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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your help and reassurance ?

31 replies

mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 14:45

My toddler is 2 and a bit now, and has taken to hitting, and scratching any child who comes within half a metre of him as I think he believes it's invading his space and they will do something to him.
It's fucking well infurriaing , getting complaints from management at softplays etc , I want to throttle him every time it happens.

This was never a problem years ago, if you were hit you just hit back , in a sort of Lord of the Flies situation. I wish kids were left to
Sort things out between themselves.

What can I do about this? We do time out, we tell him not to hit etc.
I have a lot going on and this is just adding to the pressure. HELP.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 16/02/2018 14:47

You think he should just be allowed to hit and let the other kid hit back?

YAVU.

needmysleep75 · 16/02/2018 14:49

Is it just other children or is he like it with adults too? Is there any medical/SEN reason for it? Has something happened to him to make him think they are going to do something to him?
Without knowing the above you won't get any reasonable help on here

Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 14:51

He is only like it with kids he doesn't know. Doesn't do it to adults or his friends, doesn't do it at nursery either.
No SEN, his dad has ADHD, but he doesn't show any signs of that.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 16/02/2018 14:52

Maybe soft play is too overwhelming for him at the moment. Socialise in smaller quieter places. He needs an immediate short sanction at the time. Scoop him up and take him away from the play area. Two year olds will never be able to sort it out between themselves though.

Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 14:52

He has a lot of emotional disruption going on in his home life but I can't do anything about that. Maybe that has triggered it ? I don't know. He isn't biting.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 14:57

I really hope this is a phase.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 16/02/2018 14:58

Why can't you address the emotional disruption?

Thistlebelle · 16/02/2018 14:58

Tell him before going in that if he hits or hurts another child you will
Immediately take him home.

Remind him before he steps into soft play.

And then follow through.

He’ll learn but you need to be firm
and consistent.

needmysleep75 · 16/02/2018 15:00

So he only does it at soft play? In that case I would suggest not taking him there for a while. If he's not doing it at nursery then its something triggering him in that environment. Try taking him to a local park when its quiet and then building it up in terms of going when its a bit busier. If he does react to any child like a PP said immediately remove him. He's only 2 he just needs to learn.

Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 15:01

@scurryfunge if I could just euthanise at the drop of a hat I would but that will be a little tricky!
His father is increasingly useless at seeing him, contact has halved so he isn't helping whatsoever.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 16/02/2018 15:08

He is probably feeling insecure then if his father is pretty useless.

Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 15:10

Well this is very recent and he reduced contact back in September (just told me he had a new job so was halving contact even though it's court ordered ) Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 15:10

Whatever it is I am fucking fed up of it.

OP posts:
FloydWasACat · 16/02/2018 15:13

'Euthanise'? Really? This has to be a wind-up

SilverySurfer · 16/02/2018 15:15

Do you remove him from softplay if he behaves in this way? He may learn not to do it if you warn him before going in that hitting and scratching other children will result in him being taken home immediately. And follow through if he misbehaves.

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/02/2018 15:22

Euthanise'? Really? This has to be a wind-up

I took that to mean the OP has a dying relative at home creating the stress on them all.

Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 15:23

@FloydWasACat I was asked if I could sort out the emotional disruption, completely impossible as it's a terminal illness. Very hard for all of us.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 16/02/2018 15:25

He could be acting out over that OP, they pick up on emotion.

I'm sorry you are going through that x

Original poster
mrsdoublebarrel · 16/02/2018 15:48

Quite possibly @Blackteadrinker77
I'm going to try and get a child psychologist and a family worker , and see if that helps.

OP posts:
Squirrelonwheels · 17/02/2018 07:47

Sorry to hear this - I think lots of toddlers go through this kind of thing but it's exacerbated if something is going on at home (new sibling/house move/change of nursery etc) - it doesnt really matter what it is, they don't have the capacity to process it rationally in the way that an adult would, so their emotional reaction is extreme. Seeing your child hit is really tough but I think as long as you keep reinforcing the message that that's not ok then he'll get it. Agree with others that perhaps avoiding soft play for a bit is a good idea. Good luck.

MsJaneAusten · 17/02/2018 07:59

Are you trailing him at soft play? Or just leaving him to it? My older ds was a biter/fighter, but I trailed him round and took him off if he hit anyone. If he did it again, I took him home.

My younger ds is the most placid child you could imagine so I leave him to it at soft play.

I guess what I’m saying is that people are less likely to complain if you are actively trying to deal with it. Don’t take him to soft play and ignore him. If you need downtime, try the cinema or a bench in a wide open park where he can run around a lot.

wowbutter · 17/02/2018 08:16

Okay, this is ridiculous, I don't understand why you are so angry.

When your toddler lashes out at soft play and the like, what do you do? How do you react?
You need to establish a script and a course of action, and do it every single time he hurts someone. You tell him no, move him away, make him say sorry, remove a sticker, god knows. But you need to elide what you are going to do and do it! If you dislike the idea of punishment, introduce a reward system every time he is kind to a child at these venues? Show him what you mean by kind. Show him how to play with strangers.

With regard to the terminal illness and lack of contact, you need to be putting the child's needs first, regardless of what that means. If dad isn't sticking to contact, you stop it. You don't tell the child daddy is coming and allow him t be let down. You agree to meet at a neutral venue the toddler would enjoy, if he doesn't turn up, you hide that from the child.

I don't know who had the illness so can't comment on that. But you sound as if you have given up s bit. Do you need some support?

humblesims · 17/02/2018 08:24
  • I wish kids were left to Sort things out between themselves* Youre thinking of dogs. Kids dont sort themselves out, thats why they have parents. Confused
Pengggwn · 17/02/2018 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MincemeatTart · 17/02/2018 08:29

Exactly what wowbutter says.
No use getting infuriated. You need to parent effectively. As soon as he lashes out remove him to sit quietly somewhere with a very firm “No, don’t hit”. Tell him he can return to play but if he hits again you go home. If he does hit out again, go home.
Emotional turbulence is maybe exacerbating a situation but doesn’t mean they should be allowed to misbehave.

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