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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have a birthing partner?

35 replies

GrecianUrn · 18/02/2018 11:29

My baby is due quite soon. I had to leave the abusive father of the baby, so he wouldn't be there (thank goodness). I've been very lucky in having great family (who live a long way away, but I may move locally to them to have the baby) and wonderful friends.

Various friends have offered to be my birthing partner and there is also my mum. My closest local friend, who is also coming to antenatal classes with me, offered early on and has been so kind. At the time I said I did not yet know what I wanted and might not know till the time, but that it was very kind of her. I think she has since become
attached to the idea, frequently bringing it up, and has told some people that she is the birthing partner (though she does know from conversations we've had that nothing is certain).

I am quite a private person and there is really only one person (a relative) I can even half imagine being there without my feeling awkward. She wouldn't necessarily be able to come as she has her own toddler and is not nearby. I get on well with my mum but can't quite imagine having her there in the latter stages.

WIBU to plan to have no birthing partner at all? When I have mentioned this, people have said how much better it is with support, and my mum said it is a good idea to have someone there who knows what I want and can advocate for me if I am too weak to. (Ideally I think I'd hire a doula but I can't afford this.)

I don't want to turn down my local friend's generous offer and regret it, but do have a history of being a polite pushover for the sake of other people's happiness. I don't want to end up accepting local friend's offer to make her happy if it's totally legitimate to have nobody, or have somebody else; but I feel I should let her know soon, for her sake.

Any advice and anecdotes gratefully heard!

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2018 11:33

I gave birth with just the MWs, my DH was around on the second, but I asked him to step out. Like you I'm a private person.

I would ask if they would mind having that arrangement, so they will step out, if you feel that you want them to.

If anything goes wrong and the baby has to be whisked off to SCBU etc, you may be glad of a friend/family.

UpstartCrow · 18/02/2018 11:36

Yanbu. If you ignore how you feel now you could end up damaging the friendship after the birth.
In the last stage I suddenly didn't want anyone else in the room except the midwife. It was a completely primeval 'go hide in a cave' type feeling, and it carried on for a few days after the birth.

Steeley113 · 18/02/2018 11:43

I could easily labour alone. I zombies be out and get very primitive. My husband is there for his benefit, not mine and quietly sits in the corner until the pushing stage

Original poster

GrecianUrn · 18/02/2018 11:44

Thank you both very much for your comments.

The "go hide in a cave" response is exactly how I've reacted to pain/injury in the past, going right back to when I was a child, and I do feel it's likely to be the same for childbirth.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrecianUrn · 18/02/2018 11:46

Thanks, Steeley. For me, it's the pushing stage in particular where I imagine wanting to be alone!

OP posts:

Twogoround · 18/02/2018 11:53

The point of having some there with you . Is when midwife is not there so you are not alone when you can't move . Also someone to go with your baby if he has go somewhere. . They can always leave the go on when you pushing . They are also your voice if what certain thing done re your birth plan .

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 18/02/2018 11:53

I could have given birth without my dh. Not because he was shit, but because I went into my deal-with-this-zone and the only person I communicated with, really, was the MW.

That being said, I would have found it very difficult without a partner after the birth. Someone to hold the baby while you have a shower, someone to help you get extra nappies/a clean top/new socks out your bag. You might still be in pain, you might have a catheter etc, and all these things make it quite difficult to tend to a baby - feeding, changing nappies etc - completely alone. Not impossible, but more difficult, and there's only so much MWs would be able to do to help.

Cocktailismyfavouritefilm · 18/02/2018 11:54

I could have done it on my own. I had homebirths and my husband was around but I didn't want him next to me or rubbing my back or anything. For one of the births he was looking after my other DC anyway. It was nice that he was there but only in the sense that he could see his child being born and could cut the cord. I didn't need him.

Red2017 · 18/02/2018 12:42

you do what you feel best ... I remember when my labour was imminent and there was a possibility my husband couldn't be there. I didn't want anyone there except him and the midwife. To be honest I was so glad he was .. however if he wasnt there I would have happily done it by myself. if you're not comfortable with anyone and you're happy to do it by yourself.. go for it.

MatildaTheCat · 18/02/2018 12:51

As a former midwife, it is quite unusual for a woman to be entirely alone unless she arrived very late in labour and her partner was with their dc.

I would keep an open mind. Labour can last ages if you include the preamble that often occurs. Having company then is a good distraction and can keep your spirits up. Encouragement and moral support is a big part of a birthing partner. Until the final stages the midwife may not be in the room very much and the contractions can be quite frightening as they intensify.

During pushing they encouragement can be a huge bonus. Many women lose heart and begin to feel they cannot do it. The midwife is at the business end so a supporter to be actually by your side can be a massive comfort. They are certainly not able to observe your nether regions and if you prime the midwife she would be even more mindful of your privacy.

But ultimately it’s your choice. We are all different.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 18/02/2018 12:55

I’ve had three children, and the least stressful labour by far was the one where Inwent in and laboured solo. It was bliss being able to just concentrate on myself and not have to keep an awareness of another person.

I chose to labour alone the last time too, but my wishes weren’t observed. That was something that took a while to get over.

SomeRandomBird · 18/02/2018 13:02

YANBU - my friend is a doula and kept insisting she wanted to be there for the birth of my baby which I wasn't comfortable with. She wasn't there in the end and I was v pleased, I wouldn't have wanted her there at all! I know I would have felt self conscious.

You might like people there after a couple of hours when you're not so vulnerable.

AlpacaLypse · 18/02/2018 13:07

I really didn't want dp, he would have been no more use than a chocolate fireguard and although had heroically said he'd come if I wanted I knew he was bricking it. At the same time I knew I would need an advocate, I was having twins and our local hospital had a terrible track record for delivering all twins as c sections no matter whether the labour was going well or not. So I took my mum, who was brilliant.

betterbemoreorganised · 18/02/2018 13:08

I didn't really want anyone near me during labour and was very much in my own zone. I liked the fact that my partner was in the room but there wasn't anything he could do for me until it was obvious that despite all the drugs labour wasn't going progressing when he asked for the doctor and something to be done (a csection after a very long labour). I was in not fit state to say it had gone on too long and I dread to think how much longer we'd be left or the effects it would have had on DS if he hadn't been there. So I would take someone even to sit outside just in case it's not straight forward.

UsernameInvalid66 · 18/02/2018 13:14

With DS2 I asked if it was OK not to have a birth partner if the person who would be looking after DS1 couldn't get there in time, and DH was stuck looking after him. They said it was no problem and some people didn't have one by choice. (As it turned out, everything worked out all right time-wise and DH could be there.)

BrickInTheWall · 18/02/2018 13:19

OP where abouts are you? I am a doula and I do volunteer in cases where there is no other viable support, I'm doing this for someone in the next couple of months. I know a few others who also volunteer their services. Almost always the fees are negotiable so don't be put off getting touch with a local doula to discuss options. Feel free to send me a PM see if I can put you in touch with anyone. Good luck

MissDuke · 18/02/2018 13:21

Have you tried contacting doulas? some have a reduced rate for scenarios like this, or there may be trainee doulas willing to do it for experience. Always worth a try!

I think you should see how you feel at the time. Go with your instincts. If you do bring someones, as others have said - make them aware that you may ask them to leave. As a mw, I have seen some brilliant birth partners but also some terrible ones - obviously you do not know until the time how good they will be. But so long as they know that you may wish them to step out then it should be ok :-)

You may be lucky and get a student with your mw which would really help.

LucyMorningStar · 18/02/2018 13:22

It's absolutely fine not to have a birthing partner if this is what you're most comfortable with. I personally don't understand the whole obsession with having one and did not have my husband or anyone else apart from midwives present.

It's not a rule that you have to follow.

Kitsandkids · 18/02/2018 13:33

Like Steeley, my husband was quietly in the corner until I began to push, and even then, I didn't ask him to come over, I think a midwife did. I didn't talk to him or look at him for about 8 hours. I just sucked on the gas and air and kept my eyes shut! If he hadn't been there I definitely didn't want anyone else there. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone, even my own mother, seeing me at my most vulnerable.

Fortunately my birth was fairly easy, baby was fine afterwards etc but I think you might need someone in the hospital, if not right by you, just in case anything goes a bit not to plan and you need some support.

edwinbear · 18/02/2018 13:36

I had DC2 with just midwives as DH was looking after DC1. It was a much, much better experience than DC1's birth. The midwives were 100% focused on me and I was 100% focused on the job in hand. If I had another baby I would ask DH to stay st home.

Applesandpears23 · 18/02/2018 13:40

YANBU but you will probably be very glad of support if you end up on the postnatal ward. So depending on how she will take it either just ask for her to come the next day or ‘accidentally’ not call her u til it is too late.

Horsemad · 18/02/2018 14:03

If my DH hadn't been able to be with me it wouldn't have bothered me, tbh. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else with me instead though.

All my friends said they couldn't have done it without their DH and I used to think, errrm yes you could, if you'd had to!

happinessischocolate · 18/02/2018 14:10

My ex was totally useless as a bp and I'd have been better off without him there. If you don't have someone who can actually be of a help then there's no point having someone there just for the sake of it

FizzyGreenWater · 18/02/2018 14:25

Definitely DON'T have this woman. I think you will regret that, by the sound of it - and when it comes to birth never do anything that is just to make someone else happy. It's too emotionally important. You could end up with the friendship suffering, especially if things don't go to plan. And I would instinctively be wary of someone who LOVED the idea of being a birthing partner and started steamrollering - telling people already, when you haven't actually said you want her there? Um no. Starting to sound like the kind of overexcited possibly pushy person who would be the LAST type I would want there - nice or not.

You can give birth alone, but there are downsides as well as ups. Hmm. How about - you plan to have your mum there for afterwards, for a start - to help with the immediately post-birth being on hand (you say you get on - will she genuinely help and not take over and want to be the one cuddling? - if the answer is 'yes, she will be totally focused on me, her baby, and will be making sure I am ok and managing and totally look after me' then GREAT, if the answer is 'no she is lovely but I know she will go into overwhelmed granny mode and hang on to the baby like a limpet' - then NO!).

For the birth itself - if you can level with your mum and know she will respect your wishes, then maybe have her there with CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS that she is to step out when you ask and leave you with just the midwife? So if it's going well, she waits outside in the crucial stages - if it isn't, then you might be glad she's there if there's any defending or arguing to be done. How does that sound?

EdmundCleverClogs · 18/02/2018 14:28

I had to ‘go it alone’ when I had my last baby (partner at home with our first due to it being Christmas and all our emergency options were away!). It was absolutely fine, like many others here I’m also a person who hates anyone near me when I’m in pain. I felt bad that my partner missed his second born coming into the world, but other than that I was actually quite happy to labour and have those few hours after alone with the baby.

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