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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I have gone to work?

55 replies

Pepperpug · 14/02/2018 11:55

I have had a bit of an argument with my Mum this morning and I’m now wondering if I went a bit OTT.

I work part time and my mum looks after DS when I’m at work, she lives nearby so comes to my house early in the morning, 6am, and usually goes back to bed for a few hours until DS wakes up. This morning I went in to her room and shocked by the seriously strong smell of alcohol in the room, I asked her had she been drinking the previous night and she said that she had stayed up drinking til 2. As I got ready for work I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable with the thought of leaving my son with someone who was clearly still drunk so I told my mum my concerns at which point she got up and said she was going home.

I was planning on telling her to get a few hours sleep and I’d go in half day but since she has left she has text me saying how angry she is with me that I humiliated her like that and that I clearly don’t trust her, which of course isn’t true.

I have explained to her that it’s not an issue if trust, I just need her to be 100% when she is looking after her grandson at which point she said I should trust her judgment and that she would of told me if she didn’t feel 100%, and now she refuses to answer the phone to me.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I have trusted her judgment?

We never argue, I don’t really know what to do...Hmm

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/02/2018 13:42

Leave her to cool down. I’d apologise that she feels upset, and reiterate that you would like to talk about it when she feels ready.

nokidshere · 14/02/2018 13:46

Was she really still drunk or did she just smell of alcohol? How old is your child? What time would your child have woken up?

chocolateworshipper · 14/02/2018 13:49

How old is your son? If he's 14 and just prefers some company rather than being at home alone, that's very different to if he's 2.

SweetMoon · 14/02/2018 13:50

How old is your son? And was she actually drunk though?

gillybeanz · 14/02/2018 14:06

Plenty childcare workers doing this OP
Would your mum be talking about the anal she had last night for the first time? Over a room full of toddlers and babies.
I've seen far worse childcare provision, that's why I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole.
I know there are some good providers, but it is a lottery.

However, you don't want this for your child, I don't blame you either.
I hope you find good quality childcare YANBU

JaneEyre70 · 14/02/2018 14:08

She's still your mum, and I'd be more concerned about what was making her drink so heavily. Can you apologise, say you were just shocked and worried and spoke without thinking? And have a chat to her if everything is OK. She's probably very embarassed.

I'd let it go if it has just been this once, but if it happens again, you'll need to make other arrangements.

Original poster
Pepperpug · 14/02/2018 14:08

My son is 14 months and I'm not sure just how drunk she was, she was definitely over the limit to drive but she thinks she would of been fine, she said she would of told me she couldn't look after him if she believed her judgment was compromised.

Her reaction to my asking her how much she had drunk is what is making me question her. To walk out without a discussion is not something she would do sober,

OP posts:
MigGril · 14/02/2018 14:21

Wake up people if you smell of alcohol you are still drunk. It doesn't take much to be over the drink drive limit.

I'd expect any childcare worker to be reprimanded for his behaviour. We had a teacher come into work like this, he rightly got sent home before any children came into contact with him.

BadPolicy · 14/02/2018 14:23

I wouldn't want to leave my child with someone who was clearly drunk, but I don't see anything in your OP that makes me think she was drunk, rather than tired / hungover?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/02/2018 14:23

Wake up people if you smell of alcohol you are still drunk well that's not true, you can have half a glass of wine, smell of alcohol on your breath, and not be at all drunk.

HappyLollipop · 14/02/2018 14:28

YANBU, I wouldn't leave my child with someone who reeked of alcohol as it she must have had quite a bit for it to be the first thing you noticed! she's embarrassed herself and knows it that's why she walked out with disscussing it further I would have a talk with her later about it and tell her that if it happens again you'll be forced to find other more suitable arrangements as you know she wouldn't put her DGS in harms way on purpose but she would be putting him at risk by trying to nurse a hangover and look after a very active 14mo and your just not comfortable with that.

Pickleypickles · 14/02/2018 14:45

I agree also with bewareofdragons BUT i would be concerned, if it is out of character and shes lying about it, that there a bigger problems at foot (not necesarily alcohol related just life related)

LillianGish · 14/02/2018 14:52

We never argue This is what stands out for me. You must have really struck a nerve and that is what I would find worrying. I think you did the right thing - better to offend your mum than to put your ds in a situation where he might be at risk, you would never forgive yourself. You need to to have an honest chat with your mum - do you think she might have a problem? Using grandparents as childcare sometimes seems like the easiest thing to do, but it's not always for the best. If your mum was a childminder the situation would be clear cut. Noone on here can you tell you what to do - only you really know your mum and whether you feel you can trust her. The only advice I would give would be to put your son first in any decision you make. Some things are worth falling out over.

MigGril · 14/02/2018 14:55

Through that's if you had just drunk it. To still smell of alcohol 4 hours after you stopped drinking cleary means you had quit a lot to drink. It's time drinking so much was seen as unacceptable.

Like I said a teacher got sent home for this. A teacher in charge of high school children by the way. It is a disciplinary action in schools and I would hope in child care situations to.

My DH has stop his Dad driving our children for drinking less, when we knew he'd be over the limit. OP was quite right to put the safety of her child first.

Mumbun · 14/02/2018 14:59

You did the right thing.
Your mum is embarrassed - and rightly so imo - but I can't see how you could have 'humiliated' her. It was a private conversation between two adults, you didn't call her out on it in public.
If your mum can't see that drinking until 2am when she has a baby to look after from 6am is irresponsible, then you probably do need to look into other childcare, sorry OP x

Jaxhog · 14/02/2018 15:01

With a DS of 14 months, I would have done the same. It IS a matter of trust in actual fact, as you clearly felt you were unable to trust her with your son as she appeared to be drunk. I'm guessing she knows this and is mostly angry with herself.

She needs to earn back your trust, by not having even one drink before looking after your son again. If she can't do this, then I would be quite concerned about her drinking habits.

Italianherbgarden · 14/02/2018 15:02

like janeeyre, I'm worried about why your mum did this - it's out of character, has something gone wrong?

I would let her cool down, and then i'd be apologetic and want to know why she'd drunk so much - because she doesn't make a habit of it, she's your mum, and loving care by a GP is going to be very hard to replace.

Whether you were right or not about not leaving your DS with her today, in general you want to find out why she did it and assume it won't happen again because it likely won't - we all make mistakes from time to time.

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2018 15:05

I do know what you mean about judgement op. Presumably she wouldn't want her grandchild cared for by someone who was drunk, hungover or smelling of booze.

Italianherbgarden · 14/02/2018 15:06

i can't see on the face of this one blip why you'd want to look for other childcare personally, if your Op had been that she'd done this another time or it was a pattern, then of course it's not reliable childcare. As it is, you weren't BU to not leave DS with her, she got a bit upset which is an understandable reaction, particularly if something else has gone wrong for her recently.

Children get sick at nurseries, you lose workdays there. Nannies can get sick or leave at short notice, and you lose workdays there. There isn't a 100% perfect childcare situation, including looking after them yourself.

Stillme1 · 14/02/2018 15:31

It is a mammoth favour grandparents (or other family members) do to give up their time to look after the children of parents who work.
I think arriving at a house at 6 a.m. is a huge thing.

Now it is expected that grandparents are to restrict their lives the day before looking after children.
However I would not have left a child with anyone who had been drinking.

Perhaps some consideration for family childminders would be an idea. I say this for a specific reason. I look after a family child and I am expected to do things other than just mind the child and to put up with other matters that I do not agree with.

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2018 15:45

The op pays her mum

chocolateworshipper · 14/02/2018 17:21

14 months old = YADNBU

Skittlesss · 14/02/2018 17:30

You're not unreasonable. She drank until 2 am then came over to your house for 6 am and went to bed. You went in and the room smelled strongly of alcohol. This is clearly not the result of a couple of glasses of wine.

Talk to her and see if there's more to it. Tell her you don't want to upset her and you were shocked (if this hasn't happened before).

Skittlesss · 14/02/2018 17:31

Oh and ignore those talking about family and not paying for the care - just because she's your mum doesn't mean it's ok.

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2018 17:31

But she does pay anyway

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