To be disappointed in dd’s School she’s not settling

[SpicedGirl]

My very confidence happy dd started reception in sept since then she’s lost some of her confidence she’s struggling with playing with friends feels left out,worries about going to school.
She went up with lots of friends from preschool and toddler groups,I’ve been doing lots of play dates getting her involved in local groups but she’s still not settling. Her teacher say she’s fine and I shouldn’t worry but obviously I do.
I’ve said after this week if no improvement I’ll need a proper meeting with her but if that doesn’t work then what?! I’m so sad and worried for my dd :(

You've had some good advice, OP. Sometimes things aren't exactly as they seem. A thought that I had was that maybe she wants to play with specific people and they don't want to include her. It may be that there are others who would like to play with her.

If not, is there a nice lunchtime supervisor (dinner lady) she could go around with. Dd was with one almost every day for a very long time.

^^ that isnt appropriate either. The child needs to be interacting with her peers, not preventing someone from doing their job.

As said, most schools do have a buddy system, but most primaries are used to parents with similar worries - call them and ask for a quiet word with the teacher, or pop in a pick up time (provided she hasnt got a meeting to go to)

I agree that maybe your daughter is focusing on a tiny part of playtime where she may not have found her friends (getting coats on, going to the toilet can separate them) and then for the rest of the play she is with them.

If you asked Ds1 what he did in nursery he would tell you he only played at the sand table despite there being a rota system for the activities and photographic evidence of him playing at each station. But according to him, only ever the sand table.

If the teacher is telling you she has friends then she probably has friends.

This whole thing maybe because she leaves every day for school and sees her brother staying home with you.

Holly
Perhaps I wasn’t clear. The lunchtime supervisor in question got the children playing together and organised games so that dd had her peers to play with. She wasn’t standing holding her hand and watching. But she needed the supervisor to help her to re integrate and find new friends. But as she’d been bullied by an adult through her child, it took 5 months for her to even remotely get her self worth back.

So it wasn’t inappropriate.

I agree with most on this thread, e.g. not to take things at face value, but I would be worried about her not being happy out of school as this is a sign that everything is not well.

In my experience, children struggle to articulate what really is wrong, the "I don't have any friends" or "I am bored" need to be taken as a sign something is disturbing them but they may not know how to articulate it.

People imagine an unhappy child is just one sat in a corner in the playground, but often even being surrounded by friends doesn't mean a child is happy. They could feel like they are being excluded by their best friend, or make themselves do games/activities they don't like or just in general not like the environment, feel uncomfortable.

School settings can vary so much, and there is a lot of getting used to from nursery to reception as there is from Y6 to Y7 and it does take around a year to settle for some. But I would go in and speak to the teacher, also the idea of role play is a good one to spot the real issues yourself.

I would give it this year and see how it pans out for you.

My kids say this. The teachers have assured me they are popular and play with everyone. I think my dc feel sad as they haven't got a best friend or one special friend. This seems to be what it's all about. I try and explain that it's better to be friends with everyone.

My daughters both used to say they had no friends etc but whenever I checked they always did. Sometimes children think that they’re only friends with someone if they play together all the time but I’m betting your daughter is playing alongside other children all day long. Maybe work on her confidence a little so she feels able to just join in, young children don’t tend to notice others alone and inviting doesn’t always happen. Failing that is there another child she could get buddied up with perhaps?

Thank you all for some good insight think maybe I do need to take a step back and think it’s not necessarily her alone all the time but my greatest concern is the change in her personality since starting. I know they all change a little when beginning school as it’s a big adjustment but she’s really lost her resilience and it’s affected her self esteem before she would think ‘you don’t want to play- well your kids now she’s gets upset’ she’s also very passive with her friends outside of school trying to please them even if she doesn’t actually want to do something.

That made no sense! I meant where’s before she would think and say ‘don’t want to play- oh well your loss’ water off a ducks back but now it upsets her

Reception is such a big adjustment. It can be tough for them. My dd had a few wobbles. She used to say that no one would play with her at lunchtime. The problem was she is a slow eater so her friends had finished and gone out to play before her. She then didn’t have the confidence to just join in or ask if she could play. We kept on reiterating that she just needed to say “can I play”. We actually role played and got her to practice saying it in a big voice. We said to her if they said “no” to tell us. They never did and things improved.

Kids at this age in general are lovely creatures. But they often are oblivious to kids on the periphery, especially when they are engrossed in playing. It’s not malicious, it’s just they haven’t learnt empathy yet.

Have you watched The Secret Life Of 4 Year Olds on channel 4? For me it was a real eye opener into how they interact at this age.

One thing they do at my dds school that I think works well for friendships is they mix up who sits or works with who. This means best friends aren’t always together and it seems to help stop strong cliques from forming. If my dd has been working with x before playtime they often play together. They also have buddies and partners for all sorts of things.

They have playground buddies too from older years who watch out for the younger ones. If anyone looks upset or alone they try to help.

My dd is now in y2 and is very happy and settled (fingers crossed!). I hope things improve for your dd xx

Is she or the teacher telling you she’s wandering alone at break and lunch? It could be her perception - maybe she’s doing it sometimes. Also, you need to be careful you are not accidentally making her anxious but asking her too many questions or asking leading questions. At her age my children would have never said something like they are wandering around friendless at breaks and lunchtimes.

She’s not used that wording specifically she talks about being lonely at school, no one to play with,by herself etc.
Yesterday she came out upset again teary as the buddies teacher had sorted out for lunchtime didn’t play with her but after school we saw some family friends and she was playing happily.

My daughter has similar issues. In her last school there used to be lunchtime clubs specifically for children who struggled with friendships during lunchtimes. There isn’t at her current school.

What I have noticed is that although the teachers and staff say she plays with friends she doesn’t actually do this. She plays alongside friends and tries to tag along. That’s very different to playing.

I would speak to the teacher again if this is an ongoing problem.

Haven’t spoken to the teacher but teaching assistant cameover to meat drop off to say she had a good day yest and I said that didn’t match up with how dd thought it went - she wondered if dd ‘was putting it on for attention’ which I said could be a possibility but given the change in her personality I didn’t think it was the whole case.

To me at drop off!

Whilst I think the TA was wrong to say about the putting it on for attention I do agree that there could be an element of her reading situations differently

Lunchtime is so long for reception (and really all primary school pupils) that it can be really tough for them

Just a thought. How old is baby brother? Some children take a lot longer than we realise, eg more than a year to adjust to new sibling and can't articulate the issue

My experience is most reception children are still at the stage where todays best friend will be the person they played with at playtime and they may well have a different person each day of the week.

The "Putting it on for attention" is badly worded, but I do know what they mean. I've come across parents who greet their child with "what happened today. Was anyone nasty..." and quiz the child relentlessly. Child finds that if they say "no one played"/"X was nasty" then they get lots of sympathy or further questions, whereas if they say it was a good day parent breathes a sigh of relief and forgets about it.

And we used to be able to view the playground at infants from the park. The number of times a parent told me that their child spent break/lunch time on their own not playing with anyone and next time I would take a peek when I was in the park with a younger one. Every single time I was able to go back and say they were playing happily with friends.