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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unreasonable behaviour by OH

44 replies

Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 06:57

OH & I are having a lot of relationship problems. A lot of the issues seem to centre around arguments in the car. I hate the way OH drives- I think he is an aggressive driver and is unsafe and have asked him to moderate his driving when me & the DCs are in the car but he doesn’t seem to be able to control himself and yesterday there were at least 4 incidents that I thought were risky and left me scared but he just shouts at me. In the end I lost it with him and we ended up having a terrible screaming match in front of the kids of which I am ashamed and they were scared and upset.
We have stayed at a hotel overnight as it’s half term & in the middle of the night, I asked OH to stop snoring & again he flipped out, started swearing & ranting, woke up the kids & in the end he spent the night in the car!
It feels like every time we do something out of our daily routine, it high lights the serious issues in our relationship. I’ve had enough but I feel like his car behaviour was totally unreasonable in terms of driving irresponsibly (but then my flip out was unreasonable too).
AIBU to expect him to control his driving behaviour if I have asked him literally countless times?
I know IWU to flip out but i’ve had enough

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 16/02/2018 07:27

With regards to allowing the car onto the motorway, I was under the impression that whilst it is good practice to move over to allow cars on, a slip road is a give way and the approaching car must be prepared to slow down and moderate driving in order to enter the motorway safely, it's not the responsibility of those on the motorway to move. So, your DH didn't do anything wrong there.

Happy to be proved wrong though.

Original poster
Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:28

@psychobabble that’s because things are very up and down at the moment

OP posts:
Rainboho · 16/02/2018 07:28

All these posters who are blaming the OP and concentrating on the driving are missing the point. The OP has said he is scaring her when he drives and he doesn’t give a shit.

This sort of driving and purposely increasing my anxiety is one of the reasons I left ex-DH. It was a symptom of his wider attitude to me.

DP never ever frightens me with this driving. I trust him completely. He is also widely respectful of me.

Psychobabble123 · 16/02/2018 07:29

Lady you are absolutely correct, cars joining the motorway should match their speed with the traffic and merge when safe to do so, the other cars have no obligation to move for them like you do on a dual carriageway.

Psychobabble123 · 16/02/2018 07:30

Ahhh ok. So re the stress, what is his work/life balance like and how is yours?

shinysinkredemption · 16/02/2018 07:30

The solution to the driving thing is simple, get him to agree that you'll do all the driving. Would this work?

Ickyockycocky · 16/02/2018 07:34

He should be driving safely, not just because you’re asking. Dangerous driving kills innocent people. I would refuse to be in the car with him and I wouldn’t let him drive the children. He sounds totally irresponsible.

I’m married to a snorer and I know the torture it inflicts on a partner. We sleep in separate rooms.

DayKay · 16/02/2018 07:35

He sounds like a crap driver. Tailgating, not leaving breaking room, unaware of traffic joining the motorway. But he probably thinks he’s a great driver.

Original poster
Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:36

@psychobabble and I also change some basic things when posting on here so as not be outed as some friends are on here & to be unrecognisable but still get advice. But in this case, the facts are all true. We both work full time but work life balance ok

OP posts:
pilates · 16/02/2018 07:36

One of my pet hates is tailgating and so I would be the same as you op. He sounds like he needs some anger management and I would be expecting him to do this if he wanted to continue with the relationship. It is not a nice environment for your children to be brought up in.

Ickyockycocky · 16/02/2018 07:43

get him to agree

I’d be fucking telling him, forget getting him to agree....

shinysinkredemption · 16/02/2018 07:46

Grin ickyocky it's a turn of phrase, the get not ask is 'fucking telling him'

Original poster
Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 07:57

@rainboho when I lost it with him yesterday (of which I am not proud in front of the kids) one of the things I said was about lack of respect for me & the kids

OP posts:
Lostin3dspace · 16/02/2018 07:59

What is the root of his dangerous driving? My ExH was an awful driver, and if we went somewhere together in the car he would do his best to make sure he was driving, even if it was MY car. And it was usually my car, because he was financially abusive and preferred to try and use my petrol....anyway, I digress.
In my ExH case, he wasn't so much aggressive, but arrogant. He thought he owned the road, that no-one but him had a right to be there, that anyone in front of him was 'going too slow' - he always had to overtake a car in front just because it meant that the car in front would otherwise 'get there before him'
Of course, he didn't own the road, and his annoyance and frustration at not being able to get somewhere on his own unhindered and unrealistic timetable was laughable.
One day (admittedly as our marriage was in the last year I would say, so I had little to lose) I said he ought to slow down and drive more reasonably because if he died in a car crash the life insurance would pay out and I'd own a house outright, could move away, never speak to his mother again, and everything would be bliss.... lo and behold, he started to calm down, but that's because money was his Achilles heel. What will work on your husband?

Shen0102 · 16/02/2018 08:02

youre not wrong at all OP to be feeling the way youre. However on your part, You shouldn't be starting an argument with someone who's trying as you're just Increasing their chances of them going off road and hitting a tree or something .

Try and Solve the problem rather than always bring it up as he obviously feels attacked. Drive yourself maybe & let him be the passenger when kids are around? Also Buy memory foam ear plugs and you won't hear the snoring.

Original poster
Movingon2018 · 16/02/2018 08:09

@lostinspace actually I think OH is arrogant in the car too. Everyone else is wrong and he is right. I have said that to him before

OP posts:
pictish · 16/02/2018 08:17

There is nothing more unattractive and infuriating than a selfish, ego-driven arsehole driving like a dick with kids in the car. It’s dangerous, frightening for passengers and a complete exercise in selfishness by the driver, particularly when the idiot persists in angrily and aggressively defending his shit when he is appealed to.
He’s a twat and I don’t know what you’re going to do about that.

Motoko · 16/02/2018 08:26

One day (admittedly as our marriage was in the last year I would say, so I had little to lose) I said he ought to slow down and drive more reasonably because if he died in a car crash the life insurance would pay out and I'd own a house outright, could move away, never speak to his mother again, and everything would be bliss.... lo and behold, he started to calm down, but that's because money was his Achilles heel.

Lost that was inspired! I bet he hadn't thought of that, and when you pointed it out to him, he thought "Shit! I don't want her getting my money."

agbnb · 16/02/2018 08:38

Your relationship sounds toxic for your kids - please get help.

I can't stress how much witnessing episodes like that affects children - years later scenes like that form my main memory of my parents. Damaging.

Get help, both of you (not saying yabu to have concerns, but you need a proper solution with DH than screaming matches)

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