an option??
But you ?MUST get into court. Use the legal services of the CAB.

Wdigin2this · 21/02/2018 23:11

You need to get this on a formal setting, and as has been said, keep DC home on Friday. But these things will continue if you don't regulate the situation legally.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 21/02/2018 23:11

It’s disgusting of him it really is. Total an utter power trip.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/02/2018 23:13

If you can’t afford court then you need to accept that this is how it’s goung to be. Personally I would look into representing myself and also keep all texts/emails to show the judge

WitchesHatRim · 21/02/2018 23:13

You have written about this before your name change havent you?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/02/2018 23:13

op

You understand that court fees remission still exists and if the violence was within the last 5 years and you can evidence it you may be able to get legal aid

Amanduh · 21/02/2018 23:14

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable with the 50:50 driving but the rest obviously.
You really need to try and get a court order

Boulshired · 21/02/2018 23:18

But why is the violence only a problem now you do not want to contribute with the driving. You unfortunately do need a court order as even if he doesn’t get him from school he will turn up at your house. Is your plan to stop contact completely as at the moment you cannot stop him once he is with him from taking him to his home.

Greggers2017 · 21/02/2018 23:22

If he picks him up Friday you pick him up Sunday simples. I don't see why you can't?

I live the same distance from my children's dad. Whoever does pick up the other brings them home. But he has them Every weekend.

ExFury · 21/02/2018 23:26

You either need to find the money for court and hope that they accept your reason for changing the status quo regarding sharing the travel, or you need to go back to sharing the travel.

Lucked · 21/02/2018 23:28

I think you have to accept that this is part and parcel of moving away from your dcs father so I also think he is not being unreasonable in his request as he is only asking for 50:50, imagine if he moved away and asked you to do all the driving. I am sure if it was him that had moved you would not offer 50:50.

However not being on time/where he is meant to be is a dick move.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/02/2018 23:30

You need to be very careful about refusing to let your ds have time with his father as the courts will take a dim view of this.

Original poster
mammamiamore · 21/02/2018 23:37

I have not posted about this before so please don't get me muddled with anyone else!
Sadly, there are too many in similar situations.

The violence is ongoing - the police have been helpful and I have a harrassment diary and have advised about safe places for drop offs for DS. They have said there is nothing I can do about the reported violence (on record when we were married) as I was too afraid to press charges a the time and it is too late now.

I am happy to split the driving 50:50 but will not have DS sitting in the car for up to 3 hours driving around trying to find his father/waiting because he is delayed at work on a Friday night. It is not fair on him either to arrive 10 mins from our home here only for his father to park up and say he will not bring him any further - I had legitimate reasons for not being able to nip out and collect him. DS was very upset although I have done my best to shield him from all of this.

Ex has a meeting close to the school and will be driving by anyway on Friday and so it is not difficult to pick DS up - I have college work to do (essays etc) on Sunday and do not see that he should not return him home at a reasonable time for tea and bed.

Yes he knows where we live now and where my family live

OP posts:
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