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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be shocked at what my mum just said (Domestic Abuse related).

71 replies

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:00

I'm being psychologically abused by my DP. He has also hit me a few times, once while pregnant. He is also trying to extract money from me frequently. I have lashed back when provoked, and he reminds me of this frequently.

We have a 6 month old baby together and kids from previous relationships. I'm trying to give enough info without completely outing myself, so sorry if this sounds vague. I am in the middle of a phd. It is an unusual phd in that it requires nights. The uni have very generously given us the use of a flat for free in which DP and baby can stay while I am studying in a nearby lab. This arrangement will enable me to continue to breastfeed. Without this arrangement, I would be away from my baby for at least 48 hours at a time and mentally that would be unbearable for me. I think it would also be unbearable for my baby as we have a string bond - I am his primary carer and do at least 90% of his care.

Whenever I do something which displeases DP, he threatens to withdraw his support of my PhD (support that was agreed upon before our baby was born). A request of his might be to give him £10 for example, at times £100 has been requested. If I refuse he says he will not come to the flat and look after our baby while I do my lab work. This effectively means I would have to give up PhD or hardly see my baby.

My mum is very familiar with my situation. She is literally the only friend I have. She has been aware of all the abuse and has sympathised. Today when I told DP that I couldn't afford to give him any money above what I give him for monthly groceries as I am only part time, he threatened to withdraw phd support. He said we weren't working as a relationship and we need to split up, that he was miserable and fed up of my drama. He does this every now and then to de-stable me. It puts me in a very awkward and stressful situation with my supervisor and the other people relying on me at work.

I phoned my mum in tears today because I was scared of his latest threat. She told me to do whatever it takes to appease him - cook, clean, money, whatever. She said "women clean after all". She is 67 and surely aware of modern times. I said goodbye and hung up before I snapped.

The only person who loves me is telling me to appease him. I will now be 1950s housewife and also empty my bank account for him. I have no choice other than do this or lose my career or lose the bond with my baby.

Keyboard kings and Women's Aid say LTB but they don't understand the multifaceted risks at stake. I am in chains and live in terror every day.

OP posts:

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 20/02/2018 15:53

Lots of good advice on here OP. Please speak to the uni and put a plan in place for leaving this relationship

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:56

how old are your other children?*

6 and 7.

does their father live close to your rental property

15mins drive away.

is the rental property close to your DM

Not really. 45 minutes drive away.

are you on good enough terms with your children's father(s) to help out with their care whilst you and the baby stay at the flat

Yes I think he'd look after other 2 no probs.

OP posts:

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 20/02/2018 15:58

So that's fab peppers - your two other children can be cared for safely when you need.

Please find out about family accommodation on campus though - if you, the baby and the other 2 could live there then it really could work out for you. I do hope so!

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 20/02/2018 15:59

You don't have to answer this but ... it sounds like you are on good terms with your ex. Would he listen or be able to give you any support if you told him the situation?

gimmesomeapachepizza · 20/02/2018 16:01

So you yourself say you have no choice but to go along with him so you can keep up your phd...so why are you so shocked and angry at your mother whose only crime is to repeat everything you are saying to her back to you and supporting you?

You can leave him. But you can't do that and continue your phd in the way you want. It's your choice to make. Please don't attack the person giving you support for the "crime" of being honest with you.

HollyBayTree · 20/02/2018 16:01

are you on good enough terms with your children's father(s) to help out with their care whilst you and the baby stay at the flat

~ Yes I think he'd look after other 2 no probs.

Put it to him that you need his help - you need this PHD to give your mutual children a better quality of life - would he look after the baby too - I know its a massive ask of any one - but if you dont ask, you dont get. He can only say no, in which case you are in the same position as you are now. He might say yes.

MissWilmottsGhost · 20/02/2018 16:03

He changes the goal posts and asks you for money despite earning plenty himself because he is an abusive fucker. He does it because he enjoys making you do stuff. It makes him feel good. He isn't going to stop, he will only get worse.

I am a post doc research scientist and I cant imagine what supervisory team would not be sympathetic to your circumstances. Speak to your director of studies. It may be possible to alter the line of research to reduce or stop the night working. It would not be the first PhD to change direction for unforeseen reasons. If you get really desperate then you can defer or even submit a shorter thesis for an MPhil instead.

You have options. You do not need to stay with this man. Ignore your mother, she talks shit

ItsNachoCheese · 20/02/2018 16:06

Id show your supervisor this thread if your nervous of physically telling her whats happening use what you have written here to do so. I wish you well and i hope you get away from your nasty "d'p soon

CoffeeOrSleep · 20/02/2018 16:08

If your other children's dad (your ex) would look after the baby too while you are on nights at the lab, is it then the only thing keeping you tied to an abusive man the fact you are breastfeeding? Could you pump so you don't have to be physically near your baby while at lab?

Do the labs have to be done overnight, or is it just that works best for you "D"P to have the baby? If you could put the baby on nursery, could you do labs in the daytime?

fluffyrobin · 20/02/2018 16:08

I am sorry you went ahead with a relationship with this man despite being warned by the police about him.

I would go back to them and tell them what has happened to you and they will be in a good position to help as they will know his history.

I hope you have talked to your supervisor too. Lots of people can help you Op so don't keep this dreadful secret to yourself anymore.

Good luck

Aridane · 20/02/2018 16:09

Just to agree with the insights of other posters and wish you strength. Your shock should not be at what DM said (upsetting though that may be), as articulated in your thread heading but at DP's behaviour - that of course is the real issue.

lovelycuppateas · 20/02/2018 16:11

I have experience of PhD supervision. I'd echo what other people have said - ask for support from your PhD supervisor and she will be able to put you in touch with support services at the uni. If it's a big uni there will be well-established services in place (including, most likely, the possibility of financial support). It's also possible to suspend PhDs for a while and restart in good standing once you have sorted this out. I think the situation is less complicated than you think, you just need to make the decision to leave and then go about getting the right help to do it.

WellThisIsShit · 20/02/2018 16:13

I answered the phone in the middle of typing my reply to you OP, hence it being a reply to your first post but it arriving on the third page, sorry!

So... you are starting to realise that you have options, and are not as trapped as that abusive man would have you believe!

Sadly parents can react in very odd ways to their children being in abusive relationships. Maybe your mum feels overwhelmed being your only confidant and doesn’t know what to suggest except minimising it in an attempt to make herself/you feel better as ‘it’s not that bad’. With some older generations there’s still a strong feeling of having to make it work and the ‘shame’ of breaking up. I’m glad that’s going now, as no one can make an abusive relationship work, it just gets worse and worse and worse. Ugh. It’s no way to live.

CoffeeOrSleep · 20/02/2018 16:17

Another thought on your mum, perhaps she's trying to shock you into realising that if you really won't consider leaving him for another year, what that year will have to be like so you can survive it.

If you've told her you have no option but to stay for 12 months, then "do whatever it takes to stop him lashing out and /or ruining your PHD" isn't bad advice.

It's good you are looking at how you can get away, echo others you need to tell your supervisor.

kitkatsky · 20/02/2018 16:20

I’m guessing you’ve name changed Peppers as I can’t message you, but I’d be happy to offer any support/ an ear you need. Please message if I can help. I really have been here

Bekabeech · 20/02/2018 16:36

If you have the flat, I am pretty sure that you could get a student who would be willing to do overnight babysitting for a couple of nights. I've known a lot of students who lived places for reduced rent in exchange for babysitting (I've also known some who worked as part time Nannies through their degree).
Your supervisor may well be able to help - and may even have contacts.

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer · 20/02/2018 16:36

What about an au pair who travels with you to the uni rental while you're there? Could the money you give your partner be used to pay for one instead? I had two au pairs while I was a single parent and working full time (I didn't have much money either). I wouldn't have been able to work if it wasn't for the au pairs.

JaniceBattersby · 20/02/2018 16:44

How old is the baby? Mine have fed lots in the night for the first year but not so much after that. An all-night babysitter could help, I’m sure. Your bond with your child won’t be affected.

Honestly, OP, none of the other stuff matters. What matters is getting yourself and your kids away from this shit of a man.

Newlifeisstarting · 20/02/2018 16:46

Please speak to your supervisor. If you were one of my students I would hope that you’d come and talk to me. We can’t perform miracles but we do have a good idea of available resources or other people who could help, and it will help to talk it through.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 20/02/2018 16:49

I actually did some nannying for someone in a very similar position (only difference was that she was a single mum from conception) a few years back, it took a bit of convincing but the university were happy for me to stay over night at the given accommodation for the 3 nights PW so there are definitely options available

I got there at 5pm and left at 8am and charged £270 for the 3 nights if that’s any help

MrsSkeletor · 20/02/2018 16:54

Suspend. I made a terrible mistake burning up funded postdoctoral time when my personal circumstances made productivity impossible. By the time I was well, the funded time had elapsed making it difficult to continue my research. I have always encouraged my colleagues to suspend their studies/funding when life becomes extreme- you won't be working up to your potential in these circumstances anyway. Basically put the opportunity on the shelf and return to it when your situation is more stable.

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