Entitled daughters

[ciele]

I have always suffered from anxiety, diagnosed GAD and take anti depressants and propanalol to counter pounding heart beat etc.
My husband and mother both add to my stress levels and daughters who are young women (one still at home but working and saving for deposit) still behave like brats at times.
AIBU to just meditate and try to ignore? I feel like setting off a rape alarm to set their nerves jangling!

Phosphorus,are you a member of OP family or in a similar situation?

From the examples you've posted, I think a PP was right. You'd benefit from looking into transactional analysis. It sounds as though you're still treating them as children and they're reverting to acting like children. You need to re-calibrate your relationships.

If they have lived with your anxiety for years, they probably find it very draining.

It is telling that you consider all of your family to be causing you stress.

Perhaps they are exasperated.

Yep. Because when One member if the family is ill (whether it’s chronic illness, MH or any other), it’s impossible for the other members of the family to be twats.
Nope their behaviour has to be because of the person who is ill (and can’t do more than they already do for be well)

Just been looking at TA. I have been thinking about therapy for anxiety but tbh my DC are only a small part of the problem.
I had an awful childhood, difficult marriage (still difficult but not as much) and then was severely ill which has left me quite disabled.
I don’t want to go into the disabilty too much because it’s very outing but I have suffered PTSD.
Any ideas on what sort of therapy might help?

Ciele. Your examples of DDS behaviour are examples of the sort of thing I was thinking of when I posted earlier about not letting others people's issues become my responsibility. There was a time when if I said or did something that caused my DC to strop off I would have felt the need to put things right, to go after them and explain myself. Now if they want to strop I let them (assuming of course that having thought things over I an sure I wasn't being unreasonable).

An example is Christmas Eve when adult DD3 came home from work and asked what was for dinner. I had spent all day prepping the next days lunch for 12 so hadn't cooked dinner but listed off about half a dozen things she could prepare for herself (being the time of year it was, there were loads of nice things available). She cried and ranted about how uncaring I was when she had been working hard all day and I was ruining Christmas and stormed off. I don't go after her to explain further or apologise or escalate the row or take her a sandwich as I might have done 2/3 years ago. I carried on with my evening. Half an hour later she came down, prepared her tea (with one of the options that had been totally unacceptable earlier), tidied up after herself and then came to snuggle on the sofa for a very nice evening.

Thanks Loonoon (not sure how to get bold) and that’s just the sort of behaviour I endure.
I would never have dared to behave like that but these days it seems acceptable. It’s good they can express themselves I suppose!
I don’t run after them but I do get overly upset by the attitude. That is my problem and hence why that is what I’ll deal with.
Thank you.

Thanks Loonoon (not sure how to get bold) and that’s just the sort of behaviour I endure.
I would never have dared to behave like that but these days it seems acceptable.

You had an abusive childhood and now present with a clinical level of anxiety. No, you wouldn't have dared to behave like that.

The way you've brought up your daughters is presumably not abusive, so why would they react anything like the way you did?

You can't control other people's emotions just because you can't handle them. People do have emotional outbursts when they are stressed and sometimes these outbursts are unfair and aimed at the nearest person. Stop taking it all personally. You aren't the only one with feelings just because your feelings are presenting so very strongly. Your relatives are allowed to express displeasure, anger, frustration, and entitlement. You are allowed to ignore it - but you can't stop it.

Maybe cognitive analytical therapy although you would struggle to access this on the nhs

With your background, you could try relationship counselling with Relate. You can even access it online if that would be easier for you. Then you can start to unpick the issues from your childhood, your relationship with your DP and your DCs. imo you need to work on your boundaries.

CBT would address the types of thought processes you're describing. With your background and what you've said it sound as though it may be successful for you. You need to do homework and be able to understand your background and your thoughts and feelings (guided by the therapist). Some therapists may also have training in transactional analysis too, which would address how to bring your communication style back to adult instead of parent style.