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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to end this friendship?

31 replies

BoredAtWork1000 · 15/02/2018 14:44

Hi,

Apologies if this becomes a big essay!
I had a friend whom I was very close with, for the last five years. We became drinking buddies initially, before the drinking turned to harder things and she introduced me to cocaine. I'm not condoning my behaviour - I could have said no but I didn't and consequently developed somewhat of an addiction. I say "somewhat of an addiction" because I only ever did drugs when I hung around with her, which used to be on a weekend only and normally just after pay day. I know however that she would do drugs every week throughout the week when her benefits were paid in.
Fastforward to last year, I met a wonderful man and stopped the drugs. My friend wasn't willing to stop - that's up to her. But AIBU to end this friendship, since if I go to see her, she won't try and coax me into doing drugs with her but I really don't want the temptation put in front of me
Plus she is constantly asking me for money because she owes money to the drug-dealer. She is a single parent of two young children - a boy and a girl and she does make sure they are fed/clothed/clean as a priority but anything other than that goes on drugs and alcohol. Her father bought her little boy a tablet for his birthday (he's 9 years old now) back in July, yet I know for a fact it has been pawned for drug money. Everything she owns or has been given is constantly on buy-backs at the pawn shop. I just feel really bad for her children that they will not have anything nice because their mother has addiction issues.
Her own family are aware she has struggled with drink/drugs in the past but think she is over it now. I do know that social services keep her under constant surveillance and she has admitted to them that she has a cocaine dependency.

AIBU to want to end this friendship completely and never see/speak to her again? It might be cowardly but I can't afford to enable her behaviour nor do I want to go back to that place where all I cared about was buying more drugs. I recently found out I was pregnant and there is no way I would want my child to grow up with a mother who is constantly selling their stuff to fund her drug habit.

Not sure how I come across in this post - perhaps judgemental but being her friend was making me unhappy and considerably poorer than I needed to be.... AIBU?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/02/2018 14:57

Sorry but this post is so self centred

You didn't care about doing drugs with her when she had a child for the last few years, and now you're pregnant you decide she's a bad person

I hope you do stop seeing her because you sound like a shit friend

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2018 14:58

I ended friendships for the same reason.

I was moving on with my life and they were still wanting a lifestyle that I didn't want to be a part of, anymore.

I would be honest with her. Would you consider a friendship if she sorted herself out? If so, keep in texting touch.

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2018 15:19

Take no notice about being self centered, its being self protective.

You don't have to get sucked into someone else's addition issues and your child be subjected to what her children are.

Losing friends might help her to wake up to how far she is sinking.

CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 15:21

@Shoxfordian

I think OP needs to do what is best for her and her child, and that is certainly to end this friendship.

OP, were you and friend doing drugs with her DC in the house?

Trinity66 · 15/02/2018 15:22

I mean if she were a good friend I think you'd care more about trying to help her but clearly she was just a drug buddy so you should just do your own thing

Shoxfordian · 15/02/2018 15:36

Yeah I get that but she sounds like a bad friend and she wants to blame all the drug taking she did on her friend. I think if you really care about someone and you're a real friend then you don't just drop them

CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 15:41

Can dependent drug users ever be good friends to eachother, let alone good parents? I have my doubts.

I imagine they were both using eachother.

Shoxfordian · 15/02/2018 15:43

Yeah possibly
I just think the OP seems very judgmental now she has a partner and she's pregnant so she's just dropping her friend which isn't v nice in my opinion

CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 15:48

Yes, I can see that. Slipping in that friend is on benefits while OP works was a bit much too.

Shoxfordian · 15/02/2018 15:50

Yeah def. Its like she's moved on and now has a nice life so feels she can look down on her friend now.

I do agree she needs to do what's best for her child and maybe that isn't being around this woman but I just hate the tone of her message. She sounds so judgemental.

KC225 · 15/02/2018 15:54

I think now you have cleaned up your life, you seem very judgy towards your friend. You load all the blame on her, dust your hands and walk away with a clear conscience. You know she is not prioritising her children if she is selling their birthday gifts for drugs.

Bumshkawahwah · 15/02/2018 15:56

Yes, because that is all drug addicts need to stop using - a good friend, who can make them give up the drugs.

OP, I think staying away from what you see as temptation can only be a good thing. I’d suggest getting some help yourself though, if you are not completely convinced that you can leave this life behind.

Shoxfordian · 15/02/2018 16:00

Nobody's saying that but dropping your old friend because you have a better life is shitty

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2018 16:01

You can only be friends with people with addictions if you can practice tough love and put string boundaries in place, or they just drag you in.

The OP hasn't been long enough out of the lifestyle to implement that. Plus, she's pregnant, with all the hormones flying about, which will make her fall for a sob story.

I've learned the hard lesson that what you do for addicts makes very little difference, you just lose part of yourself and time, in the process.

SirGawain · 15/02/2018 16:04

The OP has seen sense. If she wants to avoid situations where drug may be a issue she is entitled to end the friendship. She has moved on the friend has not. nothing judgemental about that.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/02/2018 16:09

You can't help her and you can't control her behaviour. it's not unreasonable to want to protect yourself: being friends with an addict is very hard, even if you don't have any addiction or substance abuse issues and never have had.

Some people would advocate telling her that you are distancing yourself because of her drug use and that you give her a list of her faults, but that isn't a particularly good idea. She will not take it well (why would she? It will be impossible for her to interpret it in any way other than you have become holier-than-thou and think you are superior to her.) Just move on with your life. It's fine to do that.

Aridane · 15/02/2018 16:10

Is this for real or are you just bored at work?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2018 16:12

Yanbu at all, its self protection, you are clean now, and continuing being friends with her, means that you might fall off the wagon again as she is still using. Your not being selfish at all. Well done for getting clean.

bricksareheavy · 15/02/2018 16:12

OP, I can understand why you feel like that.
I used to do a lot of illicit substances in my 20s, and prior to giving birth I never really had to think about my viewpoint of parents taking drugs etc.

Now I’m a mother it brings the subject a lot closer to home. I’ve also very much distanced myself from the people I previously took drugs with- not in a judgmental way, but because I decided it was too chaotic for my new life as a mother.

Becoming a mother changes our perception of the world. I found some of my views have completely changed. I’d like to think that it’s not because I’ve become horrendously judgmental, but more because having a child to consider puts my decisions in a totally different context.

I don’t think it’s cowardly whatsoever to decide to take a step back from the situation and decide it’s not the best thing for you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

All the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

DerelictWreck · 15/02/2018 16:16

You need to end the friendship AND you need to call social services.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/02/2018 16:18

Oh FFS the kids are, according to OP, fed, clothed, clean and loved. SS will not intervene because their mother pawns things - they have far more serious cases to worry about.

Dushenka · 15/02/2018 16:20

OP, you would be wise to avoid this person. It may sound selfish to others but some friends who had counselling for their addictions were advised by the counsellor to cut ties with those friends where the relationship focused on addictive substance use. When my friends explained the dynamic of those r'ships to me, I understood that they could not afford the temptation of being around them.
Some friendships serve a purpose for a limited time and then we move on. It's just how things are. It's good to be grateful for all the ways in which that person has helped you and all that they've given to you but you are under no moral obligation to continue contact if they are not part of the life you want.

seagreengirl · 15/02/2018 16:22

YANBU...So what if the OP is a bit self-centered, whats wrong with looking after yourself and your unborn child? Stick to your guns OP you are doing your best for your baby and yourself.

VioletCharlotte · 15/02/2018 16:40

I think you're right to end the friendship OP. I had friends a bit like this before I had DC. But when I started a proper job and moved in with my partner I realised I didn't want that lifestyle anymore and distances myself from people who still wanted to take drugs. I don't think any of them really cared to be honest, I think that v often, friends who take drugs together, are really just friends for convenience and their mutual love of drugs. Once the drugs are removed, there really isn't much left.

AlpacaLypse · 15/02/2018 16:45

I think a lot of us did unwise things in the past. I'm certainly not going to judge my pre motherhood self. If you don't feel strong enough to have contact with your old friend without being sucked into her drug dependency and its associated problems then you are wisest to put your own child first.

I'm sure all of us feel sorry for the two children whose childhood is being damaged by their mother's problem. But I don't think your continued presence in their mother's life will ultimately make any difference to them, only her stepping up to the plate and addressing her problems, or other members of their family taking over.

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