To have fobbed-off DP?

[ChubbyGrape]

Hi everyone,
I have a lovely DP of 5 years, and two children from a previous marriage.
The other night my eldest was being very ‘crazy’, not in a bad way, he makes me laugh all the time although a lot of the time I admit he’s too much. We had spent the entire day out in London where he was quiet as he always is in public, and then when we get back he just explodes - makes noises, repeats things, does weird dances etc.

Anyway my DP asked me if he thought my eldest may have autism. I was pretty angry at first and said no, he’s just different. DP actually has a lot of friends with high functioning autism and grew up with one, and he wasn’t being mean or anything but I couldn’t help be stand-offish about it.

His reasons are, that my son does things like:

-repeats things constantly, I mean all the time. Movie quotes, something he’s made up, something he’s heard... just whatever it is at the time.
-Commentates on absolutely everything, whatever he’s doing, whatever I’m doing, but ESPECIALLY what the dog is doing.
-he had a voice for our dog and very very often he’s talking in the dogs voice pretending the dog is doing stuff, having conversations, making up stories about what the dogs doing etc.

• he constantly asks “what would you do if....” or “would you rather”. Doesn’t sound bad, but imagine this about once every ten seconds. Literally.
• if there’s silence he will fill it with noises, strange accents, songs about random things he makes up
• he’s always looking in the mirror making weird faces.
• he interrupts conversations constantly, but it isn’t behavioural (he’s honestly well behaved despite his compulsions) but he doesn’t realise other people are talking.
• he’s terrible socially. He’s a different person outside the house. If somebody asks him a question he goes silent and looks at me as if to rescue him. He just clams up.
• he had pretty awful OCD, he has to be “even”. So if he brushes one hand against the door frame, the other has to be equal. If he’s cold on one side, the other side must also be cold. Sometimes it takes him awhile to equal out.

He also has to touch things fully at times. Sometimes he will brush past me and HAS to touch my shoulder, fully, with both hands, for example. Same with toys or whatever else. His OCD is more than this but that’s a quick idea.

He’s a very emotional child, very anxious (he was badly bullied in school for being different, and a teacher strongly disliked him. So he suffers because of this)... but when he’s happy he expresses it in a very bizarre way (ie making weird sounds and can’t control what he’s doing properly).
He’s a smart little guy, although he is lost in his own world a lot of the time when he’s not doing these things. He was in a school where he had the same teacher for years who disliked him so struggled with school, but he just learns differently - he’s actually very bright, but can’t learn in a classroom at all.

There’s a lot more things, but AIBU to just say this is down to him being different?
He’s hard work, he really is, but he’s also one of the coolest little people I know. He’s so funny and even though he isn’t cuddly like my youngest (he always tries to hug me, but kind of does it at arms length like he struggles with it) he’s still loving in his own ways.

I know nothing about autism but if I should be supporting him in a different way, maybe I should know? I don’t know. He’s very different to my youngest and other children, but it never crossed my mind that he had anything... if this makes sense?

Sorry it’s so long.

He sounds like a normal child to me but I'm sure others will be here shortly claiming he's got all manner of issues.

If you're concerned, just check in with your gp. If only to put your mind at ease

No one can diagnose over the internet.

But I remember the first suggestion of my dc being autistic and I felt like you. It helped me to realise that it isn't a disease. She doesn't "have" something, so much as her brain is actually just different. And I knew that already- because she IS different to her siblings/ peers etc.

It seems that you know your date is a different and that his brain/ mind work differently- for whatever reason. If that reason is autism- it won't change him, or you. But a diagnosis could offer him reassurance in later life, and perhaps support and understanding too. I see no downsides to checking it out. Because even with a diagnosis , you don't have to tell people of you don't want to. You may have been diagnosed a "label" but it's your choice whether to tell others.

Good luck no matter what you choose to do.

I think it is worth seeing the GP or HV (HV can refer to speech therapist if needed), mainly because of the problems at school and the anxiety. Having autism (or not) won't change who he is but it could help the teachers understand him better.

How old is he? A lot of it sounds like normal behaviour and the rest sounds like it could be down to the OCD. I don't think everything needs a label, some people are just different. Have the school ever mentioned anything?

Oh OP! Your little man sounds EXACTLY like my DS who has ASD. And it's okay! It's not bad, he may find things, bite things and react to situation is different ways than others but the fact that your DP is only mentioning now suggests that he's on the quirky/eccentric spectrum as opposed to the heart wrenching more difficult end of the spectrum.

My ds was diagnosed at 8-9. I always thought he was just different to my other two as no two kids are alike. It came as a bit of a shock, I'd never thought to ask why he was the way he was. It was just his personality. And I wouldn't change a thing about him. Now he's older (12) he will keep his distance doing what he does for a couple of days and then run in and get a massive attention black hole filled by DH and I for several hours like a March hare on acid before skipping off leaving us dazed and stunned!

He is as he is, you can ask for an assessment but I suspect there is nothing much they can offer except a diagnosis. He sounds so much like my DS. Adorable, baffling, and completely wonderful.

Don't be afraid if ASD. It's not always awful. He may just need extra help and support, explanations and encouragement.

Looking back with the information we have now I can see many MANY ASD traits in my eldest DS but because it's usually perceived as something very negative it never crossed our minds.

That said, apparently most people have ASD traits without being autistic IYKWIM. DH wasn't being nasty, maybe he was just noticing behaviour or actions that we often accept without questioning or realising that they are not the 'norm' (whatever that is).

PS FYI the repeating of words and quotes, voices etc is called echolalia, it's a very common sign of ASD.

The thing with autism - and I have a child with severe autism - is that there's no 'normal', just as there isn't with regular neurotypical children. So what one child does/doesn't do, another might. My DS is in a specialist school and there are 7 other kids in his class (all boys) and although they share some common issues, they are very different to each other. My DS is non verbal so clearly we knew what we were dealing with from very early on. Now my other DS ... well, he actually does a lot of the things you mention, and of course it has crossed my mind that he is on the spectrum - high functioning - but that is no doubt due to the situation with my other child. If I had no experience of autism then it may not have entered my head. When DS2 was 4 he was monitored several times by an ed psychologist as I thought he may have ADHD: she said that she thought he was a borderline case, but if we wanted to take it further, we could. He is well behaved at school, but pretty crazy at home - good crazy, not nasty or naughty. He is pretty good socially, and I have no worries there. We decided not to take it further as the way I see it, his behaviour can be trying for us, but he's happy and doing well - if it ever became an issue where he needed extra support or understanding ... well, at that point maybe we would consider it. I think most people have traits that can be viewed as 'autistic' - but that doesn't mean they have autism. I was a very anxious child, which was made more difficult by having emotionally detached parents - I felt I couldn't tell them what was going on. It's great that you are supporting your son and want the best for him: that's half the battle won for any child. I can't tell you if your child has autism: I really do believe that these days there's a fine line between high functioning autism and those of us (and I include myself) with anxieties, phobias, OCD, social difficulties, etc. I guess it comes down to whether or not you want to take things further: if so, I would ask the school if there is an education psychologist you can speak to.

my son has asd.

Some of the bits you have written could well be traits, i would personally ask for an assessment to open up help for him at school and in the future.

my son also makes me laugh and smile everyday!

He’s too old to see the HV, but your school will have a school nurse; it might be worth speaking to her about your concerns.

Didn't mean bite things (although some do, yours/mine don't). I meant view things differently

He needs assessing even if it’s just to rule things out. If he is autistic then you’re doing him a disservice not getting a diagnosis so he can be helped through his life. Life will get harder for him if he’s expected to adult his way through a NT world if he isn’t.

He sounds a bit like me as a child and i had sevsre ocd. They sound like ocd traits. I still do similar now.

Some of it could be related to the OCD, its not just a physical thing.

OP, to me your DS sounds lovely. I'd maybe ask to speak to his teacher to see what they think before taking him to the docs. Either way, DS sounds great!

I can't see a mention of how old your ds is but sometimes the transition to adolescence can be when any autistic traits suddenly become very difficult for a child to cope with and that's when support might be needed.

He can equip himself with coping strategies for any compulsions or obsessive thoughts which he can fall back on for the rest of his life.

Once he's over 18 it's damn near impossible to push for help or diagnosis. It will then be entirely up to him to go through the long difficult process of getting a diagnosis for himself.

For that reason, it might be worth pursuing a diagnosis so that support is there if he needs it. That will also work in his favour if he ever encounters any more teachers that take a dislike to him and will prevent him being labelled as disruptive or disobedient, or not listening.
On the face of it, he appears happy and bright. He might just be a quirky character.
Having a diagnosis of ASD won't hinder him as much as trying to function in life with undiagnosed ASD.

Your DS sounds like a wonderful little character OP. Lots of things you have mentioned could be attributed to ASD and as a PP has said you don't need to be frightened of it.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult and tbh I would have loved a reason for my difficulties much earlier. However, having grown up without a diagnosis I was forced to adapt and I really don't see it as a disability. Just a different way of thinking, tbh I see "normal" behaviour and I'm glad I'm not like that.

You have nothing to lose and lots to gain by asking GP for advice. Has his OCD been diagnosed?

I have two kids with dx of HF ASD ('high functioning' which is a terrible phrase meaning 'does not have a learning disability') who are in mainstream school. A diagnosis has been a great help at home as well as at school. It helps our mutual understanding and managing expectations.

He won't get a dx if he isn't autistic.

It sounds to me like he is neuro diverse in some way. Understanding who he is and how he feels is a good idea, so it may be worth pursuing a diagnosis so he gets the help or support he needs when he’s older.

He sounds quite likely to have autism to me. Very similar to my DS who is exhausting but also completely wonderful and funny and charming (slightly biased).

OCD is a massive overlap with ASD anyway, I have autism diagnosed myself (as an adult and I totally agree with PP that it is better to get diagnosis earlier) and have been told I likely have OCD too.

He also sounds like a sensory seeker and this is what I find hardest about my DS, and in particular what other people struggle with when being with him. He does something called Stimming a lot, I didn’t know what that was until about a year ago but understanding stimming behaviour has really helped me understand both my autistic children.

I can understand why you reacted how you did but remember it’s not a bad thing if he is autistic, because it doesn’t actually change him at all, he is still your awesome son, it’s just a label that describes him and hopefully will help people understand his more unusual behaviour. Socially this could help him no end.

Sorry I forgot to mention my son is 11.

Thank you so much for the replies. I don’t understand any of this at all, which makes me sound very ignorant but it’s something I’ve never thought about. I now do understand (after I made this post I’ve been frantically googling) that autism isn’t something wrong as so much as different, and he’s definitely different, but he’s just completely wonderful and brilliant and he makes me feel happy even thinking about him (I’m also possibly biased) - and for some reason it scares me that this may be because of something. But after these posts I feel reassured, as it’s who he is regardless, and I do need to remember that

I should have also mentioned that I took him out of school and we now Home school. He was becoming badly affected by school, kids just didn’t like him and I witnessed them laughing at him when he was the only person left at break time who nobody would choose for football (honestly, I thought that kind of stuff was just in movies!) and they would stand around and make fun of how he was standing or the way he was speaking etc... I only saw it first hand when I went to pick him up for a doctors appointment in school and I was gobsmacked. He said it’s always been like that... I felt guilty because he DID tell me people were horrible to him but never specifics, so I just told his teacher constantly and nothing happened. Teacher disliked him and was constantly frustrated by him for not listening, or asking her questions about something when she had already explained it and she felt were off on a tangent etc. I tried to talk to her but she was at a complete loss how to “deal with him”, he wasn’t disruptive but he was in his own world and had to shout at him a lot. And he really doesn’t do well being shouted at, and so he crawled back into his own head out of fear of being punished by her and she just became more and more and more frustrated..... anyway, it was time to take him out and he has blossomed since!
We still go to plenty of groups and his social side is definitely improving... by improving I mean he’s starting to break down much less in public, he would be holding back tears initially. He always thinks somebody will say something to him or make fun of him, so his confidence is below zero, but luckily the home schooling groups we attend are full of beautiful souls and nobody has said anything negative. He hasn’t got to the making friends stage but it’s early days.

Can diagnosing him hinder him in any way?
He has suffered from ‘Alice in wonderland syndrome’ most of his life, which definitely became less frequent when he was less stressed out due to school...anyway we took him to a neurologist (we stopped going after the first time as he gave medication ds didn’t want to take, but also they became better as I said) but my son was so worried what he would say, when I asked what he meant he just said he knows his brain isn’t normal and he might say he’s weird. I said that he couldn’t read his mind but also there’s absolutely nothing with having weird thoughts (obsessive thoughts), it just means his imagination is wonderful... but he was still worried.
SO ANYWAY (sorry this is very long winded) my worry is that when I try take him to the doctors for something, he always assumes they will think he’s “weird”.

So how would I explain this? I can tell him until I’m blue in the face that he’s absolutely perfect the way he is, but if I’m taking him to the doctors because of how he is, I have a feeling he will feel very let down by me after all I say to reassure him... If this makes sense?

Also no his ocd hasn’t been diagnosed but it kind of hits you in the face anyway and a diagnosis wasn’t really needed, but it was another thing that he didn’t want to go to the doctors for as they may think he’s “weird”

I’m so sorry this is so long again!

Don't worry about feeling ignorant - that's where I started. I broke down in tears when a distant relative suggested my oldest might be autistic when he was two or three. I had no real idea what it involved. I would have saved a lot of grief if I'd asked advice at that stage instead of brushing it under the carpet and trying to avoid said relative ;).

Have you looked at NAS? It's a good place to start, and where we started with our oldest when he was diagnosed in Year 5.

It's quite common to hear of autistic kids being withdrawn from schools and families starting home education.

I would say that a diagnosis can't hinder in any way. You don't need to declare it but it can help you get the help/advice/support you need.

I went on some excellent courses locally, funded by my local council but cuts may mean there are less of these around now. This is worth a read too.

It's difficult but from your posts you sound like a great mum.

I suppose despite your efforts your poor lad has been labelled as "weird" or different by his peers and that has stuck with him.

Perhaps you could explain how you want to see if his brain works differently for a particular reason. That reason could be something called "Autism" and lots of people are autistic.
It will stop any silly people calling him weird. He's not weird at all, his brain might be wired slightly differently and it would be interesting to find that out.

You can concentrate on his strengths and weaknesses. Eg- you're brilliant at doing impressions, making us laugh and remembering things..and explain how a doctor could help with some things he struggles with, eg a therapist might help you get better at making friends and speaking to people outside.

I don't know your son. That might all sound far too patronising for him!
I think presenting it as a positive step is the way to go.

Diagnosis will only help him. Even if it's not with practical stuff, when he's older he will want to understand himself and his struggles and knowing the reason behind it all will save him a lot of pain.

There is nothing wrong with him. Science is only just beginning to catch up with our brains, mainly due to MRI scans, so that doctors are able to see and identify ALL the different ways our brains work.

Your son sounds lovely. Certainly autism is a thought, or ADHD. Medication is not the devil and can allow children to interact with people and society, in the case of ADHD. Labels can be very useful in helping a child understand they are not strange or weird or unlikable, just different. Sometimes it is an enormous relief to explain all they have suffered.

Well done to your husband. Do some research on the positive information about ASD and ADHD to identify positives and positive role models.