To force DS 17 to get a part time job?

[RUPaulsdrab]

DS is 17, 18 in September. He's doing 3 AS levels, maths, chemistry and biology, due to finish hi A levels next year. Not easy subjects I know.

He flew his GCSEs with very little work, got A*s, As & Bs across the board. However he's not finding A levels so easy. His last parents evening in December we were told unless he pulled his socks up he'd come out badly. His mocks in January yielded 2 C's and a D.

I can't say I've seen a huge improvement in the amount of work he's doing and to be frank I think he's wasting his time doing A levels as he doesn't think he wants to go to university.

He spends hours a day either on the Xbox or watching videos on his iPad. Apparently he needs this downtime as A levels are 'stressful'. He does nothing else at all, no hobbies, no socialising with friends apart from online gaming and school. He finishes school at lunchtime twice a week but wastes the time in the afternoons.

We have paid £700 so far on driving lessons, paid for his licence, theory test and his main test that he's got in a few weeks. We pay for everything for him apart from Xbox games that he dips into Birthday and xmas money for.

After a weekend of him laying in bed, gaming and being a cheeky shit when I asked him to help his sister with her gcse maths homework (he couldn't do it apparently) I snapped and told him he needs a PT job to fill his time around school and help to pay for the insurance on the car he's being GIVEN by a kind relative.

I saw a job advertised in a local shop for 8-12 hours a week in the evenings / weekends but he refuses to apply for it saying it will 'risk' his school work!

I just don't know how to handle him, if I force him to take the job then if/when he does badly in his exams it'll be all my fault for making him work. I know it, he's a manipulative little sod. I've told him we aren't paying to insure / tax / mot the car so if he want to run it he needs to be working but then he says that none of his friends doing these 'hard' A levels are expected to work and I'm being unreasonable to expect it.

Am I?

Tell him that Tesco pay time and a half on a Sunday which works out at £12 an hour for a 17 year-old (don't tell him they're scrapping it soon) - see if that motivates him.

Otherwise, at this stage of the year, I think I might be tempted to forget about pushing him for now, see what results he gets without a job (so he can't blame you if he gets poor results) and push him to get a job once the exams are over. Have another conversation with him when he gets the AS results. He could always start over again in September if necessary (loads of DD's friends are doing 3 years at college).

I have a duty to feed, clothe and house him at the moment. He needs money for school, for lunches etc.
Perhaps my anger is misguided - DH thinks it's imperative that he's driving as he feels it's the key to independence. Obviously DS will take what's handed to him but he's bright - he can see we are paying for every thing but he's not willing to offer to get a job or pull his weight in school to keep his end of the bargain up.

Honestly, even if he does go to uni without a part time job, he's really setting himself behind. I used to work in a placement office in a university and students would expect to walk into a great placement, and therefore a great career post-graduation without even having held any sort of part time job before. His CV will look pathetic compared to his peers, and as you say, he won't be able to demonstrate any responsibility or skills a job gives you.

I'd have a frank discussion with him about his future, If he refuses to get a part time job, tell him you'll be no longer paying for his luxuries, stop giving him lunch money and make him make something at home before going to school. And then once he's done with his A-Levels tell him he's got xx amount of time to get a job and pay board or he's out and on his own (if he doesn't go to uni). Harsh, but he needs to learn the world isn't going to pander to him forever.

I had a job from age 15 (I worked all day Saturdays and for two hours on Tuesday evening). I did A Levels in bio, chem and phys and AS Levels (maths and environmental science) so the subjects are NOT an excuse.

Just don't give him any money, then he will either go without or get himself a job. It's his choice.

Don’t force him to get a job (how would you?) but stop paying for extra things.

Is he sitting proper AS exams or just doing school mocks at the end of this year?

Also, if he thinks his A-levels will be 'at risk' because he's working, I'd be expecting him to be getting better grades currently without a job.

I think the key thing is to control the time and energy sappers - the Xbox and unrestricted internet.

Tbf even my husband (high earning professional in his 30s) struggles to get anything done when YouTube is open.... Gaming and certain websites are designed to suck you attention in and keep you there all afternoon. It's not surprising that teens with their undeveloped frontal lobes find it difficult to control this.

What options do you have for limiting games and internet? Are the devices yours or his? Can you make an internet white list for educational websites? Can time on Xbox be dependent on progress with his studies?

As he's behind at college better that he focuses on study rather than paid work if you can get him off the devices.

If you can't get him off the devices though and he's still not studying then a paid job would at least have him out in the real world talking to people. And maybe learning that he doesn't want to do that job forever and better start studying.

DD17 works 20 hours a week, she's pulling C/B on A levels, and asked me today if I wanted her to do any housework whilst I was at work, after finishing her essay before work ...
Shes currently saving up to go to as many festivals as possible this summer. Buys her own clothes and makeup. She works damned hard but reaps the benefits too, because she's earned it.

PlanNumber A levels are not always better than an apprenticeship. Advanced apprenticeship are equivalent to A level and give UCAS points.

For example if you did a level 3 Technical Engineering Support apprenticeship, and get distinctions, this can get you into the B.Eng degree, which is also an apprenticeship degree.

Let's compare -
Doing 2 years of A levels, followed by a 3 year degree and approx £45k of debt. No work experience and up against thousands of other graduates for a job.

Or 4 year advanced apprenticeship, earning around £17k at the end. Continue onto a degree apprenticeship, with day release and no debt at the end of the degree. As well as 9 years experience, permanent job and a salary of between £26-£30k. (This example is for a trainee structural engineer).

I know what I will be encouraging my DS to do after GCSE's.

If 8-12 hours a week of work is going to jeopardise his A-levels then I'd be turning off the Internet to the devices that he uses. Bet he spends more than 8-12 hours on those.

You can't force him to get a job but you should make his life less comfortable financially. Stop paying for luxuries like Xbox Live, lunches etc until he studies harder or gets a job to fund these things.

Can I ask what you consider ‘mediocre’ A levels? I ask because one of my friends went to a very good private school where most students got straight As. She was pressured by teachers and her parents to give up on A levels because her Bs and Cs weren’t good enough and clearly University would be a waste of time for her.

She took their advice and dropped out, but after several false starts she did indeed end up going to uni, did fantastically well and is now a deputy head teacher. She is still annoyed that her school wrote her off because of her supposedly ‘mediocre’ grades when in fact she’s a very bright woman.

Stick to your guns and don't hand him everything on a plate. A levels are hard but they get loads of frees if they're only doing 3 subjects and he manages to waste time gaming so has plenty of time for a job. You can't actually force him to get one but you need to teach him to work for his goals and by 17 he has to take the consequences of 'don't do, don't get'. Including getting poor grades, no car he can drive and other things. I don't believe in making 17 year olds pay for their keep as suxh but his attitude really annoys me. Ffs a few years ago he would have been working in a coal mine or a factory or been at war or something . That's hard!

I was doing my a levels and then getting the bus straight from college to my part time job 3 days a week. He can do it, he just doesn't want to.

Regardless of the job issue I'd remove his technology until he studies properly and contributes appropriately around the house.

I do think there are 2 different issues.
One is the money and the other is the time.
If he thinks he hasn't got 'time' to work, then you definitely need to go down the removing the X Box route.

I agree with your dh that driving is a really important skill. Thing is, so did my dc, which is what motivated them to go out and earn the wherewithal to pay to learn.

There would be big time consequences in my house.

Studying could be his job that earns him money for all the things you have been just giving him cash for. A part-time job could translate into a general improvement in his work ethic.

I'd focus on the study rather than writing that option off just yet. Good grades = money for things and X-box time?

No insurance/ no money for petrol ( which he will also need) from you unless he studies. I'd use the driving/car situation as a stick to beat him with to be honest, key to independence or not.

If he wants these things, he needs to either study like a demon or get a job to pay for them. The way things are , he has no motivation to do either as everything is being handed to him.

I'd stop providing him with any funds, make him make his lunch at home, and if he needs money for school - could you pay the school directly into an account that the school debits when necessary? That way he has no need for cash.

Also if the x-box is in his room, haul it out into the family space.
Or just remove it completely till he picks his act up.
Or change the password on your router regularly and don't give it to him unless he studies.

I'd be seriously putting the boot in, and you have a few options that could still work. Harder A-levels should equal more study, not more relaxation time.

You are NOT being unreasonable.

YANBU. It's not unreasonable to expect him to do his A Levels and work a part time job, even if it's a small Saturday job. Any experience will look good on his CV.

The problem is the XBox. My BIL is a big gamer. He failed uni doing a course that he was really interested in as he spent all of his time on the Xbox. He still lives at home and has only just got his first part time job working 16 hours a week at the age of 23.
In contrast, DH was working full time at 19, married at 21 and had a family at 25.

Remove the Xbox and tell him to pull his finger out.

I’d remove the X Bix and tell
Him he has a choice - either he studies and gets decent grades or he gets a job.
And say you want to see evidence of the studying if he chooses that option.
He’s behaving like a child so treat him like one

Trouble is, if he's a gamer, he probably doesn't have expensive tastes. Much easier to encourage a DS into part time work if he wants to go out on the town with his mates at the weekend.

DD is doing the same 3 A-levels and also another A-level that is compulsory in Wales. She works in a shop that is only open in the tourist season and Easter can’t come quick enough for her to earn some money. At the moment she picks up money babysitting. Most of her friends have jobs. Even DS who is doing an extremely difficult degree works when he’s home in the holidays and spent most of Christmas alternating studying and working. If he has time to play on his xbox for hours he has time to work.

Your a great mum and want the best for ure child but u are giving him to much cut off the extras u give him and do not pay for not tax and insurance for car he will never learn the value of money if ure going to keep paying if he wants to sit on Xbox all day and fuck up his a levels let him but do not pay for everything especially if he's not even putting an effort in and at his age he should know what kind of career he wants seems lazy and thinks he will live off u

You can't name him get a job. Even if you drive him to an interview after filling in the form, it doesn't take much to fluff the interview or fail the probation.

What you can do is stop the handouts. Once he has passed his test he jas it, he doesn't need mommy to bankroll his car. He gets a car to drive when he is responsible enough to finance it. Extra money for extra jobs, chores is appropriate. Part time job or poor student, his choice

Our eldest daughter is also studying for 3 quite tough A levels, and got herself a p/t job last summer, which she still holds down. She's in school from 8 until 6 most days, and works 16 hours a week. Her school have generally discouraged kids from working while doing A levels, but she enjoys the money and runs her own car. I think it's had a very positive impact on her, hopefully not to the detriment of getting good grades!

my ds didnt work until his first summer holiday from uni and I also thought he should have a part time job while he was doing A levels.
He didnt do brilliantly in AS year, and was in fact worrying about his uni applications when it looked like he was just dossing around.
As other say, his cv did look a little thin, he also missed the boat on the internships in his first year at uni due to same kind of attitude. He managed to pull it off in the end somehow though, and now has a great job he really loves.
It's hard, but you have to let them make their own way, as you say, he is nearly an adult.
also stop paying for all those things.

Talk to the school re help for Xbox addiction and whether they have said he shouldn't work. They could also talk to him about predicted grades and future choices