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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and FIL (trigger warning, about sexual assault)

41 replies

Choklitdoknut · 12/02/2018 08:49

I really need some perspective because I have the rage.
When I was a teenager, my husband's step dad sexually assaulted me quite badly and before that he was really inappropriate for the first 2 years of our relationship. I've been with DH for over 10 years now. When it happened I was convinced by my DH not to do anything about it because his mum had told him they would lose their home, money,get into debt,have no friends and have to move. According to MIL it was my fault for how I dressed if it was even true. Anyway i ignored it for years and I had children and decided I couldn't stomach him anymore. I was constantly accused of "having a problem with him"and excluding him.
I brought it up with DH who cried and said he felt awful and doesn't know why he asked me to keep quiet and feels he was coerced by his mum. We decided to go NC with step FIL. He told his mum, he said we didn't want him discussing ever, the kids aren't to know about him in case they ask questions, and if he sees us in public to piss off.
She accepted this but said that she barely remembers what I accused him of and doesn't know what to believe. God I hate her. He also denies remembering and says he was drunk so whatevs.

This was 4 months ago. My MIL has since mentioned him quite a few times and has texted my husband to let us know he has the flu?? I don't give a shit!

She also has taken it upon herself to tell her mum and dad that we don't see FIL now because we don't like him. This is bullshit, IMO she should have asked us how we want to handle the grandparents because since this they've been really off with us.

Finally, yesterday I was driving to a restaurant with my son. I saw my mil at a junction and we locked eyes and he was with her. She then pulled up at the same small restaurant as me and my son. Obviously I couldn't go in.

AIBU to think she's being a dick and she's lucky I haven't gone NC with her??

OP posts:

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 12/02/2018 08:54

Just go NC. After all with his / her denials or attributing this to alchohol it could easily happen again to any teen who he comes into contact with.

cupcakemania · 12/02/2018 08:54

It's not too late to go to the police.

Handsfull13 · 12/02/2018 08:55

I'd go NC with her aswell. If she can't follow your rules then she's out. You should also tell his grandparents the truth, if they are already off with you then there is nothing to loose

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 12/02/2018 08:55

Wow, YANBU! Is it too late to go to the police? Has he ever admitted it by text or something? Your MIL sounds like a classic enabler.

Original poster

Choklitdoknut · 12/02/2018 08:56

Honestly I would go to the police. He has a niece who I am concerned about. But his sister would tell me to bigger off because they all worship him and I don't have any evidence at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Choklitdoknut · 12/02/2018 08:57

Sorry bugger** off

OP posts:

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 12/02/2018 09:01

What an awful couple. NC with both of them. You and your children don’t need any if that in your life. I would tell the in law parents the truth too. I’m so glad your DH has accepted his role in the situation and has shown you his support now.

feska5 · 12/02/2018 09:02

I would have nothing to do with her. She condoned what step FIL did to you. She is as guilty as him. She emotionally blackmailed your DH into not anything about it. Why would you want them around your children? They have behaved outrageously.

Piffle11 · 12/02/2018 09:02

Go no contact with both of them. There are some very dodgy goings on in my family from decades ago and I am at best baffled and at worst utterly incensed that my DParents kept in contact with certain people. Protect your family and put yourselves first - MIL's loyalty clearly isn't with her son. This business about her not being able to remember what it's all about is just a cop out: she knows EXACTLY what it's about and she's choosing to ignore it. My MIL's OH is an old letch and yet I bet if I said anything to her she would choose not to believe it: sun shines out of his backside.

Bekabeech · 12/02/2018 09:05

I'd probably go to the police, so its at least on record. I'm just thinking of things like Sarah's law and DBS checks.
I'd also tell the family the truth and go NC.

user1493413286 · 12/02/2018 09:08

I would have no more contact with her; she is so deep into denial that she will continue this and isn’t respecting what you have said . You can never trust her alone with your children as she has shown she won’t protect children above her husband.

MatildaTheCat · 12/02/2018 09:12

Even if you don’t go to the police there is no reason to keep quiet about what happened. Tell the wider family what happened and explain that is why you are NC with BOTH of the bastards. Yes, they will lose contact with their GC. That’s the price of her awful behaviour.

whiskyowl · 12/02/2018 09:16

I agree, tell her parents what really happened yourself. Honestly, there is nothing to be gained in keeping something like this under wraps when it's obvious that you're avoiding a family member. It's much better to have your side 'out there' and let people decide how they want to behave.

I think her behaviour is outrageous - she's deliberately pressing your buttons. The best thing to do is not to respond, and to take away a piece of contact/goodwill for every time she does it. Don't answer the phone to her, don't reply to texts for a week longer than you'd normally leave it after the restaurant. If it happens again, two weeks. Etc etc etc

GnotherGnu · 12/02/2018 09:22

Why don't you tell MiL's parents the real situation?

Quartz2208 · 12/02/2018 09:25

Yes and I think your husband is too. I think you say enough is enough of sweeping this under the carpet

Outlookmainlyfair · 12/02/2018 09:28

That is awful! No suggestions other than be kind to yourself. You don’t need to be a hero you just need to protect yourself and your children. I am so glad that your DH is finally doing the right thing and sticking with you. Your MIL sounds evil, but only tackle battles that you can win or won’t land your in more anguish. good luck!

Original poster

Choklitdoknut · 12/02/2018 09:30

My SIL accused him of the same thing 2 years earlier. She told the head teacher. My MIL made her apologise to both the head teacher and FIL F the same time of lying. The police were contacted to make a record of her admitting to lying. My MIL maintains she was lying 100% and I want DH to ask his sister about it but he doesn't want to cause trouble..

OP posts:

AppleKatie · 12/02/2018 09:36

OP please go to the police. They already have a record of what went on with SIL which will look dodgy as hell and I’m sure they will take you seriously.

Chugalug · 12/02/2018 09:38

Go to the police

Chugalug · 12/02/2018 09:40

Other people may also come forward if you do ...

greendale17 · 12/02/2018 09:40

My SIL accused him of the same thing 2 years earlier.

You must report what happened to you to the police ASAP. This man needs to locked up

HollyBayTree · 12/02/2018 09:43

You ask his sister.

Quartz2208 · 12/02/2018 09:43

Yes talk to you SIL and then go to the Police he sounds v dangerous

mindutopia · 12/02/2018 09:44

If I were you, I would speak to people you do trust in the family and make sure people know the real story and so they can have information to make their own decisions. It relieves the burden from you and they can choose to believe you or they can choose to ignore it at their peril. If it means putting it in writing and making sure you're saying what you want to say, do it that way. If you don't think it's healthy for any of you to have contact with your MIL, then don't.

We have a similar situation in our family (though thankfully it wasn't any of us who were assaulted). My step-FIL sexually assaulted a child in his own family (not my husband's family, but it occurred when he first started to date MIL, now they are married). Similar classic enabler scenario. MIL has pretty much thrown away her life to 'save' him because he is, of course, innocent and children are 'manipulative' and it's all just been made up (even the DNA evidence, apparently). She paid all his legal bills and waited for him while he served time in prison for the assault. His own family, with the exception of one son and his children, have nothing to do with him. We are NC with him (obviously) and I and the dc are NC with MIL. She's tried to facilitate his contact with our dd. She's harassed me with letters about how Jesus will save us all and fix this for the family and citing statistics about how many children falsely accuse adults of sexual abuse, etc. She's even contacted members of my family who she barely knows to try to get them to speak to us and convince us that we just need to keep all of this quiet and not make a fuss and resume contact, etc. We have finally successfully managed to make her go away and leave us alone (after about a year of trying to enforce NC). The past few months have been bliss to be honest. My dh does ocassionally a few times a year text/call her and he has seen her one time since all of this started, but it's mostly to maintain ties with the rest of his family and to make sure she's not dead.

But not having either of them in our lives really anymore has been so freeing and though it was hard to finally get to this point and make that decision, our family life is so much more peaceful because of it. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I know it's not the same because in our situation it wasn't any of us who were assaulted, but just wanted to share my experience with you. Do whatever you feel is right to do, but don't be afraid to make a fuss. These sort of creeps feed off of shame and silence. You might ultimately be surprised you have more support within the family than you realise. We certainly have found that to be the case.

yorkshireyummymummy · 12/02/2018 09:44

I usually stay clear of these type of threads but I really feel for you Chok.
I concur with everybody who has said to go NC with MIL.
She has facilitated a sexual abuser and downplayed it with no regard for the impact it has had on your life and her sons. She cares more for this disgusting man than her own child and a fellow woman AND her grandchildren. Who knows how many other victims he could have?

I totally understand your difficulty in reporting it. But I would have a talk to the police. Even if it does not lead to a prosecution your complaint will be recorded which might be enough to prevent him abusing anybody else.

I would - and without a shred of shame or guilt- tell every member of the family exactly why you are going NC with them both. Even if some of them don’t believe you there will be a big enough seed of doubt planted so they protect themselves and their children against this man.
Your anxiety will go once you get these two evil buggers out of your lives. And I think that in some ways she is as bad as he is.

Take control of this situation. HE was in control when he abused you. Now it’s time for you to and your kind supportive DH to be in charge of this. Make an action plan and decide wether you tell people face to face or send an email/write a letter (make sure you write “without prejudice” at the top if you do write it). And let your wicked MIL know exactly why she will not be seeing her grandchildren any more. Your DH may choose to still see his mother and that is his choice if he does. But you never have to see her again if you choose and neither do your children.
Take control. And let him know that you are not now and never will be scared of him again. Good luck and

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