Ex husband and refusal to return DS7 home safely after weekends

[mammamiamore]

I would be very grateful for some advice. I have run out of money to fight him with solicitors and also in court.

What can I do to stop him picking DS7 up from school this Friday?

Massive back history and don't want to list it all and neither to I want to be a drip feeder so I am listing what I think might be relevant:

I have remarried and moved away from ExH
DS has had regular contact every other weekend and tried to split holidays 50:50
He has a documented history of violence (police involvement) against me
I believe DS safe with him apart from priming every weekend
We usually split driving and do 1 journey each way (it is about 1.5 hours' drive)
There is no court order in place. DS lives with me

He refused after last contact in half term to return DS home, despite me saying I cannot drive to collect (legit and told him reasons - cannot say as too identifying)
He is now saying that he will not return him on Sunday evening and that I have to collect him to bring him home. He has a meeting nearby and is passing so says he will pick up but I have to drop home. I am dubious about any drop off as he is v rarely where he says he is going to be to drop DS off and his refusal to drop DS home last time is not the first.

I have refused to let him pick him up from school on Friday but he says he will speak to the police and make sure this happens.

How do I stop him taking him from school (yr 3) as there is no court order and how would you feel if to ensure you child was returned home, you would have to drive to collect them knowing full well that they would not be in the location expected and you would either have to wait or drive around until you found them (this has happened several times and has taken around 3 hours - sometimes even with DS in car to drop off with his father.)

Actually any thoughts would be appreciated. I do not want to limit contact but to enable this, is it reasonable to have to have 7 yr old in car for so long and not knowing when/where etc?

Please help

There's no court order in place and a history of DV - tell him to go fuck himself. If he makes threats or turns up roaring and stamping his feet, report that to the police. And contact Women's Aid for help and advice on cutting him out of your lives as much as possible.

not refusing time - asking him to stick to a schedule of drop offs on Fridays and Sundays.

Driving split 50;50

I'm not sure I understand the whole problem but hes agreed to pick his son up friday to spend the weekend with him but you are refusing to then pick your son up sunday to have him for the week? If so YABU, why should he have to pick ds up and drop him back to you? Especially as you were the one who moved away 50-50 driving is very fair, if it was the other way round and he had moved away you would have most of mumsnet saying he should do pick up and drop off.
If he wants to see his son then he comes and gets him, if you want to see your son then you go and get him

If you share the drop offs then change it around. He can collect him from you and you’ll pick him up.

If I fed my dc at 2pm I wouldn’t feed them before 7 either. You seem to be picking at things and getting yourself upset for no reason here.

If you don’t fear for their safety then why try for a court order ?

He picks DC up from school on Friday, you collect him on Sunday. Where is the driving around looking for him? Half each seems fair, especially as you moved away.

Read the posts from the OP.

It sounds like the ex is giving the runaround. Just because of control I imagine.

Chopping and changing the rules. His part is to pick child up - but he calls to say he can’t, then the OP drives her DS, to find that the prick isn’t where he said he was, and drives around for 3 hours.

And then agreeing to drop him back, then changing his mind, and asking OP to get him - and she can’t, so he doesn’t drop off.

He sounds like an absolute prick.

It’s not a case of he picks up and OP collects 50:50. He keeps moving the goalposts.

He hasn’t got the right to piss around like this.

I was very lucky, my violent ex gave up after 3 years of let downs/messing around.

Is there anywhere or anyone that will help with fees for court?

Yes gluteustothemaximus, it does sound like that. Which is why letting him pick up from school is such a good idea because Op wont be involved. And when Op goes to collect she doesn't have to drive around for 3 hours, just wait at the pick up point and all the onus is on ex to have DC there. No discussion needed.

Going to court is only £215. You don't need a solicitor. You won't have to attend mediation as previous DV. Then it's set in stone. Every detail. Pick up, drop off, holidays, times, Xmas etc

My dp went through it with his ex gf.. She constantly moved goal posts.. So he did a court order and now there's no messing

Thank you for your responses.

Gluteus has understood very well.

I have asked him to reconsider to agree to be at dropoff and pickup points and if he agrees, I will take DS down and he will bring him back (which he probably won't).

If I turn up to meet him at agreed spot, he will change the location and be late - hence hours previously driving around looking for DS.

Again, it isn't 50:50 that is happening - that is what I want and am more than prepared to do it. What I will not accept is further messing around - this has been going on every other weekend and every single holiday for the last 3 years.

I would never let DS go without water and food for 5 hours, 3 of it spent in a car.

Thank you to all of you for your views.

I think I will have to go down the court route and represent myself - only way to try to get him to adhere to a plan and if he doesn't then at least I can take it further if he continues to break it.