To not have a birthing partner?

[GrecianUrn]

My baby is due quite soon. I had to leave the abusive father of the baby, so he wouldn't be there (thank goodness). I've been very lucky in having great family (who live a long way away, but I may move locally to them to have the baby) and wonderful friends.

Various friends have offered to be my birthing partner and there is also my mum. My closest local friend, who is also coming to antenatal classes with me, offered early on and has been so kind. At the time I said I did not yet know what I wanted and might not know till the time, but that it was very kind of her. I think she has since become
attached to the idea, frequently bringing it up, and has told some people that she is the birthing partner (though she does know from conversations we've had that nothing is certain).

I am quite a private person and there is really only one person (a relative) I can even half imagine being there without my feeling awkward. She wouldn't necessarily be able to come as she has her own toddler and is not nearby. I get on well with my mum but can't quite imagine having her there in the latter stages.

WIBU to plan to have no birthing partner at all? When I have mentioned this, people have said how much better it is with support, and my mum said it is a good idea to have someone there who knows what I want and can advocate for me if I am too weak to. (Ideally I think I'd hire a doula but I can't afford this.)

I don't want to turn down my local friend's generous offer and regret it, but do have a history of being a polite pushover for the sake of other people's happiness. I don't want to end up accepting local friend's offer to make her happy if it's totally legitimate to have nobody, or have somebody else; but I feel I should let her know soon, for her sake.

Any advice and anecdotes gratefully heard!

From the opposite side I was my daughter's birth partner. Birth went well but unfortunately she had a haemorrhage and had to be taken to theatre as an emergency. I was left with my dgs, I brought it to a midwife's attention that he hadn't been fed and he was nearly 2 hours old. I also noticed that it was cold in the recovery room and that despite three blankets and a cardigan my dgs felt chilly - he was then put under a heatlamp. I raised the same concern in the HDU and again he was put under a heatlamp. My dd was pretty out of it so resposibility for dgs was mine. To be fair my dd received excellent care so I assume a midwife would have taken charge of dgs and looked after his needs if I hadn't been there, but dd did say afterwards that it helped knowing I was there to look after him.

Going back to my own experience, my mum stayed with me until my then dh arrived. He was useless, a panicky mess and I spent so much time calming him down. I remember wishing that he would go away and let me manage on my own.

I birthed alone for my second as my partner had to take care of 1st child and his family, well they're useless f##ks. The midwives were concerned but I am a very pragmatic person and put my trust in them. Although there were some serious complications the midwives did a brilliant job and I'm lucky I'm both strong in mind and body so pulled through. My DP was very upset at not being there (Although he was there for the first he basically stood in the corner as I told him I didn't need him fainting on me, so he was there but wasn't if you know what I mean). My first bonded with dad as he held him while I was being sewn up...2nd? O defo absolute bond with me...it was very liberating...just me and baby. Plus like I said cos there was serious complications my partner would have just died on the spot and been a hindrance. I don't get the attitude towards going it alone nowadays it's very disappointing in an era of choice.

It's completely up to you. I didn't want my mum in the room because I didn't want her to see me in that state. Several hours in and the BBC news crew could have been live broadcasting and I wouldn't have cared. My labour didn't go to plan and I was thankful in the end to have her with me. Some women are not massive wimps like me though

If I didn’t have DP I wouldn’t want anyone else. Even he was annoying me in labour quite a lot (trying to stroke my hair during contractions etc when I wanted to scream STOP TOUCHING ME). I felt very funny about calling my mother after birth, I didn’t want to discuss it in detail with her or any friend really, not for a while. It was a personal experience. I can quite see why you’d want to do it alone.
You could try a doula on a reduced rate as people have suggested.

Some doulas do a bit of work voluntarily and there are student doulas too.
Might be worth seeing what is available in your area x

Where I work if women are in this situation the midwife would not leave them, or a very least there would be a student midwife in the room all the time.

Thank you all very much for giving your advice and sharing your experiences.

I would hope to stay at home as long as possible with a TENS machine, and would not be alone then, but I know there are no guarantees and am trying not to get fixed on any particular plan. (In a completely ideal world I'd have had a home birth but that's unlikely to be possible.)

I can see why it might easy for my friend to get caught up in the excitement, because I accepted (and am very grateful for) her offer of coming to antenatal classes with me and they are, after all, a preparation for birth. She's also a very generous person. But the more I think about it the more I feel sure I don't want her there.

My mum would definitely be focused on me rather than her role as new grandmother, so perhaps I could ask her to be nearby but not right there. But that would be so long and boring for her! I do worry about being too weak to say what I want if things get complicated.

Thank you very much for the tips about doulas. I had not realised about volunteering and student doulas. I'll send you a message, BrickInTheWall

I don’t blame you for wanting to do it alone, despite many offers from friends and family I’m going to do it alone. I think we will be absolutely fine!

By my last birth I had in my notes that DH was just there to carry the bags and hold the newborn and I need the MW to be my partner. They giggled but said it was fine.

He was of no help with the others because I'm horrible when in pain and he has a phobia of hospitals etc!

DH was useful to pass me water or juice, put on the tens for me (it's tricky to stick the pads on yourself) and hold the sick bucket. Also helped to pick me up off the floor and tuck me into bed. I didn't need him to labour though.

On a different note, I would suggest you move before baby is here. If your ex is vindictive he could prevent you from moving. Can't do that before baby is born though.