To not make DD share?

[Hotchocolateyum]

I visited an attraction yesterday with two other mums and their children. So 6 children in total between ages 2-7.At the end, we visited the gift shop before spending half an hour in the play park by the exit. The other children chose various toys, pencils, usual gift shop tat. I've always been very strict with DD and gift shops, as she finds them a bit overwhelming and we don't have the money to buy from them every time we are out. However I gave her a few pounds and eventually she chose some sweets.

So we all started walking towards the park, and the children were all clutching the things they'd bought and showing each other, and one of the little girls asked DD for a sweet. DD hasn't opened them, she was just holding them, and she told the little girl this nicely. The little girl went up to her mum and said "DD won't share her sweets with me". Her mum turned to DD and said quite loudly "Of course she will, I'm sure DD doesn't mind sharing them around, do you DD?"

At this point I could see tears welling in DD's eyes and she looked really uncomfortable, so I said "oh, sorry but I think she's saving them for later". DD nodded, so I asked would she like to keep them in my bag, and she did. The mum looked really miffed, and the little girl became quite cross and did the whole "it's not faaaair, she has sweeeeeeties".

I did wonder if I should make DD share, but she was the only child who had bought sweets, and if she shared with one child she'd have to share with the rest, leaving DD with almost nothing, while the other children had their items intact. This didn't seem fair to me, a lot of the children had been bought quite big items too, soft toys etc.

During the rest of the time at the park, this little girl kept glaring at DD, going over and muttering to her mum, and at one point came over to hover near me, staring pointedly at my bag.

On the way home in the car, DD was a bit quiet. I asked her if she was OK, and she said X had come up to her in the park and said she was mean for not sharing. I told her she wasn't mean, because all the other children had chosen to buy toys instead of sweets and nobody was asking them to share their bouncy balls, pencils etc. We had a chat about how sometimes we should share but sometimes it's OK not to, as long as we are polite about it.

I am on a WhatsApp group with the other mums, and that evening there were the usual "what a lovely day" comments, however the mum of the child who had asked for the sweets then made a comment along the lines of "hope chocolate's DD enjoyed her sweets, X was upset all the way home that she wouldn't share, I had to stop at the garage and buy her some, lol!" lots of smiley faces, but I felt it was passive aggressive. I just messaged back saying "well, DD only got that little packet of sweets and I'd rather she didn't eat them so close to teatime" and left it at that. I can see the other mum has read the message but hasn't replied since.

So was I right to not make DD share? She's an only child but certainly not spoilt, and we've never had any problems with her sharing toys etc. She's quite quiet and more likely to give something up to a more demanding child. I feel I was right to stick up for her, I'm all for sharing but not when it means handing over the one thing you have to others who already have plenty. Am prepared to be told I am BU though.

In fact my own dc literally did this the other day, older dd chose a soft toy and younger chose cheaper soft toy and sweets.. Older was after sweets and I had to point out that was younger choice and older didn't make that choice!!

You were right and the other mum and her kid are both rude

I remember when young doing "one-for-one" so sharing but everyone sharing.
It's a good model!
Might help with the bag of Oreos mentioned in a PP.
I think you handled this really well. Well done.

The girls are both 5.

There wasn't much sharing going on of the other toys, the children were obviously holding on to their things as we left the gift shop, but only for a few minutes as then once they saw the park, most of them gave their mums the items to hold so they could play.

I don't know if any of the other parents deliberately said "no sweets", it wouldn't have stopped me letting DD buy them. She's had to walk through many a gift shop with nothing, while other children come out with piles of tat, so it wouldn't occur to me to say no to something just because another parent hadn't allowed it, on one of the rare occasions I have actually let her get something,if that makes sense.

Well done , you did absolutely the right thing.
The other mum and her child are taking , not sharing !

Wow what a cheeky mother. I would never ask another child to open their sweets to give me child one. I would explain to my child that maybe they don't want to open one yet.

And to bring it up afterwards is just weird. It's her daughter, she is responsible for her daughter's needs and wants, not you.

where other parents think their little darling needs to have whatever they want regardless of whether it's actually reasonable

This with bells on!

Even th poor dear being so upset they had to stop to buy sweets

Child and mother are entitled

It's odd that she's still stewing. Is it possible that she doesn't like you?

You were completely right. I can imagine my ds staring at your bag like that little girl but I would have very clearly told him to move on. V PA mother and look, her dd got just what she wanted! You should have replied 'She sure did! Glad I didn't have to stop on way home lol.'

I would definitely have said to the other little girl don’t be silly dear, you chose a ball and dd chose sweets, if you’ve chnaged your mind you need to tell your mum now in case you can swap. But you might not be able to you know.

I think the other mother is probably miffed with me because it seems her DD has gone on and on about the sweets the whole way home, and she's blaming me for her subsequent headache and she's dressing it up as "tsssk, hotchocolate didn't make DD share sweets" which I suppose could sound selfish of DD if you don't take into account the full story.

Her DD does go ON about food, I've seen it in action, on another occasion she knew her mum had put a crispy cake in her little lunch pack, and despite being at the zoo, all she talked about and went on about was that crispy cake, until her mum just pulled it out and gave her it.

I think there’s a lot of adult logic being applied to this here. A child isn’t necessarily going to understand that because they already got something they have no right to ask for a sweet or even if they do they will probably chance asking anyway. It was a little mean not to share imo if the child still would have had half left after giving everyone one. But that’s ok because as a child sharing isn’t always easy as the long term gain for the short term loss isn’t always clear - making friendships, making it more likely that others will share with you etc. Equally it would have been a little mean if the ops dd hadn’t asked to have a go of one of the other children’s balls and they said no.
No child has to share all the time or even at all but those who are sharers find it a lot easier to make friends ime.
I do agree it shouldn’t be forced though as that just leads to resentment on the part of the ‘sharer’ and the other child knows they didn’t really want to. I’ve always just modelled sharing myself and pointed out when my kids have made their friends happy by sharing with them. Studies have shown that young children having their brain activity monitored were actually happier when they shared with a friend than when something was shared with them so encouraging sharing is a good thing imo for boys and girls.

You were right. Good on you and your dd.
The other mum sounds pathetic no surprised her daughter behaves in such a way.

Just ignore her. Your rule of no sweets before dinner trumps sharing. Sharing isn’t a way to encourage demanding. She is going to have a little madam on her hands if she can’t drive home without giving in and getting sweets from the garage.

I hate it when kids start quoting rules at adults or other kids to manipulate the situation to get what they want. Telling your dd she is mean isn’t nice. Demanding someone share is rude.

You were 100% right. 😀

Omg bluemirror are you for real?? OP ignore bluemirror, you and you DD did nothing wrong.

Not unreasonable at all.

The other mother was unreasonable.

People like this seem to think "share" means "I want what you have so you must give it to me now."

Funny that it never seems to work like that when they have something though.

The children all had the chance to choose something in the shop. They could have all chosen sweets, but they didn't.

Only one child was spoilt enough to make a fuss and only one mother was rude enough to continue it.

It's not like it was a bag of sweets from a normal shop. This was your DD's treat from a gift shop on a day out, no different to the pencils, bouncy balls or soft toys the other children got, and she hadn't even opened the sweets herself before some other child was demanding to be given some.

I'd have been embarrassed if DS had done that, and I would have been telling him it is rude to ask someone to share something they haven't even opened, and reminding him that he could have chosen sweets himself if he'd really wanted some but that he'd picked something else.

The girl sounds a bit awful really, complaining to her mum, whining about it's not fair, going after your DD in the park to call her mean, complaining all the way home. If there's ever a child who needs to hear the word no more often it sounds like this one. Probably won't happen with the way the mother sounds though. The apple certainly hasn't fallen far from that tree.

Your DD was really good OP, she was able to stand up for herself while another child was being rude and unpleasant. She didn't give in to pressure from that child or from an adult who should know better. And you did well too, you were being put under pressure from the mum and you stood up for your child. She sounds like a lovely girl by the way, so well done to you.

I'd have replied "yes, dd was a little upset too that your dd didn't offer to share her toy (or pencil or whatever) - rearing kids eh!"

A child isn’t necessarily going to understand that because they already got something they have no right to ask for a sweet or even if they do they will probably chance asking anyway. It was a little mean not to share imo if the child still would have had half left after giving everyone one.

No a child of 5 isn't going to understand the logic immediately - which is why their parent should explain it to them not reinforce their childish logic "oh these sweets aren't for sharing, those are Mary's present from the day out - just like you got a ball" clearly this poor kid has a mother who will reinforce her no matter what - not good.

I do see your point BlueMirror, and DD has never had a problem sharing and will usually do so, but on this occasion if she had shared her sweets she would have been left with maybe 5 or 6 sweets for herself, if even, whereas even if she'd had a bounce of another child's ball, that child would still be taking home their entire ball.

As it was, DD didn't have a go of anyone else's toy, they were all proudly clutching their own for a few minutes before putting them away and that was it. Nobody else was asked to share their things

I think there’s a lot of adult logic being applied to this here
That's because the adult was upset about her DD not getting the sweets and had to pacify her on the way home

Most adults would've said to the kid 'she doesn't want to share, you had a chance to buy sweets - stop staring and go play'

I remember being in a very similar situation when I was small and a more dominant girl demanded that I open my little sweetie bag and share it. Whinged to her mum about it too etc even though she had bought her own stuff. My mum made me share. Between girl and her brother, my sister and our cousin there was nothing left.
I resented my mum for not standing up for me, and the unfairness- so sharp when you're six!- and I think all it 'taught' was that the other girl was at liberty to trample over me and no one would help. Incidentally, that persisted into our teens.

Bet other kid wasn't going to 'share' whatever it was she had.

Let's apply more adult logic - MiniChoc shares her sweets and has half left. Stroppy kid shares her toy half the week? Cuts it in half so she can share with MiniChoc and just have half left the same? (that would possible have been King Solomon's solution...)

You did the right thing 100%. I'm all for sharing and am the first to ensure my children share their stuff, but this was a souvenir goodie not a bag of sharing sweets! The other child could have had the same thing but chose a toy instead.

The other mother sounds like one of 'those' mums. The fact she bought her whinging little darling sweets to shut her up on the way home says it all. She's blaming you for her child's obnoxious behaviour!

Well done for handling it do well!

I didn’t say the op did anything wrong. I said the other mum was in the wrong for messaging her! But if you don’t share your sweets/toys other kids will think you’re mean. That’s a fact. Obviously no-one is obliged to but it does make getting along with others easier ime.
I wouldn’t force a child to share but I have always encouraged it and praised it. I don’t think that ‘theyve already had a toy so I’m keeping my sweets’ is a particularly friendly attitude. I wouldn’t walk into my office with a tray of cakes denying them to someone who’d already had a biscuit. I would share themwith everyone. Even if it meant I had only half of them left myself 😂
But like I said sharing is hard for children. I think 5e whole situation has been blown out of proportion by the other mother. Child A didn’t share something, Child B was disappointed. It’s not exactly a major or rare event.

Thing is as you’ve said OP your dd does share when it’s reasonable. This was an unreasonable share situation, they were her reminder of the day. Sharing should be because the owner wishes to share, not because others want extra.
Your dd sounds lovely.......on the other hand the other girl sounds a PITA, and it looks like it’s learned behaviour.......