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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really want DD (7) to go to a sleepover

77 replies

TittyGolightly · 15/02/2018 21:35

DD is 7 and has been invited to her first sleep over. AIBU to not want her to go because:

We’ve never succeeded with having any of our friends or family’s children sleep in with DD when they have come to stay
DD is a night owl who struggles to get to sleep before about 10pm on a calm day, never mind after a party
Because of this, she goes to sleep with an audiobook or music on - not ideal with a gaggle of about 8 girls
We lost my nan last week. She was very close to her and has been upset at night about it. She’s come into bed with me in the night every night for the last 10 days for comfort.
I’m not sure her spending a night at a classmate’s house is a great idea when they’ve never had so much as a play date before.
They’re 6 and 7. Seems a bit young to me.

On the other hand, she really wants to go. And all of the other mums seem to have jumped at the invitation.

OP posts:

LovingLola · 15/02/2018 22:20

Have people read this part of the OP
We lost my nan last week. She was very close to her and has been upset at night about it. She’s come into bed with me in the night every night for the last 10 days for comfort.

Or this part
I’m not sure her spending a night at a classmate’s house is a great idea when they’ve never had so much as a play date before

LucilleBluth · 15/02/2018 22:22

I have a 7yo DD and I wouldn't let her have a sleepover yet. I let my DSs have them in year 5 if I remember correctly. 7 just seems to little, imagine if they want their mum but are afraid to say so, it's just not worth it imo.

wtffgs · 15/02/2018 22:22

If she wants to go, let her. If I were the hosting parent and you explained about the bereavement, I'd be fine with, say a phone call at 9pm to see how it's going and if she needs to go home.

She might just need a bit of "time off" from mourning. It doesn't mean she didn't live your relative - just that she's a kid and being silly at a sleepover might be just what she needs.

Sorry for your loss.

wtffgs · 15/02/2018 22:23

love not live

SoftSheen · 15/02/2018 22:26

Seven is a bit young IMO, certainly with a family who you/she don't know very well. Close family friends would be a different situation.

Original poster

TittyGolightly · 15/02/2018 22:27

Yes they stay up far too late and she’ll be exhausted the following day but as long as it’s a weekend she’ll recover, just plan for a quiet day and early night the next day.

No can do. She has an hour’s music lesson the following lunchtime. It’s also another classmate’s party the afternoon of the sleepover so they’ll all be jacked up on sugar and over excited before the sleepover party even starts!

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 15/02/2018 22:27

My ds's started sleepovers at 7. Only once I had to pick on up and that's because he felt unwell- he was then sick in the night so I'm glad his friend's parents phoned me!
Let her go, all of her friends will be there, do you really want her to be the odd one out?

TotallyWingingIt · 15/02/2018 22:28

I think I'd let her go and give her the choice of A) picking her up around 9/10pm or B) staying over but made clear you will collect her if she feels she wants to come home.

It might be a good thing to take her mind off your Nans passing and might cheer her up.

From having plenty of my DCs sleepovers here they either are all hyper and none of them sleep until the very early hours (found out the hard way with thirteen 9-14 olds, although according to them it was the best night of their lives) or they all play and wear each other out and they fall asleep.
The worst that can happen is that she wants to come home in the night and you can go and collect her.

Hope you find something that works for you OP and sorry to hear about your nans passing

Lashalicious · 15/02/2018 22:33

Go with how you feel, Op. The fact that she’s never even had a play date with these kids would be a no from me. I like to know the parents of the kids pretty well before leaving my dc overnight with them.

Mrsramsayscat · 15/02/2018 22:33

Looking back, sleepovers for mine at that age, especially the girls, were a fiasco. Never slept a wink, wouldn't stay in bed, bickered when tired, some demanded to go home at ungodly hours. Them and me shattered the next day.

I'd pick up and delay.

MsAwesomeDragon · 15/02/2018 22:34

My dd had a sleepover party last year for her 7th birthday. We wrote on the invitations that we were happy for people to be collected either in the evening or the following morning, as some had never been to our house before. To our surprise they all stayed over.

There was no problem with anyone not getting sleepy early enough, as they had a "midnight" feast (at 10, cos that's when I told them it was midnight ), then they all listened to an audiobook till they fell asleep. The last one went to sleep about 11. We're doing the same thing this year, with the same kids, they're all very excited about it.

If you think she's too young, speak to the host parents and say when you will be picking her up, they'll understand. It's much easier to prepare the kids for one going home if it's at a specified time, rather than a vague "call any time if there's a problem". And whatever you do, if you let her go do NOT phone at 10pm and ask her "don't you miss us?" Which was what one dad did to one of dd1's friends when they were 8, cute tears and distress for his daughter, and by extension all the other kids at the sleepover.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 15/02/2018 22:34

I'm a Rainbow leader so regularly take 5-7 year olds for sleepovers, so I'm not sure she is too young, I get your worry, I was the same with my DD going on her first sleepover without me, but I've taken around 200 different children away over the years and have only ever had to call one set of parents. We've had plenty of girls who are bad sleepers at home who have been ok for us, because by the time the others have shut up its 10-11ish anyway so they doze off fairly quickly and they are too busy having fun to get homesick.

Being upset over your nan however might be an issue, or the distraction might be a good thing and break the cycle of going to you for comfort in the night, it could go either way.

I'd say yes but make it clear to the parents that they can call you at any time if she wants to go home, don't tell DD that though, because knowing going home is an option can make it harder for some children to settle.

GrooovyLass · 15/02/2018 22:35

Well I take 7yos away regularly (I'm a Brownie leader) with no problem but you know your own child.

What I would say though is that she either goes or she doesn't. It seems a bit cruel to let her go for a few hours then pick her up just as everyone else is excited about going to bed to bounce off the bedroom walls until 2am

OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 22:36

It seems really young if you don't know the family. The parents could be total creeps.

SD1978 · 15/02/2018 22:37

I agree with replies that as your daughter seems excited, to let her- with the understanding for both the parents hosting and your daughter that if she changes her mind at any time, you will come pick her up. She may have a great time, she may feel she wants to come home but I’d give her the choice at the time. None of the kids will be going to sleep early- she may be quite happy. If you don’t let her go, when she wants to, I’d imagine you’ll be in for a night with an upset child.

Papergirl1968 · 15/02/2018 22:46

Sorry, don’t agree with sleepovers at all, certainly not under the age of about 11 or 12.
I might be old fashioned and to some extent have a slightly warped view due to my dds being adopted, but I think children need the security of their own beds with their parents nearby - especially after a bereavement.
Also, it sounds like you don’t know the parents well if the kids have never had a play date. You have no idea if they smoke, drink, do drugs, have dangerous dogs, abuse children etc. And staying up all night messing about and eating junk food is no good for young children, not to mention that if someone gets left out it can turn nasty quite quickly.
Letting children go on a Brownie camp is slightly different but I’m minded to think it’s still too young.
I realise i sound like a killjoy, I just think it’s irresponsible to even consider this. Never mind what other parents do, you’re clearly having doubts so just say no.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/02/2018 22:48

If she wants to go, let her, just tell her you’re happy to pick her up at anytime. Tell the hosts about her Nan. Don’t bother telling them she doesn't sleep until late, they’ll all be up. We have a night owl, she fares best on sleep over because of it. Your DD will be fine for her music lesson. Sleep overs are huge fun, let her go.

franktheskank · 15/02/2018 22:50

I think 7 is too young unless I knew the family extremely well.

BewareOfDragons · 15/02/2018 22:51

I think you should let her go. She''ll be fine. And if you insist on picking her up at 9, you'll embarrass her. Let her decide if she wants to stay or not.

If she was in Rainbows, she would have been invited for a sleepover in her first year most likely, when they're 5. They all seem to have a great time.

Original poster

TittyGolightly · 15/02/2018 22:58

I think DD is a bit different to the other children going - they all have siblings, they all have local cousins. DD’s cousins are 250 miles away, and all previous sleepover attempts with them have been disastrous.

We went away with her best friend (not from school) and her family last September, and again any attempts at getting them to sleep in the same room failed. I doubt her best friend’s parents would let her attempt a sleepover here even, and we think of each other’s kids as our own.

DD’s first reaction to being invited was how hard she finds it to sleep with other children around.

OP posts:

lougle · 15/02/2018 22:59

I think that you're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do, but if your DD would like to try it, it would be worth considering very carefully. It could really boost her self-esteem.

I would tell the host that you're unsure if she'll settle, and that you're happy to collect her at any time, night or day, even 1 or 2 am.

DD1 is 12 and has SN, so she functions in some ways much more like a 5-6 year old, particularly emotionally. She was invited to a sleep over with a new friend and my stomach flipped. She was excited, but also pale with nerves.

We talked it over, and decided that as she would have bear with her, and I could go and get her at any time, night or day, if she wanted to come home, for any reason, she would try it. I told the Dad that I had said that to DD1, and that she could call me, or he could call me, even at 1am or 3am, and I would drive out to collect her. She had a brilliant time! She did it, and she was proud of herself.

Your DD1 might get tired and want her Mum. She might wake up and want her Mum. Or she might have a good time with her friends and come back home to tell her Mum.

Original poster

TittyGolightly · 15/02/2018 22:59

If she was in Rainbows, she would have been invited for a sleepover in her first year most likely, when they're 5. They all seem to have a great time.

Rainbows is probably the last place I’d send her!

OP posts:

OwlOfBrown · 15/02/2018 23:02

Another Brownie leader who regularly takes 7 year olds away on overnights and longer with no problems.

The only part of the OP's post that would make me hesitate is this:
*We lost my nan last week. She was very close to her and has been upset at night about it. She’s come into bed with me in the night every night for the last 10 days for comfort.^ However, a sleepover might be just what she needs to break the cycle of being upset at night and needing to come in with you.

Original poster

TittyGolightly · 15/02/2018 23:04

The funeral won’t have happened by the time the sleepover happens, so I expect she will still be quite upset about that.

OP posts:

Original poster

TittyGolightly · 15/02/2018 23:05

Where’s all this brownie sleepover come from? I was a brownie and a guide (in the days before rainbows) and we never went anywhere!

I was about 13 before I went on a sleepover.

OP posts:

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