To wonder why the older generation can't admit that things are harder for millennials?

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So we just had our meeting with a mortgage advisor. They will lend my dp £45,000 (not even enough for a bedsit in this town) and so I'm not even bothering to do mine as I earn less. We work very hard (44 hours and 27 hours) we just have low paid jobs and pay childcare for two under 5's!
I talked to my stepdad who compared it to when he had to borrow £36,000 to buy his first house in the early eighties. That was 3 times his salary and his wife stayed at home. He paid it off in six years. It's not the same. He was given a mortgage which was enough to buy a nice house in an area close to family and where he worked. He didn't have to have a bank manager saying 'well if you move to Wales or up north?' He didn't have to rent forever and have nothing to pass down to his children. It's not the same!

There's a lot of talk on here about the cost of caring for elderly parents, but what about moving them in with you and caring for them yourselves, which is much more common abroad?

My granny lived with us for most of her elderly life, until the last two weeks of her life, when she was in a hospice.

My parents are in their mid-80s and live very close and the thought of putting them in a home wouldn't enter my head.

I said the same when my parents were in their mid 80s. When they were in their late 90s and needed 24 hour care I had to eat my words.

My mil has spent the last 10 years hardly living herself caring for her elderly parents - aged 92 and 96 they both needed 24 hour care in a home. Their entire life savings and home was all spent within 18 months.

My parents live abroad and refuse to ever come back to the uk - I can’t imagine what it will cost me in worry and airfares in the years to come. I hope they come to their senses if the time comes.

I would happily care for my mother. I suspect I would be very tempted to kill my father after a month. And we contribute financially to my FIL having more carer hours at home. He is an extremely difficult man to family members, especially women, but sweetness and light to carers and nurses. My sister I would help care for, my brother can go whistle. He is a totally obnoxious man that I try and have as little to do with as possible.

And by difficult I mean constant insults, sexism and racism. Horrible man.

I'm in the same position as Clyd with parents abroad who have no inclination of ever coming back to the UK. My dad's health is already failing and worry that I simply don't have the money nor annual leave allowance to deal with the future. I don't really see an alternative though, they couldn't afford to move back to the UK, even if they did want to and I don't have the space or domestic set up to move them in with me. It's good to hear from someone else in the same boat (well, not good as such but comforting), I don't know anyone else in this situation although there must be loads of us.

It could be a load of fun by retirement age - caring for elderly parents, either here or abroad, watching any of that supposed inheritance melt away, helping our young adult children navigate an increasingly unaffordable life, watching the retirement age creep up further with pensions decreasing once the bubble bursts...

It’s a good time to be alive and be ‘young’ in so many ways but there are also lots of avoidable issues which are weighted in this current ‘older’ generations favour.

There's a lot of talk on here about the cost of caring for elderly parents, but what about moving them in with you and caring for them yourselves, which is much more common abroad?

It is more common abroad and it’s always the women expected to do it. It’s basically another way of tying women into domestic servitude in many countries.

My parents cared for my gran in her own home until she was late 90s and died - it took a huge toll on them. Also many older people will have actual nursing care needs such as dementia etc.

I totally understand that many people are reluctant to put ageing Ps in a home (I hate the idea myself) but the line that it’s common abroad is often used without acknowledgement that it’s women bearing the brunt of the work.

I’m another one living abroad and I dread to think what will happen when my Ps need help. I’m looking into how I could move them here but chuffing brexit has stopped that, and I can’t just go back to the uk as even though I was born and raised there, once you’ve been out of the country a certain time you can’t just stroll back in.

TurtleBeach it’s a nightmare isn’t it. My dad hasn’t lived in the UK for over 25 years, he has residency in Spain but has worked all over the world. Somehow still gets a full uk pension though 🙄 despite not even working for uk companies!
Moving back here would be like him moving to a foreign country. They say I shouldn’t worry about them but with health problems already starting as they turn 70 I can see huge expense in the future.

My parents are in Greece, mum is only 65 and in good health but dad is 80 and things are going downhill quickly. At the moment their healthcare is good and free but post-Brexit will be a different ballgame. Dad recently went private for some treatment and it cost them nearly £2k. I know for a fact that they don't have that kind of money. They have been away for 15 years but receive a UK pension, heating allowance and other benefits. They sold up everything over here, despite advice to the contrary, and have made clear there will be no inheritance, which is fair enough - their life, their money - but they've also made clear they expect me to do more, visit more and help them out as necessary. They are my parents and I love them but I am very worried for my future and theirs. I just can't see how I can afford the time and money that they will need.

Sorry to derail the thread. If it helps, I can also note that my parents are the stereotypical boomers who give others a bad name. They refuse to believe that my generation (gen x) or millennials have any hardships at all. Unfortunately, they seem to think time and costs froze at the time they left the UK or possibly even beforehand and believe that a nice 2-bed semi, starter home can be bought for under £50k, there are plenty of well-paid jobs for life with generous pension schemes and it is just a case of working hard enough to make things happen. It is easy to get angry with them and then the rest of their peers as a result but some good points have been made on this thread about the different types of hardships and challenges.

I spent many years dodging back and forth 120 miles to help with my ageing parents; and also with in-laws. They have all died now and I now spend a lot of my time looking after GC instead! - oh and looking after disabled and declining OH; nearly forgot that! Retirement? - what exactly is that?!

If, after the hard slog of our adult lives (finances were very tight) we now have relative financial security - please do not begrudge us that! We did not make the decisions that have caused it to be so hard for young people to get on the housing ladder now - and we are saving the country £millions by caring for the elderly and GC.

I do not think things are harder for millennials on many fronts; most of which have been outlined on this thread. Some of these things we could only dream of when we were bringing up our children, but are accepted as the norm now.

Let us all make representations to our politicians to try and change the things that are hard for people of ALL ages, and stop deflecting the issues into an age battle.

Ellyess well said

Please don’t think that anyone begrudges anyone financial security - all I’m suggesting is that the conversations need to happen that highlight that, at the rate we’re going, that same financial security will not be available to later generations.

I really feel for you TurtleBeach, at least my parents freely admit that things are indeed becoming increasingly difficult and they both feel sorry that it’s unlikely my brother and I will receive the same level of retirement based benefits. They do not however seem inclined to help us out by moving back to the uk! In fact we just had to pay out over £2000 to help with some medical issues with my mum - despite leaving us to it in the uk for all our adult lives (no grandparent babysitting or inheritance going on from them) I know the burden of care and expense will fall to my family.

'My parents are in their mid-80s and live very close and the thought of putting them in a home wouldn't enter my head.'

So if both require 24 hr care you'll clone yourself to provide that? When will you sleep or work to earn a living - don't you still need to provide for yourself, bills, food, rent/mortgage/etc?

This is a completely unworkable paradigm for vast swathes of people because: a) it relies on someone being able to provide the care and not have to work FT on top of that b) live close by, which many cannot do as they have had to move for work c) not have any other caring duties such as young children d) ability to purchase homes nearby.

And as someone pointed out, relies on women to provide the care.

Don't even think about feeling shit, Francis. I had the same ideals and they didn't survive contact with reality. Two weeks of looking after mine 24/7 and living in their house nearly brought me to my knees. And that was with taking time off work to do it. Nobody can give that level of care, that's why care homes have three shifts of people to deliver it.

FrancisCrawford Listen to Bluelady and do not dare to feel shit about yourself! People say stupid things sometimes. You could not possibly look after someone with dementia on your own in a normal home. It's more than stupid to suggest it, it's blooming ignorant and smacks of judgemntalism. "More common abroad" maybe, probably because they do not have access to professional care for their poor relative with dementia. My mother had to be in a locked environment for her own safety! She needed more than one person on duty to look after her. She was well looked after and had company and the right environment with all the adaptations and people who knew how to cope with her illness. I consider that finding her a place where she was happy and well cared for in safety was the kindest thing I could do for her. Her house was sold to pay for it so you could say I gave up my inheritance but I never consider it that way. I just can't tolerate these smug ignorant people who think a person with dementia can be safely and comfortably cared for in a normal home!!

Kaybush Your comments deserve the massive angry response you've got. You obviously think you are a wonderful daughter and a very kind and caring person. You are not. If you were, you would have realised that you are very lucky to have parents who are still managing to live in their home. You appear to be so wrapped up in your own perfect world that you do not know what happens when someone gets dementia for example. You do not give a thought to how hurtful your smug comments are for someone who had no choice but to find a safe Care-Home for their parent with Alzheimer's. I expect you will just carry on in your little world making these selfish and self-congratulatory remarks to show how angelic you are until your parents die and you inherit their estate and you feel so happy that you looked after them.

My mil has just spent the last decade caring at home for her parents well into their 90s before they spent 18 months in a care home before passing away. The strain on her marriage is tragic, the physical toll has aged her beyond her 65 years and she almost had a nervous breakdown - to be honest they should have been in care at least a year or two earlier but they pressured her to help them stay in their own home.

When the time comes for us all to need 24hr care I think we should consider the burden on others. Fine if it’s for a year or two, we’d all be willing to help our loved ones, but this has been over a decade of her life. Unthinkable if she’d had a career.

That could easily have happened to me. We were away a few weeks before Mum died. Don't beat yourself up, it happened and you don't have a crystal ball any more than the rest of us have.

A friend cared for her husband with dementia as long as she could. She realised she could no longer when he started wandering around the house all night, peeing in various places and trying to get out the house. She was totally totally exhausted.

Also many people with dementia are still physically fine but can become like toddlers, striking out and hitting their carers. If the person is tall and large and the carer is not, this is dangerous for the carer.

Also remember more and more women are caring for children and elderly relatives. Some types of illness such as dementia when it is worse, can not be safely managed around young children.

And no way would I have my FIL spouting his racist and sexist views to my family and insulting us all. He behaves wonderfully with paid carers.

Some people do not seem to realise as well that some elderly people have always been horrible people. Like a friend who was abused by her father. I am sure he says to carers how neglectful and selfish his DD is by not visiting or caring for him. But you don't always know the true story.

The toll on my parents health and happiness was immense - they were unable to visit GC, haven’t been on holiday in ten years. Visited twice a day and my GM was frankly a very difficult woman.
I think they were amazing to do it but really she should have had proper nursing care. No massive house either before anyone suggests that as a motive - a 50k northern semi.

Any caring role is exhausting.