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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to help friend but be struggling to find a balance

75 replies

Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 15:28

Hiya

Bit of background

My friend and I met through our dcs (3) and have been good friends for pretty much 3 years with no problems we've always helped each other out with bits and bobs and I've always felt that the friendship was balanced.

She's recently had her second dc and although my dh and I are happy to help it's got to the point where its a bit much

For example

I was asked to pick up her dd from nursery as friend was tired (fair enough) and when we reached their house they weren't in and were unreachable so I took dd back to our house I got a text saying she'd popped out and would pick dd up on the way home, she turned up at 645 I'd fed showered and put her dd into pj's and was contemplating putting her to bed with my dd friend said she got side tracked.

She's asked us to help out with taking her dd to an extra curricular activity each week as she's got 2 dcs now, I've offered to split them with her and 2e each do 50/50. She'd rather not and said she'd hoped we'd do them all. Same with swimming class each weekend.

I was asked to attend an event at her dds nursery on her behalf as she doesn't want to take both dcs as it seems like hard work (her words not mine) I offered to go into work late and help her get out of the house with both dcs so she could attend she declined and text my mil who went instead (couldn't go as I'd already booked time off work as went to my own dds event)

She asked me to have her dd for a few hours today which I was happy to do told her I'd take them both to soft play to burn some energy friend wasn't happy with activity and said her dd wanted to do arts and crafts at my house and she'd keep her at home then turned up this afternoon unannounced to drop her dd off and has left

I really don't mind helping my friend but I also don't want so much responsibility for some one else's child. What's the balance here?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 19/02/2018 16:13

she's quite sensitive at the min
No, she's a CF. She'll only be 'sensitive' if you call her out on it and say no. Lock your door, don't answer your phone, problem sorted.

Gizzymum · 19/02/2018 16:15

I think @Knittedfairies is wrong, she isn't veering into CF territory - she's there already and making herself well at home!

It sounds like the asking for help picking up kids etc is what you would normally do for each other, but the asking you to babysit AND asking you to do something specific (and messy) with her DC is one step too far. Turning up unannounced or a few hours late is also inappropriate.

I imagine you already have an instinct for whether it is PND or just CF'ish-ness. If it's the former, sit down and raise your concerns with her nicely. If it's the latter, next time she turns up unannounced just tell her you had other plans and ask her to call in advance in future. If you do agree to pick up her DC, ask for a time when she'll be round to pick up the DC as you "have plans" and who should you drop DC off with if she's running late. If she can't give you a time and alternative babysitters say you can't do it as you can't be late for your "plans". Also, if she says she will pick DC up after meal time, ask her for the food she's brought for the meal (unless she warned you in advance about needing to feed DC) as you only got enough food out the freezer for x number of people. She'll soon learn that she can't take the mick. I think you just need to start being a bit harsher (sorry) but without completely refusing to help (to keep your friendship, assuming you want to).

Good luck. I fear you'll need it

Headofthehive55 · 19/02/2018 16:15

Concentrate on telling her "it's too much fir me" don't be the capable one.

rocketgirl22 · 19/02/2018 16:20

Taking advantage - you need to take the biggest step back and become very unavailable. You are working now so have the perfect excuse.
No sorry busy but hope to see you soon should be the standard reply.

What you are describing is not friendship, it is unpaid childcare.

ClemDanfango · 19/02/2018 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2018 16:23

"Well when she picks her dd up I'll speak with her but need to do it nicely she's quite sensitive at the min"
No. Do not do it nicely. And I'd question how 'sensitive' she is - it's the sort of stunt pulled by those with the skin of a rhino.

Ask her what the hell she is playing at. You are her friend not her skivvy, and if she doesn't stop her nonsense you won't be her friend for much longer. Yes, you may need to be that blunt.w

RandomMess · 19/02/2018 16:25

Where is her DH/DP in all of this? Why does she want you to do weekend swimming for her DD rather than share? It's madness/CF

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 16:25

Nike- she's not long had a baby so yeah she's a tad sensitive and exhausted

Gizzy- she struggled with her last dd after a difficult time so she could have PND which is why I don't want to go in all guns blazing because if she's struggling she needs my support not my judgement HOWEVER part of me knows she would milk palming her dd off and having some down time and may take advantage.

We used to have an equal split of helping each other out and she's done stuff for me and had dd when we've attended family funerals etc and had no one else she's also picked my dd up when my mil was ill so I didn't have to leave work but I've never popped my dd through her front door and left

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 19/02/2018 16:26

It's a classic case of giving someone an inch and they've taken a mile. I don't mind occasionally helping anyone out, but I won't be taken the piss out of and people who I have done good turns for, have tried to exploit my kindness. I now don't do any favours and this is a sad state of affairs, but never in all my years of child rearing, have I asked a soul to do anything for me. Like I did, you need to learn to say No, her childcare arrangements are not your problem.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 16:26

Random her dh works shifts so isn't around much

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 16:27

Clem - yes she did. If my doors unlocked were home

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 19/02/2018 16:29

This is far too much and there’s zero reciprocity. She is now being a CF, regardless of how isolated she is. One thing that seems common in these tales of CF’s is the lack of gratitude and how the CF comes to expect this as the norm and actually becomes annoyed at the withdrawal of ‘services’ rather than grateful they’ve had a favour for so long. Be prepared.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 19/02/2018 16:29

Lock your doors op! I can’t get over pushing her in your house and not even speaking to you?!?

Mitzimaybe · 19/02/2018 16:33

Do not cook a separate meal for her child. If you invited said child then you need to take fussy eating (I put religion into that category) into account. If child is just dumped on you with no warning then she either eats what the family eats or she gets bread and jam, assuming she's allowed to eat bread and jam.

RandomMess · 19/02/2018 16:33

Clearly you are happy to help which is lovely. I would take back control and offer when you could have her DD - perhaps late afternoon and you'll drop her off for bedtime.

Don't be afraid to say "no that doesn't work for me" or "I need to check and get back to you"

jay55 · 19/02/2018 16:34

She just put her child in your house and left?

RandomMess · 19/02/2018 16:34

Also get your DD to go there for a play, she may find it easier with your DD there to play with hers?

BrendasUmbrella · 19/02/2018 16:34

Think I need to start locking my front door

Unless you live in Super Safe Happyland you should anyway!!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 16:44

Mitzi- I can not deliberately go against religious dietary requirements I think its immoral, nor can I feed her bread and jam to make a point to her mum, its not her dds fault she's been shoved through my front door unannounced.

Jay - yes and she's still here pottering around and playing.

Random - I will suggest that my dd goes to hers for a play and see what she says.

Brenda- I don't know anyone in my street that locks their front door if they're in, growing up the front door was never locked and neither was dhs

OP posts:
diddl · 19/02/2018 16:44

"she's quite sensitive at the min"

Hahahahaha!

Sounds to me as if she's got a hide like a rhino!

Do you mean she gets upset when people don't jump to do her exact bidding??

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 19/02/2018 16:47

Diddl- no that's not what I mean. She's exhausted and a tad emotional so the smallest thing is upsetting her, her mil made a comment about the babies sleepsuit and she started to cry......

OP posts:
HolyShet · 19/02/2018 16:50

friend wasn't happy with activity and said her dd wanted to do arts and crafts at my house

Until I read this I thought oh gosh perhaps she is really struggling

now I think she's just got you mixed up with the paid au pair she meant to get

diddl · 19/02/2018 16:51

Ok then-she's a sensitive piss taker!

" when we reached their house they weren't in and were unreachable"

" her dd wanted to do arts and crafts at my house and she'd keep her at home then turned up this afternoon unannounced to drop her dd off and has left"

Totally unacceptable behaviour.

Willow2017 · 19/02/2018 16:53

That still doesnt give her the right to use you as a doormat.

You need to let her know you are not at her beck and call. That you will have her dd when it suits you and at prearranged times not just shoving her through the doir and buggering off for hours.

CF is as CF does.

diddl · 19/02/2018 16:53

I think that the balance is you help when you want, not when she says & also when it's convenient-not when you are having to rearrange stuff.