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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dh to go on holiday for a week when our 3rd child is 3 months old?

46 replies

Nbg · 02/05/2007 09:55

because at the moment I am effing livid that he is going.

His brother and SIL work in a secondary school and every year at easter they have a ski trip. Dh went last year when I was pg. I was totally ok with it. I was supposed to be going myself but found out I was expecting ds. This year he went again. I didnt mind. Thought it would be good for him to get away and have a break.

But now I am expecting our 3rd baby and tbh I'm still not excited/happy/looking forward to it and dh has said that he will go and do this holiday again.
Its hilarious to think that he considers it a holiday too because he has to look after a group of children all day, so he cant go off and snowboard on his own.

The only point he cmes up with is that he doesnt pay a penny to go because he is considered as a member of staff and if he didnt go then, he wouldnt go away at all because we couldnt afford it.

I'm just a bit pissed off with it but apparently i am being selfish and unfair.
Am I?

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/05/2007 09:59

You are right to be pissed off, but it's important (imo) for couples to have some space from each other occasionally.

Really he shouldn't consider going, but if he's going to get all huffy about it then let him go and make sure that he knows that the minute you've stopped bf (if you do) then you are going on a weekend away with your mates.

I go away with 4 girl friends every year and we have a brilliant time.

Original poster
Nbg · 02/05/2007 10:02

He has said I can go off whenever I want but its just not the point.
If I'm going away, I want to do it with my family.
My children have never been away before.

OP posts:
eidsvold · 02/05/2007 10:04

unreasonable from your part - although as you pointed out it is hardly a holiday having to help chaperone secondary students on a ski trip (been there done that a number of times to a number of places)- at least your little one will be 3 months old and not a newborn. Do you not have anyone who can help you out.

don't know about selfish and unfair - think that is a bit much.

my dh is away at the moment for work - went tues morning back late tomorrow night. I have three little ones - 4, 2 and a 5 week old. My 4yo has sn and I have no help outside of dh - I am surprised how I am managing so far. By this time tomorrow night I am sure I will be pleased to see him.

dmo · 02/05/2007 10:05

if he can afford to take a week off work then he should spend it with his family rolling easter eggs etc

my friend had her 3rd child (he is 1 now) her other children were 3yrs and 7yrs and she said its hard work with the extra child

sking sounds fab maybe if he just misses 1yr and goes the yr after

eidsvold · 02/05/2007 10:05

I can see your point about wanting to take time out as a family to go away too.

tough one - am sure bro and sil rely on people like your dh to help out with the 'caring' and supervising therefore ensuring trips like this can go ahead.

fortyplus · 02/05/2007 10:06

The thing is... he's WRONG to go away, but if he feels very strongly about it then you will create resentment in your relationship if you try to stop him going. I think you should say something like 'Ok - I'm not going to try to stop you going, but I would like you to consider the effect it will have on me before you make your final decision.'

Enid · 02/05/2007 10:11

I think its a crappy situation

can you not ALL go?

Hassled · 02/05/2007 10:11

Agree with fortyplus - all you can really do is make damn sure he realises the effects of him going - how you feel, how tough it will be, how you'd rather spend the time with the children. FWIW I would be absolutely spitting with rage - I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Why should he get to go away at a difficult time when the rest of the family can't? He's taking self-centredness to whole new levels.

NotanOtter · 02/05/2007 10:13
Original poster
Nbg · 02/05/2007 10:13

Eidsvold, the teacher who organises the trip has said that if my BIL, SIL and dh dont go this year then she wont book it.
The other thing that annoys me too though, is that BIL and SIL are actually leaving this school when summer starts. So neither will be working there anymore.

I have tried every angle to get him to understand but he thinks that I am panicking over nothing.

When he went this easter, my nan stayed with me for 3 days and then my mum came for the rest of the week.
The week dh came home, my dad was rushed into hospital for a suspected heart attack. Anyway, a stent in his aorta and 3 weeks later he is back home. So my mum is saying shes not sure how much she will be able to help out next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nbg · 02/05/2007 10:16

We could all go Enid but then as daft as it sounds, we would have to pay £500 each for myself, dd and ds. The baby would go free I would imagine and the other thing is that its bus and ferry all the way to Austria, so not exactly ideal.

NAO Yes I do quite like photography.

OP posts:
Enid · 02/05/2007 10:16

weeeeeeeeeell I have done three kids (one a baby) alone a few times (dh travels for work) and of course it is fine and doable - if he is going to go then make sure you book a half day at a spa or some thing lovely for when he gest back - or just leave the kids with him for a day while you lounge in bed with a book. If you do not do this you will resent the trip more and more. can one of your dcs go to a friends for a sleepover?

sometimes my sister and her baby come and stay while dh is away - is always lovely if a bit drunken

Original poster
Nbg · 02/05/2007 10:20

I've just emailed MrsRecycle about going to stay in her lovely caravan/huge home thing at Camber Sands, so hopefully we could go there this summer.

I think what annoys me more is that he seems to think that looking after them is a piece of cake and I've had the cracking line that "well all the new baby will do is sleep, eat, pee and poo"

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/05/2007 10:21

'The other thing that annoys me too though, is that BIL and SIL are actually leaving this school when summer starts. So neither will be working there anymore. '

so actually this is his last chance to do it? Let him go...

edam · 02/05/2007 10:26

if he thinks it is so easy, then he will be perfectly able to cope if you go out and leave him on his own with them for just one day this weekend, then, won't he? (Obv. won't work if you are b/f, though... in that case, make him get up at night every time baby needs feeding for a week. And see how he feels then.)

I'd be very pissed off. Mainly at the unapologetic attitude - if dh said 'I really want to do this but appreciate it would be a nightmare for you' then I'd be prepared to think about it. But if it was just 'I'm going, sod you, looking after all three is a piece of piss' then I'd be furious.

Tbh I objected strongly to dh's plan to bugger off to Australia for a month to see his best mate without us when he got made redundant. Because it was effing cheeky and we didn't know when he'd get a new job so we couldn't afford it! Dh didn't go in the end. If we could afford for all of us to go, or he went just for a fortnight, I might be prepared to put up with it if he promised to return the favour...

Original poster
Nbg · 02/05/2007 10:27

No I would imagine they will do it every year.
They leave in July this year and the trip is next easter but they can still go and be considered members of staff.

OP posts:
contentiouscat · 02/05/2007 10:28

I think hes being a bit insensitive leaving you with 2 kids and a 3 week old, not too bad if you can get some help but men dont get this do they? I have to remind my DH regularly that they are his children too and therefore he should suffer some inconveniences as well!

But I guess if its his last chance you can console yourself with that thought.

Enid · 02/05/2007 10:28

I have to say on reflection that my dh would not even consider going

AngharadGoldenhand · 02/05/2007 10:31

Hmm, I'd let him go - it's hardly a holiday, is it?

FWIW I have 3 and dh travels a lot. Left me with newborn to work abroad (and plenty of times since! ) and I've never had help.

It is doable, but on the plus side for me, dh realises how hard it was with 3 littlies.
If your dh doesn't appreciate how hard you work/will work, then I can see why you're upset.

Calling you selfish and unfair is not on.

chocolattegirl · 02/05/2007 10:35

Tbh it doesn't sound much of a holiday to me but I can see why you're irate. Personally I'd be tempted to check out airfares to the resort and fly out there with one child so you get to have a bit of a break. Letting your dh take the other child (the one who is likely to play up on the coach!).

Although that would bug me as a parent of one of the students taking the holiday actually if they had to travel on a coach with a small child .

AngharadGoldenhand · 02/05/2007 10:36

Oh, and if he does go, make sure that he stocks up the house with food, nappies, toilet roll, wine etc, so you don't have to worry about going shopping at least, when he's away.

Dh used to do this for me and it was much appreciated.

kslatts · 02/05/2007 10:45

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. My DH has been away a few times without me and I've been away with my friends for the weekend once. My friend who lives in Greece is getting married next year and as it will probably be in term time I'm thinking of going on my own. If money was an issue I wouldn't be happy if dh spent money on going away on his own and not being able to afford a family holiday, but your dh isn't paying.

Original poster
Nbg · 02/05/2007 11:57

Thanks for replies.
I had to dash off earlier.

I've got no choice but to suck it anyway because he has decided he is going.
In a way I just think to myself, theres god knows how many mums out there whos partners work away, in the army etc and they have to cope on their own.
But in another way I'm also worried about me being a bit wobbly mentally after the baby is born.

OP posts:
Enid · 02/05/2007 11:58

make him do all the shopping first and book you something nice to look forweard to

mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 12:43

Put your foot down. What about you?! You've been great in the past and you have very clear reasons this time for not wanting him to go. Why don't your feelings matter?

I've learnt from bitter experience that if you want to do something as a family, or want your other half to put you and your family first, you need to spell it out. Then in return, they should want to be with you.
Giving him the freedom to do this won't make him love and respct you more. It will make him think his needs are more important than those of his wife and children. And they are not.
Trust me - I've learnt the hard way.

You've been great in the past. Time for him to put you first.