Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Unreasonable behaviour by OH

44 replies

Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 06:57

OH & I are having a lot of relationship problems. A lot of the issues seem to centre around arguments in the car. I hate the way OH drives- I think he is an aggressive driver and is unsafe and have asked him to moderate his driving when me & the DCs are in the car but he doesn’t seem to be able to control himself and yesterday there were at least 4 incidents that I thought were risky and left me scared but he just shouts at me. In the end I lost it with him and we ended up having a terrible screaming match in front of the kids of which I am ashamed and they were scared and upset.
We have stayed at a hotel overnight as it’s half term & in the middle of the night, I asked OH to stop snoring & again he flipped out, started swearing & ranting, woke up the kids & in the end he spent the night in the car!
It feels like every time we do something out of our daily routine, it high lights the serious issues in our relationship. I’ve had enough but I feel like his car behaviour was totally unreasonable in terms of driving irresponsibly (but then my flip out was unreasonable too).
AIBU to expect him to control his driving behaviour if I have asked him literally countless times?
I know IWU to flip out but i’ve had enough

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 16/02/2018 07:01

He needs to control more than just his driving behaviour! Nasty shit.
Feel sorry for the kids.

CherryMaDeary · 16/02/2018 07:02

You both sound like angry people and could do with counselling.

What is the point in asking him to stop snoring in the middle of the night? It's not like he can do anything about it then, especially in a hotel room?

Can you drive? I would refuse to get in a car with him unless he understands he needs to drive safely and without aggression.

LoniceraJaponica · 16/02/2018 07:02

Do you drive?
If you don't I can understand why he would be irritated because you aren't qualified to criticise. If you do why don't you drive?

Re the snoring, OH's snoring was so bad that he kept stopping breathing, and he now has a CPAP machine. Is he overweight? Losing weight would be the first thing a doctor would advise.

Original poster

Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:04

I do drive and did drive yesterday, partly because I feel safer when I drive as I am calmer on the roads. We normally share the driving.
I am not an angry person but feel at the end of my tether with all of this.

OP posts:

Psychobabble123 · 16/02/2018 07:06

Yes why shout about snoring?! He isn't choosing to do it!

If you really think his driving is dangerous, talk to him outside of the car. Criticising a driver whilst driving is infuriating to the driver and won't get you very far. Talk calmly before going somewhere. Perhaps learn to drive yourself too so that you hqve other options.

YouTheCat · 16/02/2018 07:06

Because not driving means you have no idea what dangerous driving looks like.

I can't drive but I know when someone is being dangerous and aggressive.

YouTheCat · 16/02/2018 07:09

OP didn't shout about the snoring, she asked him to stop. He did the shouting.

It sounds exhausting, OP.

Original poster

Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:09

With the snoring, I just ask him to roll over as it helps and I had literally had no sleep at all. I just feel like he over reacts to everything and it’s all so toxic and horrible for the kids. I feel really bad about it all.

OP posts:

Psychobabble123 · 16/02/2018 07:10

I'm not saying you don't know what it looks like! I'm saying as a driver, its really, really annoying when passengers critique driving, be it good or bad! I drive, hate it when DH comments and vice versa. That's why its better to talk about it when away from yhe situation so he's more likely to listen and not just get his back up.

ByTheBlueBay · 16/02/2018 07:11

Can you give examples of the driving OP, you're being too vague at mo! I suspect YABU. I hate backseat driving. You had an argument and because of that you decided to carry it on an be spiteful by waking him up knowing full well that snoring is uncontrollable.

Snowbelled · 16/02/2018 07:12

Of course you can ask someone to stop snoring. I did twice last night to DH. He usually moves position and stops. He would not shout at me. You need to get some counselling. If you can't sort it out then best for kids to be apart. He sounds aggressive.

Psychobabble123 · 16/02/2018 07:14

Is he stressed do you think? Often stressed people can take suggestions and comments from others as criticism which they then react disproportionatly to, because they feel it as a personal attack. How is work for him? Is home life stressful? Me and DH can be snappy, we work 50 hr weeks in really demanding jobs and have 3 young kids, so have very little "down" time. We try to get time as a couple once a month or so which helps.

chestylarue52 · 16/02/2018 07:14

I agree that backseat driving is annoying.

However I think in any loving relationship the statement ‘you are making me feel unsafe’ should be met with concern not anger.

Original poster

Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:15

Ok, one example was on the motorway he borderline tailgates and yesterday the car in front breaked and we only just had enough braking time. It’s dangerous driving. Or he didn’t give enough space for a car to come on to the motorway and if we hadn’t quickly changed lanes, again there was literally no margin to stop and we would have crashed into them.
It’s not back seat driving, it’s fucking risky dangerous driving.

OP posts:

DayKay · 16/02/2018 07:15

Is he generally an angry person?
Does he always drive in an aggressive manner? Does he even realise his driving is aggressive?

He needs to sort out those issues. Have a chat when you’re both a bit calmer and tell him what you find scary about his driving.
Ask him to think about what could help him drive more calmly. Maybe some calming music? Chewing gum?

If he’s generally quick to get angry then he needs to address that.

Original poster

Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:17

And yes @chesty that is my point- I should be able to say I feel unsafe and he should take it on board and listen to me

OP posts:

BiologyMatters · 16/02/2018 07:17

If you feel bad about what you're putting your kids through then do something about it.

Original poster

Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:19

@daykay yes, he’s an angry person- he never used to be but it’s got worse and worse

OP posts:

Psychobabble123 · 16/02/2018 07:21

If he has changed it strongly suggests to me that he is suffering with stress, and he needs to access help for this. If he doesn't you relationship will continue to suffer. What does he do for a living? Do you work too? How much time do you get away from the children to de-stress each??

CherryMaDeary · 16/02/2018 07:21

With the snoring, I just ask him to roll over as it helps

Well, that's a bit dfferent to telling him to stop snoring.

It does sound toxic amd if he's not willing to address it, what else can you do apart from leave? Your priority has to be the children.

headhurtstoomuch · 16/02/2018 07:22

How long has your husband been driving for? If it’s been quite a while / years then perhaps you should be a bit more reasonable that he knows what’s he’s doing.

Are you a particularly cautious driver? You sound it to be honest and if it stresses you out that much perhaps take over the driving when you are all in the car? I do all the driving as my husband is like a child and wants to falls asleep as soon as he sits in a car 🙄

jessei · 16/02/2018 07:22

I would refuse to get in the car or let the kids in the car till he realises how stupid he's being when driving.
Is it that he doesn't realise it's dangerous?
Or does he have no respect for his families safety?
Either way I wouldn't let him drive me anywhere till he sorts himself out.

Psychobabble123 · 16/02/2018 07:23

Hang on, in Jan you were asking for advice on where to rent in Brighton, and in that thread said you were a single parent?!

DayKay · 16/02/2018 07:25

Hopefully he can be calm too. You really need to have a serious talk about this. Tell him how this is affecting his family and it’s not right.
What’s making him angry now? Is it stress? He needs to find ways to deal with this anger. He also needs an outlet to help him deal with stress. Like a sport or an activity like running or cycling.

BackInTheRoom · 16/02/2018 07:27

My STBXH was like this. It's a red flag in my book. He was generally aggressive and yes his got worse. Analysing it now, he was irritable and it got worse over time. I think because he was a conflict avoider, he took his pent up aggression out on his driving, a chance to be in control? Does this make sense OP?

Flip

1 2