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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go home because of my son’s behaviour?

55 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/02/2018 19:21

Long story short....

I’m currently away for 5 days in the UK with my two sons, my mother and my sister’s two children.

I have a 6 month old and a 4 year old (he’s 4 in two weeks).

My sister’s children are 8 and 11.

We arrived yesterday and my 4 year old’s behaviour has been appalling. I don’t know what’s got in to him. He’s deliberately being naughty, answering back, refusing to do as he’s told, throwing things around, having a meltdown when he doesn’t get his own way, stomping his feet, shouting, screaming, refusing to eat his meals and lots of other things too and it may sound dramatic but it’s ruining the trip.

All normal sanctions, punishments, discussions etc are having absolutely no effect and I’m totally fed up.

I’m not enjoying myself at all and I feel incredibly guilty towards my sister’s children because between my son’s behaviour and me constantly shouting it is casting a huge shadow over everything.

Due to him being naughty he’s not being allowed to go and enjoy the activities we had planned and instead my mom just takes my sister’s children so as a result I’m bound to the apartment anyway and I’m just generally so miserable and stressed by it all.

All I want to do is go home because I can’t cope with another three days of this. If nothing else it means my mom and my sister’s children can at least enjoy the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to do it because of how badly he’s behaving? I don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Karmin · 20/02/2018 19:24

He is 3, he is super excited! at 3 it is too much of a punishment. 4 mins on the naughty spot, don't react, ask everyone to ignore his behaviour. He is only just out of toddler hood

SenoritaViva · 20/02/2018 19:26

It sounds to me like he's unsettled due to being away. Have you tried to talk to him and find out why he isn't his usual self?

gimmesomeapachepizza · 20/02/2018 19:30

He's not 4. He's three. He's a three year old boy. Give him a break.

GreenTulips · 20/02/2018 19:30

YOu need to spell out what you are doing - first we are having breakfast, then we are going to the park. If you scream and shout you will have to sit with me on a bench.

Then do those things -

Let him know the consequences for each visit you are doing and a reward - if you are good at the park we'll stop for icecream

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/02/2018 19:33

I know he’s super excited but he’s being deliberately naughty.

I’m trying to put the baby to bed and my mom has just had to shout at my 4 year old because he went a and hit my sister’s daughter because she said she didn’t want to play a certain card game with him.

For every misdemeanour he spends 4 minutes in time out but then within 10 minutes he’s just repeating the same behaviour and ends up back in Time Out.

I’m just exhausted by it all.

OP posts:
Fekko · 20/02/2018 19:35

He is probably beside himself with excitement. Try to keep calm (hard I know)!

Can he go off with a grandparent to do some ‘urgent errands’? That might keep him busy and calm him down a bit.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/02/2018 19:35

YOu need to spell out what you are doing - first we are having breakfast, then we are going to the park. If you scream and shout you will have to sit with me on a bench

This is pretty much what I am doing and I’m spending a lot of time sitting on benches.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 20/02/2018 19:36

I don’t think you’d be wrong to go home but I do agree he’s acting up because he’s excited!

Quartz2208 · 20/02/2018 19:37

He is an excited 3 year old who has been housebound all day. let him run off some steam he is on holiday.

Look around I am sure there are lots of over excited children getting a bit over the top and in trouble

The thing is are you in restaurants and given him food outside his norm etc

mumzuki · 20/02/2018 19:38

It sounds like you're having a dreadful time. If you want to go home, go home! Your mum and sister will understand, surely?

minipie · 20/02/2018 19:38

Three possibilities spring to mind.

  1. He's caught a bug. My 5yo is sometimes like this in the first 2 days of a new bug and it was worse when she was younger.

  2. He's super tired. Perhaps not sleeping well in the new location? Time zone change?

  3. You've been spending most of the time catching up with your mum ans sister and not paying him much attention, expecting him to go play with his (much older) cousins.

Any of this a possibility?

Unfortunately holidays at age 3 do tend to be hit or miss. It's normal. Pay him lots of extra attention and see if things improve.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/02/2018 19:38

It's mean to not allow him to go on the activities the others are doing

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/02/2018 19:41

We aren’t in restaurants, we have come self catering.

He hasn’t been housebound apart from the one time he wasn’t allowed to go to the adventure park because of how badly he had behaved on the lead up to it. I had told him that if he didn’t stop doing x, y and z then he wouldn’t be allowed to go but he carried on doing it anyway, so we didn’t go.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/02/2018 19:42

My sister isn’t here, me and my mom have bought her children away with us.

OP posts:
iMatter · 20/02/2018 19:44

Can you say to him that you're "starting over"?

I've done this with mine before when they were younger and I've felt like we were in a really bad spiral of bad behaviour/telling off etc etc.

Maybe tell him tomorrow is going to be a fresh start, new day, lots of lovely behaviour from now on and so on.

I found it helps break the cycle sometimes.

TheHeartOfTeFiti · 20/02/2018 19:45

My daughter does this every year before her birthday it’s like some mad development leap she has the week from hell every April and the learns some new skill and wakes up over night like a new child!!

ShawshanksRedemption · 20/02/2018 19:45

Is he used to having his cousins spend so much time with him? Is he doing things for any kind of attention (even getting told off is attention)?

gamerchick · 20/02/2018 19:46

He’s 3! He doesn’t understand all the shouting at him and certainly won’t understand being taken home. He needs to burn off energy. Why don’t you give your mother the baby and take him out for some alone time and try not to get so angry with him. He’ll feed off that and it won’t make him behave.

WidoWanky · 20/02/2018 19:49

Poor kid. He's got you and your mum shouting at him. He's 3. He's away from home with additional people around him. Give him a break!!. Distract when he is about to play up and praise him for everything you can. Bet you will see a difference in him in a matter of hours.

Also, if you and your mum shout or put him down, the older kids will too. That will just make your 3 year old even more miserable.

Ease up and enjoy yourselves.

Quartz2208 · 20/02/2018 19:51

@TheHeartOfTeFiti yes that reminds me DS was just like this before his 4th birthday (as were some of his friends) as he was going through a developmental leap

CuppaSarah · 20/02/2018 19:58

I agree with offering him a fresh start tomorrow. Tell him you know he's not acting a nicely as he normally does and that you've been more cross than you normally are, which isn't nice for either of you. So all the upset, cheeky and angry is over now, you're not cross anymore and tomorrow you can have lots of nice happy times without being naughty or cross anymore.

This works wonders on dd when she gets into that spiral. For her knowing she's not in trouble and it's not being held over her any longer, is really important. Because why behave when everyone has decided you're being bad. Once he's in bed you need to have an enjoyable evening. Whatever it takes to make yourself relax and smile a bit. Getting you into a good mindset is just as important as ds.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2018 20:02

He’s far too little to be punished by not going to the play park. You’re expecting your child to behave well when he’s super super excited. All he seems to be doing is sitting down. You need to get him out for a run around early in the morning then he will be more cooperative and have settled and be able to wait to go out. He’s at a very different stage in life from your sisters children. Your ds is closer to being a baby and your niece and nephew are closer to being teenagers.

dustarr73 · 20/02/2018 20:04

Is he jealous of the attention the baby is getting.

He's kind of caught in the middle.The cousins are too old and the baby is too young to play with.

Could tour mum mind the baby tomorrow and you and yours on go for some time together

Vulpius · 20/02/2018 20:05

Queen, there is so much good advice on here. I know it feels so hard for you now, but other posters are so sensible, and I really do think it's worth following their advice. I know how you feel (could have written the same, 15 years ago), but they really are right. Flowers

TheVastMajority · 20/02/2018 20:07

Try a therapeutic parenting approach - using time in instead of time out.

WOnder out loud if he is feeling wobbly and cross because cousin doesnt want to play/youve been busy/he misses home.

Empathise, "Its very hard to be away from all your own toys and be on a big adventure. SOmetimes it makes me a bit worried too!"

then say "come sit here with me for a little while. ANd when you feel not so cross, we can go play. "

Let him decide when he is no longer cross. In the meantime, sit him next to you, hold his hand soothingly and try and have a good humoured, playful conversation with him.

There is a therapist, Bryon Post, that says all behaviours stem from 2 emotions - love or fear. Most of the negative behaviours are not the child trying to be naughty, but a child reacting to a situation where he is frightened. He advocates the above approach which is still firm, but doesnt shame the child and doesnt add to their anxiety. I found it very useful for this age group.

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