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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to help friend but be struggling to find a balance

75 replies

Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 15:28

Hiya

Bit of background

My friend and I met through our dcs (3) and have been good friends for pretty much 3 years with no problems we've always helped each other out with bits and bobs and I've always felt that the friendship was balanced.

She's recently had her second dc and although my dh and I are happy to help it's got to the point where its a bit much

For example

I was asked to pick up her dd from nursery as friend was tired (fair enough) and when we reached their house they weren't in and were unreachable so I took dd back to our house I got a text saying she'd popped out and would pick dd up on the way home, she turned up at 645 I'd fed showered and put her dd into pj's and was contemplating putting her to bed with my dd friend said she got side tracked.

She's asked us to help out with taking her dd to an extra curricular activity each week as she's got 2 dcs now, I've offered to split them with her and 2e each do 50/50. She'd rather not and said she'd hoped we'd do them all. Same with swimming class each weekend.

I was asked to attend an event at her dds nursery on her behalf as she doesn't want to take both dcs as it seems like hard work (her words not mine) I offered to go into work late and help her get out of the house with both dcs so she could attend she declined and text my mil who went instead (couldn't go as I'd already booked time off work as went to my own dds event)

She asked me to have her dd for a few hours today which I was happy to do told her I'd take them both to soft play to burn some energy friend wasn't happy with activity and said her dd wanted to do arts and crafts at my house and she'd keep her at home then turned up this afternoon unannounced to drop her dd off and has left

I really don't mind helping my friend but I also don't want so much responsibility for some one else's child. What's the balance here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 16:56

When she picks her dd up I'm going to talk to her and tell her where I'm at I don't want children shoved through my door unannounced the "dd would prefer to do this activity" thing doesn't bother me as we continue as planned and her dd doesn't come it's the turning up after I don't like and what I will broach with her

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 19/02/2018 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 17:10

Wow! Didn't think not locking the door when I'm home was such a big deal but I will take the advice of mumsnet and start locking my door

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 19/02/2018 17:14

OP you do realise that some people turn on the tears as an attention-seeking manipulative strategy don't you?

Willow2017 · 19/02/2018 17:17

Nic I dont lock my door till evening either its normal round here too but i think you need to till she gets the message.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 17:21

Nike - I do I have vast quantities of experience with people like that and its one of the reasons I'm nc with a large portion of my family Smile

When I had my dd I cried because my tie looked a funny shape Hmm it can do funny things

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 17:22

Toe not tie

OP posts:
DeathStare · 19/02/2018 17:22

If this is new behaviour and she used to split everything fairly evenly, then I think it sounds more like PND than CF. To be honest it sounds like she isn't coping well. Sometimes with depression people honestly cannot cope with interacting with others - maybe that's what is going on when she just put her DD through your door. I'm not saying that makes it OK, but I do think you need to consider that she might be really struggling and need some support but be unable to articulate that.

Maybe the conversation would be better started with "Are you ok? I'm concerned about you" rather than "Next time my door will be locked"

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 17:25

Death- that's the route I plan to take because if she is struggling she needs my support not my judgement

OP posts:
scrappymeerkat · 19/02/2018 17:30

I feel for you op it's a tough one. A part of me thinks she's being cheeky and should try and manage taking both dc there like many other mothers of multiple children do, but the other part of me thinks that especially if this is out of the ordinary, something sounds wrong here and she could be really struggling with PND or post natal anxiety. Could you gently ask her if she's ok, without causing any upset?

witchofzog · 19/02/2018 17:38

What would have happened if her dd had headed into another part of the house unnoticed and then you went out? You don't behave like this, feeling sensitive or not, you just don't

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/02/2018 18:25

She's really taking you for a ride isn't she...

What do you get from this friendship??

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 18:26

Update:

Friend has picked her dd up she was visibly shaken when she arrived. Ive asked her what the problem is as I'm genuinely concerned and want to help her but I don't want responsibility for a second child.

She's struggling big time she knows she's done wrong today but said that her dd was being really difficult to manage and her new baby is being a demanding feeder and she's feeling over whelmed and knew that her dd would be safe with me.

Her husband is due on a shift break in the next couple of days so I've agreed to support her on the grounds that she must stick to what we arrange and not pop her dd into my house unannounced again.

I've also made it clear that I have my own dd and commitments plus dh and I both work and have to juggle that too so are not in a position to have an additional child at the drop of a hat.

I do think that she needs some professional help but she's not ready to hear this yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 18:27

Witch-theres no where to wonder In my house kitchen that leads off the hall is gated as is the stairs the only way through is to my living room

OP posts:
Sweetpea55 · 19/02/2018 18:31

She's very lucky to have a friend as understanding.as you OP. But I can't help the cheeky fucker light flashing in my mind.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 18:39

Sweet pea- ill monitor how things go if she strays from what I've stipulated then I'll pull the plug if she becomes more erratic out of concern I'll speak to her husband and urge him to go down the professional help route

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 19/02/2018 18:40

OP you are a lovely person and she is so lucky to have you as a friend.

RhubarbYoghurt · 19/02/2018 18:40

I know lots are seeing her as a CF. And I'm the first to reach for a box of popcorn 🍿 when a CF thread arrives on the board.

I wonder too about PND. I have a 3 year old and lately I am struggling. I'm tired, studying and in midst of exam season at uni, have a placement on the horizon and could cry I'm so tired.

I can see myself just pushing my child through my friends door and driving away. As a stressed out mum who is doing her best but feels like she's failing.

I think if you can take her child and want too then do it. But maybe suggest she finds a childminder so she can get a break when it becomes too much.

Yes the child goes to nursery. But sometimes you just can't cope

DeathStare · 19/02/2018 18:40

Please can we all stop calling her a CF now? It's clear that she is struggling mental health-wise and needs some support. That doesn't mean the OP should feel obliged to drop everything to do as she wants, but equally lets not judge her for having mental health issues and not being able to cope.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 18:53

Rhubarb - my mil has agreed to have her dd 2 afternoons a week until the summer break as she picks my dd up too so that will help they can't afford paid childcare.

Appreciate it's seems a bit weird but we're a close knit bunch and mil has been out with us all and been to friends for dinner and vice versa.

My find is just a struggling mum who had had a bad day there are days when I've sat at her house and cried because I've been stressed with dd/work etc

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 19/02/2018 18:55

OP sshhh but we only pick our doors at night, so does everyone else around here too!

Saltandsauce · 19/02/2018 19:11

What a lovely friend you are Op, I too thought it could be PND, she sounds a bit lost tbh, and needs a friend like you around her. I hope you can stick by her, obviously within reason. Hope she starts to feel better soon xxx

OliviaBenson · 19/02/2018 19:47

But surely if she was on her knees she would have taken up the offer of soft play this morning?

I'm very sympathetic to MH issues and it does sound like she's struggling with PND but I think she's a CF as well....

RhubarbYoghurt · 19/02/2018 19:51

@Nicpem1982 you and your MIL sound lovely Thanks

RandomMess · 19/02/2018 21:03

Sadshe doesn't sound in a good place does she. Hopefully things work out ok.

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