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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate being told off about my driving by boyfriend that doesn't have a license?

46 replies

Orbita · 15/02/2018 22:46

Ok so I've had my license for 6 years now and yes after I moved to UK I didn't drive for nearly 3 years (except for the times I went back to my country). Never had a ticket, was never asked to stop, never hit anyone, never had a problem. No one ever corrected my driving, although I was so nervous about driving here for a few reasons: driving on the other side, lack of directions (IMO as an "outsider"), etc.

September last year we got a car and it's one of the reasons we fight the most. He doesn't have a drivers license so he took an exam so he could ride motorbikes and has been driving since May last year. A bit ahead of me when it comes to driving in UK then. It started with "you are driving so slowly" (bare in mind I had no classes here, so my confidence was a bit low and I was getting used to the difference). Even if the max is 50 and I'm 40 mph, he's already buffing that it's too slow and it's not good for the car... I mean 40 miles is already 65km so it's already a bit of speed for someone still adapting/learning the way around town.
Then he would warn me "the lights are red/green", "there's a car coming" which was driving me crazy and anxious about driving. It developed to correcting me (because he read the book so he knows it all) with comments like "did you even look to your left?", "don't forget to sign that you're turning". I'm not saying he's not right about a few small things but sometimes he's wrong and I know it but he's so freaking sure about it that I can't win! When it snowed, I was removing the snow off the top of the car and he said "you don't have to do that, it's ok", I argued but in the end I gave up and just got into the car. Turns out leaving the snow is really bad (which was common sense but coming from me it's not valid). He also tells me off about my parking because he doesn't understand car dimensions and thinks I can just leave or park with a wheel fully turned because there's loads of room and I won't obviously hit the car next to me. Or that I'm in between lanes (from where he's sitting it must look likeit but I can see the line next to me so I'm not in the middle of the road...).

There's been quite a few things that he has corrected me and was wrong, I have to look it up to show him and even then he doesn't apologize, he just picks on something else.
We had a fight about how to do a roundabout... imagine.

I got so sick of it that I told him I wasn't taking is dead ass anywhere and that he could ride his motorbike to work even if it's snowing. It's either I'm driving too fast or too slow, I either don't sign that I'm turning early enough or too early. It's also chocking that 3 seconds aren't enough of a notice for me to turn when taking his directions... Honestly it's always small things and that's why it's ridiculous because I feel like I'm being treated as a dumbass that doesn't know how to drive when in fact I'm the one that has passed the test, years ago! I already told him that if he wants a lift, he needs to keep his mouth shut and once he has passed his tests, he can try correcting me.

A few weeks in the cold/rain made him quiet when shopping so I started giving him a lift to work again (going at 9pm, picking him up at 6am...) and all ok until just now.

"do you even look at your right? don't you know that even if it's red for them you have to look? how do you know if a car is not speeding and heading to you?" jesus christ I didn't STARE at my right for a minute but I looked.

We had a big fight about it because ok, maybe I don't do everything exactly as in the book, but for god's sake my driving is good and defensive and he should be grateful that not only I'm taking him everywhere but I also wake up at 5 when I start work at 10 (and commute is just 15 minutes).
He says I'm being ignorant because I don't want to know how to drive correctly. I don't know what to do, I feel like having the damn drivers license is not enough to back me up and he's always fucking right about everything (even if only in his mind). I had my drivers exam years ago, yet I feel like I go through everything again everytime we drive together! I'm so tired...

Sorry about the rant.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 17/02/2018 10:06

Does he do this with other things or just driving?

Definitely stop and kick him out when he starts again. It sounds unbearable.

lazyarse123 · 17/02/2018 10:18

My husband does this, not to that extent and he can drive but he doesn't drive often. His worst habit is craning his neck when I am reversing out of the drive (it's a bit awkward) with really exaggerated movements to see if it's clear. I just stop the car and ask him "do you know how many times a day I do this? he apologizes, but he thinks he's helping, he's really not.

SparkyTheCat · 17/02/2018 10:27

How rude of him! I can't drive, and like Pp would never dream of criticising someone's driving when they're doing me a favour.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 17/02/2018 11:39

He sounds like a dick. Although please say you don't do 40 in a 50. I'll give him that one.

My dad is a back seat driver. He tries to be nice and helpful but he causes rows and becomes the centre of your attention which is so dangerous!

There are now rules for him being in my car including you do not put indicators on, put the car in neutral for me/ basically touch anything without being asked . He'll just do it despite seeing me reach to do it myself. He's a very good driver, I think he panics if he's not in control and doesn't realise how undermining he is. I've chucked him out before.

mirren3 · 17/02/2018 12:08

I'd "book" a lesson with a driving instructor when you know he won't be around, then tell him the instructor said how they wished everyone drove like you or something similar. The next time he critisises I'd stop, put him out and don't have him back in the car again until he apologises and primises to sit quietly.

iklboo · 17/02/2018 12:17

Agree with @LivingInMidnight - please check you're ok to drive in the UK on your 'home' driving licence. Not suggesting you're not safe to drive! It's just it could be an offence depending on where you passed your test and how long you've been driving here. It might have insurance implications.

DeathStare · 17/02/2018 12:33

I had a friend who used to pass comment on my driving (and everybody else's) despite not having a license - though nowhere near as bad as your boyfriend.

Eventually I just said to him (when he did it) "Look I don't like you commenting on my driving so you have a choice. Either don't comment on my driving or find another way of getting form A to B. I won't take offence if you would prefer not to be in the car with me, but I don't want to hear any opinions you may have on my driving any more. This isn't negotiable so if you don't think you can stop yourself please find other ways of getting around"

In general it worked. In fact it worked so well that another friend said the same thing to him.

The first time he slipped up (which admittedly was months later) when he told me I should be in the other lane (I shouldn't!) I just pulled the car over and then said "We've talked about this. I'm not prepared to drive while you pass comment about my driving. Would you prefer to keep your opinions to yourself or would you prefer to get out and find another way to get where we're going? I won't be offended whichever choice you make" He stayed in the car and never did it again.

Just be firm with him OP

Piffle11 · 17/02/2018 12:39

I rarely travel with my DParents, but a while ago had to get a lift with them: DF drives, DM doesn't. I was in the baby with baby: DF wanting to turn right at large roundabout, but he's in left hand lane ... cue cars beeping, drivers gesticulating. He and DM tutting and completely ignorant as to why: I told DF he was in the wrong lane ... he said that he had always thought that, but non-driving DM had told him that he was wrong - apparently he does what she tells him to do, and she has no clue. She still maintains that I am wrong and she is right. Surprised they haven't caused an accident or been bopped by an irate driver.

Piffle11 · 17/02/2018 12:39

in the back with baby

GnotherGnu · 17/02/2018 13:26

lthough please say you don't do 40 in a 50. I'll give him that one.

I wouldn't. A speed limit isn't an instruction to drive at that speed. Every driver has to make their own decisions based on how far ahead they can see, weather conditions, traffic conditions etc. I recently stayed in a village in the countryside where most of the roads around - all very winding, some over hilly country, some of them single track - were standard 60 mph roads. If I'd driven everywhere at 60 mph I wouldn't have survived more than a couple of days at most.

Backingvocals · 17/02/2018 13:32

Don’t do 50 in a 50 if it’s not right for the conditions. It’s 30 round here but you’d be criminal to drive at that speed - narrow streets, only room for one way traffic, parked cars hiding pedestrians, bikes weaving. He sounds awful.

mumspice · 17/02/2018 13:35

As my instructor used to say, "It's a limit, not a target"

Ilovecamping · 17/02/2018 13:50

You could always book an appointment with a driving school to appraise your driving then tell him the official opinion is you are a good driver

FoggyDew17 · 17/02/2018 13:59

Is he like this in other aspects of life also?

problembottom · 17/02/2018 14:02

My dad is a backseat driver with catchphrases. When you suddenly hear him bellow AMBER GAMBLER or ARRIVE ALIVE it scares the beejeezus out of you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2018 14:17

I think if you haven't passed a test in the uk it might be worth booking a lesson to check that you are following the conventions of UK roads, for safety's sake if nothing else. I know in some countries they don't have roundabouts and indicators are seen as optional.

If he has passed a bike test, then likely he has learned to use the road at a more cautious and defensive level than you as a car driver so that may explain (though not excuse) some of his criticism.

NovemberWitch · 17/02/2018 14:39

I’m the only driver so far in my family of four. I agree, any criticism and they make their own way. He has a bike, he can get on it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/02/2018 14:48

Bloody hell you must be tolerant. I’d have chucked him out of both the car & my life by now. His attitude will not be restricted to just driving. If you had kids with him he’d be unfuckingbearable.

Thursdaydreaming · 17/02/2018 14:52

Argh he sounds terrible, stop driving him anywhere.

I hate driving anybody anywhere because I feel like they are judging my driving, especially men, who I find usually assume they are much better drivers because they have a penis. Like you I am actually a normal/good driver, had a license and car for 15 years with no accidents or problems in that time. The guys who have looked down their nose at me have all had heaps of points on the licence and/or been in several accidents resulting in cars been written off.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2018 15:03

I must confess here that I do sometimes criticise my DH's driving because, frankly, he drives likes like an arse: Amber gambles, does not give way when he should, barges out of junctions and generally accelerates and brakes too harshly.

I have no idea why he does this because, in the rest of his life he is a very laid back gentle person. He used to claim I was being over critical but our three oldest kids drive now and they fully agree with me.

Of course he thinks he's a really good driver and always tries to drive when we go out together.

crispinquent · 17/02/2018 20:33

Imagine you married this nondriver. Then you will see what my life looks like.

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