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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my adult DSD can look after our DN's?

34 replies

upsideup · 18/02/2018 17:25

You may of seen my thread from a few days ago where I explained we our looking after SiL's and BiL's 5 DC for a week in the easter holidays, we got a lot good advice on what we should do about expenses and have decided just to leave mentioning money to avoid causing a problem.
However we now have a new issue, we mentioned that as we have DSD22 and her BF staying next door and 9 children is a lot between two adults and the age range is so big (3-15) we were planning to split up so me and DH take the younger ones somewhere and DSD and her bf take the older ones somewhere or the other way around. Response was that neither feel think they are comfortable with my DSD or her bf looking after their children alone! DH has said just to agree and not mention it again, then when they come just let dsd and bf help and pretend we didnt remember them saying they werent okay with it.
DSD is my step daughter from a previous relationship so is not DH's DD. I have known her since she was 4 and DH since she was 12 and she has been around and looked after all our DC since they were babies, her bf is our next door neigbours DS, we have known him and his family for 4 years and again has been around and looked after our DC many times.

We are definately beggining to regret saying yes but flights are already booked and me, Dh and our DC are looking forward to seeing our dn's/cousins, also cancelling will likely cause a huge family arguement which we just dont want to risk.

Aibu to think they are being ridiculous and just trying to make it difficult for us? Or would you not feel comfortable with the arrangement we suggested if it was your DC?
Should we make a fuss and try and reason with them, just let dsd and bf look after them any way or accept there wishes and try and manage on our own?

OP posts:

monkeywithacowface · 18/02/2018 17:29

I would send a message saying that you aren't going to be able to practically look after 9 children without your dsd's help so it's their choice send them or don't.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 18/02/2018 17:30

I don't think you can go against their wishes. Have the parents or the children met your DSD before?

Qvar · 18/02/2018 17:32

Just put your bloody foot down. They are massively taking the piss. They aren't paying you say they don't geet a say. Tell them to fuck off.

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 17:34

I think there are two issues here. They are getting free childcare all holidays including overnight care. If you say you want assisting in this by someone who is basically your adult daughter than that is perfectly reasonable.

However, once the parents have said no, I think it would be completely unreasonable to then secretly leave their children with someone they have said they don't agree to them being left with. If someone did that with my children I'd be livid.

I think you need to be straight with them - or rather your DH does. Tell the parents that having this many children is a lot of work, and that logistically there is no way you can safely manage it on your own. That you had always planned to have help from your daughter, and that you had thought they would understand your position and be happy with that - especially as it is an adult family member you are asking to help out, not a teenager or a stranger. I'd say to them that you are looking forward to seeing the children and you have lots of fun things planned but that they (the parents) need to know that the children will at times be cared for by your step-daughter. If they are not happy with that then they are welcome to not send them and to make other arrangements.

NancyJoan · 18/02/2018 17:34

You cannot look after them without help. They can cough up for holiday camps for a week, or a temp au pair, or not send them.

ToffeeUp · 18/02/2018 17:37

Surely the teenagers can just hang out with DSD and boyfriend.

But yes put your foot down, if they are not happy they can find different child care.

Member341379 · 18/02/2018 17:37

If you ask someone for a (massive) favoir like looking after your kids for such a long time then it is not reasonable to make it even harder for them. You are looking after 9 kids ffs. Tell them you DSD will help of they can forget the arrangement. Cheeky people.

SomeKnobend · 18/02/2018 17:45

You say here you regret saying yes, but in your other thread you said it was your idea to invite the kids to stay for the holidays. You asked them, but now you're making out like they're being cheeky.

I wouldn't be comfortable sending my kids to a foreign country for a week where they were going to be looked after unsupervised by some teenage stranger I'd never met and her boyfriend. The fact you're thinking of doing this anyway despite the parents saying no is fucking outrageous.

By all means have another adult there with you to help, but you can't send them off for the day or let them stay next door with other people when you are supposed to be looking after them.

If you've changed your mind just say so. The fall out for going back on your offer and cancelling will be nowhere near as massive as it will if something happens to one of the kids when you've given then to someone else to look after specifically against the parents' very clear instructions.

Snowydaysarehere · 18/02/2018 17:48

Ffs at 22 I had 2 x dc!! I would cancel the whole bloody situation if they are putting stipulations on your generous offer of free childcare!!

Notevilstepmother · 18/02/2018 17:54

22 is an adult not a teenager. It’s fine.

JCo24 · 18/02/2018 17:56

Knobend, I didn’t realise twenty two was a teenager.

LIZS · 18/02/2018 18:00

You are doing them a huge favour, they can't expect to dictate terms and conditions!

Original poster

upsideup · 18/02/2018 18:02

The older four DN's have all met DSD lots of times, youngest one hasnt.
She is not a teenager, shes 22.
We want to avoid making it seem like we are the ones being difficult and we know if we dont accomodate what they want or try suggesting they dont come, especially as we have agreed it will cause WW3 and we dont want to ruin the relationship between our DC and their cousins. As as DH's family all live abroad its very easy for SiL and BiL to make it seem like he is the one being unfair and unreasonable to his parents (has happened many times before)

OP posts:

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 18:02

some teenage stranger

She's an adult family member.

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 18:04

Upsideup in that case I would just tell them that it's happening and leave what to do about it if they don't like it up to them to work out. Please don't lie to them though. You're bound to be caught out - the children will talk, take photos, etc - and that is going to cause an even bigger (and more reasonable) fallout.

PEARSON93 · 18/02/2018 18:05

I think you've BU in this whole thing.

Firstly you offer to look after these children without thinking about the expense, now you're trying to dump them on DSD.

I think if you can't cope you shouldn't offer again.

EllieMe · 18/02/2018 18:08

Tell them what's happening. If they don't like it they can cancel their holiday. You're the one doing them a favour.

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 18:09

If you really wanted to accommodate the parents' wishes (who I do think are being unreasonable) then you could always split it differently - so you and DSD taken out half the children, and your DH and DSD's bf take out the other half. If of course DSD and her bf are OK with that.

PotteringAlong · 18/02/2018 18:11

You offered to look after them. The parents said yes. You’ve now decided it’s too much and are trying to palm them off on someone else. Their parents have said no to that. You need to suck it up. If someone had agreed to look after my dc and then got someone else to do it after I’d already said no to that person doing it I’d be really annoyed.

Bazzle · 18/02/2018 18:12

I think YAB a bit U - it's weird that you agree to look after their kids and then say that actually they will be looked after someone of no relation.

Unless they know your step daughter really well then I think most people would have an issue here.

I totally understand that 9 people is a ridiculous amount of children to look after though - I just don't understand why either party ever thought this was a good idea in the first place

honeyroar · 18/02/2018 18:13

Did they say why not? Could you say that your Dsd is really looking forward to taking the older three to do X for the day? If not, could they babysit at home a couple of days while you take the older/younger groups out?

Personally I think that you're a saint looking after so many at once. We ought to be doing a mumsnet whip-round for games and dvds for you!

5plusMeAndHim · 18/02/2018 18:13

why don't you all gp to the same places so that the DSD can help out but you all be together

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 18/02/2018 18:14

What Monkey said. If they want to dictate completely how their kids are taken care of they can find a professional nanny to take care of them and pay her for it.

The cheek of some people. I doubt very much they didn’t know about the other children and how much effort and money takes to care for them before they decided to dump their 4 (four!!!) on you.

I woukdn’t even dared to ask someone to take care of four children unless it was an emergency or just a few hours.

Original poster

upsideup · 18/02/2018 18:25

trying to palm them off on someone else.

DSD has said from the start that she will be staying with Bf and they both would love to help look after her cousins we didnt imagine why this would be a problem they are both adults capable of looking after children who are 3, 10,11, 13 and 15 so not five newborns.
We are not sending them over to stay with her for the week, it would just be safest and more fun for all the DC for there to be four adults rather than 2. Instead of making the older 6 sit and wait for the little 3 to do softplay for example it, we could split up and do older kid/little kid activities. Also if we go somewhere busy surely it would be much safer to have 2/3 children per adult than 4/5 children per adult?

OP posts:

Snowydaysarehere · 18/02/2018 18:30

Op, I have 11 dc, 9 will be a breeze, drop them off with some spends for the day trips we will be doing, will bill their dps for food and you get yourself a spa week!

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