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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've thrown the mothers day card away ...

38 replies

Peachsnowpop · 18/02/2018 20:20

Brought it for H to give to his mum (his mum will be away for mothers day), if I didn't buy one she wouldn't get one. I brought it off my own back (ie I was out and thought I'd get one for him to give to her seeing as she will be away on the actual day). Tonight i passed him the card and said 'here this for your mum', to which he replied 'dont give that to me now or leave it there'.

I've now binned the card, how ungrateful.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/02/2018 20:28

Good, don't buy another one, let him sort it out

Original poster
Peachsnowpop · 18/02/2018 20:32

I certainly won't. She goes away next week so it's not like I've brought it really early and it'll get forgotten on the side/mislaid from hanging around for several weeks. Im fuming at his ungreatefulness (yet again)

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/02/2018 20:33

Do you often end up doing things like this for him and he doesn't acknowledge it?

Snowysky20009 · 18/02/2018 20:40

Maybe he thought 3 weeks away was a long time? I haven't been thought about it yetConfused

Original poster
Peachsnowpop · 18/02/2018 20:40

This is just the tip of the iceberg! In terms of his family birthdays/Xmas etc I do the lot - thinking, buying, wrapping. I never ever have or have ever had a thank you from him or even some flowers. I run the house/car/finances inc all the washing (not his) and cleaning (car and house) and food shopping ... and I have 3 jobs. Im sick of his ungreatefulness

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachsnowpop · 18/02/2018 20:41

Snowysky20009 - his mum goes away next week so the card needed sorting earlier than most

OP posts:
Gide · 18/02/2018 20:42

So stop doing all the wife work. I refused to deal with my dh’s family birthdays, they’re not my family, they’re his. I would do nothing for him from now on.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2018 20:49

Yep
Stop buying his family presents
Stop doing everything for him.

Unfortunately you've probably conditioned him to expect you to do everything for him and he never has to thank you so why should he this time? Stop being a doormat and stop being his unpaid servant and you might get somewhere.

Scabetty · 18/02/2018 20:50

Yep, don’t bother anymore. I used to remind dh to fly up to see his mum and give her a ring at the weekend. He’d tell me I was a nag. Leave him to it now and he regularly gets a call from a sibling saying he’s forgotten something lol.

coconuttella · 18/02/2018 20:52

How has it come about that you basically do everything despite working more than full-time?

It’s clearly his fault and he is to blame for being selfish and lazy, but you appear to have enables this by not demanding he step up, or even saying thank you, earlier! It’s not too late though, and I’m glad you binned th card... just make sure it doesn’t stop there! YANBU.

AlpacaLypse · 18/02/2018 20:54

It's got a name, wife work. It's very irritating because most of us get quietly sucked into it without noticing. Until suddenly we really that all the holiday planning and remembering birthdays and which day the recycling and which day the ordinary rubbish goes out and when are the children's td days has mysteriously become mum's job, not our ie both parents job.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2018 20:54

I'd sit him down (not when you're angry) and tell him things need to change and he needs to start doing a lot more.

Then between you, try to work out some sort of rota or agreement.

If he refuses, then you need to think long and hard about whether you want to stay with him for the rest of your life.

I know I wouldn't.

AlpacaLypse · 18/02/2018 20:57

really should have been realise. Auto correct doesn't' work on correctly spelled words that are grammatically wrong. Except when I try to type 'in' and it corrects to 'I'm' even though 'in' was what I wanted. And makes more sense in the context. Why, just why?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 18/02/2018 20:59

YADNBU. The question now perhaps is when & how you tell him what you have done. Personally I’d just tell him that I don’t like the way he speaks to me, it’s not how you treat anyone who has done you a favour, let alone someone you are supposed to love, and so no more favours.

buddhababy123 · 18/02/2018 21:00

Did he tell you to make sure it was organised?
If not, then why on earth would you expect his gratitude? It sounds like passive aggressive behaviour on your part, not being a doormat.
And if you want to send a happy mother in law day card from yourself then go ahead and send it without making him sign it.
He is not your pet or your child, it sounds as if you don't think of him as an adult capable of independence.

DPotter · 18/02/2018 21:02

DP and I hadn’t been living together for long, when his DM challenged me, that she hadn’t received a birthday card from DP, her son. I had bought him a card, but he hadn’t signed and sent it. Told her this and said I would send her a card from me in future but she really needed to talk to him about it. He didn’t send her many - my view is that reflects on how she brought him up, not me.
It’s wife work - don’t get drawn into it. Up to your DH to maintain relationships with his family, not you.

TriniRedVelvet · 18/02/2018 21:02

I would just stop. Don't even talk to him about it. (it will be like banging your head against a brick wall)Just stop.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2018 21:04

@DPotter, that just shows how ingrained wifework is in her generation- that she assumed you shld be responsible for her son sending her a card

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2018 21:05

buddhababy123

Passive-aggressive is one of the most overused phrases on here.

She's clearly always done it so he expects it. It still wouldn't hurt for him to say thank you.
Some families work that way. Which is absolutely fine as long as the other person pulls their weight in other ways.

IAmMumWho · 18/02/2018 21:06

@Peachsnowpop he knows his goes away next week right? If not maybe that's why he told you not now x

Lemonyknickers · 18/02/2018 21:12

Yet another saying to stop doing it. I refused after the first year of marriage. He regularly misses stuff but when I was asked by his family I said I sort mine, he sorts his.

buddhababy123 · 18/02/2018 21:12

Nanny0gg It really doesn't sound like it is working in this particular family, given all the other things that are being complained about.
I would be furious to be treated this way, someone thinking they can make decisions and buy things on my behalf, and then being annoyed that I don't respond with gratitude. As an adult I 'd rather be allowed to interact with my own family as I choose, and not according to the dictations of a controlling spouse.

seven201 · 18/02/2018 21:19

I refuse to be involved in any of this shit for my dh's side of the family. I also refuse to make plans with them on behalf of us/me, dh and dc. I nipped that I'm the bud when mil started telling me about dh's distant relatives birthdays etc. I laughed and said "I hate doing all that stuff for my own family so I'm certainly not doing it for dh's".

Holdingonbarely · 18/02/2018 21:20

WHY why does this shit come up so often

it's nice to remind someone to get something "oh love did you get you mom a card"
but buying it. seriously.

glad you put it in the bin, but until you stop doing this shit it won't stop.

if someone did all my life admin for me, I would just presume they'll always do it, so yanb for putting it in the bin but yabu for enabling this shit