To not want to go to inlaws anymore because of dh?

[Sleepyduvetday]

I want to know if I abu about these things. Dh and I have two dc, we visit in-laws regularly (they ask us to). When we are there these are the sort of things that happen.

Dh ignores any bad behaviour in the dc, if they're getting boisterous or whatever he just leaves me to sort them out like the default parent.

He ignores me when I speak to him or ridicules me.

For example the other day he was saying he felt really unwell, feverish etc. I suggested he take some paracetamol and he told me I was a paracetamol addict and that he didn't take tablets unless he really needed to.

His mum then gave me some lemsips to take home for him, he asked me to make one up for him there and then and his mum said she'd do it, he said no because his mum does enough for him and. I should do it.

He lets his mum run around after him like a two year old, she cooks a meal for everyone, then is left to clear up after everyone. I help by clearing plates, wiping sides but dh just goes and sits down.

Just do like him, sit down comfortably and ignore him and the dc s mess.

The light bulb moment I decided to stop going to my ils was the best! (except when we divorced and I never ever had to see them!) Told 'd' h to crack right on if he wanted to be waited on hand and foot it wasn't gonna be me but his dm was welcome to!! I did the house work while they(him +dc who also sat around waited on!! ) were gone, enabling me to get some 'me' time during the week!!

My partner is an arse when his mum is around. He either ignores me, back-chats or generally shows off. Different person at home.

You need to start picking him up on it.

DH. You're a paracetamol addict...
You. Well Suffer then

DH. Make me a lemsip
You. Can't it has paracetamol in it.

You. Says something interesting.
DH. Ignores you
You. Well ignore me then why don't you.

Then when you've had a couple of visits like this next time she asks you round you say. Yes happy to as long as you treat me with respect while we're there.

You've broken it once when you got together, you can break it again
Good luck

To a certain extend, many (most?) people revert a little when they are around their parents - whether that is allowing themselves to be looked after, stropping like a teenager or just falling into their familiar family role of joker, peacemaker, golden child, etc.

However, your husband is a) extreme and b) unacceptable. It also demonstrates a dynamic that I would be uneasy with, viz. that he is demonstrating to his mother that he still considers her to be the "first" woman in his life.

He is drawing her attention to the fact that you are "failing" to take care of him in the way you should, and that he feels justified in rebuking you about it. This is all for her benefit - "See mummy, you're still the best and silly old Sleepyduvetday will never take your place. Isn't she rubbish at looking after me?"

It's creepy and disrespectful and deeply immature - you need to pull him up on it every single time with consequences. Or refuse to go and see his inlaws - and make sure you tell your MIL the reason.

I cannot get past him telling you to make a lemsip for him so as not to burden his mother, not even considering the possibility he could get off his lazy arse and do it. Who the actual fuck does he think he is?!

Send him on his own with the kids. You don't need to go just be be belittled by this stupid little man child who doesn't realise the simplest of crap like Lemsip contains paracetamol!

Don't put up with that none sense either. It's ridiculous.

His mum then gave me some lemsips to take home for him, he asked me to make one up for him there and then and his mum said she'd do it, he said no because his mum does enough for him and. I should do it

Sorry but why the hell didn't you tell him to make it for himself?

She gave you the Lemsip to take home for him? Is he not capable of bringing something himself? Urgh.

SendIn has it spot on; he's highlighting all the areas you're failing in so it's almost a competition between you and her as to who can look after him best, meanwhile he remains a lazy arse incapable of making his own drinks.

Disengage from it; if he wants to behave like a tool, let him. If he wants to revert to being a baby, let him. You don't have to go, you don't have to even be around him if you don't want to be.

why the hell didn't you tell him to make it for himself?

I don't actually know why, it was all just so bizarre.

Originally we were supposed to be leaving the dc with in laws while we went for something from the shops and went for a coffee/lunch for a few hours. Dh decided he didn't fancy coffee/lunch out so we would just go to the shops, taking maybe an hour.

When we arrived mil had got lunch in for the dc and crafts for them to do, but dh suddenly came over all ill, so we were delayed while he made his mind up, he went to sleep for a while too.

Then he started apologising to mil for 'ruining her day', not for cancelling the babysitting, but for turning up and stopping her from having a day to herself.

Even though the babysitting had been arranged for 2 weeks, not to mention that in laws always bite our hand off to have the dc for a bit.

Yes she gave me the lemsip, she always gives me things to 'look after' for dh. To be fair she's right, he's lose his head.

I'd never thought of it as being a competition, he can piss off, I'm not his mother and have no desire to be.

I spent 15 years being ruled over by the ex MIL. It was soul destroying. we had to go every sunday and every holiday. never spent xmas as a family, had to go there xmas eve, open presents at home xmas day then go there xmas day evening and kids had to open their presents in front of his family boxing day, never saw my family. he rang her all the time, she chose what paint etc we had in our house. she made snide comments all the time, called me fat said any hobby I did was awful. in the middle of snow, awful weather had to take new born babies over 90 mins in the car to see her. we argued about her and the way she was, he always took her side. she even had a locket with his photo and a lock of his hair in it (now hair not baby hair). she was like a tyrant. that was 15 years of my life. luckily he is a ex and I dont see her. its bliss. we dont chose our family.

This really IS a dh problem, not a mil problem!

To be fair, in laws are alright really. We're quite different but they've been kind to me and the dc.

It is dh.

Mine turns into "super husband/dad" when his parents are around. The first few times I just sat there, gob smacked wondering what the hell he was doing. He literally did everything, hoovering, dusting, washing, cleaning the floors, dusting, dishes, ran about after the kids. Then I got clever and waited with the jobs he was putting off and dropping the into conversation when the out laws were around...

Seriously though, I think that's part of the reason they dislike me, because he made it seem like I did nothing while he, poor soul, had a full time job, a house and two kids to look after. They should have seen a normal day!

Wow, he sounds like a proper little Mum's boy. Please stand up to him and don't go to the inlaws. You will have a nice day to yourself and he can be served by his dear Mum.

YOu havent mentioned his dad. What is he like? Does he ignore his wife, treat her like a maid etc? Sounds like this how men behave in his family and he reverts/wants to fit in when he is there.

A bloody huge row along the lines of "If you EVER treat me like that again you will be back at your parents for good" would have happened the second we stepped out of the door if that had been me!

To be fair, in laws are alright really. We're quite different but they've been kind to me and the dc.

I'm sorry but they're not so alright because they brought up a man with a massive sense of overentitlement.

Turning into a child again around your parents is really weird. I agree with others, leave him to take the kids himself. You don't need to be there and can do something for yourself. If his MIL ends up doing the graft then at least you don't have to watch him being lazy. Maybe go see your inlaws 1 out of every 4 times he visits.

That's a common arrangement in families, for the son/daughter to take the grandkids on their own to visit parents.

Op have you ever thought of letting your DH visit his parents on his own with just the children and see how he copes or do you feel you have to visit at the same time.
If he were my son he would get short shrift from me about being tied to my apron strings.

Let him go on his own with the kids a couple of times, and then you go on your own with the kids.

What's your FIL like - does he sit on his backside being waited on hand and foot as well?

Your DH sounds like a dick, but if you do actually like your ILs, and the DC like them too, why not arrange to see them without your DH? (I think I see my ex's mother more than he does.)

Christ, if my DH had demanded I served him a Lemsip like some sort of emperor it definitely wouldn’t have been dished up orally...

sorry but a grown man demanding his wife or mummy makes him a lemsip would get short shrift from me.
He sounds like a dick.