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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dh to go on holiday for a week when our 3rd child is 3 months old?

46 replies

Nbg · 02/05/2007 09:55

because at the moment I am effing livid that he is going.

His brother and SIL work in a secondary school and every year at easter they have a ski trip. Dh went last year when I was pg. I was totally ok with it. I was supposed to be going myself but found out I was expecting ds. This year he went again. I didnt mind. Thought it would be good for him to get away and have a break.

But now I am expecting our 3rd baby and tbh I'm still not excited/happy/looking forward to it and dh has said that he will go and do this holiday again.
Its hilarious to think that he considers it a holiday too because he has to look after a group of children all day, so he cant go off and snowboard on his own.

The only point he cmes up with is that he doesnt pay a penny to go because he is considered as a member of staff and if he didnt go then, he wouldnt go away at all because we couldnt afford it.

I'm just a bit pissed off with it but apparently i am being selfish and unfair.
Am I?

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 02/05/2007 13:03

my dh went to new york with a school trip last month and it was a serious thing, but he has also said it was a really nice break - we don't normally eat in restaurnts evry night and see amazing stuff!
i told him to do this as my twins are 2 now and ds1 is 5, but he would never have assumed.
i also said yes to a couple of overnights last year, but in the first year he didn't want to leave me - 3 chiuldren is no joke.
on a positive note - my mum staying in place of my husband - is sometimes easier!
i am also going to a festival in the summer and madrid later to make up for new york!
wanting to go away with no children is not abnormal, but shirking your responsibility is crap imo.

purpleturtle · 02/05/2007 13:10

I think I'd be with you, nbg. You already manage when he's away for work - why should he spend his holiday time away from you all? If you'd married a teacher, it would be understandable him going on school trips (My dad did quite a few when we were little).

Can you make very very sure that you book something for the whole family later in the year, and make it a priority?

goodnanny · 02/05/2007 16:20

why shouldnt he go away? its only a week, not a year!

purpleduck · 02/05/2007 17:19

nbg, I totally get where you are coming from. Most years my dh goes on a weeks holiday with the boys, most years i am happy to let him go, he relaxes, I can cope, and yes I do think couples should spend some time apart..bla bla bla. This year we had agreed he woulddn't go, and long story short, he ended up going (I said, like 100x "no", then the 1x i said "yes" in a moment of weakness, he ends up booking it I tried very hard to come around to it, and it wasn't that I couldn't cope or any of that, it was that i felt manipulated and taken for granted. He got back about a month ago, and things haven't been right this whole time. I can't see how this one holiday can be worth the damage to our marriage. Like i said, I am generally ok with it, like you were. If you really don't want him to go, put your foot down. Good Luck!

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 17:32

i think you should let him go, and then off for a week yourself sometime without him and without kids. Even if your turn doesn't happen for 6 or 12 months. Everyone needs a break. And ifI had the opportunity to go skiing for free I would certainly want to go.

Lazycow · 02/05/2007 17:33

When dh left me alone for 10 days (ond with only ! ds). He did all the planning and shopping for the week he time he was away and left me with a menu plan for the week and all the food.

When he came back he did LOADS of looking after ds and more drop-offs and pick ups than usual and let me lie in every day for a week. Every time he suggested he do something (like let me lie in a bit) and I said it seemed a bit unfair he would say 'remember - 10 days at work in a luxury hotel to make up for' so I'd let him

I think what would rankle most about this for me is not the fact that he is going but that he doesn't understand why you would want him not to and isn't willing to compromise or offer something back in return.

LIZS · 02/05/2007 17:45

I don't think you are being selfish and unfair at all, the thought of 3 kids on your own for a week while he is off doing something he enjoys isn't one to relish. However if it is at a time when your elder ones are n't going to have to be anywhere (ie in school holiday time) and you can arrange to have some people pop around during the time he is away then you may find it more manageable than it seems atm. Hopefully by then the baby will have fitted in and you will have your head aboive water again,a lthgouh you won't know that until the time comes and presumably if all goes pear shaped he is still committed to going . But make sure he earns his break - fills the freezer beofre he goes and allows you time off in lieu (maybe you could even get that in first, before no.3 arrives !)

beckybrastraps · 02/05/2007 17:58

This is most unlike me, and I am rather at myself, but I actually think you are being a little unreasonable.

I think it's partly because the baby will be three months old (much earlier and I would be right behind you);

Partly because my dh travels a fair bit with work, so the thought of a week without him doesn't fill me with too much horror;

And partly because it is a school trip. And they're not all holiday. But they are a chance to do something you love for free.

elkiedee · 02/05/2007 17:58

It's not unreasonable - you didn't ask him to stop with you when you were pregnant and I think it's fair to say when you do and don't feel able to cope with being left on your own with the kids for a week. So it's not a restful holiday but that's not the point - it's something he enjoys doing but he will be able to do it again future years on the basis of having done it for the school before, as far as I understand.

I think he's unreasonable, and it sounds like you may not have a choice but I think you're justified protesting.

If you can't change his mind I think you should at least think about the kind of holiday with the kids and your husband that you'd like and try to get something agreed and planned for a time when you feel ready to go away with them all.

purpleturtle · 02/05/2007 20:33

Nbg, am wondering if you should have mentioned that ds will only be 19months, and dd not yet at school, as well as the 3 month old baby?

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 20:52

I would punch my dp if he tried this....NO WAY. Having said that he wouldn't even consider going in that situation.

IMO he is being selfish not you. Small children and babies are hard hard work...

newgirl · 02/05/2007 20:56

i truly believe the only way to resolve this is to go away yourself some time so he really knows what the childcare is like

you say that you prefer to go with the family but i think it is really healthy for some space now and then and for the kids to just spend time with dad.

it also gives the dad a kick up the backside that you are not domestic goddess who just stays at home all the time

fizzbuzz · 03/05/2007 13:21

I suggest that you take the week before or after dh has been away, to go away on your own or with friends.

If he is a school teacher, he will almost certainly have 2 weeks at Easter, so he can have one and so can you [wink}

Having said that of course, I know you will not want to do this, (as I wouldn't!), but I think he needs teaching (excuse pun) a lesson, so you could at leat have a few days.

I couldn't stop thinking about this last night, I felt really outraged on your behalf! 2 children and a new baby, is really hard work........Show him what it's like!

purpleturtle · 03/05/2007 14:28

Hey nbg - if his ski-trip is free, then you going yourself will be like each of you going half-price!

Original poster

Nbg · 03/05/2007 14:35

lol fizzbuzz at you thinking about it

PT, I can go. But it means me then leaving all the children. When he went this easter we asked if dd could go but apparently they have to be 6 or over.
Dh said this time that he would ask again about taking her but my point was that I didnt then want her dumped off in a kids club if she couldnt do the skiing.

We've agreed to try and go somewhere in the summer. I'm hoping we can go to MrsRecycles caravan at Camber Sands for a week.

I'm having to sell my bloomin Take That ticket too because the concerts 15 days after my due date

OP posts:

purpleturtle · 03/05/2007 16:58

No, I was thinking more along the lines of a nice civilised term-time break with a mate for you. Actually a holiday!

newgirl · 03/05/2007 18:59

something concerns me...

dh - skiing holiday
nbg - caravan in camber sands

wtf?

what about nbg on lovely spa day for the day getting pampered, or a girls weekend away in a nice hotel or cottage, or day trip to london (show, dinner etc)

there is a cost with skiing holiday even if school pays for travel/accom - ski hire, lift pass, apres ski beers, lunches on slopes - come on, spend some on yourself and [whispers] dont be a doormat

LIZS · 03/05/2007 19:03

newgirl , usually with these school packages , lift pass, ski hire and even lunch is part of the deal . Not sure how much beer he could get through if responsible for a bunch of kids either althguh maybe staff alternate evenings.

RubyRioja · 03/05/2007 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Nbg · 04/05/2007 09:36

Yes his lift pass etc is all included and he has all his own snowboarding equipment.
Also he doesnt drink at all.

Sometimes I do have to stop and think because he does absolutely nothing at all. He doesnt drink, smoke, gamble, go to pubs, go out with mates (doesnt have any lol). He spends all his time at home with us apart from when he's working.

I had the chance to go to London for a few days last October for my SIL hen do but I didnt go in the end because I wasn't right, mentally IYKWIM.
I might suggest a trip away after the new year maybe, girls only.

OP posts:

newgirl · 04/05/2007 12:35

he now sounds like a poppet! but you still not being selfish and unfair x

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