To feel a bit sad by uninvolved grandparents!

[CrazyCatLady8]

Hi,
This is something that has bothered me for some time, basically myn and my husband’s parent’s aren’t very involved in our children’s lives. My husband’s parent’s visit once a year and they live 2-3 hours away, we visit them about three times a year. My Dad is more involved with my children than my Mum but not in a big way. I say this because I know many grandparents who are very involved with their family’s and always help in whatever way they can and also see other parent’s mention it on Facebook. We have sadly never had that and I don’t know if my children are missing out on this sort of relationship with them. I just feel sad that they won’t grow up to have that experience with their grandparents. I should also add that my husband’s grandparents are very involved in their grandson’s (from their daughter) life.

My mum has moved 5 hrs away and gets huffy when we spend time w the other grandparents.
It's upsetting but I figure it's her loss.

I absolutely understand what you're saying and it is really sad. Distance doesn't have to impact on a relationship, even though obviously it makes it easier to nurture a relationship when you are close by to each other. We have a similar situation. MIL/Step-FIL have never been overly enthusiastic about our dc (or us for that matter). They live 1.5 hours away, perfectly able bodied, drive, SFIL is retired, MIL has never worked more than part-time, so has 2-3 days off during the week plus weekends. We've lived where we live now for just shy of 7 years. I think they've probably visited us 5-6 times. We did used to see them for Christmases and Sunday lunch (if we drove down to them) and they would see our dd then. But MIL didn't see her more than probably 4-5 times a year. My mum lives overseas, pretty much on the other side of the world, and sees her more than that! My mum also calls and talks to her via skype and they have a lovely relationship, even though we don't live close to each other.

It's always made me a bit sad as my GP growing up lived about 20 minutes away and I saw them nearly daily. I had overnights with them. We spent all Christmases, etc. together. I was there with for school holidays, etc. I would have loved for my dc to have that same experience, but we did always know we probably wouldn't live that close. Some things transpired in the past couple years in the family which has caused a strain (it's complicated, but related to a safeguarding issue for our dc, so we've had to go NC with a family member due to risk of abuse). MIL hasn't supported us and has decided that because she doesn't support us (she supports the person who abused the child in question, not one of our dc) she would opt to no longer have any sort of relationship with our dc either because it can't be on her terms. They are her only grandchildren and likely the only one's she'll ever have (BIL/SIL aren't planning to have children at this point). She will have never even met our ds.

I know that's not quite what you are describing, but it is part of just a grandparent's general lack of interest in their GC. It's sad that she has always shown little interest in them and especially now that she was quite happy at the first opportunity to say I no longer want any sort of relationship with them, even though in theory she lives relatively close. My mum on the other hand isn't able to live close. She's an 11 hour flight away, but her relationship with my dd especially is absolutely lovely. We of course have our disagreements and she drives me mad some days. But she is a wonderful GM. The distance is unavoidable, but we make the best of it. She is also retired and she visits about 3-4 times a year for a week. She calls every couple weeks and speaks to our dd. She sends her cards and notes in the post just because. It goes to show you that distance doesn't have to be an obstacle to a good relationship.

I've cried and screamed and held on to a lot of pain because of my ILs attitude to our dc, but time has helped and I realise now that we can't mourn something that never was. It is my MILs loss that she's chosen to not be involved in her GC's lives. I hope it burns a hole in her when her friends or other family talk about their GC. I don't really feel like my kids are missing out because she doesn't have much to offer anyway. Even though there is still a part of me that wishes they could have what I had as a kid as that was pretty special.

My children have adopted family friends as grand parents. In the absence of actually related grand parents (who are miles away, demented or dead) they share their triumphs with these friends and one of them is going to mother's day lunch at school because I'm working. They are also the people I talk to when I need an adult's advice!

My PILs live approx 2 hours away and we see them a few times a year (last time was for Xmas, next time will be Easter). That’s absolutely fine with me!

We do see my parents a lot more as they live closer and help us with childcare once a week.

It does not impact your children OP.

It's only you that mourn that loss OP.

Seriously.

If children are brought up in an atmosphere of love, have fun and are listened to then they will thrive - with or without grandparents.

It isn't about the distance, I have in laws 5 mins away who are not involved and not interested and patents few hours away that do loads.
It's what you do to bridge the distance, unfortunately both sides have to make the effort. I feel for you OP as it's crappy when you want more out of a relationship than the other side is willing to give.
I'd give it another try with some of the suggestions here, then you know you've made the most effort you could have on your children's behalf. Hopefully something will come of it.

2-3 hours is quite a way for some people. My DD is moving that distance away and I did mention I would find it difficult to get. She forgets that I can't drive the distances she can and I get ver very tired.
Have you tried inviting them more? Do they stay with you when they come to see you, or do you exoect them to come fir the day?

Do you invite the grandparents to see you?

We have good friends who live 3 hours away we always visit them as when they come here they have lots of family to see. We are always very welcome and told 'come any time you like'

But as I am always the one who initiates a visit and organises a date I do sometimes wonder if they really want us to come. We def go once a yr as I wouldn't let it slip altogether but would go more if they asked some of the time. Maybe the grandparents feel the same.

How involved were the DGPs in their own children's lives. My DIn Laws aren't very involved but then I realised DGM was not much a hands on DM, she loves small babies though.

I think interest in chikdren depends on how many you had yourself!
If you only had one, yet yearned for more I imagine you will be more interested and excited about grandchildren than if you had lots of chikdren . My youngest is still only small, so I don't think grandchildren would be as exciting as they would have been if we hadn't ourselves had a small child relatively recently.
Also some people are more interested in kids than others. I think it's to do with hormones. I loved babies, obsessed in my teens and early twenties, now, not at all. I'd rather clean the fridge than hold one!

We live about 6hours away from my parents. We typically see them 2x a year. My DC still would say they have a close relationship with them.

Headofhive.Maybe the number of DCS affects how involved you want to be for some.But there's always the exception who adores babies and children ,and loves a housefull of GC.Thinking about my neighbour.It makes me tired just thinking about it !However having brought up 3 DC's of our own I can honestly say I wasn't in a rush to be a grandma ,in fact was positively looking forward to DH and I having more time to ourselves.But we now have a delightful GC ,and it was a relief to feel that unconditional love again,and as we live very close I'm involved. Actually more so than anticipated as DD and partners hours have ended up changing and not always compatible with childcare hours.I won't pretend it's not tiring at times,especially as I still work.And I worry about supporting my other DD if she has children, as they are a couple of hours away.Will I have the energy ?And as I've got older and childfree relish peace and quiet.They won't expect it,but DH and I will want to have an equally loving relationship with any other GC.I'm sorry you feel your DCS are missing out,personally I feel GPSs who can't/won't put in some time and effort with the next generation are the biggest losers. Some people put in more effort with friendships and with their community,some prefer to put themselves first.Our DCs still miss their GPs that are no longer alive,and I will always be grateful for the bond they had.And were lovely with them as they got old and frail.You get back what you give- mostly.

OP I know how you feel, DP's family are only an hour away but don't see or spend much time with DC's. They are not very hands on grandparents, but he luckily has other family who are great. We have learned to fill the gap with others.

Your kids won't know the differences. I was upset about it as I had a close relationship with my granddad dispit a 4 hour distance. But your children will form different boands with different people and they won't know any different.

My mil and own dm are the same. I think it's very sad, yes the children are losing out but then so are the adults too. My dm is very involved in DN but not mine. It makes me oil to see dn as her screensaver. But I'd never pull her on it. Dc get much love and adoration from DH and I, our own dgc when they arrive will be fed up looking at us!

My MiL would have everyone believe that she's v involved with our DS, but the actual fact is that she's visited us twice since he was born three and a half years ago. It is v much expected that we all schlep up to hers (3 hours) away because she has more space. Up to this point we have, but we are moving even further away and have another DC due in June so if she wants to see us she's going to have to haul herself down. She is young, in her 50s, and only works p/t, so she doesn't really have an excuse not to tbh.

We live in another country to our DGS and see him about once a year. We use FaceTime and we're interested in how he's doing. Even if we lived in the same town though, I wouldn't be one of those grandparents who give up their own lives to provide free childcare for grandchildren. We don't live in each other's pockets and brought our boys up to be confident and independent people.

My DD1 and DD2 are now teenagers, but even when they were younger, my own mum couldn't interact with them as she had early onset dementia and was quite nasty to them. My dad was exhausted from looking after her so he didn't want to know either.
MIL and FIL were great, but it only lasted for four years as MIL died suddenly and FIL was depressed for a while.
Great grandparents were a godsend, they acted they true grandparents and were very spritly for their ages (90s), the DDs had good memories from their time with them.
But then it all went downhill when DD2 was 6, dementia struck again great grandma and grandad became very weak.
So, yes, if grandparents are well and fit, then there is no excuse not to keep in contact more often.

What you are describing OP is exactly what I experienced with my grandparents.
They lived about 3 hours away from us and we saw them around 3-4 times a year. Usually Christmas and Birthdays.
It was the 80s, so we occasionally spoke on the phone, but no such thing as Skype etc.

Despite this I felt very close to my grandparents. Their names were often mentioned in our house and my parents were obviously very fond of them so that love was passed down to the grandchildren.

Perhaps you are just feeling sad because you wish you had the hands on help from grandparents like so many people seem to have? There is nothing wrong to want this (I wish I had it too). But don't worry that your DC will miss out. They really won't.