Should I do something or stay out dh mil sil

[Lemongingertea80]

This is all getting so muddled in my head and I don't know what I should do. I'll try not to drip feed.

SIL is getting married and it is abroad. It will cost us several thousand to go. Last year, I indicated we would and that we were really looking forward to it. I found flights, accommodation, planned it all, booked my leave at work etc.

Dh never shared my enthusiasm and never looked at flights or accommodation etc. He seemed disinterested in the whole thing and when I tried to show him places etc he wasn't properly paying attention or getting enthusiastic. I then backed off the arrangements as it was getting irritating and it's his side of the family after.all. He is civil with his sister but they are not close at all.

I see MIL every week when she sees the children. Recently I let mil know in conversation we haven't booked anything as she keeps asking, and i hinted to mil that dh wasn't keen on going but didn't really expand on why as I think that's his concern. And I'm not clear why myself anyway, not sure he is either!

Basically it is now at the point where it is much more expensive for us to go. Dh is saying that we can't afford it now which is a bit annoying as if we wanted to we could although it would blow our savings as we are in a tight patch. Plus it would have been cheaper if we had booked earlier but he stalled and didn't want to so it obviously isn't just about the money.

Now MIL keeps messaging me to say we can borrow money from them to go which is ridiculous in my view. Why would we take on debt to go to someone elses wedding??

I am not keen on being the one to explain dh doesn't want to go. I think it's his issue he needs to sort out with his relatives.

I am disappointed with the situation as in theory it could have been a lovely experience for the children and they will miss out on a family wedding but I have zero intention of going without him. Nor do I want to put pressure on him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go and then be dragging round a stroppy dh and paying for the pleasure of it. It is not the kind of place we would choose to Holiday so we only.be going for the one day of wedding activity. But we would have to go for at least a week.

Aibu? Should I be making good with the in laws on this or should I leave it to him? What should I say to mil who is trying to get me to sort it all out? I sense a family drama looming arrggghhhh. Help me!

No idea why she wants to lend us money to go. We don't want to create a situation where she feels we are trying to get her to pay for us!

I have no intention of forcing any issue at any point. It isn't my issue to force or resolve.

This might seem like an odd solution, but why don't you go alone? You want to go, your DH doesn't. It would be significantly cheaper. PLUS it gets your MIL off your back - after all there's no point talking to you about it if you're coming; she'd have to talk to your DH.

I'd get your own ticket booked OP

I don't want to go by myself. I like the idea of taking the kids and I don't want to boycott the wedding if at all possible. But I have plenty action on my side of the family to keep me busy!

In the end, your MIL has to realise that this is coming from your DH. He should really man up and tell her himself that he simply doesn't want to go, rather than all this ostrich-behaviour.
I wouldn't want to go to a family wedding of someone to whom I wasn't close, regardless of supposed relationship, if it meant costing me £1000s either!

Oh MIL obviously I liked the idea but it's up to DH. You need to discuss it with him.

MIL probably wants all her family together on a family occasion and/or is being pressured by her DD to make sure your DH (and his family?) are at her wedding?

Definitely the right thing to get DH to sort this out with his DM and DSIS.

You did kind of cause the situation though OP by being involved at the start.

You indicated you were going last year and then didn't let MIL know of your DH's lack of enthusiasm until now, when she would have fairly assumed - based on your initial response and no contrary indication - that you were all going.

I think it's only fair to MIL that you explain to her that DH says you cannot afford it, you would not consider taking a loan from her to attend a wedding and then push any further discussions his way.

Yes that was my worry, that I had contributed to the disappointment by being all enthusiastic in the first place.

I think she has probably avoided talking much to dh about the wedding because she could sense his lack of interest and saw the warning signs!

Anyway, dh has now realised he needs to communicate and i am not doing it for him.

Tbh the wrong scenario is probably a good wake up call for all of the dynamics on that side of the family as they don't communicate with each other. The spouses do the communicating a lot of the time which is just ridiculous.