To be peeved with my friend

[mammymammyIRL]

My friend & work colleague and I are quite close working together for 10 years, our dc are similar ages and our dhs get along too. We've had a few occasions over the years where we've gone out together for nights out. We planned to do same this year maybe involving staying overnight somewhere.
This year I've decided not to drink alcohol for health reasons & personal reasons.

I attempted to arrange a mutually suitable date earlier this week & she said no, she wouldn't be going out with us until I was back drinking alcohol, I thought she was joking so I again attempted to arrange a date & she said I wouldn't go on a night out with a pioneer at all.
She said we can arrange something when you're back drinking. I might never go back to taking a drink, and I might who knows.
AIBU to be upset/peeved/disappointed/bewildered at this reaction?

Death stare I think she'd see through that, we are the only female colleagues in a small office, we know more about each other than our husbands do I'd say

That's interesting, SarahJ - and would tie in with my experience too - the "friends" who refused to support my non-drinking turned into very heavy drinkers themselves (although I don't stay in touch with them now so don't know if they're actual alcoholics)

Sarah would you recommend the book?

For me it went the other way. We had to put a friendship with another family ‘on hold’ when I was not drinking (I’m back drinking now, but in strict moderation).

It was all they could talk about when we were out together. The husband would think it was soooo funny to come back with a round of drinks and entreat me to ‘guess which was mine’ and make bets with me about how long I’d last.

I finally had enough when a kind woman at a neighbouring table told me she thought they’d put some alcohol in my ginger ale while I was at the loo.

Just try coming off the booze in Australia, instant pariah status.

Well done, by the way. You can sometimes tell what an important and difficult thing you’re doing by how uncomfortable it makes other people!

I suspect that your not drinking is possibly making her face up to the fact that she might be drinking too much, and that knowledge is making her feel rather uncomfortable...

It's hard if everyone is drinking a lot bar one. If we're all drunk together, fine. Similarly if everyone is sober, or only has a couple, also fine. But if everyone else is drunk except me I find them all boring! Nothing worse than a load of drunks when you're stone cold sober. So she might feel self conscious if you're sober and she's not. (Or maybe she thinks you were a bit dull at her big bash 😁). Why not do something during the day instead?

Whiterose we both have young dc so during the day wouldn't work.

I think it’s a bit weird that you made it an entire announcement and everything about not drinking

Don’t normal people just switch to a non-alcoholic drink without needing to announce to everyone that they they are not drinking alcohol When I meet a friend in a pub, I might ask if she/he wants to share a bottle of wine and be told oh no thanks, I’m going to stick to soda (and there may or may not be a “because” after). I order by the glass instead. Subject dropped. My friends don’t announce to me that yes, I can meet you at the pub but I will not be drinking alcohol. if they did, I may just think WTF and tell them another time, then.

I've had nothing so bad since I stopped drinking due to alcoholism but a number of people have tried to convince me that I didn't really have a problem with alcohol, which I don't appreciate.

Going a bit against the grain here.

DH & I like a few drinks if we go out of an evening - we are definitely not alcoholics and don't have a problem with alcohol, it's just a treat as we don't get out too much! We have friends who were the same until one day they announced they weren't drinking alcohol anymore (turned out it was for TTC but they didn't tell us that initially). Difference was they (particularly she) were very judgy about it and I could smell the disapproval if I ordered a glass of wine which was awkward. Tbh it's also not the same when half the party isn't drinking. We started suggesting doing non alcohol related things with them like bowling or days out (with kids). The other difference is that we also didn't announce we didn't want to go to the pub with them because they weren't drinking.

Shifty I suppose it just happened like that as I set myself a goal of doing everything in my power to lose the excess weight and I've made lots of changes over the past few years eg wheat free and am now doing rhfitness & following a macro based diet & noticed a pattern of weight gain following any occasion involving alcohol and decided to get out of my own way as it were and make this extra effort.

I am definitely not judgemental towards people who drink as I love to have a drink myself.

I'm not one to go home at 11pm because everyone's drunk & I'm sober, I will stay out until last orders because I'm having fun with everyone

Our dhs wouldn't be ones for joint days out with the dc and it was meant to be a night that they'd get to have together too, they would never meet up just the two of them for pints

The point, OP, is that you obviously announced it instead of just ordering a non-alcoholic drink when you were already out and making it into the non-issue it is. Do you discuss your macro based diet a lot with her too? Is she interested?

Maybe for your friend, a night out from the kids involves sharing a bottle of wine and gossiping. If you no longer wish to do that, she can chose to do that with another friend. Is it just that she doesn’t want to do a couples’ night out in pub with you or is she refusing to meet up with you socially for a coffee too?

I imagine since you work together, she doesn’t necessarily feel the need to catch up with you over a coffee as you could do that on your breaks or have lunch together.

Maybe for your friend, a night out from the kids involves sharing a bottle of wine and gossiping. If you no longer wish to do that, she can chose to do that with another friend
That's how I felt when my friend stopped drinking and, although I was a bit disappointed, I started inviting her to do different things and drank wine with other friends. I'm actually surprised you're so keen to go on a night away and spend it in a drinking establishment. My friend started to not want to go in pubs, complaining about them being noisy, crowded etc, things you perhaps notice less when you're drinking. Has anyone actually suggested doing something that isn't centred around drinking? If it must be a night away, what about something like a spa break if the blokes would enjoy that? It's a shame the DHs don't want to do a day out with kids, especially if the kids are similar ages and get on well. I used to enjoy doing that and found the DC were much better behaved when out with another family

Shifty she is the type that needs to micromanage every occasion so leaving out a detail like that would be a lot worse than mentioning it beforehand.

Shaddy I thought we'd take both of our dc to lunch out rather than afternoon tea but she won't take her little boy so therefore mine isn't welcome either.
I enjoy a night out for the music in a venue too

Tell me about it! Many of my closest friends are people I work with and during the working day we can laugh until we cry during our breaks. I have told everyone I am doing a dry February and TWO friends - one is also a work colleague and one is a neighbour - have rolled their eyes and said similar. I wouldn't mind but they have BOTH done dry January for many years and I wouldn't dream of making derogatory comments!

Thank god none of my friends are in the least bit bothered that I very rarely drink.

If drink is the principal reason they get together with you I'd be re-evaluating the friendship.

Oh. And are you only supposed to enjoy a night in the pub with friends if you're drinking alcohol?

It's not for the conversation or anything, then?

“Oh. And are you only supposed to enjoy a night in the pub with friends if you're drinking alcohol?

It's not for the conversation or anything, then.”

Well you can enjoy a conversation in many quieter venues. Why would you chose a venue that caters to serving alcoholic beverages and specifically abstaining? Do you go to restaurants and only order a drink, abstaining from food because you’re dietinf?

If you don't want to eat, where do you go out in the evening? You don't sit in cafes - they're closed. And pubs do serve soft drinks too...

Restaurants serve food that suits dieters too.

My sil is like this. I mentioned one day that I was cutting back . She took a bottle of wine to my house that afternoon and I felt bad saying no ,so I had a glass with her . I think she doesn't want to feel like her drinking is out of control and if I'm not drinking she would feel like it was.