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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want constantly reminding how 'lucky' I am to have DH? I know, thanks.

46 replies

entropynow · 20/02/2018 00:05

Friend with difficult relationships history (more than one serious LTR gone west) keeps banging on about what a brilliant man DH is, how lucky I am to have him, I don't appreciate him enough and taking me to task/tutting at me whenever I say anything the least bit critical even in jest (married many years, we have a joke together now and again about numbering our arguments or each others' annoying habits). Her view is he must be downtrodden, henpecked and unappreciated and he definitely is not - just a genuinely helpful, willing but undemonstrative person and certainly not with "the patience of a saint" to quote her - he is quite capable of verbally letting fly when stressed or cross, just doesn't do it in her vicinity.
He's just DH and I do love and appreciate him (and say so) but never enough apparently. AIBU just to wish she would MHOB?
She definitely doesn't fancy him nor he her, just so we are clear.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2018 00:08

Just start countering it with "as he is me"

CanIBuffalo · 20/02/2018 00:08

Tell her luck has nothing to do with it - you are good at choosing partners.

Butterymuffin · 20/02/2018 00:09

I'd do two things. One, I'd stop saying anything at all to her about your DH, to save yourself the hassle. Two, if she did still make any comment about him, I would tell her that you find this really patronising, that you are the one married to him and you know his character best.

Somerville · 20/02/2018 00:12

I'd just ignore it, TBH, if the friendship is otherwise worthwhile. She's probably saying it out of insecurity, so correcting her wouldn't help.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/02/2018 00:12

Sounds like she is jealous

Shimshiminysheroo · 20/02/2018 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
entropynow · 20/02/2018 00:16

"insufferablely smug"

Saywhatnow? I said I know I'm lucky and DH is nice. HTH is that smug?

OP posts:
TriHard27 · 20/02/2018 00:18

I had a "friend" like this years ago. She turned out not to be much of a friend to my marriage and I put some distance between us when she started fishing for problems in our relationship and being very critical of me in DH's company even to the point of making "jokes" about him marrying her instead. Fairly awkward. Confused

Original poster
entropynow · 20/02/2018 00:19

There is a lot about the rest of my life that is hard, jsyk. Should I pretend it all is, for some reason to keep her and you happy?

OP posts:
Original poster
entropynow · 20/02/2018 00:21

Tryhard, oh dear that is awkward. Come to think, she has done that once or twice too - nothing major.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 20/02/2018 00:23

I get you Op because quite a few of my friends think my DH has 'the patience of a saint' etc I do come across as the more direct and assertive one but that is not actually the whole picture at all. The amount of times people have implied my husband is hen pecked when in fact he does the things I ask him to do because he has a similar outlook to me and so the same types of things are important to him and enjoyable to him. He would never in a million years be pushed into doing something he didnt really want to do. He is just quite a quiet person and that gets misread by people as passivity.

Id just ignore her to be honest. The grass always seems greener and it just sounds like she lacks a bit of emotional insight. No mater how perfect or not a relationship looks from the outside you never know whats going on behind closed doors or the true nature or extent of peoples relationship to one another. I think people with a bit more sense would get that and not comment (unless there was an extreme incident they felt it was best to try and intervene with such as any type of seeming abuse etc) It just sounds like she is not very emotionally intelligent which might account for her bad experience of relationships. Some people focus on all these external signs without taking into account the bigger picture. Sounds like she may set men on a bit of a pedestal as heros or write them off as villains dependant on the context, due to her experiences.

Hazandduck · 20/02/2018 00:27

I get comments like this a lot, it makes me feel like people think I am not worthy of my “amazing” husband and he deserves someone better. He is absolutely wonderful and I love him to bits, but many people make comments that he is so good with our DD and so kind and laid back, but they don’t live with him, they don’t know he can have a temper with me at times, is maddeningly messy, can act without thinking of others, and very rarely will help me round the house. I don’t feel he deserves a medal for looking after our daughter - he wanted her as much as me, but my family in particular always comment how grateful I should be that he ‘helps out’ with her. They even say if we ever divorced they would keep him and boot me out :( They joke but still..!

You have my sympathies OP. She is implying you aren’t good enough for him, which is really weird behaviour for a supposed friend.

Original poster
entropynow · 20/02/2018 00:27
  • He would never in a million years be pushed into doing something he didnt really want to do. He is just quite a quiet person and that gets misread by people as passivity. "

So very much this. If he doesn't want to do something, it won't get done unless I do it. Fortunately he doesn't usually mind me doing it instead. So long as I use the right tools and put them back in the place he saw them last lol

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 20/02/2018 00:35

It does annoy me very much that men who are just supportive and respectful of their partners in public are somehow seen as not the norm... like if they arent out on the razz, off on a boys sporting weekend or staring at their phone constantly then they must be some sort of hen pecked downtrodden person or a saint!! I dont get called a saint for backing my husband up or paying attention to him!

Original poster
entropynow · 20/02/2018 00:37

Quite, windchimesabotage!

hides my windchimes of which I'm a bit fond, soz

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 20/02/2018 00:41

lol dont worry I love my windchimes too... they were sabotaged by an angry neighbour.... or so I suspect!! (couldve been the storm but its more amusing to think it was the neighbour)

teaandtoast · 20/02/2018 00:45

I think she does fancy him, or at least 'her version' of him. Otherwise, why go on about him so much? A passing comment, perhaps, but constantly going on? I think she thinks you don't deserve him.

I would just avoid talking about dh in her presence. It would be interesting to see if she started talking about him.

PollyCotton · 20/02/2018 00:55

I know someone who often tells me how "lucky" I am to have DH. I have to bite my tongue to avoid pointing out that I was incredibly selective about who I chose to be with & didn't choose to sleep with dealers or addicts like some people do. She'd never look twice at someone like DH because he's not a 6'4 body builder with a pretty face. He's a good person who respects me & I respect myself enough to make sensible decisions about my future. Luck has nothing to do with it.

StarWarsFanatic · 20/02/2018 00:59

I get this from everyone, my family (particularly DM) thinks my DH walks on water. My female friends have complained at me for not inviting him to girls nights out FFS. He is wonderful and I know this but that doesn't mean he can't be a massive PITA.

I have found one person I can complain about him too (a guy from work who also thinks DH is great) as he finds my descriptions of whatever DH has done to annoy me hilarious (my twenty minute rant on his inability to find the loo brush when it is next to the toilet for example). I now just restrict my complaints to that one person because he gets it, and he does the same with his OH. It is the only thing that keeps me sane some days I swear Grin. BTW there is definitely not something between colleague and I and DH knows I do this and is completely fine with it because he is so laid back and so damn wonderful

Luxanna · 20/02/2018 01:03

I had this but it was a relative not a friend. Turns out she did fancy him and tried to act on it. It's the same appeal factor as with mistresses I think, as in they only see the good/kind/fun bits of the man's life. They don't see the grumpy, annoying, argumentative bits and icky habits.

It may be that she does not fancy him but I think she fancies the idea of him with her in your place.

Be vigilant, that's all I'm saying.

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2018 05:54

People comment like this about my partner; he's much tidier than me and he does more round the house so people say I've got him well-trained! Nothing to do with me though; he's always been tidy.

Your friend sounds like she has low expectations of men, probably because she's been dating idiots.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/02/2018 06:00

She sounds a bit down tbh, and i do have to agree with pp, be it intentionally or unintentionally. You do seem a bit smug.
Could you be rubbing salt in her wounds.
Not everyone is as lucky as you to meet Prince Charming and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

LanguidLobster · 20/02/2018 06:02

That would be irritating. I'd pull her up on it if she starts banging on again.

It's probably jealousy based if she's had a hard time with previous partners, not malicious though.

TeeBee · 20/02/2018 06:03

Oh, I would pinch her cheek and say 'awww, you're so cute. Are you a bit jealous sweetie?' Every single fucking time.

BlondeB83 · 20/02/2018 06:20

Your friend is envious because she’s not met a decent man yet. Be kind.

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