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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I might be gay

27 replies

hareandthemoon · 17/02/2018 18:20

Growing up I fancied girls and boys. I married my first boyfriend (he was quite a bit older than me) because I felt like no one else would ask me. I was just grateful someone had.

I get quite intense crushes for women and its hard to know if I just admire them or fancy them. I think it's the latter.

I am very feminine... I know its stupid but I think I still think of Gay women as being 'butch'.

Does it matter? I know it shouldn't matter but somehow it does to me, I want to look in the mirror and be certain and confident of who I am.

OP posts:
darkriver198868 · 17/02/2018 18:22

YANBU.
However, not all gay women are butch.

irregularegular · 17/02/2018 18:25

I feel very similar. Apart from the bit about thinking of lesbians as butch.

Actually no, I think may be bisexual, not gay.

But I'm committed to my husband so it's kind of irrelevant.

YetAnotherUser · 17/02/2018 18:25

Do you only fancy women? If so, then yes it sounds like you could well be gay.

If you fancy men as well then you're probably bi.

Are you still with your husband?

YetAnotherUser · 17/02/2018 18:26

Name change fail?

How do you feel about your husband?

Original poster
hareandthemoon · 17/02/2018 18:32

What name change fail?

No I'm using this name and am fine with it.

I don't know if I fancy men. I think I fancied my husband once but it was more gratitude. I'm still with him but it's hard, he's very controlling.

OP posts:
YetAnotherUser · 17/02/2018 18:36

My mistake, mistook another post for yours 😂

Back on topic - regardless of your sexuality it sounds like you might be best off addressing the situation with your husband, then taking things from there?

Addy2 · 17/02/2018 18:41

If it helps, I've read that women's sexuality is much more fluid than men's anyway. Apparently you can fancy both without being bi.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201609/is-female-sexuality-flexible%3famp

PositivelyPERF · 17/02/2018 18:44

I worked with two young lesbian couples and one couple was not traditionally feminine while the other couple were petite and incredibly pretty. Looks have nothing to do with it whether you’re a lesbian or not, OP.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 17/02/2018 18:59

Hi op
Your post really resonated with me, though some significant things are different.

I am bi
In a heterosexual (happy) relationship
But mainly attracted to women
We have DS

however I am rather "butch" (read... Gender Non Conforming)
But I know loads of "feminine" lesbians. SmileSmile
I am definitely bi....but.....

If I broke up with DP tomorrow I would only go lesbian.
This is for a variety of reasons tbh.
Happy to go into them if it helps!

Sorry...know it's not advice as such....just hope it helps you see a different perspective.

Original poster
hareandthemoon · 17/02/2018 20:00

Thanks... I have never really entertained the possibility of being gay. I convinced myself I was straight but had crushes on women!

OP posts:
coffeeclouds · 17/02/2018 20:07

It took me until I was in my 30s to realise I was bisexual, seems daft now that I never acknowledged it to myself. Wrote it off by thinking I admired them and all those drunken times with women, the alcohol was to blame.

I am for want of a better word 'feminine' presenting and I like women who are the same. People often mistook my ex and I for sisters Grin

Queenofwands · 17/02/2018 20:19

I think you will know more of what you are when you first sleep with ( or even snog) a woman you are attracted to. If you are gay you will just feel that it’s meant to be. Lots of feminine women are lesbians ( myself and wife included) wife is very girly ( and drop dead gorgeous Grin) will google some for you but Kate McKinnon scrubs up well on a red carpet for one. Having said that there are lots of gorgeous boyish looking gay girls and you may find one of them attractive too!

Original poster
hareandthemoon · 18/02/2018 07:50

I don't know how I'd meet one! Especially as I'm still married.

Thank you though. As I said to someone on a pm it's peculiar not really knowing who you are.

OP posts:
Fosterdog123 · 18/02/2018 07:59

Not really what you started the thread for but you mentioned your husband being controlling. Is this something you want to tackle too?

Original poster
hareandthemoon · 18/02/2018 08:15

foster this sounds awful but I have just about given up. I've tried talking to him, ignoring him, leaving him (!) it all just ends the same way. Mostly I try to avoid him as much as possible.

OP posts:
BeyondTerfyCassandra · 18/02/2018 08:28

Right now, I'd say you need to address your husband problem. After that, you can think about who you are actually attracted to -but regardless of whether it's just women or men and women, you are clearly not happy with this particular man.

And I'm with Lana, if anything happened to DH, I'd not go near another man.

BeyondTerfyCassandra · 18/02/2018 08:29

Do you have children with him?

Gekkoforprimeminister · 18/02/2018 08:30

I think if you're still with your husband but you're unhappy you need to tackle that first. You might be gay, or bi but you might be fantasising about women as a way of escaping from the situation you're in just now.
If/when you become single then you can take the time to explore and decide how you feel but remember nothing's set in stone... Just leave yourself open to falling in love with a person, not a gender.

Original poster
hareandthemoon · 18/02/2018 08:32

Addressing the husband problem just isn't possible. I wish it was and I really have tried.

I feel nothing for ages. Last time I fancied a woman was 2013! Then I forget about it and get caught up in the general fuss of daily life and now I've met someone else. Nothings going to happen but it just kind of awakens all those old feelings.

OP posts:
Fosterdog123 · 18/02/2018 08:37

I understand feeling resigned to it but is that really how you want to live out your days? It makes me feel so down and low just thinking about a life of being controlled. How dare he. Are you certain you've given up on tackling this?

IAmAMoodyCow · 18/02/2018 08:42

Stop labelling yourself.
You are you - it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, you fall in love with a person. Just be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

IAmAMoodyCow · 18/02/2018 08:43

The issue of your DH being controlling is totally separate from your sexuality.

Go on some dates with him, relive the early days, see if there's anything real with him.

Original poster
hareandthemoon · 18/02/2018 08:47

It matters to me moody.

We can't really relive the early days Smile he was Prince charming, God and a superhero all rolled into one. Or so I thought. I fell in love with someone I thought could help me. He fell in love with being superman.

Foster I have. Sometimes the more you fight something the more you can get exhausted and bitter. Accepting this is how my life is well, there's some peace there.

OP posts:
IAmAMoodyCow · 18/02/2018 08:50

I totally understand accepting your DH for his flaws - as long as you are happy enough in daily life. If you get along but just aren't attracted to him, it's manageable.
If your unhappy and he's aggressively controlling - you really can't live like that.

Original poster
hareandthemoon · 18/02/2018 08:55

But you have to moody because what can you do? Leaving just isn't that simple.

OP posts: