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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad by uninvolved grandparents!

43 replies

CrazyCatLady8 · 17/02/2018 00:03

Hi,
This is something that has bothered me for some time, basically myn and my husband’s parent’s aren’t very involved in our children’s lives. My husband’s parent’s visit once a year and they live 2-3 hours away, we visit them about three times a year. My Dad is more involved with my children than my Mum but not in a big way. I say this because I know many grandparents who are very involved with their family’s and always help in whatever way they can and also see other parent’s mention it on Facebook. We have sadly never had that and I don’t know if my children are missing out on this sort of relationship with them. I just feel sad that they won’t grow up to have that experience with their grandparents. I should also add that my husband’s grandparents are very involved in their grandson’s (from their daughter) life.

OP posts:
Flutterbyeee · 17/02/2018 00:08

I am estranged from my family for this very reason. My mum actually declared she did not have enough love or energy to be there for us. I am a single mum with a 5 and 4 year old. Even though I have separated from their dad I ensure to meet up with paternal grandparents weekly. They are also invited to all school events.

Saltandsauce · 17/02/2018 00:12

It’s quite a distance between you, and that alone means you can’t possibly be as ‘close’ as you would like.
Don’t feel sad about it, they can’t miss what they never had, just make fantastic memories in your own family unit! 😊 xxx

JockTamsonsBairns · 17/02/2018 00:14

It is what it is. My DC's have no input from either set of grandparents - DM not interested, neither are PILS. It's a shame on all sides, but that's where we are - we just get on with it.

Original poster
CrazyCatLady8 · 17/02/2018 00:20

Saltandsauce-It is a distance but know family’s who lives even further from their grandparents and travel to each other monthly, I also believe if you want to see your grandchildren you make that extra effort, also phone calls are relatively cheap nowadays and even a phone call once in a while would be nice because the older two are capable of having phone conversations. We are a happy family and we do quite a lot together at the weekends as a family but it’s just something that I feel is sometimes missing from their lives, my children don’t even talk about them because they don’t know them enough to talk about them. Maybe it’s best just to forget it and remain the happy family unit we are, I just hope they don’t feel they’re missing out the older they get.

OP posts:
00alwaysbusymum · 17/02/2018 00:22

I agree it's really sad, but it really won't impact children. My siblings and I grew up with no grandparents due to living in a different country but also grandparents that really didn't care either. It really makes no difference to the children and it's the grandparents that will miss out

Original poster
CrazyCatLady8 · 17/02/2018 00:22

JockTamson-We don’t let it affect us but recently during half term I’ve seen a lot of grandparents with grandchildren

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyCatLady8 · 17/02/2018 00:24

and it occurred to me whether my children ever thought about the lack of interest from their grandparents, not more so for me but for them really.

OP posts:
TrappedAndLost · 17/02/2018 00:30

That is a shame. My dcs have an amazing bond with my parents but not partner3s parents which makes us both sad but situations happen sadly.
With Skype, phones, emails it's easy to stay in touch if that's important to someone.
Sadly if they really wanted more contact they would make more of an effort I believe.
But then it may possible they are worried they are disturbing you/ being a hindrance.
It just depends you know them best.

Justbenice · 17/02/2018 00:33

It's very sad, there's no denying it, but I think the main thing is you ought to mention them frequently and talk about them and how your dh/you remember them (grade always used to like crumpets too etc) . My parents are the same amount of time away but I make the effort to talk about them and visit them with dc whenever possible. Try to keep the link best you can.
You are lovely for wanting this, and it's their loss really.... Flowers
Don't worry, there's plenty in the same boat and as long add that know you love them, all will be well Grin

Justbenice · 17/02/2018 00:34

As long as they know... I meant Grin

chocafrolic · 17/02/2018 00:36

I feel your pain, I was brought up by my grandparents whilst my parents got divorced and went on to have new families so for me the bond is a huge one. My mother rarely sees my kids, but she's an amazing grandparent to my bro's kids ,my DHs family are a waste of space.....DH mum only sees them if we visit. Dad hasn't seen them for 5 years. My Dad is the only good one and that's just a 15 min visit once a week. It's shit. It won't change and one of my biggest parenting challenges has been trying to accept it whilst watching everyone else have these great relationships. It hurts. On the upside I have become the best parent I can be. I send a million hugs to you. X

MrsDilber · 17/02/2018 00:52

All of my grandparents died before I was born and I can honestly say, I don't feel like I missed out (even though they sounded lovely), I didn't know any better.

Having gp's alive, but not in your children's day to day life should be ok, my kids have gp's like that. They'll be alright .

Them favouring other GC might be more of a bitter pill for you to swallow than them. My advice is not to let them know, it just passes on resentment. You'd think age would make people wiser, but it's not always the case

Good luck.

Julie8008 · 17/02/2018 03:14

MY DC are very happy they dont see their GP, as they are very old fashioned and boring. Less contact the better.

Mossbystrand · 17/02/2018 04:54

I live on the otherside of the country to my family and when I had my kids I did think how we'd manage to maintain a relationship. Both sides need to make an effort so even though it might feel like at the beginning that I was, it's reciprocated. What's helped us is Skype and a family whatsapp group so we do plenty of face time and chat about stuff. The kids are old enough to call and chat by themselves and it's a bit of a novelty for both sides. It was slow moving at first but worth it. I don't get childcare help because they live too far away but my kids do have a relationship with my family.

Skype or call them one day and see how they respond, if it doesn't work then at least you've tried.

Mossbystrand · 17/02/2018 05:00

Posted too soon. My in laws don't bother even though they live closer, well about an hour away. It's a very different dynamic with the inlaws, the other grandchild is the favourite so they put a lot of effort into her. That's their choice and I've accepted that by not exposing my kids to this & focusing on the relationship with my family instead.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/02/2018 05:14

It is possible to be close with that distance. It’s not far.

They are genuinely not interested and the best thing you can do is accept the situation and feel peaceful about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2018 05:20

It's a damn shame but stop wasting your emotional energy on a situation you can't control or change. You are not responsible for how involved the grandparents choose to be. Just concern yourself with your husband and children, and resolve to make your family life the best it can be.

Petalflowers · 17/02/2018 05:36

Does your in-laws live closer to their other grandchopild. Maybe that’s why they are involved more.

I think you have two kinds of gp, those that live on the doorstep, and have an involved relationship, and one that lives further away, and has a more intermittent relationship.

You worry that they don’t see your children more, but they do see them every couple of months, which is quite often. Just because they are not Disney gp, doen’t Mean they don’t care.

There’s a saying on MN, comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy your gp for who they are, not what they do or don’t do.

echt · 17/02/2018 06:00

You're doing a lot of comparing your life with Facebook; not a good idea.

You mention no phone calls but do you make calls?

You see your DH's parents 4 times a year which seems OK.

Not much detail about your own parents involvement so hard to judge.

charlestonchaplin · 17/02/2018 06:17

People always want what other people have. And if you were in their shoes you'd probably be complaining about interfering parents and in-laws who don't respect your wishes.

5plusMeAndHim · 17/02/2018 06:24

Op do you travel to them and phone them? Or always expect them to make the effort

Jenijena · 17/02/2018 06:36

My parents live relatively close and are polite but not really involved (eg it would never occur to them to eg offer to take out even one at a time). My in laws live much further but visit every 2-3 months and do stuff lots with them, know about their lives etc.

Whilst I can deal just about with the comparisons with other grandparents, what really hurts is that there seem to be fewer adults in my children’s lives who really love them. So I’ve tried to enable other adult relationships as much as possible.

FaFoutis · 17/02/2018 06:41

Distance is just an excuse. If they wanted to bother they would.
There are many grandparents who are not interested in their grandchildren. You just have to accept it, there's nothing else you can do.
As for talking about them to create a bond, why should you? They are not dead. It's their choice. It's a sad state of affairs but there it is.

Pluckedpencil · 17/02/2018 06:45

It's really not about distance. We liked that distance and saw them one weekend a month.
Even now in different countries we see each other four or five times a year for a week at a time, plus facetime every other day, parcels etc. It is being arsed. Don't waste energy on it, just you try to maintain a bit of contact and put t to the back of your mind. It is you being upset, not grandchildren

HollyBollyBooBoo · 17/02/2018 06:51

It is such a shame but unfortunately it doesn't sound like it's going to change.

It's fascinating reading all the 'I hate my PIL/MIL/FIL' threads, sometimes I we always think the grass is greener don't we!