Husband and I splitting up

[fedup55]

I'm so fed up, all we do is bicker and argue. It's always over nothing, the mundane things. In an ideal world he would like me not to moan, meaning he would leave the house a mess and not clean or tidy until it suits him. Not an option when we both work and have a young baby. His standards of cleaning are a lot lower than mine. But I'm not clean freak by any means either I just expect the kitchen clean for me coming home from work. He doesn't have to start work till 1pm but chooses to go in at 10/11am. I start at 7am so I can get home at 4pm for the baby. I do my chores and spend time with baby after work. I expect him to do his before since he's not in till 7/8pm. The baby is clingy after 4pm and won't go down to let me get much done. If I say/moan that this or that hasn't been done then he cracks up. He will often go moody and silent and half the time I don't even know he's in a mood coz I'm busy.

I never go out, I do the lions share with the baby and don't have an issue with that. He complained last month that I didn't let him organise a night out in advance for his bday. I asked to go out at after 8 as I was working and this gave me a chance to eat and tidy before he went out. I wasn't going, no babysitter. He wanted people to the house at 6 but I asked him not to and also not to go out at 6, as I was working. He knows I have no issue with how late he stays out and most likely he wouldn't have came home till Sunday. As long as I know he is safe I don't mind this. He had a go at me saying I never allow him out and he's only been out twice this year, on both those occasions me and the baby also were invited but I drove to allow him the opportunity to drink. On both those occasions he didn't come near me or the baby as he was socialising, he got me a glass of juice as quickly as he could then went back to his mates who he had been with for hours on his own before we arrived. He didn't go and get me any food that had been served even tho he knew I hadn't ate all day and had asked him to get me some. When I said this to him he said I was being unreasonable. That's what he's like all the time.

I thought it was quite a big deal going back to work after mat leave and was anxious about leaving the baby and thought he would have came and met me for lunch one day, we work in the same town and used to do it often but he made no effort. When I mentioned it to him I was being dramatic and everyone has to leave their baby to go back to work.....

He had the cheek to tell me the other day that I don't care about him, when pushed he wouldnt give any reasons then eventually said it was I pull away from cuddles etc. I have explained this to him before that I just feel like he doesn't have any consideration for me at all and I'm just a nuisance to him. He only seems to want me when it suits him and I find it hard to have this affection when he's just called me dramatic and not taken my feelings on board when saying how hurt I was he didn't want to meet me for a quick lunch on my first week back. I make mountains out of molehills apparently. Iv told him that I feel he doesn't take anything I say seriously and dismisses me all the time so in his ideal world i wouldn't complain to him when I feel like this. This would result in me being sent to a loony bin.

I don't know what to do anymore. He organised a workman to come to the house first thing this morning and didn't tell me till last night. I had no means to pay him and didn't have the paperwork he needed as husband has put it away somewhere. I phoned him 6 times to ask for it but he didn't get the missed calls. I'm being dramatic about having an issue with this and for not being happy that there was no way for me to pay. He is now going to do a bank transfer but this was only organised after I asked him to sort it. I just wanted a simple sorry I'll be more organised in future.

So there's a snippet in to my shit life at the minute. I'm fed up and want to run away but we don't have any where to go. AIBU?

The last thing you should do is compromise your earning power to enable this man, OP.

I really appreciate all the comments and advice but I'm so conflicted. What do I do??

I won't be changing my hours or giving up my job, Iv already arranged my hours and leave around childcare.

He's in a bad place and has a big chip on his shoulder about me. If he could see the big picture he would see he needs to accommodate us a bit more and change. I feel bad saying he needs to change but I think he does, his attitude is really bad.

A PP said it took her husband 20 months to come to settle in to father hood.

I don't want to leave him but if he doesn't change then my life is going to be miserable. I also don't want that for my son.

Op my oh also needs "reminding" to do jobs. It's very annoying.
The difference is that he doesn't resent me or go out on benders all the time.

In your shoes I would tell him that you're unhappy and want to go to couples counselling. If he feels hard done by he may jump at the chance, if he wants it to work out he'll probably agree to it. If he refuses I'd take that as a sign that he's not prepared to make the effort and call it a day.

He mentioned counselling a while ago and I dismissed it as I felt like it was a sign of us being big fat failures and having someone else to sort things out. I realise now it's not a sign of failing and told him to sort it for us if he wanted to do it. Still waiting.

He's in bed and not happy I woke him to dry my hair, he goes to bed before me, gets up later than me and I do a night feed. The man is driving me insane!!!

If wee one sleeps through tonight and get up at usual time then hubby will be getting around 9/10 hours sleep but he hasn't found the time to remove dirty dishes from the spare room (he slept there on sat when he was drinking) or put away his pile of washing from last week. I haven't stopped all day, I'm knackered. Have to lay out clothes for him to put on baby tomorrow, dry my hair and get some sleep before the alarm at 6am it's times like this I resent him the most, yes he came home and cleaned the dinner dishes as I was bathing and getting baby to bed but that's all he done and he thinks he deserves a medal. Oh and the rubbish is still sitting, it stinks and it's my pet hate!!

FWIW I think you have to ask him to leave. Make him move out for a bit so that he can see what his life will be like without you and his dd there and so you can see what your life would be without his juvenile behaviour. He will only change is he wants to and atm he doesn't want to and doesn't intend to.

Also as pp said he is showing signs of being emotionally abusive by turning any complaints about his behaviour into your issue. You may go on too much but I'm assuming that you only do because you've asked nicely too many times before and he's ignored you.

Make him move out and give yourself a break. By the sound of it he's not spending any appreciable time with your dd because he's choosier to dump her on the childminder hours before he need do so.

He isn't being fair and you know it, he's being an immature prick and treating you as an servant and and object where it comes to sex.

He won't change while you let him treat you like that.

Well he's just informed me that we don't have sex as I just lie there and he doesn't enjoy it.... he understands this is because he used to be very selfish in bed while I made all the effort but doesn't think this should be an issue now.

He said he's sick of me making every issue about him and his fault. He isn't happy that I forced him to have a conversation with me as he was wanting to do it in his own time. He has been vacant and off with me since Saturday. Says why are we having this conversation when we both say it's over but he's in the marital bed and asking if he can eat dinner Iv cooked.

Iv tried to tell him he has never been supportive of me and never gives me his time but he's dismissing it and doesn't see it's a big deal.

I'm so annoyed. I'm up early for work and we've just had another row, baby has woke up and husband has come in and told me he's sick of me getting upset when wit the baby. I'm actually shocked, I'm in tears about the state of my fucking life and that's what he comes off with.

He won't go, Iv asked him to leave and he tried to make me sleep in the spare room away from baby who co-sleeps with us. He isn't even being realistic or rational with his arguments.

He thinks I should be explaining to him when I'm having a bad day so might be pissed off and ratty. Has anyone ever been able to rationally explain this to the person that has pissed you off?? He's lucky I don't wrap my hands round his neck

Are you still ‘in love with him’ not just love him? I could have written your post myself, the lack of practical & emotional support and the stupid accusations etc but I also found out when I was pregnant (with our first, very much wanted IVF baby) that he was cheating. Again neither of us could afford to move out or had anywhere we could go and selling wasn’t an option,as I’m self employed and work from our house. At this point I realised yes I care for/ love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. We cohabit in separate bedrooms (with a 9 week old new born!) I pretty much see myself as a single parent as he does fuck all to help and I couldn’t give a fuck. I don’t care what he does (or who with!!) and ironically we get along far better now as once I realised I wasn’t emotionally invested anymore it didn’t matter how much of a dick he was. It’s not ideal but it means we can both live here and start putting money away for the future when we either meet someone else or just want our own place. I’m sorry you are going through this, being mad out to be irrational and not have your feelings validated is shit. Xx

One observation. Your messages are full of blame and "you always" or "you never"

That's an unhealthy communication style in a relationship.

Better to adopt the approach of "I'd like it if you..." or "will you help with the..."

IF he’s got such good mates to socialise with, then they’d let him kip on the couch for a couple of days whilst you cleared your head. Tell him to go. He’s selfish, hasn’t adjusted to fatherhood, expects you to wifework and is setting the building blocks of “she’s mad and nags” for gas lighting and to remove your support network. See how you both feel after a week apart. It will either make or break. Good luck.

Mydog - I'm not in love with him but together so long that I do love him and care for him. That must be so hard for you living like that but I'm glad t seems to be working for you. That's big decisions to make with a new baby. We did try living like that but he always ends up back in my bed and things just slide back to normal.

Kiwi - I agree, we are so far past this tho that it's so hard in the moment to have that respect for one another. Sad isn't it?

Savvy - Iv asked him to do that and he won't go. I think it's his pride and in his head he doesn't think it's over or things are that bad so by going or letting other people know he's out the house then it's like admitting it? He also said that I walk all over him and everyone can see it. I'm warped and I'm always on his case. At least he has now told me what the issue is. He seems to understand that I have had no support from him whatsoever but has never done anything about it

Why don’t you have access to money to pay the workmen?

He sounds abusive actually. He does not bother clearing up after himself, he wants nothing to do on practically caring for his child, he contributes nothing to the daily household tasks unless you repeteadly ask, he’s always off out drinking and only around to eat does not clean up after himeself nor does he cook for you both.

If you want to discuss the above issues he tells you everything’s your fault.

Sex sounds horrendous he doesn’t want the experience of mutual pleasure he wants you to get him off and doesn’t care how you experience it.

Ever consider your life would be less stressful without him around?

Half the work would disappear if he wasn’t leaving his mess around.

He sounds really really vile.

And why is he moaning about you to your family and make urial friends. At the very least get your family on side and tell close friends what’s happening.

This is so abusive he’s trying to leave you with no allies.

Fuzzy - I do have access to money but never have cash as had no car to get to the bank. It was short notice. We have separate accounts.

There's no abuse , he has his money and I have mine.

I don’t think this is petty. He doesn’t take care of or want to spend time with his baby. He is grim towards you in many ways. It did not sound as if it was good before you had a baby.
If this guy ‘settles into fatherhood’ it would be a literal miracle.
I really feel for you, OP. Usually I’d say take him up on the suggestion of counselling (the one good thing about him you’ve mentioned) but he seems to have so little respect for you so i don’t know. A really good couples’ therapist could help you both to work through things and decide a plan for the future, which would make separating easier of that is what you decide on. Get a recommendation if you can.

You sound like me nearly 20 years ago. I couldn't figure out what was wrong either, all I knew was that I was the only one trying. You need to accept that you can't make it work for both of you, he needs to try too, he doesn't try because he doesn't want to.

You sound tired & I'm not surprised. Your working, taking care of a baby & trying to create a life with someone who wants out.

How about having a plan to work through this, but a plan that's focused on you, not him or us, just you. That way you can get your mind straight & make some decisions.

Sleep - Can you go to your mums for a weekend so that you can get some time alone & catch up on some sleep?
Talking it through - Can you talk to your family about this? It might help you think it through. They may also have insights into him & the situation.
Decision time - Make a call. You can't spend the rest of your life being treated like this. Know that not everyone who ends a relationship wanted it to end, sometimes there's no choice.

FWIW It turned out my ex dh was a closet homosexual. I couldn't figure out what was wrong because he was never honest with me about who he was, I don't think he was honest with himself. I have alarm bells about your DH wanting a baby 10 years ago & now not being particularly interested. I think wives & children are sometimes a distraction device for men who fear coming out, especially when they live in small towns where they fear they would be ridiculed.

You sound like an extremely hardworking woman, a devoted mum and a good person. You are strong enough to make decisions on this that protect you and your baby. Stop putting him 1st. You matter too.