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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike her and not know how to reply?

51 replies

Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 09:53

One of my closest university friends basically ghosted me around 18 months ago. I am of the school of thought where the more the merrier and believe in sharing friends and that you can never have too many, she quite clearly isn’t.

My plan was to move in with her when I moved back to our uni city but she wasn’t able to do this. Instead I moved in with some mutual friends (two of whom were her friends) who asked me to move in with them. Ever since then, she became progressively colder with me - every few months she would explode and accuse me of being a terrible friend etc etc, eg when I went to visit friends who lived on opposite ends of the country (she expected to be included in every single social event; I normally would have done this but didn’t bother her as she was not talking to me at the time!). Every single time she went crazy at me, I would apologise and try to see her side/ask to make amends (even though I felt I wasn’t in the wrong), be empathetic. I really felt for her and wanted to know what I had done wrong. She threw multiple attempts for the two of us to get together back in my face, made excuses yet continued to invite me to group events. She would be nice to me there then grow cold after. It became clear she had a big problem with me. (I know for a fact she doesn’t treat our other friends like this!)

As we have mutual friends, I was very hurt by her behaviour yet felt unable to cut her out. I felt her treatment of me was unnecessarily cruel though. She would blow hot and cold and I never knew where I stood, much less what I had supposedly done wrong.

Things hit an impasse when she didn’t come to my birthday. I had invited her as an olive branch and at this point we were speaking. It was a casual pub thing with mutual friends and she had been texting our mutual friend all day implying she was coming. She said nothing to me and while I didn’t care, I was hurt by her casual behaviour and lack of thought - I had made a big effort to come to her bday a few months before.

I messaged her angrily (which I never do) saying that it was unfair of her not to have at least told me whether or not she could come, and that I was hurt. Since then, our mutual friend has become aware of the situation and is aware of my side, and j of it’s shocked by it all. Promoted by her I assume, I received this message yesterday, six weeks after I sent the Original text...

“HI how are you? Sorry I didn't reply to this at the time - the truth was I felt like it would've been awkward if I'd come so I decided not to, but I understand it was your birthday and it was rude of me not to let you know, and I'm sorry about that.
I know we've drifted apart and I want you to know I am sad about it, and that I take responsibility for letting my life stresses get in the way of sorting things out with you, and again I'm sorry about that. Hopefully in the future, I know we won't just snap back to how it was, but maybe we will drift a bit back X”

Do I reply? What do I say? I’m so so hurt, this has honestly been worse than a break up. I don’t miss her friendship at this point, but I wish she was able to treat me with resoect and not like a piece of shit on her shoe. She seems to want to hurt me and has no regard for my feelings when I have really tried to be empathetic towards her and understand her motivations/behaviour/feelings.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 21/02/2018 10:18

I would have said the text came across as honest enough to offer one last chance IF you were bothered but as you said you’re not bothered by the friendship at this point, just leave it and don’t respond.

wysteriafloribunba · 21/02/2018 10:25

Well there are two sides to every story so I am sure she sees the situation differently, but that was a nice apologetic text, so either let go of everything and be friendly, or ignore and move your separate ways.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 21/02/2018 10:28

She's manipulating you. All this blowing hot and cold. Keeping you just sweet enough to keep taking her shit. This is just a continuation. Ignore it. If you see her then take the high road and be civil. But other than not she has shown herself not to be a friend so doesn't need your time of day.

beluga425 · 21/02/2018 10:30

Do you want her in your life?

Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:31

I want the old her in my life. Not the new her who treats me like shit and has no regard for my feelings

OP posts:
Gide · 21/02/2018 10:32

Honestly, I’d totally ignore her. She’s a pain in the arse with her on/off bollocks. If you no longer want her as a friend and the hurt is over, drop it properly and when out with mutual friends, be polite but distant. She sounds emotionally needy and obviously thought you should dance to her tune. Rise above, OP, you’re allowed more than one friend!

Jammycustard · 21/02/2018 10:32

I think I’d leave her to it. She sounds tiring.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/02/2018 10:35

Sometimes the best response is to not respond at all. Judge her by her future behaviour, but I'd be wary.

TalkinBoutWhat · 21/02/2018 10:36

You have mutual friends, and if you want to keep the mutual friends you need to leave some wiggle room.

So don't text back angrily, but don't gush or fawn. Play it low key, and relegate her to friendly acquaintance - someone to say hello to in group settings, but not someone you make any type of effort for.

So respond with something like -

"Yes you're right, we have drifted apart. I guess life is like that. Will I see you at X? (whatever the next group event is)".

And then leave it there. TBH it doesn't sound as though it was ever a healthy friendship anyway, so be grateful that you didn't move in with her.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 21/02/2018 10:36

This happened to me except it was her no show at my wedding that was the final nail in the coffin. A few months later she tried to get in touch but I ignored her. I’m much happier for it. Don’t allow anyone in your life where you don’t feel good about yourself after spending time in their company.

Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:40

Thanks - I said this:

Hi, thanks for the message - I assumed that may have been the case but I was confused at the time why you couldn’t have just said or made an an excuse. We’ve both had stressful things happen over the past few months, I agree, so not been easy for anyone. I feel like I have done my best for a while now to reach out to you in an effort to keep things civil but got the impression you didn’t want that - if I’m mistaken and you do genuinely want us to be closer then you know where I am and that I’m open to reconciling. Take care

OP posts:
coconutlimesmoosh · 21/02/2018 10:44

so much drama. Do adults really behave like this? You sound as bad as each other.

TalkinBoutWhat · 21/02/2018 10:44

I know you have already sent it, but that's too much. You need to tone it down.

Given the length of time she has been difficult, there really is no way to get back to your old friendship without there being a HUGE amount of time behind you. I think you'd be very foolish to let her get close to you again without some evidence that she's really changed, and that requires TIME.

Ellendegeneres · 21/02/2018 10:45

I wouldn’t have replied. It sounds like an abusive relationship, so I say ltb.
What an absolute drama llama attention seeker. Can’t be arsed with people like that, my time and energy go into people who treat me like they like me not someone like this

Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:45

Really? I sound as bad as her? Why’s that (genuinely?) I am not and have never been one for drama. I have been badly hurt and that is the reason I am asking this. She was formerly a good friend and we had some great experiences together.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 10:47

Why would you be open to reconciling with a woman who behaves like this?

I can understand wanting to keep the peace when you have mutual friends, it’s much more convenient for everyone.

But personally, I have no time for such histrionics. My approach would be behave yourself or bugger off.

Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:47

Yes - I certainly just wouldn’t let her back into my life and funnily enough I’m fairly sure that’s not going to happen. I feel like her message was sent begrudgingly for the sake of mutual friends, and my reply was sent in order keep communication lines open. The ball is in her court but unless something changes majorly the friendship is gone in NH eyes

OP posts:
Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:48

I’m worried about my message now. Was it too nice

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 21/02/2018 10:52

My plan was to move in with her when I moved back to our uni city but she wasn’t able to do this. Instead I moved in with some mutual friends (two of whom were her friends) who asked me to move in with them.

What exactly happened here? Why 'couldn't' she live with you? It's pretty clear that she saw this was the catalyst, so I'm just wondering whether she'd interpret what happened here differently.

Have none of your mutual friends ever commented on this dynamic between the two of you?

Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:53

She had an offer to live somewhere rent free with her boyfriend so did thus.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:53

Did this

OP posts:
Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 10:54

No, none of them have - they said we were like “sisters” but then did begin to notice when neither of us spoke about the other one for months

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 21/02/2018 10:55

Not too nice, but just too much. You want more from her than she is clearly willing to give. If you want to avoid conflict because of mutual friendships, you have to be able to step back and keep her at arms length.

Your concern over a the poster saying you sound as bad as each other makes me think you will over think these things, and will find it hard to brush off her behaviour if you find it hurtful.

Accept the fact that your old friendship is gone and will never come back. But if you are frequently at events together, then you have to find a new level to associate with her. If at some point in the future that develops back into a friendship, then great. But don't expect it, don't look for it, and seriously DON'T encourage it. Because if I were you I wouldn't trust her to have your best interests at heart, and at some point in the future she will hurt you again.

MichaelBendfaster · 21/02/2018 10:56

You're more patient than me, OP. I knew someone like this: she introduced me and DP to several of her friends, who became friends of me and DP. We would contact each other sometimes without including her, as well as socialising a lot in a group with her.

She started being a dick about this –not passing on invites from mutual friends to me and DP, not 'allowing' her friends to agree to meeting me and DP without her permission etc.

We had a couple of goes at sorting it out, but the last one ended with her pointing at me, leaning forward getting in my face and talking aggressively through her teeth.

I didn't bother with her any more after that.

I'd forget her. There are nicer people out there.

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 21/02/2018 10:59

That message seems heartfelt to me but I understand why you are hurt. I would reply saying 'thank you for being honest, I do think we need some distance for a while but hopefully in the future we will be able to move on'

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