To not make DD share?

[Hotchocolateyum]

I visited an attraction yesterday with two other mums and their children. So 6 children in total between ages 2-7.At the end, we visited the gift shop before spending half an hour in the play park by the exit. The other children chose various toys, pencils, usual gift shop tat. I've always been very strict with DD and gift shops, as she finds them a bit overwhelming and we don't have the money to buy from them every time we are out. However I gave her a few pounds and eventually she chose some sweets.

So we all started walking towards the park, and the children were all clutching the things they'd bought and showing each other, and one of the little girls asked DD for a sweet. DD hasn't opened them, she was just holding them, and she told the little girl this nicely. The little girl went up to her mum and said "DD won't share her sweets with me". Her mum turned to DD and said quite loudly "Of course she will, I'm sure DD doesn't mind sharing them around, do you DD?"

At this point I could see tears welling in DD's eyes and she looked really uncomfortable, so I said "oh, sorry but I think she's saving them for later". DD nodded, so I asked would she like to keep them in my bag, and she did. The mum looked really miffed, and the little girl became quite cross and did the whole "it's not faaaair, she has sweeeeeeties".

I did wonder if I should make DD share, but she was the only child who had bought sweets, and if she shared with one child she'd have to share with the rest, leaving DD with almost nothing, while the other children had their items intact. This didn't seem fair to me, a lot of the children had been bought quite big items too, soft toys etc.

During the rest of the time at the park, this little girl kept glaring at DD, going over and muttering to her mum, and at one point came over to hover near me, staring pointedly at my bag.

On the way home in the car, DD was a bit quiet. I asked her if she was OK, and she said X had come up to her in the park and said she was mean for not sharing. I told her she wasn't mean, because all the other children had chosen to buy toys instead of sweets and nobody was asking them to share their bouncy balls, pencils etc. We had a chat about how sometimes we should share but sometimes it's OK not to, as long as we are polite about it.

I am on a WhatsApp group with the other mums, and that evening there were the usual "what a lovely day" comments, however the mum of the child who had asked for the sweets then made a comment along the lines of "hope chocolate's DD enjoyed her sweets, X was upset all the way home that she wouldn't share, I had to stop at the garage and buy her some, lol!" lots of smiley faces, but I felt it was passive aggressive. I just messaged back saying "well, DD only got that little packet of sweets and I'd rather she didn't eat them so close to teatime" and left it at that. I can see the other mum has read the message but hasn't replied since.

So was I right to not make DD share? She's an only child but certainly not spoilt, and we've never had any problems with her sharing toys etc. She's quite quiet and more likely to give something up to a more demanding child. I feel I was right to stick up for her, I'm all for sharing but not when it means handing over the one thing you have to others who already have plenty. Am prepared to be told I am BU though.

You could have explained to all of them that they bought toys instead of sweets, that they could have chosen sweets too but got toys and dd didn't have a toy.

Depending on age, most children will understand that. "If you wanted sweets why did you choose a toy?" sort of stuff.

The mums will understand that too. Stop trying to justify not sharing, it suggests that you buy into the idea that it might have been fair. Just tell everyone why it wasn't fair to share.

It was fine not to make your dd share. I doubt the other child would have shared her things with dd and given her a pencil/ball/toy to keep.

My dc's generally share with each other without being told, though the youngest isn't quite so good at sharing what he has.

However, when we last went somewhere with a gift shop they picked their own things and only ds1 bought some sweets while the others had pencils and similar. Naturally when they saw the sweets they all asked ds for some but he didn't want to share and I didn't make him, I told them that they could have bought sweets but chose other things that couldn't be shared so it wouldn't be fair if ds shared his sweets and ended up with hardly any while they kept their pencils/notebooks etc.

It's important to teach children to share but also to teach them that it's okay not to share everything all the time.

You were right!

Here's an answer that would have brought her up short:

'I know, it's always awkward when they ask for edibles as their special 'gift shop thing', isn't it? Felt I had to put them away as it wouldn't have been at all fair when DD turned round and asked to keep one of pencils or take X's teddy home for the night in return once the 'sharing' bug was kicked off! Tch, gift shops, eh?'

Blue and if you demand things that the other kids have, and then spend ages whinging and telling tales when you don't get your own way, the other kids will also think you're mean and selfish and spoilt. And they'd be right.

If you walked into your office with a tray of cakes you'd most likely have been planning to share them anyway.

If you walked in with one small cake that you planned to have yourself after your lunch because it was your only treat and you couldn't afford cake that often, and your colleague demanded a bite of it before you'd had any yourself or even opened the box, you might feel differently.

No you were totally right, they chose their items, this is dds, if they wanted sweets they should have chosen them. Good on you, they are greedy, and the mums needs to start saying no or they could grow up into spoilt entitled adults.

You did the right thing.

And I do get that your child had something consumerable op though whether giving up a sweet is more of an imposition to a child than giving up 5 minutes with their toy is debateable and depends on the child. I think it’s more important that children learn to get along than they they all end up with exactly the same money spent on them or whatever. Kids don’t care about that.

I would not be going out with that mum again, what an entitled madame she sounds. I would have messaged her, did your dd share her toys with the rest of the group. God I hate people like that.

Instead of pandering to her, the mum should not have stopped off at the petrol station, but told her dd "they are Minihotchoc sweets that she got from the gift shop, you chose the ball, pen, hat, and she just chose that packet of sweets, which she is going to eat at home. Next time choose sweets if you want, you had your gifts" and leave it there.

You were right and handled the situation perfectly. The other mum was a CF with a spoilt bratty child who probably gets everything she whinges for.

The other girl's mother is an idiot. I wouldn't want to go out with her again!

I absolutely agree that the other child’s behaviour will not be helping her to make friends either.
To change the comparison if I went into my office with a small bar of Dairy Milk that I was planning to eat myself I’d still give someone a piece if they asked. If a couple more people were there and I’d only have half the bar left if I gave them a piece too I would still share. It depends on personality I guess doesn’t it? I’d also break off a bit of my individual cake for someone if they wanted some (would be reluctant to have them bite it tbh). I tend to find people are happy to share things with me too.
I doubt I was as keen to share at age 5 though.

I think kids do care about it, that's why DD was feeling upset - she is rarely allowed to buy things at gift shops and was being put in a position where she was going to lose most of it before she'd even had a chance to open the bag. But you're right that it's important for children to learn to get along, which can also apply to the other little girl too - learning to get along means accepting you don't always get your own way.

Hygge's point is what I think too. I don't agree with yours Blue because a child's perspective isn't necessarily different from an adults, albeit whilst they possibly wouldn't make the same assessment of what constitutes 'fair', they have an innate sense generally of fairness and can be explained to in a way that children understand.

It's not difficult to understand that sweet are gone, they don't come back, whereas toys are for playing and you get to keep them.

OP definitely did the right thing and more than for other parents to see it - her daughter saw it and that is the most important.

Other girl and her mum were grabby as fuck. You dealt with it well.

I opened the thread with caution, thought you were going to be one of those weird ones that doesn't do sharing ever. But as you have rightly pointed out, there is a time and a place for sharing. This wasn't it.

It would be fun to just post this thread link in your WhatsApp group, hehe.

You was right.

As you say, in your later post which I do agree with Blue, you'd share to nothingness as an adult... presumably because you can replace whatever item or rationalise to yourself that you don't mind no longer having it.

You'd not be able to do that aged 5! :)

Other mother does sound like a complete pain. You pulled out a family pack of fruit pastilles and your DD was munching through them? Absolutely it's good manners to offer one to the people you're with. But this situation was different.

Think of the adult equivalent. If I'm shopping with you and we go into Hotel Chocolat and I buy a box, would you expect me to open them there and then and offer one to you? You wouldn't. If I pull out a bag of Maltesers, then you would think me a bit rude if I didn't offer the packet.

I'd be firmer with the PA comments. And respond in kind. "Oh, I didn't notice your DD sharing her x, y and z...." etc.

The more I think about this the angrier I get! Other girl is just a bully, enabled by her ma.

Bluemirror - do you have a savings account?
Can I share your savings please? I'll be your best friend and we'll have so much fun. Otherwise I'll glare at you and refuse to be friends.

YANBU, especially as she hadn’t even opened them! If she had been munching away in front of everyone, I could possibly understand the other Mum a bit more, though still would have thought YANBU.

That’s what I was saying. Fair to a child an adult will be 2 different things. The other child had already had a gift which was potentially worth more than the sweets. Yet still felt slighted. I know that my kids would probably trade any sweets they had —and their right arm— for a go on someone’s hover board for eg and would certainly think they got the better of the deal.
The other mum was over involved. Someone didn’t share with her child. It happens. She could have helped her child get over it by problem solving - going back to the shop to ask if they could swap the toy for sweets for eg. We all want our kids to be kind and share and to be resilient when that doesn’t happen don’t we?

In this case, sharing would not have been good for your dd, it would have left her at a disadvantage to the others, whilst they still had their toys, whereas her sweets would have been gone. I think when it is the children's things, its fine to teach them that they don't have to share if they don't want. I would not let everyone on my i pad, or phone, or for somebody to drive my car. If its communal items such as in a school or nursery, than sharing is important, having a go, then letting another child have a go.

Sharing isn't as simple ad give other people what you have just because you have it and they want it.

When I was 9 I was in hospital for surgery. Several friends of DM brought in chocolates and sweets for me. I was nil by mouth and over the next few days my siblings came to visit me and each time I was told to share my treats.

By the time I was allowed to eat they had scoffed the lot.
That was 30 years ago.

Not to put too fine a point on it OP, you saved your daughter from 3 decades of resentment and possibly an unhealthy obsession with Fruit Pastilles...

I like the reply by HopscotchShots. The other Mum is rude and is encouraging her child to be rude.