To force DS 17 to get a part time job?

[RUPaulsdrab]

DS is 17, 18 in September. He's doing 3 AS levels, maths, chemistry and biology, due to finish hi A levels next year. Not easy subjects I know.

He flew his GCSEs with very little work, got A*s, As & Bs across the board. However he's not finding A levels so easy. His last parents evening in December we were told unless he pulled his socks up he'd come out badly. His mocks in January yielded 2 C's and a D.

I can't say I've seen a huge improvement in the amount of work he's doing and to be frank I think he's wasting his time doing A levels as he doesn't think he wants to go to university.

He spends hours a day either on the Xbox or watching videos on his iPad. Apparently he needs this downtime as A levels are 'stressful'. He does nothing else at all, no hobbies, no socialising with friends apart from online gaming and school. He finishes school at lunchtime twice a week but wastes the time in the afternoons.

We have paid £700 so far on driving lessons, paid for his licence, theory test and his main test that he's got in a few weeks. We pay for everything for him apart from Xbox games that he dips into Birthday and xmas money for.

After a weekend of him laying in bed, gaming and being a cheeky shit when I asked him to help his sister with her gcse maths homework (he couldn't do it apparently) I snapped and told him he needs a PT job to fill his time around school and help to pay for the insurance on the car he's being GIVEN by a kind relative.

I saw a job advertised in a local shop for 8-12 hours a week in the evenings / weekends but he refuses to apply for it saying it will 'risk' his school work!

I just don't know how to handle him, if I force him to take the job then if/when he does badly in his exams it'll be all my fault for making him work. I know it, he's a manipulative little sod. I've told him we aren't paying to insure / tax / mot the car so if he want to run it he needs to be working but then he says that none of his friends doing these 'hard' A levels are expected to work and I'm being unreasonable to expect it.

Am I?

I have a similar thing with my DS regarding the X Box.

Seems to spend hours on it but hasn't got the time to put a cup in the dishwasher orhux dirty washing in the basket.

He does have a PT job and is at uni (lives at home still)

As long as he comes out of uni with a good degree and is able to get a FT job, I will be pleased.

Right now as I am not working I do spend a lot of time doing things for him that he should be doing for himself.

However, in September when I start my teacher training course there is going to be a complete change of regime in our house. Like it or not!!

The Xbox is probably a displacement activity because he doesn't want to think about the future. This seems to be quite common among my friends' sons of this age.

My DD in the equivalent of Y13 only has a very small job (babysitting 2 hours a week) but she has 40 hours of class a week and is a hard worker, and as far as I'm concerned schoolwork comes first. I'd be less impressed if she wasn't working hard at school.

You can't make a teenager work, but you can withhold money and refuse to do other things for him.

Don’t pay for his insurance. How will he afford to maintain a car, tax it and pay for petrol?

My DH and I paid for DSD17 lessons and have bought her a cheap small car, but the deal always was she pays for her own insurance. She has had a PT job since she was 16.

You can’t afford to run a car if you don’t have a job, that’s real life.

Sounds like he is addicted to his x box at the moment and struggling with self discipline. This will show in his a level studies as more independent study is required. I don't think it's fair to just cut him off. He is clearly not mature enough to cope with the demands being put on him and requires more structure. Yes a job would be good discipline but the first thing that needs to go is the Xbox. Or make it weekends only. The drug of modern youth!

My DS is nearly 18 and got a part time job as soon as he turned 16 - it was one I had arranged for him where I work (I'm lucky to have been in a position to do that) and he wasn't keen at first, probably only because it was where mum works so he applied elsewhere whilst treating it as a stopgap. It's now nearly 2 years later and he has been applying like mad elsewhere but had no luck (we live in Student Central so no end of young people seeking part time work). He values the job I got him now, and did fine in his GCSEs.

We paid for driving lessons for his birthday last year - a block of 25 paid for between us, his older brother and grandparents - and we will be part exchanging our own car for a small run around for him so he can drive his dad to and from the hospital. But he will be paying for his driving test himself, and for the insurance after the first year. My reasoning was similar to yours - if he has time to game, he has time to work. My DS doesn't want to go to uni and is after an apprenticeship instead, so his A Levels and BTECs are important but not the be all and end all.

Have you helped him work out a timetable for studying?
i wouldnt bother about the job aspect, although on the other hand you want money towards the cost of the car so that is not unreasonabe.

turn off the internet.
limit his x box time

he will find his way eventually op - it might not be soon but it will be at some point.
if you help him organise his study time and then step away,

I would tell him if he won’t get a part time job he needs to show you he is taking his work seriously- like a part time job.

With maths etc he can complete past papers as revision- I think I would be telling him he needs to be doing one past paper a week- split the paper into four and he needs to complete and self mark 1/4 of a paper every day- Friday he has a day off, and then on the weekend work on the Qs he didn’t manage during the week.

If he is doing no work outside class he WILL fail because A Levels are designed to be 60% classwork, 40% self study.

If he’s doing past papers there will be physical evidence of his studying- don’t let him fob you off with ‘revision’ of ‘reading through his notes’!

Should he get a job? Maybe, but does he actually want the money or need a car? We all managed fine without them. I didn't drive until nearly 30.

I'd be focusing on what he wants to do for the future. 'I don't know' is not a good enough answer. A level results will be out in 6 months and he needs a plan because you won't be funding him sitting at home all day playing.

The X box is put to one side until he has done some research about some alternatives. It sounds like he's a bit like me, there's nothing he actually WANTS to do (😁) but he has to find something. Once he's come up with something and a plan for how he'll achieve it, the x box comes back.

I don’t think you can confiscate an x box from a 17 year old, he’s almost an adult, but you can turn off the internet and withdraw financial support apart from the absolute basics.

MrsMaxwell how come your daughter is getting university offers in year 12? Applications aren't done until year 13.

You are definitely NBU. Plenty of students do badly at AS level as they don't realise there's a leap from GCSE in terms of the work required. Generally they get the kick up the backside required when they get their AS results and start putting the work in. Clearly that isn't happening with him! Both my DC worked part time during A levels and got great results, so it can be done, but they are all different. If he was working his heart out studying every night then I'd be inclined to accept that he couldn't fit in a job, but in his case I would be removing his X box controller/switching off the wifi. It can be very frustrating trying to make teens realise that they only get out what they put in, but it sounds like he needs a serious chat about his future plans and options. Definitely don't pay for him to run this car!