To be peeved with my friend

[mammymammyIRL]

My friend & work colleague and I are quite close working together for 10 years, our dc are similar ages and our dhs get along too. We've had a few occasions over the years where we've gone out together for nights out. We planned to do same this year maybe involving staying overnight somewhere.
This year I've decided not to drink alcohol for health reasons & personal reasons.

I attempted to arrange a mutually suitable date earlier this week & she said no, she wouldn't be going out with us until I was back drinking alcohol, I thought she was joking so I again attempted to arrange a date & she said I wouldn't go on a night out with a pioneer at all.
She said we can arrange something when you're back drinking. I might never go back to taking a drink, and I might who knows.
AIBU to be upset/peeved/disappointed/bewildered at this reaction?

How odd. Assuming you just calmly drink a soft drink and don't lecture anyone or make a big song and dance of it all then she's being really miserable. I'd be disappointed too.

I don't drink either. People can be very uncomfortable with the idea!

Does your friend or her DH drink a lot? Reads to me like she has issues with drink and being around someone not drinking makes her uncomfortable! There is nothing you can do really! You shouldn't have to change your decision for her! But no YANBU to be upset you friend has behaved like this!

Weird! Some people think you need to be drunk to have fun, and she won’t want to get drunk while you stay sober so maybe that’s why? Not really reasonable of her but might explain it.

YANBU. It's really crap of her to not want to go out with you if you're not drinking. Sadly that attitude is rife in this county, the way people act like you can't possibly be fun if you're not drinking. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

You aren't being unreasonable to feel that way but she is being honest. Perhaps she sees the nights out as a getting drunk session which isn't a solo activity, rather than an evening of socialising. Your choice is simple, get over it and move on or try to sell the evening as an evening of socialising (change the venue perhaps) with alcohol as optional. It might not work though and then you are back to option one.

sits on the fence

I attended her big birthday bash, all day last year without drinking as I'd a half marathon next day, lasted until very end, good humoured, having fun with everyone

I have enjoyed very boozy nights out and booze free nights equally well but without the wasted day afterwards & with more money in my pocket

I've attended a Birthday night out, wedding & night away with dh since going alcohol free & not one person batted an eyelid

Offer to drive so she won't need a cab. That should do it

Take drugs instead!

Hmmmm, you mention the half marathon, then not having a wasted day and having money in your pocket in your update. Do you think these things come across in RL and she thinks you are a bit smug and self righteous without the booze? Nothing worse than a sporty, rich, up and at em type when you are suffering from a dirty hangover!!!

Sandysmam she knows how much I've struggled to lose weight after having ds 4 years ago and is supportive of my running & weight loss attempts. We both regularly discuss how money is like water sometimes just flows out of us due to dc needing stuff/house/cars/social occasions.

Raven they'd have a few cans at home on a Saturday night or lots of drink when they go out, I don't really bother at home but would drink a lot when I get out & just wanted a break from it

Kings her dh, mine & myself were geared up for an overnight

That’s really fucking weird of her . Yanbu.

Some friend.

Wow. I stopped drinking for a year a while ago and it was never a problem. Then DH stopped drinking..some people were abbot weird about it (he used to drink quite a lot) but although there were comments and jokes no-one refused to socialise with him! I would suspect that either she or someone close to her has an alcohol dependence.

She sounds like a twat.

I think it's appalling she is being so unsupportive of your adopting a healthier lifestyle. I don't think I would want to waste an away-overnight outing on someone like that. Only exception which might excuse her behaviour is a scenario where you have been out with them without drinking before and you were no fun or preached to them about abstinence all night. Your posts don't suggest this is the case though! Time to meet some new teetotaler friends maybe!

Faith when you went back drinking had you ever as much interest in it again.
Her brother is an alcoholic as is her brother in law.

Iamyourequal I'm just disappointed I guess both myself & dh enjoy hers & her dhs company, she/her dh would never go out without drinking where myself or dh would, depending on taxi availability or demands of following day

I never drank to the same extent though really. I’d started scaring myself with how much I was drinking before I stopped. Large quantities several days of the week. Not behaving in a manner I’d be comfortable with sober.

Now I hardly drink at all. I’ve had two gins since NY! I stopped drinking at home when DH did to support him. It just broke the habit entirely.

A guy I work with gave it up for lent 30 odd years ago, then extended it another year from Christmas to lent & hasn't drank since

I may or may not I just hate the culture in Ireland where it's assumed if you're not drinking you're pregnant

I'm just disappointed. I guess both dh and myself enjoy hers and her dh's company

Tell her this and that you feel hurt and press her for reasons? If you're planning on going out as a foursome, she may feel awkward about everyone drinking when you're not. Perhaps she feels judged (through no fault of your own).

If she is a heavy drinker it can be difficult to be reminded of that. It's easier to socialise with partners in crime who enable you to drink and make it feel acceptable.
Someone newly sober can be a harsh reminder of your own vice.

It's awful but it happens. DH stopped drinking two years ago and we quite often get excluded from things....friends had a New Year party and didn't invite us because "we thought you wouldn't want to because of all the drink"

People think you're sitting in silent judgement of them as they drink.

There are some people who take other people's non-drinking as a personal affront to themselves.
I've seen it in action, with both drinking and smoking - a friend of mine was trying to give up smoking, and I stopped drinking for a while, and the number of "friends" who would say "ah go on, one won't hurt you, why won't you just have one? it's sociable to have one, go on, join us, you're making us feel bad with our wicked habits!"

And they really think like that.
I suspect she's one of those - she may really think that you not-drinking is making you feel superior to her, and she wants none of it.

It's a shame, but she won't change her mind easily if she's so wrapped up in drinking culture and so against non-drinkers, so you'll need to find other friends.

Or you can offer to be designated driver, but in all honesty I'd be wary - in the situations I was in with myself and others trying to cut down on drinking, I've seen "friends" trying to tip a vodka into an orange juice as a "joke".

We're meant to do an afternoon tea with our dds maybe I could broach the subject again then out of the work environment

I'd tell her that you might drink, you might not - you'll see how you feel on the night.

Then on the night don't drink. Don't make a big deal of it, just don't drink. Then at the end of the night ask her (in front of your DHs) if she had a good time, if your not drinking affected her evening in anyway. Then point out that next time there is no need for her to say she's not coming unless you agree to drink

well this is ridiculous! you shouldn't be victimised for not drinking! some friend. my other half doesn't drink and often gets a lot of banter but this is absurd. sorry to hear.