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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in dd’s School she’s not settling

43 replies

SpicedGirl · 19/02/2018 09:16

My very confidence happy dd started reception in sept since then she’s lost some of her confidence she’s struggling with playing with friends feels left out,worries about going to school.
She went up with lots of friends from preschool and toddler groups,I’ve been doing lots of play dates getting her involved in local groups but she’s still not settling. Her teacher say she’s fine and I shouldn’t worry but obviously I do.
I’ve said after this week if no improvement I’ll need a proper meeting with her but if that doesn’t work then what?! I’m so sad and worried for my dd :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SpicedGirl · 19/02/2018 09:20

I suppose what I’m saying is at what point do I start to take bigger measures do I speak to head of ks1, head of school look at other schools?

OP posts:
SEsofty · 19/02/2018 09:22

What exactly is the issue? You need to try and distill exactly what is the problem. Is it that she would prefer to be at home than school. That might be the case for the next thirteen years. Can she do the academic work? Is she disruptive?

Original poster
SpicedGirl · 19/02/2018 09:26

Academically she’s doing fine.
Socially she’s unhappy she’s by herself at lunchtimes sometimes, kids are grouping off and she’s feel unable to join in.
She cries at bedtime and has had some nights she struggles to sleep because she’s anxious about school- complete change in her outgoing independent character.

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saoirse31 · 19/02/2018 09:26

Agree with sesofty.... You need to see is it just she'd rather stay at home, is she worried about getting things wrong, is she bored etc.

Also try and ensure you're not passing on your concerns to her.

I used to find sometimes asking what was the best, funniest, worst thing that happened today useful.. But I wouldn't keep on at her about it either.

Original poster
SpicedGirl · 19/02/2018 09:26

Basically she’s lonely

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LIZS · 19/02/2018 09:28

I'm not sure this is the school's fault. Speak to the class teacher first - what are the social dynamics, any academic issues, does she join in or avoid activities etc. Have you checked her sight and hearing in case she feels isolated from what is happening and rule problems out if nothing else. Glue ear is common at this age for example. Moving seems an extreme reaction at this stage.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 19/02/2018 09:29

You need to ask her what she likes and doesn’t like about school. Check things like eyesight and hearing, to ensure she’s not struggling because of that.
Then yes, formal meeting with the teacher and wait to see where you go from there.
There are of course lots of children say they hate school and don’t want to go, but then have a lovely day.

saoirse31 · 19/02/2018 09:29

Cross post. I'd probably talk to teacher again tbh, about just that issue. Did she have same issue at preschool?

Can you find out why she can't / won't join in, role play a bit..

Believeitornot · 19/02/2018 09:30

How do you know she is lonely? I mean - is she telling you or a teacher?

How much are you reacting to what she’s saying?

junglebookisthebest · 19/02/2018 09:30

Reception is all about learning social skills and how to behave, the literacy and numeracy is just an added bonus.
We have had friendship and playing issues - this kind of thing is not going to resolve in a week. Take it step by step and gently deal with that days problems, knowing that tomorrow will probably bring a different problem if you have an anxious child who isn't naturally falling into line with the other kids. Going in guns blazing and swapping schools is just going to add more problems rather than resolve them from the limited info you have written.

ArnoldBee · 19/02/2018 09:30

Is she the eldest or an only child? My youngest had no problem settling in as he's the youngest on 3 and is used to having to fight for his position. My eldest on the other hand did struggle as he had never had to do this before. School is very different and she may have to try and find her own way before adult intervention.

Inthebluemoon · 19/02/2018 09:31

Is she one of the youngest of the year?

Original poster
SpicedGirl · 19/02/2018 09:31

Eyes not long checked she did have an ear infection not long ago so when they checked her to see if that was clear would glue ear be obvious?
I think I’m putting onus on school as I’m doing as much as I can socially at home for her but if she’s wandering around alone at break times and lunchtimes they need to be doing something I feel.

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LIZS · 19/02/2018 09:32

Maybe they can use a buddy scheme or have a friendship bench.

Quartz2208 · 19/02/2018 09:32

Reception is tough particularly socially as children chop and change friendships all the time

Does she have friends there who she does playdates with

Original poster
SpicedGirl · 19/02/2018 09:34

Shes got a younger brother and bday was jan. This has been Happening since she started but worse since Xmas so not a new thing, spoke to teacher about it at last parents evening raised again at Xmas and now.

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Steeley113 · 19/02/2018 09:34

Sometimes kids say things like ‘no one plays with me’ when it’s not actually true and on observation, they’re playing with others quite a lot. I’d just say to the teacher can you keep an eye on her at break and make sure she’s got a friend/buddy her up. No need for a huge fuss.

BertrandRussell · 19/02/2018 09:37

You need to be a little careful about taking her reports of what’s happening at face value- sometimes 10 minutes with no one to play with looms much larger in their heads than the rest of the time when they did. But if she’s crying and anxious you need to talk to the teacher again. Schools can usually do a bit of social engineering .........

spacegirl2017 · 19/02/2018 09:37

You could try doing some role playing with her around getting involved with other children's games. Simply going up to someone she knows and saying can I play with you? Helping her develop resilience and not to take things personally. So if a child says no just go and find someone else. Young kids are generally pretty inclusive ime. Perhaps ask the teacher if she could encourage a group of children to include her, or for the lunchtime staff to keep an eye on her.

It's really hard not to project our adult feelings and interpretation on to situations like this, but she may well not be as unhappy at school as she seems to be.

SEsofty · 19/02/2018 09:38

This is really tough for you and her but not necessarily an issue that school can solve.

You need to try and establish if the other children are being actively nasty and excluding her or whether she doesn't want to do what they are doing etc.

If other children are being horrible then school can intervene but if the later much harder.

Some children take a long time, and I mean years not weeks to settle the friendship thing.

And some of them never like playtime.

You may need to simply explain to her that playtime is only a small bit of the day and give her ideas. Eg skipping rope. Role play asking if she can join in. Taking in a football and asking others to play it

RavenWings · 19/02/2018 09:40

A buddy system would work well. The teacher won't be out at every yard break so can't be expected to report back on every break.

You might also need to look at her play skills: is she getting involved and asking to join in? Able to adapt to games others want to play instead of needing to have it all her own way? I've dealt with a few kids who were lonely because they were unable to be flexible or forward enough.

SD1978 · 19/02/2018 09:40

Have you confirmed or had teachers look out for whether she actually is alone at break? My daughter says the same- but usually it’s not wholly true- is only for part of the break. None of the kids are mean to her, but she has a perception that if someone doesn’t want to play her game, they also do t want to play with her. We’ve been working on this. I’d try to have the teacher confirm or deny this by having the teachers on playground duty keep an eye on the situation for a few days before escalating it further.

HorsesCourses · 19/02/2018 09:41

Most schools have staff out at playtimes (or responsible mature older children) to help the younger children join in and play together. Ask at school, what strategies are in place to help children like your DD at playtimes. And encourage your DD to seek out any of these opportunities.
Sounds like she could just do with one friend to 'hang onto'. Can you identify someone suitable and help her cultivate one good friend- rather than scattergun effect with lots of friends?
I'd be upset too if this was my child. It's hard to let them go out into the world... but she is not alone. She has you and the school to support her. I think changing schools would be no help at all as it sounds more like your daughter needs to develop her social skills rather than other children being unkind.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2018 09:48

My dd was suddenly deserted by her best friend in yr1 and the girl made the other kids choose, dd was left alone. I assume nothing like this is happening is it? This was something said to the best friend by best friends mum Hmm. I’m not saying this is the case though.

Others have said about playground buddy systems and friendship benches. Many schools have them. The yr5/6 children go and play with the younger ones. I’d ask your School if this exists. If not, is there a nice lunchtime supervisor (dinner lady) she could go around with. Dd was with one almost every day for a very long time.

JaniceBattersby · 19/02/2018 09:54

Honestly, from my experience, kids in reception are bullshitters. You can’t really take what they say about friendships at face value.

Mine have both had periods when they say they’ve played alone. When I’ve asked the teacher, she says they’re both really popular. It’s normal for things to be a bit fraught with friendships at this age because they’re all establishing pecking orders and friendship groups but it’s rare for a child to play on their own the whole time.