Husband and I splitting up

[fedup55]

I'm so fed up, all we do is bicker and argue. It's always over nothing, the mundane things. In an ideal world he would like me not to moan, meaning he would leave the house a mess and not clean or tidy until it suits him. Not an option when we both work and have a young baby. His standards of cleaning are a lot lower than mine. But I'm not clean freak by any means either I just expect the kitchen clean for me coming home from work. He doesn't have to start work till 1pm but chooses to go in at 10/11am. I start at 7am so I can get home at 4pm for the baby. I do my chores and spend time with baby after work. I expect him to do his before since he's not in till 7/8pm. The baby is clingy after 4pm and won't go down to let me get much done. If I say/moan that this or that hasn't been done then he cracks up. He will often go moody and silent and half the time I don't even know he's in a mood coz I'm busy.

I never go out, I do the lions share with the baby and don't have an issue with that. He complained last month that I didn't let him organise a night out in advance for his bday. I asked to go out at after 8 as I was working and this gave me a chance to eat and tidy before he went out. I wasn't going, no babysitter. He wanted people to the house at 6 but I asked him not to and also not to go out at 6, as I was working. He knows I have no issue with how late he stays out and most likely he wouldn't have came home till Sunday. As long as I know he is safe I don't mind this. He had a go at me saying I never allow him out and he's only been out twice this year, on both those occasions me and the baby also were invited but I drove to allow him the opportunity to drink. On both those occasions he didn't come near me or the baby as he was socialising, he got me a glass of juice as quickly as he could then went back to his mates who he had been with for hours on his own before we arrived. He didn't go and get me any food that had been served even tho he knew I hadn't ate all day and had asked him to get me some. When I said this to him he said I was being unreasonable. That's what he's like all the time.

I thought it was quite a big deal going back to work after mat leave and was anxious about leaving the baby and thought he would have came and met me for lunch one day, we work in the same town and used to do it often but he made no effort. When I mentioned it to him I was being dramatic and everyone has to leave their baby to go back to work.....

He had the cheek to tell me the other day that I don't care about him, when pushed he wouldnt give any reasons then eventually said it was I pull away from cuddles etc. I have explained this to him before that I just feel like he doesn't have any consideration for me at all and I'm just a nuisance to him. He only seems to want me when it suits him and I find it hard to have this affection when he's just called me dramatic and not taken my feelings on board when saying how hurt I was he didn't want to meet me for a quick lunch on my first week back. I make mountains out of molehills apparently. Iv told him that I feel he doesn't take anything I say seriously and dismisses me all the time so in his ideal world i wouldn't complain to him when I feel like this. This would result in me being sent to a loony bin.

I don't know what to do anymore. He organised a workman to come to the house first thing this morning and didn't tell me till last night. I had no means to pay him and didn't have the paperwork he needed as husband has put it away somewhere. I phoned him 6 times to ask for it but he didn't get the missed calls. I'm being dramatic about having an issue with this and for not being happy that there was no way for me to pay. He is now going to do a bank transfer but this was only organised after I asked him to sort it. I just wanted a simple sorry I'll be more organised in future.

So there's a snippet in to my shit life at the minute. I'm fed up and want to run away but we don't have any where to go. AIBU?

He sounds awful and wants things to stay the way they are but you’ve to pretend to be happy and not nag him?

And using your own sisters words against you to shut you up is fucking low btw and likely twisted to make you feel bad.

Upon reading your updates, he is sounding more and more like a dick!

' He's chatting to our mutual friends and my family about my 'behaviour' and painting me to be a bitch. He's telling me my sister agrees I moan too much and need to reign it in.'

K, let's look at this: he's a manipulative pish heid who sees you as a domestic appliance with sex on the side. He doesn't give a shit how you feel, it's all a 'moan' to him.

STOP feeling like a 'mega bitch' for not putting up with his behaviour.

Tell him again, Yes, I want you to go.

He doesn't have anywhere to go? What about all these mates he goes out on the lash with? He can go and crash with one of them.

He doesn't care, fedup. He sees all lifework as your job, plus childcare and expecting him to do anything is 'moaning'.

Thanks all. Some sound advice here and it's nice to be heard.

Matilda

Yes I do want to stay with him but he 100% needs to change and do it quick. I don't think it's going to happen though and I'm sick waiting. He wouldn't care if I didn't pack the stuff and would go out without it and either not notice or care that baby hasn't been fed, has no blanket or is out in the cold without a hat. He doesn't think these things are a big deal. I know it's not the end of the world but I just want to know baby is looked after. He puts baby in the car without a blanket all the time, in the -3 icy weather and a blanket of snow on the ground. He doesn't feel the cold so doesn't think baby does either.

He will happily clean the kitchen after he comes home from work (and forget to clean half of it) while I take baby to bed but Iv asked for him to clean it in the morning instead of leaving it otherwise the kitchen is only clean when everyone is bed and dirty for the rest of the day plus I need it clean to start dinner when I get in. He will do it but hates to be told/asked and is quite petulant about it.

Options are we sell up, neither can afford to live alone. I will end up moving back to my mums which is in another country and I don't want to take baby away from him either.

He sounds like a massive dick.

When you asked him to leave I think that was an opportunity to show him that you mean business, unfortunately you believed him when he said he had nowhere to go and went back on it. Do they not have hotels where you live?

Tell him to leave, and this time make sure he goes. Hopefully this will shock some sense into him.

Expat

All true except sex. What is that?? I got pissed off during sex when I was 4 months pregnant. It felt different and I wasn't getting anywhere, got annoyed and took it out on him. He took the huff and didn't come near me every again. I made the effort when baby was about 4 months old, I was expecting a bit of a warm up. He stuck his dick in my face.... we've had sex 4 times since baby was born, Iv initiated it all.

Got baby to bed early last week, made a lovely dinner for us and was expecting to have a nice bit of time together. He took it in the living room and sat in silence watching tv. He told me the next day he was in a mood with me coz I snapped about something when he came home from work so couldn't be bothered to make conversation. Had he told me that at the time I'd have cooked my own dinner and went for a bath!

The lack of communication is very much on his part. I can't hold my tongue, he knows exactly how I feel! Iv asked him repeatedly what he wants from me and it's me not to moan.

'telling everyone you are 'mad' and unreasonable is a common tactic of abusive men, as is a complete refusal to do any domestic work or childcare.'

I agree. I had a boyfriend who tried this. He revealed himself to be a misogynistic twat who also want on the lash with his mates nearly every night. He even blamed his alcoholism and smoking on me, even though he was like that long before I came along.

It sounds like what happened here is that you grew up and the scales fell from your eyes. He hasn't. Even the holidays in your 20s. He laughed at you for taking a book along? All he wanted to do was get pissed?

Don't get me wrong, I love a good sesh myself, but an entire holiday of it? That starts to get kinda old after a while.

And you know, if I were mates with a guy like this, my thought would be, 'Why isn't he ever at home with his kid and wife?' and think he was a loser for always propping up the bar.

Yes I def have grown up and he hasn't. I was a teenager when we met, he's slightly older and I was his first girlfriend.

It's all just a horrible big mess. He will never change but staying is making me miserable.

'and I don't want to take baby away from him either.'

Oh, give over! Who wants their baby round a person who doesn't give a shit if their own kid is even cold? He's a manchild. 'This isn't working. We need to split,' and then do it.

Ok you can start by making some compromises on both sides.
Start by agreeing some "me time" for both of you. He should go out more for a start. I still went out every Friday night when mine were young whilst DH stayed with the kids - Ok I didn't get really pissed all the time but it made me feel that life hadn't changed that dramatically and that I was still me. You can do whatever you want in "your" time.

Schedule in some couple time(a date night?) and family time too. He's more likely to want to do that if he isn't made to stay in most weeks and it seems at the moment he is only allowed out occasionally when you deem the chores are finished and the baby is sorted. You can cope on your own for one early evening and night a week. Obviously he can't then bow out of the rest of the weekend because he is always nursing a hangover.

Basically you need to communicate and be nice to each other. Try to use "it makes me feel" sentences rather than "you do/don't do" sentences. You are both in a vicious circle. If he knows you are close to breaking point then he needs to meet you half way. If he isn't prepared to, then you are perfectly entitled to walk away. But you do need to listen to his gripes too - and give him more freedom. Does it really matter if he does the chores at 8pm rather than before he goes to work, as long as he does them? You perhaps need to relax your standards a bit too. If he isn't moaned at so much, then he might be more considerate. A bit of give and take and understanding things from each others perspective. I know I was wrapped up in my babies and was very controlling about their routines etc. But in retrospect who is to say our way was right?

OP... You've said

He likes to go out on the lash. Hes saying being pissed is more fun and exciting than family.

he took the piss that you took books on holiday - I had an ex that did this. He was insecure as fuck about me being smarter than him. Your DH is telling you what he thinks of you. Who takes the piss out of their partner over something so silly like this and its not even a funny thing.

Hes sat in front of the TV despite you making a meal for two. He's telling you to fuck off out of his space/thoughts.

Sex was uncomfortable during pregnancy - It usually is. It feels weird. I never got used to baby going nuts when I orgasmed so I stopped having sex. I was feelingOK to start up again after about 8weeks post birth but was then single.

You initiated sex and she stuck his dick in your face. Thats not a lot what a loving partner does that to me is how a man behaves when he wants what he wants and cant be bothered to put any effort in.

Also... he's going into work early when he doesn't need to. Who is looking after the baby? is he putting the baby in nursery early? why?

All of this is telling me he's checked out, he doesn't want to do this and the sex thing... He's vile doing that. Esp after no sex for a while he's expecting you to put out in such a grim, cold way. He's demeaning with the way he talks to you.

If this was me... it was actually but I ditched DCs sperm donor when pregnant ... I'd make him move out. I couldn't an wouldn't put up with it.

... Or he might be an abusive tit but most of it sounds like you have just lost your relationship and it all sounds a slog and not much fun.

'If he knows you are close to breaking point then he needs to meet you half way. If he isn't prepared to, then you are perfectly entitled to walk away. But you do need to listen to his gripes too - and give him more freedom.'

He doesn't want to compromise a thing! He needs more freedom? The OP has already stated that he goes out with his mates often enough, and even stays out all night, but she needs to listen to his gripes and compromise even more and give him more freedom?

I do agree about giving him more freedom, FWIW, kick him out.

Blue - yeah he drops baby off to childminder early, around 9ish usually. There's no time frame so baby can get dropped off any time. He chooses to do this early then says he doesn't have time to tidy his breakfast dishes away.

I'm not asking for a full clean up, just tidy enough that I can cook dinner and sit at a clean table to eat with baby

Alot- it is a slog. I have no issue with him going out, I suppose the problem is that he wants to go out and not spend time with me. If he invested time in me I'd be happy for him to go out. Or if he at least considered me first and was thoughtful about times etc. I'm not his keeper and he doesn't need to ask permission. He always enjoyed weekends away with the boys and I visit family often with baby so he has had about a 4 nights (inc a weekend) to himself every month since baby was born. We are going away for 4 nights soon so another reason I was reluctant about him going out early. I thought he would like to use his 'free' weekend to go out at whatever time he liked and have a hangover in peace.

Op, only you know the dynamics between the two of you. Relationships are hard work when babies are tiny. Try relate as a pp suggested. It is a shame you've lost direction as a couple but you can't mend this all on your own. You both have to want to get it back on the right track.

Good luck.

Thats not good enough OP so hes not only dropping baby off early I could understand 9am start, home to do a tidy, dress then go to work, but he's going into work and doing what exactly?

why does he need to go into work early? In fact OP are you sure he is going into work early? is he paid overtime for doing so? Sorry to ask these questions but not that many people willingly go to work 2 hours early on a regular basis. Once or twice to get ahead if its a really full week rather than working late every day. Yep I can get that.

Is his workload so bloody full that hes effectively working up to an extra 10 hours a week? seriously if hes not being paid for that work then WTF is he doing? If hes actually doing it.

Yes I have no doubt he's in work. He's building up his hours and will use them to take leave later on.

He does say his workload is very heavy, I get that he's keen to do a good job and is trying to impress the new boss but things change with a baby.

I have the option to work up my hours too but don't as I want home to baby. As baby gets older bedtime will have to be earlier meaning husband won't be home before bedtime and isn't having much time in the morning. I want him to go to work later and finish later if he has to as at least he gets the quality time with baby in the AM.

OK so you have work stress thrown into it that isnt helping and hes disconnecting from all of you. This isnt good but he's got to want to change too.

When does he plan to take the leave? will this involve a family holiday or more regular piss ups? That plan will probably tell you more about how he feels about the family than you think.

I still think he has checked out an cant be arsed so he's hiding wherever he can. Work, booze... TV.

He says work isn't stressing him but I know he's trying to impress. He's getting a bonus for his efforts. He's not under pressure for targets etc

He plans to take leave when the baby isn't at the childminder to allow me to go to work. Iv asked him over the years to use his leave for us to do stuff together but he does tend to spend it alone. I'm glad he's taking it off with baby tho.

yes that is something OP but hes CHOOSING not to spend time with you. Hes making no effort at all to be with you.

Id ask him outright to make a plan for you both to have a week off together and do things as a family. If he wont go for that then he isnt going to change at all. I'm sorry.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, just wanted to say I hear you. DH and I were exactly the same after DS was born, and had just about got onto an even keel at 20 months, and now I'm pregnant again (much wanted on my part!) and we're both worried it'll happen again but worse because we're not starting from as good a point as we were at pre-DS iyswim.

In my view the answer is to have consideration for each other- but I don't know how to get them to have consideration for us. Maybe relationship counselling?

It sounds like you’re really not getting on.
Work out if you want to fix it or not.
Could you compromise and cope better with him cleaning up after work rather than before. Is there really a lots of mess? Or is it a toaster plate and a coffee cup? My husband and I have had times where we’ve annoyed each other. He is tidier than I am and I refuse to be nagged about it. I asked him earlier on what was a deal breaker and what wasn’t.
Instead of him nagging me, we trade jobs, so I cook and he washes up, I do the Laundry and he does the vacuuming.
I made it really clear from the beginning that I wasn’t going to put up with being nagged and if that happened I would leave. Life is too short to fall out over a plate and a coffee cup.

Coastal - I hate nagging and moaning about everything. I don't want to do it but the alternative would be living in a pigsty and having to do it all myself. It's not just a cup and a plate. It's porridge all over the high chair, kitchen table, floor. Worktops full of bits of food etc. I wouldn't care if it was a plate. I just want the dirt wiped up and the plates piled by the sink!!

Would changing your hours help at all? Or is it all just putting off the inevitable? You have to both really want to make it work and find compromises.
If not, you’re better to go your separate ways now rather than further down the line.
It sounds like you’re bickering all the time and that’s no good for anyone.

He sounds like a knob
He's lazy around the house
He's not nice to you
He doesn't seem to want to make the necessary sacrifices you have to make to be a father

I really can't see what about this relationship is worth saving