Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would change about your own childhood?

94 replies

Bluetree · 19/02/2018 07:15

I'm interested to know what you would have changed about your own childhood? Or how you wish it was different?

My mother lost custody of me and my sibling when we were only toddlers. So obviously I would have had a 'normal' mother. But also things like, I wish we did more as a children. I wish my father took us out more, explored more, interacted more. I would have seen more family. Changed our house into a home.

Things like that..

What would you have changed or wished were different?

OP posts:
Honeyishrunkthekids · 19/02/2018 08:11

Most things , my mum moved us without warning in with an abusive man who tormented us for ten years and isolated us from any extended family and most friends to normalise his behaviour. even now she goes into self pitying mode if it’s mentioned.

abeautifulmess · 19/02/2018 08:11

Quite a few things, but probably that I had spoken to people about what I was going through more. Because of various things going on in my family, I didn't feel I could talk about being badly bullied or suffering chronic pain and dizziness so suffered in silence until I was in my late teens.

theworstwife · 19/02/2018 08:11

I would have parents who didn’t scream at each other every second of every day and a father who wasn’t jealous of me

snotato · 19/02/2018 08:14

I would like it if my mum wasn’t an alcoholic.
I would also have liked it if she had stayed married to my dad,rather than going out with many abusive men.
I would have liked it if we had one home which we stayed in rather than moving at least once a year.
I would have liked her to have enabled my father to keep contact with me.
I would have liked it if we didn’t end up in a women’s refuge.
I would have liked it if we had a bit more money.

twattymctwatterson · 19/02/2018 08:18

I wish my mum hadn't been so critical. I never developed an sense of self esteem as a result. It's something I'm now working on as a 37 year old but I'll probably never feel good enough.

Drivemecrazy1974 · 19/02/2018 08:20

I would turn around to the bullies and tell them to 'Fuck Off'! Honestly, I reckon if I'd been a bit more vocal, I wouldn't have endured years of being the victim and still suffering from the after affects of that 30 years later.

lookingforaline18 · 19/02/2018 08:21

I had a very enjoyable childhood, so wouldn't change anything about it. Not even the fact that my parents split up when I was 11, because I was still happy.

If this thread was about what would you change about adulthood though, I could make a long list that would take all day to read. My adulthood has been fucking shit so far.

MessyBun247 · 19/02/2018 08:28

I wish we had been able to talk honestly. Talking through the many problems instead of pretending everything was ok.
I wish I had been encouraged to talk, have opinions, express myself, instead of being treated as a nuisance.
I wish I had decent clothes that fit, hair conditioner, clean underwear. I wish someone had cared how much I had eaten and whether I was hungry.
I wish I hadn’t been guilt tripped into doing activities I hated ie piano lessons, church activities (well ok you don’t HAVE to do it, but il be very disappointed in you).
I wish my dad had done something about his mental health problems instead of making us all suffer.
I wish he had gone to work instead of staying home to ‘look after’ us. A childminder would have been far better.
I wish religion wasn’t a part of my childhood.

So, a lot really. I’m only really starting to work through my feelings about all this at the age of 32. It’s painful and I have no one to talk to.

Flowers to anyone else who went through a lot of unnecessary shit.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 19/02/2018 08:39

Most of it, I was a mini adult not a child and will ever get those years back.

However, in contrast, I hope my own children have very few things they would change as I've worked hard to ensure they have had a good childhood with everything they want and need and that they are just children with no responsibility or pressures bar school work.

Giggorata · 19/02/2018 09:01

I wish that they had been less fervent about religion. Messy's post about that and being guilt tripped into (mainly church related) activities resonates with me.
I wish they'd understood more about adolescents and their need to rebel, so that it wouldn't have been the end of the world when I did.

I still feel lucky and loved, though, and miss them now they're not here.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 19/02/2018 09:14

Nyetimber

Confidence comes from within yourself if only it were that simple. Are you not aware of the importance of development and how that can shape a person

I would wish that my mother had given me over to my grandparents before it was a forced issue and they have to fight for me

I wouldn’t have had to suffer the horrendous physical and emotional abuse that has impacted me and partly created the person I am today

That’s not being a victim it’s my life

TheWildOnes · 19/02/2018 09:21

I'd wish my Mum wasn't an alcoholic and drug abuser constantly in violent relationships. I'd wish my dad wouldnt have met my stepmum and taken on my step sisters when I was 9, he was an amazing dad to me up until then, I spent every weekend with him, since that day I don't think I ever spent another minute alone with him. I love them all but feel like i missed out on a lot.
Or id just wish that I could have spent my whole childhood with my Gran instead of just my teens, she provided the only place I ever felt safe and felt like home.

Branleuse · 19/02/2018 09:22

I wish my mum had been a bit more laid back about me staying out late when I was 15/16 and less laid back when I decided to leave home at 16.

I think if id have been allowed to stay out with my friends a bit longer without having someone come and knock on the door and get me (embarrassing) then I wouldnt have just assumed it was time to leave home so i could stay out when I finally got a boyfriend.

I wish she had persuaded me to not leave home, but she didnt really know what to do I think and didnt want to damge our relationship, so she just let me, which meant I ended up leaving college and dossing about.

I also wish id been able to open up to her about being bullied. We are very close and she was always loving to me, but she worked so much, and I was just out playing all the time, I dont think i even realised i "could" talk to her about it

StickStickStickStick · 19/02/2018 09:25

It's only as I'm older I've realised just how much "damage " it's done to me. I feel broken. I used to believe post leaving home it would all be wonderful and I could just live life. It hasn't been :(

TossDaily · 19/02/2018 09:43

Mum wouldn't have hit me and shouted at me.

Mum and Dad wouldn't have gone out every Saturday night, sometimes Sundays, every Christmas Eve and NYE, leaving me on my own or with babysitters. My mum worked every evening from 6-10, so growing up I never saw her.

I wouldn't have been dumped on my older sister to look after. We're close now, but she resented having to look after me and was horrible to me.

I would have been helped through the emotional wrench of my other sister getting married and moving away when I was 5. She was like a mum to me and then she was gone.

Someone would have helped me with my chronic threadworm infestation. I had them for years, it was awful.

I wouldn't have been emotionally abused, called names, compared unfavourably to my friends (x is a queen compared to you!) and bullied by my mum.

My mum wouldn't have projected her health anxiety onto me, leaving me with lifelong issues and on meds.

Basically, if I'd been loved and nurtured I think I might be a very different person now.

FeedtheTree · 19/02/2018 14:47

@Nyetimber I agree. If I focus on the neglect and emotional abuse in my childhood I can get desperate and angry pretty quickly. If I focus on the good stuff (and there was plenty of good stuff) then I feel warm and happy. Focusing on the failings of your parents well into adulthood doesn't make for well-being.

Bramble71 · 19/02/2018 14:51

I never really knew if my parents loved me or not, so I wish that they'd been more demonstrative. Thinking that your parents hate you does nothing for your self esteem.

mummyflood · 19/02/2018 15:09

If I could, I would change the fact that mum had me reasonably late in life, had only me, and stayed with my father despite him putting her through absolute shit with his narcissism, selfishness, and (so she says) own toxic childhood. I was over-protected, emotionally abused, and have spent my whole life wishing I had at least one sibling or even family member, eg cousin to share things with, both good and bad. Never more so than now the health problems have set in with the parents, and my Mother either by circumstance or design lives in her own bubble of obstinacy which at times creates far more problems than anything physical.

There are a lot of resonant stories on this thread, and my heart goes out to you all. Flowers My biggest wish with all my heart is that I have been a better parent to my two. With my DH's support I think I have.

DullAndOld · 19/02/2018 15:14

I wish that my brother hadn't regularly punched me in the face and mocked anything/everything I said.

I wish my dad hadn't left when I was 12 to start a new family. I wish I might have had some counselling around that, instead of being told that I was now 'from a broken home' and 'in custody' and 'under care and control'...Hmm

I wish my parents had sent neither or both of us to private school, not just me.

I wish my parents had just stayed in London instead of moving to a dire suburb.

Strokethefurrywall · 19/02/2018 15:19

There is nothing I would have changed. My childhood was idyllic and that's not just me looking at life through rose tinted glasses, my siblings agree with me.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/02/2018 15:20

I wish I hadn’t been such a serious child. I’m more happy go lucky at 29 than I was at 5. And people still think I come across as very serious/reserved until they get to know me.

busyknee · 19/02/2018 15:26

I wish my mum had spent more time with me our own instead of always with my step dad as well. And I wish she'd have respected my privacy and not told him everything I told her.

We have a good relationship now, but we'd be closer I think if I could have talked to her about things more. I felt very lonely at times as a teenager.

OutyMcOutface · 19/02/2018 15:27

That my mother had died the first time she got cancer. It would have been nice if she died while I still had good feelings towards her.

ErinSophia · 19/02/2018 15:30

I would change the fact that my poor excuse of a mother physically and verbally abused me and my siblings and the fact that she isolated us from our family so we've never had any kind of relationship with them, I've never even met half of my cousins!

Iprefercoffeetotea · 19/02/2018 15:36

I wish I had had more friends and fitted in better at school.

I went to an all girls' secondary, I wonder if I'd have been happier in a mixed environment. Difficult to know. I was happy at sixth form which was mixed but that might also have been down to pupils maturing and being kinder.