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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate being told off about my driving by boyfriend that doesn't have a license?

46 replies

Orbita · 15/02/2018 22:46

Ok so I've had my license for 6 years now and yes after I moved to UK I didn't drive for nearly 3 years (except for the times I went back to my country). Never had a ticket, was never asked to stop, never hit anyone, never had a problem. No one ever corrected my driving, although I was so nervous about driving here for a few reasons: driving on the other side, lack of directions (IMO as an "outsider"), etc.

September last year we got a car and it's one of the reasons we fight the most. He doesn't have a drivers license so he took an exam so he could ride motorbikes and has been driving since May last year. A bit ahead of me when it comes to driving in UK then. It started with "you are driving so slowly" (bare in mind I had no classes here, so my confidence was a bit low and I was getting used to the difference). Even if the max is 50 and I'm 40 mph, he's already buffing that it's too slow and it's not good for the car... I mean 40 miles is already 65km so it's already a bit of speed for someone still adapting/learning the way around town.
Then he would warn me "the lights are red/green", "there's a car coming" which was driving me crazy and anxious about driving. It developed to correcting me (because he read the book so he knows it all) with comments like "did you even look to your left?", "don't forget to sign that you're turning". I'm not saying he's not right about a few small things but sometimes he's wrong and I know it but he's so freaking sure about it that I can't win! When it snowed, I was removing the snow off the top of the car and he said "you don't have to do that, it's ok", I argued but in the end I gave up and just got into the car. Turns out leaving the snow is really bad (which was common sense but coming from me it's not valid). He also tells me off about my parking because he doesn't understand car dimensions and thinks I can just leave or park with a wheel fully turned because there's loads of room and I won't obviously hit the car next to me. Or that I'm in between lanes (from where he's sitting it must look likeit but I can see the line next to me so I'm not in the middle of the road...).

There's been quite a few things that he has corrected me and was wrong, I have to look it up to show him and even then he doesn't apologize, he just picks on something else.
We had a fight about how to do a roundabout... imagine.

I got so sick of it that I told him I wasn't taking is dead ass anywhere and that he could ride his motorbike to work even if it's snowing. It's either I'm driving too fast or too slow, I either don't sign that I'm turning early enough or too early. It's also chocking that 3 seconds aren't enough of a notice for me to turn when taking his directions... Honestly it's always small things and that's why it's ridiculous because I feel like I'm being treated as a dumbass that doesn't know how to drive when in fact I'm the one that has passed the test, years ago! I already told him that if he wants a lift, he needs to keep his mouth shut and once he has passed his tests, he can try correcting me.

A few weeks in the cold/rain made him quiet when shopping so I started giving him a lift to work again (going at 9pm, picking him up at 6am...) and all ok until just now.

"do you even look at your right? don't you know that even if it's red for them you have to look? how do you know if a car is not speeding and heading to you?" jesus christ I didn't STARE at my right for a minute but I looked.

We had a big fight about it because ok, maybe I don't do everything exactly as in the book, but for god's sake my driving is good and defensive and he should be grateful that not only I'm taking him everywhere but I also wake up at 5 when I start work at 10 (and commute is just 15 minutes).
He says I'm being ignorant because I don't want to know how to drive correctly. I don't know what to do, I feel like having the damn drivers license is not enough to back me up and he's always fucking right about everything (even if only in his mind). I had my drivers exam years ago, yet I feel like I go through everything again everytime we drive together! I'm so tired...

Sorry about the rant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Orbita · 15/02/2018 22:48

I should add that I now feel fully confident about driving here, hence the fights.

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 15/02/2018 22:51

Ha Ha, tell him when he's passed his test and been driving as long as you have then he can pass comment.
Point out there is only one steering wheel in YOUR car, and you are the only one capable of steering it.
Don't give him any lifts, when he asks why, say well you don't seem to be able to relax whilst I'm driving, perhaps a taxi is better for you.
I have to ask though why haven't you said anything before, like the first time.

Glumglowworm · 15/02/2018 22:52

YANBU

I don’t drive. I have a policy of not criticising anyone else’s driving if they’re kind enough to be driving me somewhere!

I’d be telling him to shut up or you won’t be driving him places anymore

CougheeBean · 15/02/2018 22:52

Tell him to shut up or use his own transport. That’s what I told DP when he said “I’m going to be great at parallel parking when I can drive” while I struggled to wiggle into a tiny space - it worked

musicposy · 15/02/2018 22:53

He says I'm being ignorant because I don't want to know how to drive correctly.

Maybe point out that even if you did want to improve your skills, you wouldn't be taking advice from someone who hasn't passed a driving test!

Oh, and stop giving him lifts. He clearly isn't going to change on this.

mumpoints · 15/02/2018 22:54

He isn't called "Dave" is he?! This was an ex bf of mine years ago. He was the ultimate backseat driver. I wasn't a confident driver so put up with it but the first time he ever got in a car with my mum, who knew what he was like, she turned to him and said "One word and you are walking!" He didn't say a word and didn't last long after that as I learned a lesson too.

Stop giving him lifts OP. Tell him if he mentions your driving, he's out. That is the rule of your car. Put a sign up in the passenger seat to remind him.

Boulshired · 15/02/2018 22:56

I am no ones chauffeur, anybody comments then can bloody well walk.

Exiguous · 15/02/2018 23:02

"Shut the fuck up" seems like a reasonable response.

BringOnTheScience · 15/02/2018 23:03

Take the Advanced Driving Tet then tell him to take a running jump! www.roadar.org.uk/drivers/the-test.htm

SeniorRita · 15/02/2018 23:04

My ex used to try a bit of this. In the end, I just stopped driving. If I was driving, I'd find the next place to stop. Then he'd ask why we had stopped and I'd say because he was telling me how to drive. So either he stops, or he drives.

I've been driving many years, am pretty confident and drive far more than him. I've driven mostly on my own. With no one to tell me how to do it.

The worst was when he'd try to "guide me in" to a parking place or onto our drive. Again, I just used to stop and wait until he had stopped waving his arms around, and then just do what I wanted, ignoring him. I told him a million times that if I needed his help, I'd ask. I never asked.

One day we were visiting his parents and I was left in the room with just his dad and his dad started telling me how to drive and he was I ride the clutch too much etc. I've never driven his dad. So then I knew the wanker had been whining about my driving to his dad, who was a sexist old git at the best of times!

ApproachingATunnel · 15/02/2018 23:06

You know what? Next time he starts you find a safe spot to stop and tell him ‘get the fuck out of the car, NOW. I’ve had enough of you criticizing me, get the fuck out and WALK’. Do not move until he’s out. Even if he/you are late for something. He needs to shut up or drive/walk everywhere himself.

HildaZelda · 15/02/2018 23:08

Is your boyfriend my mother in law?

This is EXACTLY what she's like. She doesn't drive anymore (she gave it up about thirty years ago when she drove into a pier) but apparently was an absolute nightmare when she did. I'm 38 and have been driving since I was 17 (grew up in the middle of nowhere, had to learn, first car at 19) and passed my test almost 20 years ago.

I won't let her in my car anymore because she will actually cause an accident, screaming and shrieking for absolutely no reason other than that she's an attention seeking drama queen.

YANBU OP.

TooManyPaws · 15/02/2018 23:12

Tell him to shut the hell up or get out and walk.

Apparently even the Queen gets told that by Prince Philip.

MrsFionaCharming · 15/02/2018 23:15

My DP used to do this. He stopped after I pulled over, asked him to get out the car and check something, and then left him to walk home.

JustBeingJobless · 15/02/2018 23:16

I ejected an ex colleague from my car once for this kind of thing. I’ve been driving for 22 years, always had a car, never had an accident, no points on licence etc. I’m a bloody good driver, if I do say so myself!

He had a licence, as in passed when he was 18, but had never owned a car nor done any driving in the 20 years since. In an hour in the car, he reminded me to indicate, suggested (wrongly) that I change lanes, pointed out every single potential hazard that we passed, and explained what danger it may pose, and - the final straw - offered to park my car for me when we reached our destination as it was a small space and women are apparently no good at that! I told him in no uncertain terms to shut the fuck up, get out of my car, and start looking for the nearest bus stop as I wasn’t having him in my car ever again!

Original poster

Orbita · 15/02/2018 23:17

Oh thank you. I think I needed to read this so make sure I wasn't being ignorant or arrogant. I'm not one to let anyone get to me but having this voice in my head all the time, you kind of start doubting. He'll be walking or riding the bike for all I care.

BringOnTheScience I'll try that ahaha

OP posts:

Snowydaysarehere · 15/02/2018 23:17

Buy him a rug and tell him the boot is where he will be during the foreseeable journeys.
Twunt.

Stillme1 · 15/02/2018 23:39

It can only be a lack of their own confidence that makes people want to destroy another person's confidence. I had someone criticise my driving to the point where I was doubting myself. Someone decided to build my confidence back now I am back out driving again.
Drop the criticising person at the nearest convenient spot and drive away. Hopefully it will be pouring with rain and pitch black dark.

Trills · 15/02/2018 23:59

Is he this shit in other areas of your relationship?

PercyPigAddict · 16/02/2018 20:02

It's ALWAYS the ones who don't have a license who are the biggest critics. My theory is that they feel so threatened by your superior qualification that thay have to constantly nitpick to assert themselves

Original poster

Orbita · 17/02/2018 09:25

Trills No, he isn’t. He has corrected me in a few things as have I but nothing like this. I think that doubting myself gave him a little bit too much power over the driving. But knowing I’m not mad here was just what I needed and I’ll make sure he doesn’t open his mouth again

OP posts:

LivingInMidnight · 17/02/2018 09:49

He sounds like an arse.

On another note, if you have a non UK licence have you checked you're OK to use it here? Just asking because I've seen loads of people with driving offences for that because they weren't aware.

nogrip · 17/02/2018 09:56

If you drive at 40 in a 50 mph zone it gives people behind you the rage

GnotherGnu · 17/02/2018 09:58

To be honest, I'd be worried about someone so lacking in self-perception that he thinks it's OK to behave like this. No adult has a right to correct and criticise another in this way unless they are actually employed to teach them - and even then this constant belittling would be a ridiculous way to go about it.

CharisMater · 17/02/2018 10:01

Gawd the cheek of him!

I would worry that he is such a delusional mansplainer though. Can somebody who has no idea how badly he is behaving in this regard be a good partner otherwise???

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