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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

cricket-playing girl (11) and 'fat letter'

97 replies

morningtoncrescent62 · 12/02/2018 11:43

This morning's BBC Breakfast featured an item where sad-faced Daisy and her mother talked about receiving a letter from the school saying she was overweight. Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of these letters, AIBU to think it's horrendous to see a girl of this age being asked to talk about her distress about her body image on national TV? These are really sensitive issues, and I can't imagine it's helping her to be in the media spotlight. The presenters were as kind to her as they could be, but she was monosyllabic, head down, throughout. Surely there are better ways that this issue could have been brought to media attention without the public shaming of an 11-year-old?

I can't find the BBC Breakfast item but here she is on her local news.

OP posts:

Clandestino · 12/02/2018 12:38

Yes, the girl is overweight. But her parents are complete and total arseholes to allow this for the sake of 15 minutes of fame.
There will be a huge payback and the girl will suffer. This really wasn't about her but about her parents' desire to have their suitably "sad faces" shown in the media. Disgusting and awful.

megletthesecond · 12/02/2018 12:44

Her parents are idiots. They didn't have to show her the letter FFS.

FWIW I showed my DS his letter but just to prove to him I'm not starving him and he's not underweight. (Skinny but fit).

Frouby · 12/02/2018 12:46

Those letters are awful. It's the wrong time to be weighing children. Dd was on the cusp of puberty when we got hers. She got the bloody letter which went straight in the bin. She was just classed as overweight. She looked slim! Even looking back on the photos she was slim.

She is now 13 and skinny as a rail. To the point where I would like her to put a bit on. I paid absolutely zero interest in the letter.

I would rather the time and money spent weighing and collecting the date and then sending stupid letters out was spent on educating dcs in what constitutes healthy eating.

The parents who let their dcs get obese aren't going to change because they have had a letter. There is probably a very small % of people who get the letter and change anything at all. And those are probably parents of dcs who will naturally slim down anyway as they go through puberty, start secondary school and were probably only marginally overweight anyway.

Dcs that are visabley overweight know they are overweight as do their parents. Trying to shame them won't help.

specialsubject · 12/02/2018 12:54

She is overweight. Facts aren't rude. Putting her on TV is appalling.

Parents need to help her outgrow the weight , learn self esteem and stay in the cricket team.

MetalMidget · 12/02/2018 12:55

Poor lass. :( She's noticeably overweight, I can't imagine what her parents were thinking by a) showing her the letter then b) contacting the ruddy press, rather than just quietly making some diet changes.

littlepeas · 12/02/2018 12:57

What an unbelievably stupid, thoughtless person her mother is. Poor kid.

brizzledrizzle · 12/02/2018 12:57

100%, I will not be consenting for any of my children to be weighed at school. The mum could of dealt with this so much better, poor girl.

The schools will weigh them anyway regardless of whether you consent or not - I know of five children in three different parts of the country who that has happened to.

As for the mum, both parents could have dealt with it so much better - why is it automatically the mother who is being blamed?

needmysleep75 · 12/02/2018 12:59

The parents would have received a letting beforehand allowing them to opt out of the weighing. They shouldn't have shown her the letter and just quietly changed the way the whole family ate. And although its great she is playing sport cricket doesn't burn off much at all, which is why professional cricketers play 5 a side football to warm up. There isn't much exercise in a cricket match

TitsalinaBumSquash · 12/02/2018 13:01

I've opted mine out of being weighed at school. I wrote a letter saying I did NOT consent to them being weighed at any time and asked for it to be kept in their school record and none of them have so far. I'm more than capable of keeping an eye on my children's weight and height and adjusting if needed.

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2018 13:01

Why are they claiming the daughter received the letter, rather than her parents?

5plusMeAndHim · 12/02/2018 13:01

'the parents would have received a letting beforehand allowing them to opt out of the weighing'

she said she did not receive the letter . So there is clearly a failing on the school''s part

DriggleDraggle · 12/02/2018 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 12/02/2018 13:06

AIBU to think it's horrendous to see a girl of this age being asked to talk about her distress about her body image on national TV?

You found it so horrendous that you posted a link.

BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2018 13:09

Letters are useful, because many parents are in denial, since overweight is normal
Most overweight DC are not just 2lb over and many will become overweight adults if their parents don't take action

BUT, the letter is to the parents not the child and should not be shown or mentioned to the child
The parents should quietly consider if they need to take any action;
if so, be subtle and only talk about health, not weight to their child and make changes for the whole family, not just one member.

As for media-hungry idiots who flounce and parade their DD's problem before millions on TV …
That is a form of abuse, because social media lasts forever, whenever friends, frenemies, employers etc check her out online
Their DD will suffer this info circulating for the next 60+ years

hungryhippo90 · 12/02/2018 13:11

Where do these flipping fat letters come from?
I don’t understand! DD has always been a larger child, but always also head and shoulders above the others in her class/year, she’s been weighed at school at Times, have never had a fat letter.

That being said. The parents are absolute shits for dragging their child on tv to discuss being fat.
Why the fuck would you line your child up to be ridiculed? That poor child’s school mates will know and will make fun.

Why as parents have they not got their child into extra physical activities and restricted her access to shit food?

DD had 2 cavities in her last dental appointment, like a fucking shot i took the time to assess what she was eating and her general dental hygiene.
The school were informed she’s on a lower sugar diet- they’ve been amazing in taking that into account with her lunches, and as a side effect of all the changes we have made, and the school also being so amazingly proactive, DD has lost a lot of weight.

They didn’t say to her, but said to me how fabulous DD is looking.

My rather drawn out point is, if you have that wake up call that what you are feeding your child is damaging, whether it’s weight, cavities or whatever else, you make the changes to avoid that continuing to be a problem. Not take them on tv to make a fuss.

The problem is them and their parenting and I feel sorry for that poor child that her parents seem unable to understand this letter is for the good of their child.

KurriKurri · 12/02/2018 13:17

I disagree that she is clearly very overweight.
She is overweight to the degree that could easily have been sorted out by the parents with some adjustments in diet and portion size. She was clearly an active girl who enjoyed sports, and now she isn't. So presumably her weight will increase because she does less exercise and the stupid mother will blame the 'fat letter' . A minor problem will become a major one.

Why on earth would anyone show a letter like that to their child ? - I would seriously question her motives.

She's set up her DD for a life of being controlled by and obsessed by food and weight. And going on TV to say 'my DD is fat...' words fail me - deranged and cruel are two that come to mind.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 12/02/2018 13:20

I got one of those letters and put in straight in the bin. My DS eats the same as his siblings and does at least the same amount of exercise if not more. He is just built differently and has a metabolism more like mine than his dad’s.

As predicted, as he has grown up he has grown into his body and now has a sensible approach to food and activity. If I’d shown him that letter and put him on TV for people to hurl abuse - or even ‘friendly advice’ about eating less and moving more - I dread to think where his self esteem would be now.

Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 13:30

yanbu mornington - what was that woman thinking? If I got one of those letters about a DC, I wouldn't be dragging her onto TV to rail against the letter.

The parents presumably could've chosen not to share the results with their DD at all and to just make some changes to their diet? Idiots.

Hissy · 12/02/2018 13:36

shame on the parents! there is nothing wrong with this girl! At aged 11 a few years of encouraging her to do sport and move around and she will be fine.

Those parents are shockingly awful and cruel

wijjy · 12/02/2018 13:37

Got one for my daughter - in the bin. She was doing 5 sports at the time. Tallest in her year yet the BMI is based on the average of all girls, not one's her height (who is probably two years ahead of the curve).

Useful to know that you should keep an eye open but why would you ever tell her?

WreckTangled · 12/02/2018 13:38

I can usually tell which children I'm weighing are going to come up as overweight, to me they look overweight. As a pp said people have forgotten what healthy looks like.

All of the children who come up as very overweight (obese) in our area have a phone call to their parents from the school nurse, sadly most parents don't think there's anything wrong with their child, even the ones who weigh over 80kgs

I'm not sure what the answer is unfortunately.

Luxanna · 12/02/2018 13:39

I was constantly told I was fat by adults as a child (parents/aunties/teachers/doctors/psychologist even). Only one lovely aunty said it was just a little bit of puppy fat that would be easy to lose but her voice was drowned out by the others. Conversation about my excess weight is pretty much the only thing I ever remember adults talking to me about. It made me feel like a useless elephantine stupid ugly cnut who would never be able to lose a molecule of it....never ever ever no matter what. It lead to me not giving a single damn about what I ate because I was depressed, without hope and what was the point considering I was already a hopeless case being as I was a fat monster. I reached 23 stone at one point. Then the internet came about and I found out I'd only been about a stone overweight as a child of 15. If only the adults had kept their judgemental gobs shut and/or told me a stone isn't actually that hard to lose but no, they were "helping me" by telling me I was a fatty. I've lost almost 6 stone since then by coming to terms with my weight issues.

I tell you this hugely personal and very emotive thing and ask you to be careful when "helping" children when they are a bit larger than is healthy, very careful not to overstate the problem because you could cause them to become permanently broken on the inside like I was.

I see some of you judging this girls weight and it brings back my negative memories and can only imagine it will hurt the poor girl more if she were to read some of these comments. Her mother shouldn't have dragged her onto TV because it's only going to open the door for people to attack the childs weight on the internet and that includes comment makers who believe they are saying it to be kind. It's really not kind and it's not really that helpful.

Sorry for the long winded post but I feel strongly about this.

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2018 13:41

Luxanna, no-one is judging her weight. They're simply stating the fact that she is visibly overweight.

It's fact, not judgement.

alwaysthepessimist · 12/02/2018 13:44

Poor child, she is going to be picked on at school because of this and will probably now always have a weight issue. My DD (5) was weighed and measured when she started school and she was fine, TBH I was expecting a letter to say she wasn't as she is v tall for her age but she was fine, some of the others weren't but I was astounded that their parents took to facebook to announce to everyone that their child had been deemed as 'fat' and that they weren't fat they were just babies with 'puppy fat' - 3 of these children have mothers who are overweight too and are always trying to lose weight

HuskyMcClusky · 12/02/2018 13:46

The mother is a fuckwit.

there is nothing wrong with this girl!

Come on. She is significantly overweight.

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