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AIBU?

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Original poster

To really dislike her and not know how to reply?

51 replies

Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 09:53

One of my closest university friends basically ghosted me around 18 months ago. I am of the school of thought where the more the merrier and believe in sharing friends and that you can never have too many, she quite clearly isn’t.

My plan was to move in with her when I moved back to our uni city but she wasn’t able to do this. Instead I moved in with some mutual friends (two of whom were her friends) who asked me to move in with them. Ever since then, she became progressively colder with me - every few months she would explode and accuse me of being a terrible friend etc etc, eg when I went to visit friends who lived on opposite ends of the country (she expected to be included in every single social event; I normally would have done this but didn’t bother her as she was not talking to me at the time!). Every single time she went crazy at me, I would apologise and try to see her side/ask to make amends (even though I felt I wasn’t in the wrong), be empathetic. I really felt for her and wanted to know what I had done wrong. She threw multiple attempts for the two of us to get together back in my face, made excuses yet continued to invite me to group events. She would be nice to me there then grow cold after. It became clear she had a big problem with me. (I know for a fact she doesn’t treat our other friends like this!)

As we have mutual friends, I was very hurt by her behaviour yet felt unable to cut her out. I felt her treatment of me was unnecessarily cruel though. She would blow hot and cold and I never knew where I stood, much less what I had supposedly done wrong.

Things hit an impasse when she didn’t come to my birthday. I had invited her as an olive branch and at this point we were speaking. It was a casual pub thing with mutual friends and she had been texting our mutual friend all day implying she was coming. She said nothing to me and while I didn’t care, I was hurt by her casual behaviour and lack of thought - I had made a big effort to come to her bday a few months before.

I messaged her angrily (which I never do) saying that it was unfair of her not to have at least told me whether or not she could come, and that I was hurt. Since then, our mutual friend has become aware of the situation and is aware of my side, and j of it’s shocked by it all. Promoted by her I assume, I received this message yesterday, six weeks after I sent the Original text...

“HI how are you? Sorry I didn't reply to this at the time - the truth was I felt like it would've been awkward if I'd come so I decided not to, but I understand it was your birthday and it was rude of me not to let you know, and I'm sorry about that.
I know we've drifted apart and I want you to know I am sad about it, and that I take responsibility for letting my life stresses get in the way of sorting things out with you, and again I'm sorry about that. Hopefully in the future, I know we won't just snap back to how it was, but maybe we will drift a bit back X”

Do I reply? What do I say? I’m so so hurt, this has honestly been worse than a break up. I don’t miss her friendship at this point, but I wish she was able to treat me with resoect and not like a piece of shit on her shoe. She seems to want to hurt me and has no regard for my feelings when I have really tried to be empathetic towards her and understand her motivations/behaviour/feelings.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 21/02/2018 11:01

I think there's a transition from being at Uni, where you all hang out as a group of friends. You have a number of houses where you all get on, plus a few more, and you can count on these friends to study and socialise with. Then, when you leave Uni, you naturally become less close. You might not all live in the same couple of streets or halls of res, you have a lot less free time, tend to reconnect with old school friends from home ect. You extend your social circle with new work colleagues.

Don't worry about the message, you've been nice. Probably good to keep it civil but now move on from your friendship with her.

If it makes you feel any better, I have realised half the people I was at Uni with were twats. I'm only in touch with a small group these days and two of them aren't people a was really close to whilst at college.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 21/02/2018 11:05

Your message to her sounds like you're very eager to reconcile and I don't think I'd have replied so quickly to a text she took six weeks to send. I hope she doesn't revert back to her previous behaviour but if she does it's a lesson learned.

Original poster
Sashmus123 · 21/02/2018 11:11

You’re right! The sad thing is I’m not eager to reconcile (I have plenty of other nicer friends!) just trying to do the decent thing and not stoop to her level. I so wish I hadn’t sent it now - feel like I’m giving her all the power

OP posts:
ThisYear · 21/02/2018 11:20

I wouldn't worry about your message. You sent it with genuine feelings and you can hold your head high that you are a decent person and past playing games. It's up to her now but she can never blame you for causing a rift in your friendship group.

GU24Mum · 21/02/2018 11:25

I think the message is fine - you haven't been a doormat and haven't been aggressive. You've said that you're open to reconciling and will leave it with her so that sounds fine tbh.

MargaretCavendish · 21/02/2018 11:29

She doesn't seem to have any grounds for annoyance over the living situation at all, then - I did think it would be something a bit more arguable (eg. you needed to live in an area she couldn't afford). I absolutely think you should consider yourself to have kept the moral high ground, and think of your message as you showing yourself to be the bigger person.

My one concern would be that she's said something misleading/implying you've done something wrong to mutual friends, so I would try gently raising it with one of them, not saying anything negative about her but in a 'X seems to be really pissed off with me and I don't know why' way.

Loonoon · 21/02/2018 11:45

Your message was polite and friendly, you've left the ball in her court. Just leave it for now. She's had quite enough of your time and energy. Turn those towards your less moody and demanding friends.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 21/02/2018 12:09

OP, I thought your message was nice and actually quite firm. You pointed out that you had tried to reach out to her and you also left the ball firmly in her court. I really think you handled the situation very well.

You have mutual friends so the last thing you want is for them to feel divided or awkward about inviting you both to social occasions.

This way, if you do both bump into each other you can be polite and have a conversation and not dread seeing her. The friendship probably won't go back to how it was but at least you can communicate if you see her. Don't regret your reply, I think you did the right thing.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 21/02/2018 12:12

I don't read it that you have given her all the power. You have just been a decent, civilised human being. I would have done the same in your situation.

CherryMaDeary · 21/02/2018 12:18

I think your message was fine. You didn't ask to meet up, you just left it open to her.

Now just don't contact her again and if she contacts you, take longer and longer to reply to each message and then just stop replying.

You have the moral high ground here, so no one will think badly of you.

KC225 · 21/02/2018 12:22

I think your nesaage was a little 'needy'. I was on your side until I read your response. You could have just text good to hear from you - if you wanted the friendship back or you could have ignored the message if you wanted to end it. You raking over old coals is not going to push this forward.

I agree with the poster who said with mutual friends you need wiggle room but all this drama and clearly some of this is coming from you ........ Come on, does it really need to be like this?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2018 12:22

Considering how she treated you, you’ve been very nice. Your update was astounding. She decided to live with her boyfriend and begrudged you moving in with other friends. How crazy and paranoid is that?!

You seem to think she sent the text begrudgingly or as proof to your wider circle that she’s trying to make amends. So the tone was probably just right to shut her down. A rebuttal would not have been the right thing. If she genuinely does see what a cow she’s been, she needs to work and work hard.

Whatever happens from now on, keep her on the periphery. You are very wary of the message right now, which you should be.

Shockers · 21/02/2018 12:23

Thank you for your message; it meant a lot. xx

Then leave it and see.

Gemini69 · 21/02/2018 12:24

Your message to her sounds like you're very eager to reconcile and I don't think I'd have replied so quickly to a text she took six weeks to send

this.. and a simple PISS OFF would have been suffice Flowers

SteamyBeignets · 21/02/2018 12:25

so much drama. Do adults really behave like this? You sound as bad as each other.

Absolutely this. Let me tell you this, two drama queens won't make up for long anyway so dont bother.

Quaza · 21/02/2018 12:28

I think your message was really good. I think her message was good too.

I would just leave it now. At least you aren’t on bad terms now. I’d be polite if you meet up with her but wouldn’t be trying to rekindle any great friendship.

FleurDeLizzie · 21/02/2018 12:30

Your message is fine. Don't give it any more thought.
There are bound to be extremes of opinion when you consult several people. In six months time you won't even remember what you wrote.

Nobody died.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 21/02/2018 12:30

If she messages back, just say, let's just start by being polite to each other, let the past be the past and see how it goes.

Winteriscoming18 · 21/02/2018 12:31

MichaelBendfasterSo basically you and your dh wendied your friend no wonder she wasn’t happy she was being excluded from her social group by yourselves.

Op sounds like you’ve grown apart. I would keep it civil

BerkInBag · 21/02/2018 12:45

I read your post through the filter of a similar experience I have been having lately although with a woman I have only known for 4 years and who is an absolute head worker (and we are in our 40's!)

I think the messages you sent were honest and un-dramatic. You've left things on good terms. My view, and it might be slightly coloured by my own experience, is that you now quietly withdraw from her over a period of time. If interaction with an individual leaves you confused or feeling like you've been played or pulled into highly emotional or dramatic situations then that individual is best avoided.

MichaelBendfaster · 21/02/2018 12:45

Winter, thank you for the snark but no. I made this friend and we started hanging out. She would often ask if she could bring someone else to dinner/brunch/etc at ours and over some time of this DP and I met and got to know a few of her friends.

They started inviting us to things (note it was almost always this way round, not us inviting them, because we were aware that they started as her friends), some involving her but some not (more involving her than not).

She had, unknown to me at the time, previously fallen out with a long-term friend over very similar behaviour –possessiveness, demanding to know where her friend was all the time, not wanting to 'share' friends and social outings etc. She went on to fall out with another long-term friend, again over the same issue (NB this was not someone DP and I knew except as a casual acquaintance, so if you're dying to tell me we 'wendied' that one then you're off base).

Over several years she fell out with all but one of the original group. She has fairly recently been back in touch with one person to apologise for her behaviour over the years.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2018 12:50

Just reply thank you for your honesty, see you round sometime, take care Sashmus.

Cathena · 21/02/2018 13:12

You’ve defo done the right thing, and the message was perfect. I was best friends with a girl I met in nursery for 20+ years, and for no reason she turned on me around 5 years ago and started being awful to me for like reason. I snapped one day and we didn’t speak for a year, until she came back and apologised and said it was her fault. Her reasoning was ‘everything comes so easy for you and it frustrated me’ which first of all is not true (broken home, abusive father, binge eating problems etc) and second of all seems like a very petty reason to turn on someone who treated you like a sister.

We reconciled but she couldn’t quite drop her old resentments- getting nasty when I got engaged, promoted etc- and so I now just keep her at a distance. I had the same problem as you in that she changed so much and I so wanted the old person back. You have to concede that she has gone forever. It’s the only thing that will help you move on.

I now consider her a different person from the old friend I had, and it means I have no expectation on her for events such as parties etc (she missed my 30th with no explanation). Splitting her into ‘old friend’ and ‘new friend’ in my head allowed me to let go of who she was and be fine with her randomly getting in contact now and again instead of being part of my life, as that’s what ‘new friend’ does. It honestly made me recover fully and now I have some wonderful new friends who I cherish so much more. It’s painful, akin to a break up, but it must be done. Good luck to you.

milliemolliemou · 21/02/2018 13:23

OP I can't see why you still want to be friends who someone who chose not to live with you - understandably wanting to be with her bf - but then went mad at you every couple of months, played cold - and while you say in your first post she did't do it with other people you then amend this to the fact she's done it with others.

I'd just leave it where it is. She sounds like a bullet you should be dodging and if there's more to it than you've described, it still doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

milliemolliemou · 21/02/2018 13:23

OP I can't see why you still want to be friends who someone who chose not to live with you - understandably wanting to be with her bf - but then went mad at you every couple of months, played cold - and while you say in your first post she did't do it with other people you then amend this to the fact she's done it with others.

I'd just leave it where it is. She sounds like a bullet you should be dodging and if there's more to it than you've described, it still doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.