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Original poster

To move our family of 4 in with my parents??

70 replies

exitbreak · 16/02/2018 07:07

We have recently found out that our landlord is going to be selling the property that we currently live in. We are not in a position to buy at the moment. Buying is our long term goal however trying to save for a deposit is nigh on impossible when about 50% of our income goes on rent and household bills before food and other essentials.

Suitable rental properties are difficult to come by in my area and go very fast. DCs are 2 and 5 and eldest starts school this year. Even more difficult to find houses in his school catchment area.

DH is viewing a property today however it is quite a bit more than we're paying just now and also a higher council tax band so more output and giving us less to save.

My mum and dad live 15 minutes away from us. When DS's school place is accepted that's him in anyway so can still go to that school. They have a 3 bedroom house. They have said they would take us in.

Pros:

  • save lots of money in short space of time
  • company for my parents and me as DH works long hours

Can't think of much more!

Cons:

  • moving in with parents!
  • very different people, they don't go out or drink
  • we used to not get on that well but we've all mellowed a bit
  • lack of privacy
  • all the usual house sharing stuff
  • I don't drive so further away from people I know and a bit longer commute to work which is already 1.5hrs each way
  • my dad would have to take eldest to school and do pick up when DH was working though they currently watch the kids 2 days a week

Also my mum is unwell and going through tests just now but I think me being there would help with the burden on my dad in terms of he has to do everything in the house and he had a stroke last year.

DH suggested we possibly get something lower priced to rent per month and just put up with it but then we'd be staying somewhere not very nice for longer as longer to save.

Please help!

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/02/2018 08:02

No way would I put everyone through that.

Find the cheapest rental you ca, cut back on everything you can, see what ‘first time buyers’ deals you can find & work towards meeting the criteria.

There’s no price you can put on sanity.

SmashedMug · 16/02/2018 08:04

No way. The potential strain on your relationships all round etc is too much of a risk I think.

chocatoo · 16/02/2018 08:07

Unless for a medical reason, I would urge you to learn to drive. Relying on people for lifts puts an added strain on things. I know you are saving for house but it will open up areas where you can look.

ceecee32 · 16/02/2018 08:08

If your parents are anything like mine they will do things for you because they love you. They will not think of the impact on their lives.
They are not in the best of heath and there comes a time in YOUR life that you have to put their needs above yours.
Do not move in. Ill health means that they need time and peace to recover

Mulberry72 · 16/02/2018 08:12

I wouldn’t do it. Absolutely not.

shinysinkredemption · 16/02/2018 08:12

Chugalug unless your DD has a 2 and 5 yo and is expecting you to do the school run and child care while you and your partner struggle with health issues, I'd say it's not a comparable situation.

Original poster
exitbreak · 16/02/2018 08:14

Thanks for your input so far.

This has literally just been sprung on us and only thought of moving in with my parents last night so have not had time to properly go into details and practicalities. We are thinking of every possible scenario there is.

In terms of my DH not wanting to, that's not the case, we are trying to come up with lots of ideas to see which are feasible.

I'm at work so won't be able to reply right away.

OP posts:
TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 16/02/2018 08:14

Absolutely no. Your DH doesn't want to which is reason enough, but your point about not having got on in the past but everyone has "mellowed" now, screams disaster. That's before we get into the fact that your Dad has had a stroke and your Mum is poorly.

A family member did this and it lasted 9 months before they moved out - which included 2 months of house-hunting for a rental. However the recriminations and fall-out lasted for years.

Gazelda · 16/02/2018 08:15

Your DH doesn't want to.
You have a difficult history with DP.
Your DF has had a stroke
Your DM is undergoing tests and is in poor health.
Your commute will be longer (and more costly).
Your DF will need to do more pick ups.
You have different living styles.

Don't do it!

Move to a smaller property. You might find that if you Budget like a demon for 6-12 months you'll be able to move sooner than you think.

uthredswife · 16/02/2018 08:17

We did it with children the same age. One thing that helped us was my parents have 2 living rooms so we could sit and watch TV whatever separate in the evening.

One really important thing though is we put an end date on it. We moved in in May and promised that if we hadn't saved a deposit and bought a house in 12 months we'd move back to rental. We over stayed by 1 month but that was only to finish refurbishing the house we bought.

The positives where we saved fast and my kids are very close to my parents now.

The negative is I spent a lot of time trying to control my kids behavior etc early in the mornings so they wouldn't disturb my parents.

I have a good relationship with my parents though and they are supportive and kind. They wanted to support us and that's how they could do it. I would and will do the same for my kids.

Overall it was a success and worth doing.

pinkdelight · 16/02/2018 08:18

It sounds like you can't really afford to live in that area. Is there a reason you can't move closer to your work if it's 1.5 hours away and you can't drive? Are there more affordable housing options there? It sounds like your strategy is about getting your dc in a particular school but there are lots of schools and it doesn't sound like you can feasibly rent or buy close to that one without moving in with your parents, which should only be an absolute last resort the way you've described it. Have you looked further afield at cheaper areas with other schools?

Iceskatingsnake · 16/02/2018 08:22

It’s a no from me. For all the reasons gazelda gives.

NewYearSunshine · 16/02/2018 08:22

Don't do it!!!!
We have a great relationship with my parents and moved into their large house for 10 months while we renovated a house very close to them. It was the only way we could afford to move closer to them and it was a move we all wanted. It was the hardest 10 months ever, we had a separate living room and lots of space but it still wasn't enough. We have a fantastic relationship as long as we are not 24/7 under the same roof.
Your parents have health issues and your relationship is already under some strain - it would be crazy to move in with them.
Learn to drive so you open up your options further, look at cheaper areas.

ReelingLush18 · 16/02/2018 08:25

I think if you were a child-free couple, OP, it might be just about doable With young children it really is a no-no particularly if your parents aren't in the best of health.

A three bedroom house is not large enough to accommodate four adults and two children IMO (we can't accommodate 2As 2Cs comfortably in ours). Maybe if it was a mansion and you could lose yourselves for most of the time but that just won't be possible in such a small space.

meandmytinfoilhat · 16/02/2018 08:27

Your parents have discussed this and have then approached you about it.

I think it's something to seriously consider OP but I would speak to your parents about it further bringing up your mums current health and your dads recovery and see if this is something that will work.

It could be short term allowing you and your DH to save to buy your own property.

HuskyMcClusky · 16/02/2018 08:30

No way would I do this. For all the reasons others have covered.

RadioGaGoo · 16/02/2018 08:31

Currently living with IL with DH and DS whilst we wait for a house sale to complete (five months so far....). It's actually been really great. I'm on maternity leave and FIL is retired. DS and FIL are thick as thieves. I'm basically just there to feed and nappy change! My MIL and I have a really great relationship and she does enjoying coming home to both her DS and her DG (and me, I'd like to think!). Luckily both PIL are very fit and able and it's worked out well as I do most of the cooking and help out with the cleaning, so MIL comes home from work and relaxes more with FIL. DS goes to bed a half hour after she comes home, so she still has her evening downtime. Both of them are deaf as a doorposts as they don't hear the nightfeeds (although DS is pretty quiet), so everything has worked out well. I go back to work next month and DS goes to nursery. We are hoping to be in our own house by then, but it will be interesting to see how we all cope with the changes if not!

supersop60 · 16/02/2018 08:34

Your parents have said it's ok, but I don't think they have thought it through. The impact on all of you will be huge.
My dsis had her DD, DD's Dp and Gd to live with her while they were in between rentals. It nearly drove her mad - washing everywhere, the kitchen in constant use, the two adults bickering, disagreements over the tv, being used more than usual as a babysitter, etc. She was too generous with the rent, and it didn't cover her extra bills.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 16/02/2018 08:44

I think it really depends - we lived with my PIL for a year, and it was fine - we all respected when the others needed some space without us, DS really got to know and love his grandparents - it was no problem (although we were ready to move out when we did).

On the other hand, I don't think we could live with my parents, because we're just too different - our family needs space sometimes, and my parents pretty much want to hang out together and chat all the time.

MacaroniPenguin · 16/02/2018 08:58

I think you should consider moving areas tbh. That'll make it easier to get on the housing ladder and could help your commute too. You have a window before the youngest starts school - getting them in on being in catchment in your new place will probably send the eldest high up the waiting list on sibling link.

I'd sooner have 4 in a 1 bed flat in a cheap area while we save up than live with parents but that's personal choice. It doesn't sound like it would easy in your family set up to be honest.

If you do it, set some limits, eg decide to stay only a year, make an effort to take the kids out together at the weekends & hols to give your parents a bit of space. Take up camping maybe!

There is a lot of potential for resentment to build, especially if it would be obliging your dad to do school runs on top. He prob thinks it'll be no bother now but the reality when it clashes with whatever activities he's into may be different.

purpleviolet1 · 16/02/2018 09:11

I would do it with the promise that if it starts to cause bad feelings you will move out ASAP. Even if you manage to stay for 3 months that's 3 months saved.

Somerville · 16/02/2018 09:16

How kind of your parents.

Depends how keen your parents are on whether you should do it. If they are enthusiastic then it's worth considering, or perhaps even going ahead with for a trial period - it would at least give you a few weeks breathing space if you can't find another rental by the time you need to be out of yours.

However if you get any impression that your parents are offering it because they feel they should, but are hoping you say no because it will be too hard on them, then thank them very nicely, but don't do it.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/02/2018 09:25

I would only do this if I had literally no other options and I do actually have a good relationship with my parents.

It's a massive change for your DPs to go from having an empty nest to having young dc living there again and it's easy to underestimate how stressful normal small dc behaviour can be for people who have become used to a quiet, peaceful (tidy) home now that it's just them.

For you and DH you have the difficulty that comes with living under someone else's roof and trying to live and parent how you want while at the same time trying to be considerate of your aging (and not in the fullest of their health) parents.

Cuppaoftea · 16/02/2018 09:51

If you were in a position to buy now and it was a question of moving in with your parents for a few months max while the house sale went through then maybe.

But this sounds longer term than that. Presumably you'd be paying to cover all utility bills for your family at your parents as well as food and other normal expenses so it would still take you some time to save.

Relying on your Dad for school runs isn't acceptable considering his health and existing caring duties for your Mum so you'd need to factor in additional childcare costs.

Your DH has the right idea, look for a cheaper rental. Consider other areas where you might be able to buy sooner. Now's a good time before your DCs are settled in a particular school.

Original poster
exitbreak · 16/02/2018 11:08

I haven't had a chance to read all replies as just quickly answering a couple of things while on a break at work.

We have looked at rentals elsewhere however I am very much tied to certain areas for being able to commute.

Plus the rental market on the surrounding areas we love at horrendous. It took us 2 years to find the house we are currently in. Another example there is not one house to rent in the town my parents live in currently.

I am not basing everything on my DC's school either. Some of the catchment areas have terrible schools. We currently live very close to family. My DC has been going to nursery at this school and his cousin is also there who is his best friend.

I don't want to uproot him before he starts school especially when this could happen again in another property. I can't keep moving him to different schools Sad

OP posts: