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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Playdate

72 replies

Soopydoopy · 13/02/2018 20:05

A couple of weeks ago, SIL asked if her DS (7) could come play with my DS (18 months) as her DS really likes my DS. Very cute for an older kid to want to spend time with a toddler so I happily agreed.

She suggested Wednesday and I agreed, details TBC later. I texted her this evening and suggested that they come in the morning and stay for lunch, then just assuming they'd wander off as my DS would have his nap.

She had hoped she could drop her DS off for the whole day while she did other stuff. She says it's crossed wires and her DS is desperate to spend the day with us and just assumed it would be all day.

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Would other parents here assume that a playdate with a toddler would last all day and their parent would not be present?

Thanks

OP posts:
Godowneasy · 13/02/2018 20:50

Be careful that she doesn't agree to pick him up at 1pm then phone you just before with some excuse about why she can't collect him after all til much later!

You must tell her that you have plans in the afternoon though. Perhaps change the arrangements to a completely different day and just invite them over for later in the afternoon.

welliments · 14/02/2018 01:46

He’s your nephew.

I don’t get why you wouldn’t?

So what if his mum is a bit of a CF, what’s more important than your little one hanging out with his big cousin. Family time is really precious.

SweetMoon · 14/02/2018 01:59

How do you suddenly have plans if your ds will be taking a nap and you can't leave the house? Your ds will probably love having this little boy to play with and while your ds is napping stick a DVD in for your dn.

GnotherGnu · 14/02/2018 02:14

Tell her it's impossible for her DD to stay for the afternoon because, as you have said, you have other plans.

Cavender · 14/02/2018 02:22

7 yos are easy. Board games, snap, crafts, they are usually quite happy to help with dusting, polishing etc.

They are also a great age for baking and cooking.

She sounds like she needs childcare and has been a little underhand. Just make sure you clarify things next time visits are discussed.

If he wants to see your DS, you going to visit their house would give you more control.

Original poster
Soopydoopy · 14/02/2018 05:39

I 'suddenly have plans' as we're going out after nap time and I don't think it's fair to bring another child to someone else's house. It's not like I can reschedule either as I normally work full time and have taken this week off work to be with DS due to childcare issues.

OP posts:
MrsPicklesonSmythe · 14/02/2018 05:48

Some families mystify me. He’s your nephew would you not look forward to spending a bit of time with him anyway? What a shame.

Original poster
Soopydoopy · 14/02/2018 05:55

It's not that I don't want to spend time with DN but if SIL is being a CF I'd rather nip it in the bud and organise a Saturday where I knew that we would be together all day and I could prepare. I know it'll sound daft to most of you but I have so little experience of this age group that I wouldn't know where to start. Toddlers at least I understand!

OP posts:
Original poster
Soopydoopy · 14/02/2018 05:57

Mrs Pickleson - to clarify, you think I should cancel my afternoon as the two hours we have organised to spend together this morning aren't enough?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 14/02/2018 05:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 14/02/2018 06:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mossbystrand · 14/02/2018 06:12

It's Valentine's day today and if you're not careful the whole day childcare will stretch to include the evening too. She's probably got a whole day date lined up and is wanting her son out of the way for that.

If you cancel your afternoon plans then she'll expect that every single time. So have him for the morning/lunch and get her to pick up at x o'clock because you've got a pre arranged appointment. Tell your sil that you've already made plans and can't cancel, she didn't give you enough notice for a play date.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2018 06:21

You have taken a week off work due to childcare issues. And in that week off, your sil expected to look after her child for an entire day. If you were a sahm and could meet your friends anytime, then you could probably reschedule, as is, you can’t. Why should she expect you to look after her child for a whole day when your ds naps? A 7 yo isn’t exactly fully autonomous either.

MissDuke · 14/02/2018 06:26

Personally I wouldn't have got too worked up about it, I would have just explained I had made plans for later in the day. Though I do think it was a bit odd doing that before confirming the plans with SIL. I help family and friends out with childcare all the time, I love spending time with their dc though so I guess that is the difference. I also love that my dc are very close to their cousins etc. Your excuse that you aren't used to 7 year olds and wouldn't know what to do etc is a bit weak - it really isn't rocket science, they are all individual anyway plus no one has one until they have one, then they just have to suck it up Grin

Anyway I am sure your little one will love the visit.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 14/02/2018 06:34

To answer your original question, no, there's no way I would have expected that your DN would be coming all day, and without a parent. Your SIL has been pretty duplicitous about the whole thing and it's no coincidence that it's half term.

Does she have form for being cheeky?

Iluvthe80s · 14/02/2018 06:45

Soopy She's being a bit cheeky and taking advantage. You've had to take a week off work to cover for your child. Best make it clear now in the nicest possible way that a couple of hours is fine but not a whole day. Some people take advantage and expect too much of others where "free" child care is concerned.

DumptonPark · 14/02/2018 06:47

I think you've done the right thing. I'd actually offer to look after him in the future as 7 year olds are quite easy and he can entertain your LO, but on this occasion she was clearly being underhand.

Jdabbers · 14/02/2018 06:52

She's being cheeky but clearly needs help with childcare for some reason.

I'd call her out on it, plain English 'I thought this was a morning playdate but clearly you want me to babysit'. If you're happy to, help her on this occasion st short notice but make it clear this will not become a habit and if she needs help she asks... like an adult

FrancisCrawford · 14/02/2018 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RingFence · 14/02/2018 07:08

She's using you as free childcare. It's not a play date and I very much doubt her 7 year old is interested in playing with your toddler.
I would tell her they're welcome to pop over in the morning but you need them to leave by nap time as your son needs to wind down. Ask her to stay or rearrange, as you were looking forward to catching up and don't feel confident supervising both. Otherwise she will probably be late picking up or not pick up until evening- something 'urgent' will come up. Don't let her see you as a soft touch or she'll be dropping him off all the time!

FinallyHere · 14/02/2018 07:10

This ^ , wot RingFence said.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 14/02/2018 07:33

I love that people on this thread think you should have been a doormat to sneaky sil.

Not that I don't have a tiny bit of respect for her trying it! Maybe next time she'll just ask.

jinglymum · 14/02/2018 07:50

My little boy who is nearly 7 loves being with his cousin who is almost 6 months old, I can imagine he will love spending time with him even more when he’s 18 months.

I’d be really hurt if my sister felt like this about having my son over. I don’t think it’s cheeky in the slightest, however we are very close and share childcare lots.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 14/02/2018 07:54

It totally depends on the relationship with the sil. It’s all well and good saying “oh but you’re family”. In my family, this wouldn’t happen between sils. I would never say “let’s have a play date” when what I really mean is “I want you to babysit my ds while I fuck off and do other stuff”. If anyone in our family provides free childcare, we agree it in advance and buy thank you presents etc.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 14/02/2018 07:59

I don't think it would be cheeky had the sil asked the op. But she hasn't.

An all play date with no supervision? That's not a play date. That's childcare. As the op said, she's not used to looking after a 7 year old. It's entirely different to say dropping off a 7 year old with a friend where they probably could be left to play independently for a while.

I would look after my sils children in a heartbeat. But my sil would ask me! And she would be nice and probably bring me some flowers to say thanks as she really appreciates the help.

This sil hasn't done that. She's been quite cheeky about arranging a 'play date'. Plus the op has plans. The ops child will need a nap. Of course she shouldn't bend over backwards to facilitate this cheeky fuckery.