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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you lived your life again would you have kids?if yes, how many, same or less?

61 replies

Chicken1970 · 15/02/2018 11:52

My mum said to me recently if she could live her life again, she wouldn't have kids. My sis chipped in she would have kids if she lived her life again, but just the eldest. What's other peoples opinion? Would you have kids, if you lived your life again? If yes, how many, same or less? Space them out better, have them closer etc?

OP posts:
InSearchOfAPear · 15/02/2018 12:37

Like most people, I wouldn't want to not have my kids. I think the important thing is to pick the right person to have kids with. Life becomes a whole lot harder for everyone once you split up!

Damnthatonestaken · 15/02/2018 13:14

Where is the option for more

MiddleClassProblem · 15/02/2018 13:21

If I did it all again I would only have a child again if it was guaranteed to be DD. If the “deal” was just another child but not DD I wouldn’t have any.

Jaygee61 · 15/02/2018 13:29

I think my mother would have been happier had she not had children. I don't feel harmed by that knowledge, doesn't mean she didn't love us. She just wasn't that cut out to be a mother.

blackteasplease · 15/02/2018 13:32

If I could keep the same personalities of the kids in have now, I would have them a bit later on than I did and closer together. And with a different partner!

But of course that's impossible.

stevie69 · 15/02/2018 13:34

If I lived my life again, no: I wouldn't have any kids.

NovemberWitch · 15/02/2018 13:35

Mine are adults now. No, I wouldn’t change a thing. They are both wonderful and always have been.

abigailsnan · 15/02/2018 13:36

I had my first child when I was 22 followed by two more at 5 year intervals they all seemed like only children (if you know what I mean) I wish I had taken the opportunity to have had another after my last boy was born when I was 37 I always felt something or someone was missing from our family.

CaviarAndCigarettes · 15/02/2018 13:37

I would have all three of them again in a heartbeat but I wish the age gap was bigger. My eldest was three when the third was born.

abigailsnan · 15/02/2018 13:38

^ should read 32 not 37 ^

DollyTots · 15/02/2018 13:38

Loving motherhood and loving your child/children are entirely separate things, so I wouldn't necessarily say it was something horrible of your mum to say. I have one and given another life, I would choose not to have children. I'll always be honest with my daughter about this if she ever asks. I hate that it's such a taboo to say it. It's not saying 'I'd rather you hadn't been born', I love my daughter, I'd do anything for my daughter, I would die for my daughter. It's not HER I would do differently, it's that life.

Thisimmortalcurl · 15/02/2018 13:40

My mum has said before that if she had her time again she wouldn’t have kids. It’s all anxiety related though, she is a massive worrier so it’s in that context rather that not loving us.
I would never recommend my choices in having children. I had so much responsibility at such a young age but then again I wouldn’t swap my life currently with anyone .

acornsandnuts · 15/02/2018 13:42

I would have had one more. I had my last at 30 and thought I was too old for more. That was 17 years ago. The baby stage was never my favourite but once my youngest was 7 or 8 I thought I was much too old.

MrKaplansGlasses · 15/02/2018 13:43

I have 2 DDs 3 years apart. I think I'd like to have had them closer together and maybe one more. Doubtful Ill have any more now.

Upsidedownandinsideout · 15/02/2018 13:44

I kind of wish for my mum that she hadn't had us. She would never say so herself, but she gave up an amazing creative career and was financially and in order not to be deported fairly stuck with my father, who was a good dad but not the best husband, and a long way from her family.

She often says she regrets nothing because without her early choices, good or bad, she wouldn't have had us - but I always think 'but mum, without all of us you would have had YOU'

minipie · 15/02/2018 13:48

I don't know. For me it's on a knife edge whether to say yes or no.

On balance I'll say yes I'd have them again but that's only because I'm just getting to the point where it is getting a bit easier. (DC are 5 and nearly 3, and 5yo's medical issues are finally under control).

I would certainly not advise anyone to have children if they aren't sure about it.

babybobobear · 15/02/2018 13:50

I'd say no I wouldn't have any. I love my DS so much but that's the problem, all the worrying and stress etc!!

Upsidedownandinsideout · 15/02/2018 13:51

For me personally, I have 3 and a shock fourth on the way - now that my life is already so child focussed I'm happy to keep going a bit, and I'd never choose to have fewer DCs. That said if I had a chance to try a different life (without losing this one) I might see what life is like with none - we spent a lot of our 20s on small kids, and without them we would have had so.much more money and less slogging! But then look at my DCs little smooshy faces and regret nothing.😊

BeatyBeast · 15/02/2018 13:54

My mother also says this OP, it makes me laugh because I think she might have a point.

I have two, i adore them, they are the best things I have ever come across (and one is currently a teenager!). I find my hands full with two but if i had my time again AND POTS OF MONEY (that would be the most important part of having more) i would have liked 4. We struggle financially and i would like to be able to give my children every opportunity which i cannot currently afford. I am amazed how people manage to afford more than two on ordianary incomes.

A580Hojas · 15/02/2018 14:00

I would have exactly the same kids but started 2 or 3 years earlier. It makes me sad to read of anyone who regrets having children.

Bitsandbobsalot · 15/02/2018 14:06

I’m about to have my very long wished for and awaited 4th (6 years ttc) My ds is 18 and I have two dds 13 and 16. If I’d of known years ago what I know now I’d of have 5 or 6. So if I had my time again I’d definitely of had more while I was younger. I’ve loved been a mum and as cheesy as it sounds my kids have made my life I couldn’t imagine not having them. I can’t wait to get my hands on this one that’s due August. I’m 34 now so who knows if I’m lucky enough I might just be able to squeeze a 5th in Grin

FlurkenSchnit · 15/02/2018 14:07

It is something I have been pondering recently, which is surprising to me as in the past I have categorically always wanted kids.....I find myself wondering what it would be like to have never had kids, to be free to work whatever hours without sorting childcare, to have money and time to myself or to spend with my husband.
I think I'm just finding 4 DC to be hardgoing at the moment, so perhaps if I were to have my time again I would have just 1 or 2 - I couldn't possibly choose which of my 4 to have again or not though so the "deal" would have to be 1 or 2 completely different children.
Feel bad writing this down!

JustDanceAddict · 15/02/2018 14:30

Certainly don’t regret it. I wouldn’t change the gap although it was hard when they were little - 21 month gap (just!). Has been great as they’ve grown up liking a lot of the same things at the same time, so outings were easy to arrange.
I’m
Glad we stuck at two, although we did discuss 3 at first, it would’ve thrown a big spanner in the works.
Feel bad for anyone whose mum says they regret having kids. Yes, my career would’ve been better and we would be more secure money-wise, and travelled more but there’s plenty of time for travelling in the next couple of decades (and we’ve done a bit with them).

Original poster
Chicken1970 · 15/02/2018 14:33

My mum wasn't a maternal sort. My nan had already told me she had stopped my mum from aborting me, so wasn't a big surprise.
I would have all my kids again. Just would've been a bit older and financially secure first.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 15/02/2018 14:35

My mum is the opposite. She would say that she would have us again.

Me? I think she wasn't, and isn't, cut out for it. She's full of ego and has narcissistic tendencies. She has mental health problems, and when we were very little, she used to regales us daily with detailed stories of how her parents and husband abused her.

She was and is also incredibly focused on her work - when we visit at the weekends now, she will spend every evening and morning in her office.

Yes, I survived. Yes, all four of us went to Russell Group universities, are home owners etc. Yes, I prefer existing to not existing.

But that doesn't mean she was fit to be a mother, not that I'd tell her that.