Not to go and see her?

[Rosiie]

MIL is having surgery soon and I just don’t have a good relationship with the woman. She’s put me through hell over the years I’ve been with her son. She’s very jealous and has lied about me to DH
Here’s a some examples

⁃	We lived with her for a year before getting our own place, I would be in the kitchen ( it’s next to the bathroom) and one time he was on the phone in the bathroom, she told him I was listening to his conversation 
⁃	When I first met her very early days we had what I felt like a really good conversation, she went to DH and told him I was playing mind games ( the fuck?)
⁃	Had a go at me because I would iron the clothes DH was going to wear for the day and not his whole wardrobe. 
⁃	Has told DH he deserves someone better than me because my kitchen was a bit messy and there was piles of clothes that needed washing( this was a time when I just had my third DS and no help from DH or anyone,  being up all night because of a baby that wouldn’t sleep and up all day because of other DC that needed to be taken care of, no mention of how useless her son is, just how messy the house is because of me) 
⁃	Has given my DC coffee when they were toddlers even after I told her not to
⁃	Ignores when she comes to my house sometimes and gives me the silent treatment 
⁃	Never invites us to her house but comes to ours 2-3 a week and sometimes unannounced 
⁃	Tries to set DH up with other women when they’re out on their own
⁃	Slags me off to her family, last thing I heard was at Christmas when she made some comments about my weight 

There’s so much more, but over the years I’ve learned I can’t have relationship with this women and I should just keep my distance.
So ladies, AIBU not to see her after the surgery?
Am I being a big baby about this? Should I just buy some flowers and a card and go to her house? Or should I just let DH and SIL deal with it?

I like the nice cactus idea.

Yeah. With a card saying "one prickly fucker to another"

😯😯 it's so sad that people are like That!! But I will echo pp and say fuck the visit and the flowers. What a nasty piece of work!

She is the nasty piece of work not you OP! Sorry if that isn't clear in my post

Don't give the old bat anything. You need to start telling her when she's a bitch. She'll never respect you so call her out every.single.time. She's walking all over you because you let her. Don't let her!

Anyway, hospital wise, she's a cow, leave her to it.

Many hospitals are shut to visitors who are children. They carry loads of bugs. Be the 'supportive wife' and look after the children so he can visit alone and save the dc from her devious ways passing on infections. I hear there is flu and norovirus going around again .

Seriously, people are telling you to rise above it and send flowers??? No wonder bullies get away with this kind of shit.

Absolutely DO NOT send flowers or a card FFS. Or if you do, get her a one that says "shame you're not dead" on it.

What sort of surgery is it? Will she be in for a long time?

As pp said, don't take the children or allow DH to take them. Too many bugs. Oh, and she's nasty.

"send flowers and a card" "you could think of it as keeping the peace for him"

WTAF?

I get on very well with my MIL. She is ill rather a lot in her old age. I never ever get her flowers and a card. Her son, my DH, does all that.

He arranges any visits too. He would usually go himself alone or maybe with only one of the DC when she's recovering to avoid overwhelming her.

Why on earth is sorting all this even on your potential to-do list?

Thank you for you replies, let me start by saying I am leaving DH ( long story) in case you haven’t read my other threads.

Thank goodness, I honestly thought I was being out of order by not putting our differences aside and visit her when she’s ill.

⁃	He is the biggest man child known to mankind, he has been babied throughout his whole life by MIL and expects me to do the same, he has even asked his mum to iron some of his clothes if I haven’t got round to it when she comes to our house. I’ll hear her huff and puff and make snide comments to DH about how he should get me to do it since I’m his wife. I’ve told him before I don’t like it when he asks her because it makes me look bad( yes I know I need to grow a backbone)

⁃	exactly what <strong>moistcantaloupe</strong> said, I fear that if I don’t do anything it will give her some ammunition to use against me, like her telling people I didn’t visit when she was ill etc. 

⁃	he’s not really thoughtful in that way, so it’s up to me to get cards and presents etc. 


⁃	He’s not the sort of man who would go NC with his mum. He will defend me when his mum slags me off yes, but will mostly make excuses for her like “ she’s stressed..” “ she didn’t mean it..” he even had a go at me once because I dared to be upset when his mum slagged me off because “ I should understand that she was upset and going through some stuff”. 

Good lord, she’s gonna be so happy when she finds out I’m out of their lives for good (not entirely out of dhs life cuz of DC, but you get the picture)

He is the ultimate mummy’s boy, gosh never again!

Oh, well in that case, definitely send her a card saying "Shame you're not dead" on it. Might as well go out with a bang!!!

Don't even worry if she uses it against you, after you leave your H, you won't have to worry about it any more.

Good luck.

Well in that case give her a lovely present of Mummy's boy coming to live with her again to 'help her recouperate'. It's the least you can do!

Why should you go and se he r in hospital or even send her a card when she has been so horrid to you? She has put you down, actively tried to get your dh to cheat by introducing him to other women like you said and has generally been horrible to you. I honestly wouldnt even acknowledge her going into hospital or acknowledge her at all. Would she come visit you or send a card to you if you were in hospital? Judging on what you have said about her I'd say no. I'd cut my loses and go nc with her. No one needs a vile person like that in there life.

I would send her anything.
She's welcome to her big baby son back .

I fear that if I don’t do anything it will give her some ammunition

If nobody is in the firing line then ammunition is useless. You are divorcing, you need have nothing more to do with her ever again.

Besides, with people like that, if you don't give them ammo they'll make shit up themselves.

They both sound awful OP - no need to send your soon to be ex MIL anything after her behaviour. Who cares what she says!

What would she do if the positions were reversed?

If my MIL treated me like that I wouldn't give her a light on a dark night, never mind sending her bloody flowers.

You are leaving her son. You would be crazy to visit this woman. What on earth would be the point?

She gave your kids coffee?! What the actual fuck? No don't go, if you're leaving him you can definitely ignore her!

I wouldn’t see her and surely any card and flowers are her son’s responsibility

Runrabbit omg you're so right! I am divorcing, she is soon to be ex MIL. Who gives a shit what she thinks? I'm out of her life soon. Thank you

I'm not giving her jack and no I don't know if she would have done the same for me MyBrillantDisguise if the roles were reversed, tbh I don't think she would.

Aquamarine I don't know why I am like this tbh, I think it's years of trying to make her like me, trying to please her after rejection after rejection. Trying to do things right so she doesn't talk about me. It's taken it's toll on me. That's why even after everything she's put me through, I'm still thinking about whether I should visit her after her surgery so she doesn't talk about me. The fuck was I thinking?

I think once Ive separated and moved out, I won't be ready for a new relationship for years to come. I really need to work on myself, on my self esteem and confidence. This marriage and MIL has really taken its toll on me 😢

And even when she comes round my anxiety goes through the roof, she makes me so nervous and uncomfortable. I can't even tell her to not come cuz he would never let me, so his mum comes and goes as she pleases.

Rosiie buy yourself some flowers, you deserve them! Good luck with your separation. I'm no clairvoyant but I predict a much happier future for you. As for soon to be ex MIL ......hopefully her operation will give her some time to reflect, or maybe a mild but painful infection!