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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want constantly reminding how 'lucky' I am to have DH? I know, thanks.

46 replies

entropynow · 20/02/2018 00:05

Friend with difficult relationships history (more than one serious LTR gone west) keeps banging on about what a brilliant man DH is, how lucky I am to have him, I don't appreciate him enough and taking me to task/tutting at me whenever I say anything the least bit critical even in jest (married many years, we have a joke together now and again about numbering our arguments or each others' annoying habits). Her view is he must be downtrodden, henpecked and unappreciated and he definitely is not - just a genuinely helpful, willing but undemonstrative person and certainly not with "the patience of a saint" to quote her - he is quite capable of verbally letting fly when stressed or cross, just doesn't do it in her vicinity.
He's just DH and I do love and appreciate him (and say so) but never enough apparently. AIBU just to wish she would MHOB?
She definitely doesn't fancy him nor he her, just so we are clear.

OP posts:

Marriedwithchildren5 · 20/02/2018 06:30

This is probably why her relationships don't work? She's so busy appreciating them she gets walked all over!

I hear all the time how laid back oh is. What a lovely guy he is (This is never said about uptight, crazy, shouty me obviously!) Yes he is most of the time. Now try living with him!!

Trailedanderror · 20/02/2018 06:43

Reply, "I didn't win him in a raffle"
Every. Single. Time.

Oysterbabe · 20/02/2018 06:43

I agree you sound smug.

"My husband is great and my friend keeps telling me he's great, AIBU?"
Yes.

GreenSeededGrape · 20/02/2018 06:51

That's not how the OP went Oyster but you go ahead and re-write it

I'd tell her how lucky your dh is to have you. My dh is fantastic with our dc, pretty laid back but still annoying (as am I!) You can appreciate your partner without having to constantly blow smoke up their arse.

Catinthebath · 20/02/2018 06:54

Your friend is envious because she’s not met a decent man yet. Be kind.

I struggle with this. It’s unfortunate the friend hasn’t met a decent man if that’s what she wants but she’s an adult who should be capable of moderating her own behaviour.

AnachronisticCorpse · 20/02/2018 06:58

I get this a lot too.

DH is an absolute diamond and I am hard work. Well, that’s is true up to a point and I rarely moan about him, but when I do I get swatted down by well meaning friends and family who tell me I have nothing to complain about and should be more grateful. It makes me feel very odd indeed. He’s not perfect, he’s prone to sulking and is very literal and a bit helpless sometimes, so minor niggles but sometimes it’s nice to be able to have a lighthearted whinge without being slapped down for it.

Original poster

entropynow · 20/02/2018 07:07

"Your friend is envious because she’s not met a decent man yet. Be kind."

I'm not unkind to her, I just feel privately peeved occasionally. And her men were decent as far as I could see, the relationships just didn't work out for sundry reasons.
And DH is decent but absolutely NOT perfect, as I said in OP. Probably a better person than I am tho'

OP posts:

Jengnr · 20/02/2018 07:11

Just smile and say ‘I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he knows it’

My husband is a good man and I love him dearly but I also know that the above is true and I’m not aftaid of saying so.

Jengnr · 20/02/2018 07:11

*afraid. FFS

Anniegetyourgun · 20/02/2018 07:24

Accusations of smugness here are quite unfair. The OP's angle is not how wonderful her husband is but the way her friend keeps telling her off for not appreciating quite how wonderful he is. She paints a brief portrait of a normal, reasonably decent man with qualities and faults she personally is happy to live with, but the friend wants to see worship apparently . I can see how it would get very annoying. I'd probably end up saying a little sharply "Change the record. He's human."

Btw there is always an element of luck in choosing a life partner, although of course being discriminating helps to start with. Friend seems to be at least in part covering up for her own inability to pick 'em.

whoareyoukidding · 20/02/2018 07:25

Just to say and I know a few others on this thread have said the same: I had a friend like this too and eventually she and my now Ex ended up having an affair. I think she covets him, whether to get at you or for another reason.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2018 07:25

This is an easy one. Stop talking or moaning or being in any way critical about your DH to her.

These kind of conversations have been used against individuals in your position to cause trouble..leading to much more.

Your own words are used against you.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/02/2018 07:38

Yup, I get this too!

Many see a very sanitised version of DH
.. He is lovely, most of the time... But can be moody, literal, irritating and non communicative, as can I.... .

Most of the women who say this with wonder from the outside have had 'bad luck' with men...

Although being very uncharitable... Some have chosen badly.... And when it was obvious they were bad 'uns, believed the lies they were spun, when most women would have run to the hills!

...... None of these were worth anyone's time..... the ' inadvertent" drug dealer, the man who forged your signature on the top of range car when he was unemployed, the one who you knew always hit on your pals.... Etc etc... All men my pals have loved and lived with...

thecatsthecats · 20/02/2018 07:50

I got from the OP that she had a husband who she loves, but resents being implied she's not good enough for. I feel a bit sorry for anyone who feels that what she described is smug, or worthy of jealousy. It's just a normal loving relationship between two committed people.

OP - unless she does fancy him, it's possible that she sees you as like herself, and on some level she thinks that she should have what you've got. The fact that she hasn't means that YOU must be lucky. It's easier to think that than address anything in her own choices or behaviours that might mean she's been in bad relationships.

AnotherDunroamin · 20/02/2018 07:58

OP I don't think you seem smug at all. There are so many threads on MN of people complaining about their partner's flaws (often justifiably) that I think we forget that a normal healthy relationship is exactly as you describe: he's not perfect but he's a good guy, he treats you well, and you do likewise. That's not smug, it's refreshing on a site like this!

DoJo · 20/02/2018 08:03

I get this, although with my husband it's because he's very talented and people constantly tell me how lucky I am to live with him! What they don't realise is that he isn't 'performing' all the time at home, we don't live in a house powered by his talents and that I do a lot of 'filling in the gaps' childcare and housework-wise to allow him to have the freedom to pursue his dream career. Apparently though, the fact that they get to see him perform (while I'm at home, wrestling kids into bed) means I should be eternally grateful to him!

Piewraith · 20/02/2018 08:03

YANBU OP. I hate it when people act like you should fall on your knees with gratitude daily over a partner that doesn't abuse you and treats you normally. Those should be the minimum standards for a relationship, not the maximum!

Beetlejizz · 20/02/2018 08:32

Are you certain she's not interested in him?

Original poster

entropynow · 20/02/2018 08:39

Beetlejizz - yeah. And he doesn't like her much I think thecatsthecats has it:
"it's possible that she sees you as like herself, and on some level she thinks that she should have what you've got"

OP posts:

Original poster

entropynow · 20/02/2018 08:40

much.

/typo missed full stop

OP posts:

HazelBite · 20/02/2018 09:43

When I get this sort of thing said to me, I always reply "oh but you haven't heard him snore!"
If Dh hears anyone saying to me how lucky I am he pipes up with "Well I think I got the better deal"

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