Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I do something or stay out dh mil sil

58 replies

Lemongingertea80 · 13/02/2018 04:48

This is all getting so muddled in my head and I don't know what I should do. I'll try not to drip feed.

SIL is getting married and it is abroad. It will cost us several thousand to go. Last year, I indicated we would and that we were really looking forward to it. I found flights, accommodation, planned it all, booked my leave at work etc.

Dh never shared my enthusiasm and never looked at flights or accommodation etc. He seemed disinterested in the whole thing and when I tried to show him places etc he wasn't properly paying attention or getting enthusiastic. I then backed off the arrangements as it was getting irritating and it's his side of the family after.all. He is civil with his sister but they are not close at all.

I see MIL every week when she sees the children. Recently I let mil know in conversation we haven't booked anything as she keeps asking, and i hinted to mil that dh wasn't keen on going but didn't really expand on why as I think that's his concern. And I'm not clear why myself anyway, not sure he is either!

Basically it is now at the point where it is much more expensive for us to go. Dh is saying that we can't afford it now which is a bit annoying as if we wanted to we could although it would blow our savings as we are in a tight patch. Plus it would have been cheaper if we had booked earlier but he stalled and didn't want to so it obviously isn't just about the money.

Now MIL keeps messaging me to say we can borrow money from them to go which is ridiculous in my view. Why would we take on debt to go to someone elses wedding??

I am not keen on being the one to explain dh doesn't want to go. I think it's his issue he needs to sort out with his relatives.

I am disappointed with the situation as in theory it could have been a lovely experience for the children and they will miss out on a family wedding but I have zero intention of going without him. Nor do I want to put pressure on him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go and then be dragging round a stroppy dh and paying for the pleasure of it. It is not the kind of place we would choose to Holiday so we only.be going for the one day of wedding activity. But we would have to go for at least a week.

Aibu? Should I be making good with the in laws on this or should I leave it to him? What should I say to mil who is trying to get me to sort it all out? I sense a family drama looming arrggghhhh. Help me!

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 13/02/2018 07:42

Cavender nails it on post 2. Your DH's problem, not yours. Stop acting as go-between, tell your MIL everything you've written here and tell her to take it up with your DH.

He sounds like he's a bit of a man-child, btw. What grown man throws a strop because he's agreed to do something he doesn't really want to do? Either put up and shut up, or be straight up and say you don't want to do it.

MammieBear · 13/02/2018 07:48

I agree, pass them on to your DH, it's not fair for you to have all the stress of it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/02/2018 07:48

whiskyowl

I can't see from what the OP has posted that he agreed to go, or that he is throwing a strop.

Just that he is completely dis-engaged from it.

junglebookisthebest · 13/02/2018 07:49

Conversation with either of them - I was enthusiastic about the wedding and it was agreed that dh would take over arrangements. You need to talk to him but he has decided we are not going. Please do not draw me any more into this. Now what did you think of 'x' that happened today...
Stay strong, do not be drawn in and change the subject - every time...

whiskyowl · 13/02/2018 07:49

Boney how about

"Nor do I want to put pressure on him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go and then be dragging round a stroppy dh and paying for the pleasure of it"

Not adult.

Bananmanfan · 13/02/2018 07:51

I think you should say that you found some good deals, but dh wasn't interested. Now that the prices have gone up he is even less interested. Tell her you don't think he wants to go.
Also, ask your DH whether he wants to go and how he imagined this was going to pan out.

junglebookisthebest · 13/02/2018 07:52

oh and if you think he is weak and will roll over and spend a fortune/borrow from his mum then another conversation is needed with him. He can go alone to minimise the expense and any repayment comes out of his spends - his hobbies or his spends are stopped/switched e.g. his steak becomes fish fingers, shaving foam becomes soap etc.

JaneEyre70 · 13/02/2018 08:02

It's very clear that your DH doesn't want to go.

But he needs to be telling his Mum that, not you and I would make it clear to him that he needs to sort this out as it isn't your place to, and you are finding the pressure uncomfortable.

Holding weddings abroad is a very selfish action unless you are paying for your guests to attend. You have to accept the reality that not everyone can afford to come.

Sarahjconnor · 13/02/2018 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lemongingertea80 · 13/02/2018 08:04

He won't borrow money to go. He just doesn't want to go. I suppose he just isn't close enough to his sister to want to pay thousands to get to her overseas wedding. No matter how cheap or expensive it is, he doesn't want to make the effort. We won't be going on any alternative overseas hols this year. We simply have too much other expensive but boring stuff going on.
I did suggest a while back that he just go with the kids or even by himself to bring the cost down but he really just isn't interested.
I will refer it all to him to resolve. Thank you for absolving my conscience!

OP posts:
Married3Children · 13/02/2018 08:08

I suspect that your MIL has always contacted YOU to organise everything so she contacted you again for the wedding.
Your DH has been quite happy to let you organise everything so far. It wouod be quite rich of him to now complain you’ve organised (or tried to) something he doesn’t like.

On the other side!your DH is acting in a passive aggressive way. Not saying he isn’t keen but bragging his feet instead. And now instead of saying he doesn’t want to go still, he is talking about money. Something that, of course, can be solved.

Time for your DH to grow up and start take responsibility. He needs to say loud and clear Lear if he ants to go to the wedding. He needs to speak to his parents and dsis.

But please don’t make it your responsibility if he is left in a mess. YOU were keen to go and said so. Why not? HE didn’t say he wasn’t Happy!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/02/2018 08:09

I agree, he definitely doesn't want to go, and that's fine, what he needs to do now, is tell his DM..

NataliaOsipova · 13/02/2018 08:12

I think the we can't afford it excuse is a pathetic red herring. We could afford it if we prioritised it but we have a lot of big financial commitments at the moment and they are our priority

In all fairness, this is usually (when referring to this sort of thing, anyway) what is meant by "we can't afford it". I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. And I'd definitely a) let your DH make the call (his family) and b) communicate this to his family (his family).

But I can see why you feel in a difficult spot! Ultimately, that's also your answer, I think. "I've put all your points to DH, MIL, but as it's his family I think he has to make the final desicion. Perhaps you should speak directly to him?".

mummmy2017 · 13/02/2018 08:35

Why not just tell the MIL the truth.
Well her you did look and both of you said you would decide later, but that the venue is not really child friendly or somewhere you or your DH would ever book or want to go, that to do this for just a wedding which is one day and you would still have to be there for a week seem to be beyond practical as it would not just be the expense of the flights hotel , but the daily expenses and the other things like the car hire, staying at an airport parking ect, and taking a weeks holiday from work at a time when it's not good for your DH.
Also that you don't have any plans to even do more than stay home this year.
So while you did originally think it was a good idea, now when you have looked in detail you realise you really don't want to get in debt for what is just one day, and while you will miss seeing your SIL getting married you will just make do with seeing the photo's.

The reason I say this is that your DH isn't going to want to do this, and the sooner you present a united front and stick to the story, which is the truth the sooner you can just repeat and move on.

elisenbrunnen · 13/02/2018 08:38

What should I say to mil who is trying to get me to sort it all out - stop being a flying monkey.

DH obviously doesn't want to go, and he shouldn't be 'made' to go, or 'organised' into it, or dropped into debt for it.

His decision. Use the money saved for a family holiday. But - op, butt out.

Olddear · 13/02/2018 08:42

He doesn't want to go. He isn't close to his DSIS, he is, at best, civil. There's your answer right there. Now, get him to tell them that.

BarbarianMum · 13/02/2018 08:44

That's actually wuite shitty of your dh. If he didn't want to go (fair enough) he should have just said so at the beginning. Now he's dropped you in it (by letting you be all positive about something that was never going to happen).

fluffyrobin · 13/02/2018 08:44

Op back out.

Your dh is right.

You were lovely to be supportive of the idea of a family wedding overseas but as it's HIS family you can only do what is right for your family, which is not go or be saddled with unwanted debt.

Defer defer defer and keep all conversations about MIL about your dc. Just say, it's not my decision I'm afraid and leave it at that.

Practice in front of the mirror if it helps!

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/02/2018 09:09

whiskyowl

that doesn't suggest that he is acting like a "manchild" just that he doesn't want to go and that he won't be happy if he is forced to, just like many of us aren't happy when we are forced to do something.

k567 · 13/02/2018 09:51

You're not his secretary. Let him deal with it. Forget trying to come up with what to say, it's his issue.

whiskyowl · 13/02/2018 12:49

boney - It suggests that the OP is fearful he MIGHT act like a manchild. Which, in tandem with his failure to be an adult and either say "no" or grin and bear going, suggests a certain pattern of behavivour.

As a grown up, you either say "No thanks, not attending" or you say "Yes, I'll go" and do it with good grace. There is no third option of going and sulking throughout over the age of about 14. It's incredibly PA, and unfair on everyone who has to put up with it.

mumpoints · 13/02/2018 12:56

You'll know to keep quiet in future OP, don't beat yourself up over it, we all learn this way.

There is nothing to be Arrgghhh about. You would have gone, DH won't. His family, his decision. You're hardly going to go without him are you?!

Strokethefurrywall · 13/02/2018 13:44

Everything that Tensecondrule said.

Stop trying to make your MIL see DH in a positive light, just tell her straight and ask her to talk directly to DH.

Don't try and protect how your MIL sees him, or make excuses for him. He can do that himself.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/02/2018 17:59

whiskyowl

Given the DH's lack of communication and that they seem to have continually gone through the OP, it suggests to me that their are deep issues in his family and that he tries to not engage with them as much as possible. Which would be the adult thing to do.

rookiemere · 13/02/2018 18:13

I'm reading this slightly differently as I don't think OP is blameless here. You were the one who showed enthusiasm initially and said you would go.
The time to force the issue was when you priced it up at the time - so told your DH either that you'd need to book then or let family know you're not going. Not months down the line when its more expensive and SIL doesnt have a chance to reconsider wedding on basis that DB and family werent going.

If MIL is desperate for you to go why doesnt she pay for you to go instead of making it a loan ?